Hoof and Hand
“Pwease, Tia? Prwitty pwease?” a small alicorn begged, huffing a fake sniffle. The filly-princess, while quivering her lower lip, let well rehearsed tears flow down her scolding cheeks.
Sitting nearby, Princess Celestia retained her mask of impassivity. She watched with delicate attention as her younger sister tried to crumble her thousand-year foundation, while still appearing to be quietly eating her salad.
Seeing that the tears were fake, the master of ethos dismissed the weak attempts. “Lulu, no ice cream before dinner. I have told you already, it shall give you a stomach ache if you eat it before a proper meal,” explained Celestia.
Undiscouraged by the umteenth no, a persistent Luna tried her plan B. She tipped over her high-chair and smashed face-first onto the hard-stone floors. Looking back up, Luna began to flood the room with tears.
Luna’s high pitched wails assaulted Celestia’s ears. Instincts taking over, she abruptly rushed out of her cushion to her sister’s aid at the far end of the small rectangular table. Mere inches away, Celestia found herself stopped by a bigger dilemma.
A blinding nova flashed into the small room, beaming directly at Celestia causing her to reach a wing up to shield her eyes. She persisted on, treading slowly to the source. Gradually the glow died off, allowing her to quickly approach Luna before being stopped again.
In her quest to procure filly-Luna, Celestia’s jewel-clad hooves were harshly smacked away by another’s, the sound of steel on gold ringing through the cries. The blue light faded, revealing the host of the mass teleport.
Standing proud in exquisite battle armour, an onyx alicorn expanded her wings to full length, the massive pinions casting long shadows over filly-Luna. Her show of intimidation was realized by Celestia, causing her to stumble back.
Nightmare Moon turned her attention to the filly, tenderly cradling her youth. Sitting on her haunches, she wrapped the foal into a bundle, rocking Luna back and forth in her black wings.
“Shhh,” Nightmare whispered softly. “It’s alright. That mean old Celestia can’t hurt you anymore,” she murmured softly, glaring at Celestia.
Battle-instincts now driving her, Celestia flared her own wings and stared back with keen attention. Poised in a defensive stance, she strode with caution as she approached the duo of one. Yet not by Celestia’s doing, Luna’s shower of tears calmed to just drizzles — Nightmare continuing her coos until the quiet weeps downed to snivels.
“Thank you,” spoke Celestia, ending the still silence. She lowered her guard and wings, but kept up her façade. She was regarded with a cold glare from Nightmare, and a weak smile from Luna. Tended for, Nightmare gently unfurled the bundle from within her wings.
Barely freed, filly-Luna was swept up by Celestia for a closer look. She searched for any indication of serious injury, but also kept half of her attention on Nightmare. Distracted by her pre-cautions, Celestia overlooked her sister, choking her without realizing.
Peering with apologetic eyes, she prompted Luna to open her mouth and loosened her feathery grip, find a loose pair of two front teeth. The pearly whites wiggled around freely, clearly dislodged when Luna had impacted the floor.
“Luna, please go visit the infirmary,” Nightmare said, “there might be something else injured that I might have missed.” She broke Celestia’s concentration, as well her hold on the petite alicorn. Luna was given a pushing nudge to the doors by Nightmare and she exited, leaving the two mature goddesses alone.
“You were fighting over meal plans and look how that turned out: loose teeth and a crying foal. If she wants something, simply give it her and we can avoid all of this nonsense,” scolded Nightmare, boldly flaring her wings.
“She would've gotten a stomach ache, Lu- Nightmare. I rather she’d grow up eating healthy and not skipping meals simply for the sweets of dessert. Luna needs nutrition if she’s to grow up properly, something I know you don’t take serious enough,” refuted Celestia strongly. She kept her dominance in mind instead of primal.
Nightmare hissed a terrifying screech, displaying her carnivorous fangs. Glass nearby began vibrating, exploding in all directions when she reached her high point. “She is not yours to care for, dear sister. It is my responsibility to bear for myself, for she is I. Do not interfere in matters that are not of your concern, as you cannot bear the consequences.”
Celestia thought hard for a subtle way to respond that wouldn’t cause further strife. Peering into Nightmare’s reptilian gems, she found more than she bargained for. Looking for compassion and forgiveness, she found nothing except an eternal fire burning to see her one with Faust. “And what are the consequences?” the promethean inquired.
“A wondrous and glorious feast to be held in my honour,” Nightmare answered. She cracked her infamous smirk, baring dangerous fangs dripping in saliva. A total opposite of the ear-bleeding screech earlier, she chuckled hearted laughter that boomed loudly through the room.
Celestia thought of it as just a casual joke, until she seeked further, “The occasion, might I ask?”
“My celebration on becoming an... only child, of course.” The she-devil almost drooled onto the floor, dreaming of the coming day. Nightmare brought herself next to her yang, and arched her head to face her sister’s long neck.
Celestia kept still, relying on her devotion of time and practice on the mask she wore in dire situations. Unbeknown to Nightmare, Celestia felt an odd mixture of pride and mortal terror towards her. She no longer thought of Nightmare as her little sister, but a dangerous equal. She would have shed a tear of accomplishment if not for the hinderance of fear.
“I suggest you hold still, sister, else I cannot be held responsible for my actions,” murmured Nightmare. She lightly tickled her razor-sharp canines over Celestia’s plush neck, drawing two red lines reaching to the alicorn’s warm jugular. She poised to take a love bite, only to be denied as Celestia ignored her attempts and stood like a chiseled statue.
Never once faced rejection before, the night mistress murmured a ghostly whisper into Celestia’s perked ear, “I liked you better in the times of yore, Tia.” Nightmare sighed a scorching breath into the pink flesh, causing her kin to brighten on the cheeks. “You did not discourage my kind of intimacy back then. What a shame that has befallen you.”
“I-I-I... I need to see my shrink. Excuse me, Lu- Nightmare,” said Celestia, hastening to the doors. Her wings had a mind of their own, flailing wildly and left behind her a trail of white feathers. Close enough to smell the waxy cinders from the hallways, she stopped and turned as Nightmare spoke.
“Be sure to give him my regards, as well a preen if you can. I’m sure he’d gladly return the favour. I can almost hear the cries of your foals already,” the night sister teased. She watched the small hue of pink on Celestia’s white coat bloom into a burning scarlet.
Blushing heated rays like her celestial star, Celestia had no choice but to fall for the bait, “You need to read up on doctor/patient confidentiality, sister. O-our relationship is strictly a professional one. He has no feelings for me and I him.” The panicking ruler forced whatever composure she had left to suppress any evidence to the contrary, but her rosy cheeks said otherwise.
“Then I shall no longer speaketh of the matter. If you do not feel for him, then I shall take him as my own, or would you mind that?” Nightmare tempted again. She could now easily see the strands behind Celestia’s mask unravel at the stake — revealing an insecurity long forgotten: an old mare seeking companionship, but duties set before personal need.
Already at the door, all Celestia needed was to step out and she would be away before she was to be trapped in a game of shadows. Restraining her weak-half of femininity, she walked out with the graces of a newborn, leaving the question unanswered and inferred upon. “I must leave, sister,” said Celestia.
The doors shut themselves with the squeak of rusted hinges, mingling with royal Canterlot laughter. Once fully closed, it signaled for a pair of shrouded figures to emerge from the shadows of a corner in the room. Nightmare progressively stopped her bellowing, walking to the mysterious strangers. Both were cloaked with spider silk veils, one taller than the other, the black shrouds covering everything except the glow of their eyes.
“Thine acting skills needs work, Nightmare,” the taller arcadian said. “Although your methods of seduction were very convincing, even if it could have lead to inbreeding. I shall commend you for that, but just.”
“You wanted a distraction — I got you a distraction, be it in a form that is discouraged. Our sister has grown soft, sitting on that cushioned throne of hers, like everyday shall always be joyous,” Nightmare growled, “She speaks as if this land has become an asgaard, but it is what it is, Equestria.” Her words dripped with toxified hatred, perfectly aged over a millenium.
“Enough with your personal vendetta, Nightmare. The days of yore are long gone and forgotten, as well you and the old ways. You’re a living myth — a ghost — adapt or die. I do not have much time left, my duties await. I cast thee a good farewell, Nightmare.” The gentleness of her calm voice lessened the night queen’s anger, along with Nightmare’s growl.
“Yea! My acting was WAY better than yours, Nightie. At least I had tears to back-up my convincing performance. I even managed to score another carton of ice cream!” The excited filly-alicorn uncloaked, showing her azure coat with a silly smile, undone by two actual loosened front teeth. She held high in the air a large carton of chocolate mint fudge, along with four other boxes of frozen dairy behind her.
"Ah, yes. You’ve got my favorite flavor," a medium-size Luna declared as she uncloaked in a flash of cobalt mana, "cookie dough! I thank thee, for these next few hours the court shall be dull indeed.” She smiled at filly-Luna, walking with a hop out the door and to royal duties.
Towering above filly-Luna, Nightmare looked behind her and raised a question of concern. “You disarmed the enchantments on the ice-cream, didn’t you?”
“Uhhh...” filly-Luna mumbled. She turned around and filled her horn with cosmic magic, undoing the magical trap preset by a prepared sister. “It is now...?”
Boom
|~|~|~|~|~|
On the other side of oakwood doors, teen-Luna was splattered with melted dairy that slowly dripped down her steaming face and star canvas mane. No longer protected by her shroud, her entire front body was painted opal, forming a small puddle at her silver slippers.
“You had one job... ONE... and that was to disarm Tia’s trap...” Luna muttered, wiping a faceful of ice-cream off. Mildly disappointed and angry, her horn consumed itself in magic once more, teleporting a sticky Luna to a distant washroom in the castle.
|~|~|~|~|~|
“Oops?” filly-Luna shrugged. “Guess I forgot, hehe...” She giggled sheepishly and slightly blushed with embarrassment. Sitting on her haunches, she levitated a spoon from the table and popped the lid off of the chocolate mint. The silver utensil in her mana’s grasp, she scooped a mountain-sized first bite.
With the spoon already bending into a weird shape, filly-Luna quickly devoured the deliciousness. As her foalish taste buds screamed in delight, savouring the sweetness of the dark chocolate and cool mint, her body began to shiver wildly as she suddenly felt a sharp pinch inside her head. No longer able to stand the pain, the underdeveloped alicorn fell onto her back, clutching her head tightly to ease some of the immense stinging.
“Ow! Brain freeze! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! AH!” Filly-Luna writhed feverishly on the floor, getting up and spinning in circles before eventually bumping headstrong into the just-as-hard walls.
A loud thud echoed as the disoriented Luna fell backwards, hooves now moving away from her temples and to her scalp. In search for any injury, she found a large bulge on her forehead the size of a boulder, throbbing red and excreting subtle pain when she accidently bumped it.
“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...” She sluggishly tried to get back up, but wobbly footing and lightheadedness caused another crash, this time impacting a softer structure. Nightmare caught the unsteady filly with her shadowing wings, holding her still until Luna regained her footing. With delicate attention, Nightmare tickled the small boo-boo with gentle feathers, inspecting for any serious injury.
“You’re as clumsy as a foal,” Nightmare scolded. She released her binding on Luna before glaring disappointedly. Her horn glowed a cool black, dispelling mana for a healing spell as she aimed her horn to the reddened bump. The black magic extended to and fro, unswelling the nasty scratch.
“Hey! I resent that! Ow. And it’s not my fault ice-cream is delicious. If something that good wasn’t meant to be eaten, then I won’t continue living.” Her blank threat never phased the serene alicorn looming above, as Nightmare poised straight again, seeming more amused than angered.
“Then perhaps we shall come to an agreement then. Control yourself and I won’t—”
“Nag me as much?” Luna scoffed.
“I was going to say criticize and save, but if that is the way you see me as then I shan't interfere any longer. Leave an old hag like me behind while you go enjoy the wonders of blissful youth, it certainly won’t break my fragile heart.”
“Geez, grandma. No need for the guilt trip, I get enough of them from Tia as is. And last I checked we were immortal, so you can’t exactly say that you’re aging. Now, can I have a pony-back ride, please? I was supposed to meet Pip in the gardens and this ice-cream is starting to melt!” Filly-Luna begged again with all the sincerity of her kind heart, beaming a laughable crooked smile.
“Spoiled brat,” mumbled Nightmare under her breath. She lowered herself as the smaller alicorn jumped onto her silky back and hugged her tight around the neck for stability.
With extra weight and shift of center libra, the old goddess balancing them out by stretching her large black wings into full expansion. Using more magic than normal, she transported the ice-cream into micro-space and began the long walk to the joy-bringing gardens.
“I heard that you old shrew!” shouted Luna defensively.
“Well, excuse me Princess.”
“Witch...”
“Imp.”
“...Harlot...”
Nightmare’s ears perked at the comment as she tried to hold back a face of shock. “Where did you learn that?” She snapped.
“From you... The bedrooms aren’t soundproof... Give me a heads up every once in awhile why don’t cha?”
“My deepest apologies for your sleepless days then, but that does not excuse you from exposure of mature subjects. It’s impolite to call someone that, even if it is the truth. What do you say?”
“Sorry, or whatever...”
“Properly, young lady. I expect nothing less of the royal blood you carry. Be the epitome your worshipers praise you as, not a foal out of diapers. Now, what do you say?”
“I’m... deeply sorry for calling you that inappropriate word about your personal life that I have no business spying on. I am also sorry for disrespecting you, my elder. You sure do know how to ride a guilt trip.” Luna stated.
“I accept the sentiment, or at least the attempt of it. You’re an alicorn, Luna — a perfect harmony of all three pony races in one. They see you as a goddess... now act your part.” The bored filly on her back stifled a yawn, her mind barely in reality. “We may look as if in eternal youth, but our minds comprehend timeless knowledge. Don’t squander a gift others have worked their entire lifetime to achieve,” Nightmare scolded.
“Loving the lecture there, Nightie,” Luna said, trying for the least amount of sarcasm. “But I’m still a filly and I’m going to act my age all I want until I grow into you, which is waaaaaaaaaay down the line. That’s the whole point of having a youth in the first place, isn’t it? So that I can be as foolish as I want while I still can?”
The lively alicorn sitting on top casually leisured, her mind wandering the phases of reality and into a world only understood by fillies. She moved about until she laid back to back with the night steed. Her natural-cut mane nestled with Nightmare’s celestial, as the wavy portion of night’s beauty wrapped Luna whole, enfolding her in a bed of stars.
“Is that all you see life as? A game until you’re forced to grow into your responsibilities?” Nightmare questioned.
“Why not?” asked Luna back, trying to resist slumber’s temptation. The gentle cyan of her eyes fogged over with drowsiness, as she brought a hoof to rub it. She stifled yet another yawn, but this was riddled with tire and lull. The eagerness she had left her body, leaving only her spirit to fight for a longer awake-time. Shaking her head groggily, she couldn’t deter any longer.
With swiftness of shadows and silence of space, lucid dreams carried filly-Luna to her personal eden, the place where she bore them from simple thought. Her mind followed the gentle spirits that guided her back to home, entrusting them as kin, whilst her body remained fixated in midgaard.
The rising and falling of Luna’s chest slowed to once per minute, her cheerful heart beating in an alike pattern. Her small hooves snuggled against her head as pillows, with Nightmare’s magic shifting her more comfortably. Walking along stained windows, the goddess of the night bathed the still figure in glistening moonlight, her elusive mane of the cosmos blanketing Luna, easing a path to dreamscape.
She contemplated the striking words spoken, comparing the different thoughts separated by time. All together asinine at first, Nightmare began to rethink things from a younger viewpoint. Her memories long buried by golden flames, a single remnant of simple frolicking in windful fields survived the brutal onslaught of responsibilities.
‘If only life were that simple little one,’ she sighed.
In idle walk, her steel toe shoes echoed through the dim halls, as she neared a familiar bedroom door. On the old wooden frame, a crescent moon with ink splotches was decorated. With no door knob, only magic was a viable way of entrance. The locks clicked and magic barriers were undone by Nightmare, she walked into the dark room looking towards the spacious bed littered with pillows and covers.
On the other end of the room double doors were swung open, the veils hung onto it flowing in the breeze. Passing old nightstands, dressers, and bookshelves, Nightmare stopped short of her old cradle. Like the room, it never gathered dust of age but in memory. The small bed barely fit a full grown alicorn, yet yielded more than enough room for a growing filly.
Nightmare’s magic flared for the last time that morning, as she settled Luna onto the the fluffy mattress, unfurling the star riddled sheets and blanketing her. Already dozing, Luna barely stirred, whilst the warmth of the covers snuggly wrapped her.
Her glow of magic dimming, Nightmare walked to the welcoming balcony. Barely in the morn, the elusive winds whispered quietly. They bashed against Nightmare’s mantle and mane, allowing her to cease the flow of magic going to them. She stretched out her massive wings, flapping them to let the breeze rustle through each feather. A bit ticklish in her sensitive sides that are normally protected, she let a tiny giggle mingle about.
“Perhaps... I am getting old. Too old for revenge anymore, but... you haven’t yet sister. I’ve sworn vengeance and I shall have my retribution, be it by me... or by your own doing. Anger shall be your undoer and jealousy your prison, my dearest Tia. You’re still who I remember you as, and I will not be merciful to the merciless. Soon... we’ll both meet our fates...”
Beyond the skyline a chalk white moon slowly descended into rest, as did Nightmare. Behind her, light arose from the rocky mountainside, casting long shadows over the bright city. With the fuel of hatred dying off, Nightmare laid to rest, laying her underside on the cool marble and watched the moonset.
Dazed eyes took hold of her attentive ones, as she followed suit on the path less traveled. Her stiff body relaxed, allowing her tense shoulders to fall without resistance. She gingerly rested her head on folded wings as a makeshift pillow, nestling against the soft feathers. For unknown and strangest of reasons, the feathers always smelt of honeydew and fresh cut lilies, which she had grown to enjoy.
‘Hehe,’ laughed Nightmare, ‘she was right.’
|~|~|~|~|~|
Celestia quietly sipped on her tea, holding it in her golden aura. She sat comfortably on a grand divan accompanied by mountains of cushy pillows behind. Looking to her shrink, his beastly eyes pierced through her mask of deception like a warm knife on butter. “Doctor, things have gotten out of hoof faster than I’d imagine. I’m afraid my sister might actually...”
“Rape you in the dead of night while strangling you to death and then dumping your body with Hela?” The psychologist spoke with amusement but didn’t add sarcasm. He smiled wickedly as a pen scribbled down noted reactions.
“When you put it that way...” Her teacup began to wobble in mid air, as uncertainty wandered through her mind. Before a mess could be made she set the china down onto a table in front, trying to compose what was left of herself.
“I was simply joking, Celestia. I’m sure your sister has better things to do than just plotting your downfall. In our last group session it was agreed she was to be on babysitting duties until further notice, so I’m quite certain she is busier than you might believe she is to be.”
“I know that... And I trust her word... most of the time, but—” Hesitation affecting her speech, his magical pen began to scribe again.
“Has she shown signs of improvement in behavior and attitude?”
She gave a subtle nod then spoke, “Yes.”
“Has she done anything hurtful to you in the last month?”
“No.”
“Then what is the problem, Celestia? Nightmare Moon may show signs of ill towards you, but they are just mere jokes. What has gotten you worked up?” He didn’t speak with anger, instead an annonce of an endless issue.
“I guess... old demons. Everytime I see her, I’m reminded of the monster that took my sister from me—”
“Isn’t Nightmare Moon another self to Luna? A darker side which she had worked hard to keep under wraps and mind? Doubting Nightmare would be doubting your own sister, and I know you trust her with your life and kingdom.”
“You don’t know her like I do—”
“Then enlighten me, Princess. Do tell about every single evil thing she has done to you, like that time when she put dye in your shampoo. Remember that? Oh, that must have been so... evil of her! ‘Guards, throw her in the dungeon! She has turned my mane pink!’” He re-enacted with a perfect mimic of Celestia’s voice. He showed no pity and looked to the pampered alicorn with disappointment.
“Who’s side are you on?”
“Yours, apparently. It’s not my job to sit here and listen to you whine, Celestia. If that’s someone that you wanted, I’ll hand in my resignation here and now.” The self-working pen fell limp, as well the paper it was writing on tore itself away from the notepad and crumpled into a ball. A swift throw and the yellow sheet flew into an open trash can.
“W-wait... You’re right, it’s not your job. Nightmare and I just don’t always see eye to eye about certain things. There’s a difference between a jest and taking things out of proportion. My mane didn’t change back for several weeks and when it did, she bewitched it so every time I so much as got it wet, poof, back to pink.” Celestia could only hold her ground with weak defenses, like a foal trying to delude blame.
“She apologized and removed the hex, didn’t she?” he asked back.
Celestia gave a deflated nod, mumbling under her breath, “Yes.”
“Well, I’ve got to say this session ended just about where it did last time, nowhere, with little progression. I’d say my time was being wasted, but it seems I have a large excess of that already. I’ll see you tomorrow, Celestia and no I am not your personal psychologist that can be called on whenever you feel like it. We have schedules for exactly this reason.” The harsh voice scolded the daytime ruler, insulting her like he had the right to.
“I’m sorry for waking you this early Discord—”
“If you were sorry you’d patch this up with your sister and I would still be in bed asleep. Six in the bucking morning and I don’t even have my cup of coffee yet. Punctuality would be much appreciated, your majesty, and if you don’t mind, a cup of joe. Now get out,” Discord ordered.
His baggy eyes threatened to drop any moment, as the draconequus made a nervous habit of clawing his arm chair. The spazzing twitch on his left eye told he hadn’t had a good sleep the night before and when he did, a needy Celestia awoke him. Shreds of sawdust and splinters were embedded in his talon and paw, causing annoying pain that he bluntly ignored.
“I’m deeply sorry for all the troubles I’ve caused you — I’ll show myself out.” Celestia uncurled herself from the comfy sofa, walking to the door in naked hooves.
As per usual, Discord watched with great attention to the Princess’s habits. Instead of a straight path and excellent poise that he has seen in public, Celesta swayed her hips more than necessary and if he looked hard enough, on occasion she would wink him.
After the single door to his office closed, he let out a heavy sigh. His reptilian arm gently rubbed his temples, moving downward to his eyes. In front, a steaming pot poured hot tea into a small china cup. With a snap of his fingers, the cup flashed to him in a blink. As he took a sip out of the dragon lilies, the liquid-warmth soothed most of his nerves, but not his tire.
“I’m getting too old for this shit.”
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The premise of the story sounds interresting, though I would suggest that you mention how three Lunas appeared a bit quicker.
1986134 Good point... Let's just say Discord thought that three heads were better than one. That's all I can say without spoiling much else.
Hum... I'm intrigued.
Color me interested.
The premise is a bit confusing, but not too bad. Mostly it's just wondering why there are three Lunas, but that's something that can be done in-story. Considering how you wrote this, I'm not worried about it not coming up.
The one thing that really bugged me was that you seem to be trying to go overly-flowery with your words, and the story ends up stumbling when you reach too far. I can tell what you're trying to say, but it can really clash with what you actually say.
I think you mean "dismissed the weak attempts." Deterred means she was actively preventing something from interacting, often with the implication of stepping between someone else and the undesired thing. In this case she seems to be ignoring, not actively interfering.
"Hastening." She did not physically attach anything to anything else in the scene.
There are plenty more like this. There are spelling errors as well.
I suggest another couple of passes through. Reading my own writing aloud helps immesurably in finding things that contain mistakes or just don't sound right.
Oh, and Celestia seems to be a complete pansy. Don't like that one bit.
1986421 Believe me, I'm already looking for one right now. Don't suppose you got any suggestions?
how many luna `s are there my count was 4 can you please give them all different names becauseit was real hard to fallow scenes where luna, luna and luna are talking to nightmaremoon
Discord needs a god sized coffee to get through the morning these days
By god my dream has come true three Luna if I'm asleep don't bother waking me up
Also I don't understand the first part is she in the future or past
1987657 It's 3 Lunas in the present.
Ohhhh still three Luna's is awsome
It's LUS: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, not LMS. I think, at least. And you haven't entirely shed its influence: the third paragraph in particular suffers from being right on the borderline. Your use of kennings is related enough to the sentence in question to be almost acceptable, but it still has that little moment of "just who are you talking 'bout here?" In comparison, the one in this section -- "She watched with delicate attention as her younger sister" -- blends perfectly into the structure. Full marks there.
Moving away from that, there's touches of sentences not flowing properly into one another. The first three, for example, are basically isolated; there's no cross over between them, no building upon what a previous sentence has already established. Take a good look at them and ask yourself if the paragraph'd still make sense if you swapped the order round. I'd recommend changing or modifying the last sentence of that trio so that Luna's tears falling follows on directly from the already mentioned "watering gems for eyes". In other words, link these sentences together.
There's also annoying instances of "Show and then tell it anyway" that could get cut out. Here's one example: "She once again flared her jet black wings, showcasing her dominance in the matter."
In this, you show NM displaying her dominance through action and then go on to tell us what this action means. Have a bit more faith in your audience; we can pick up on stuff like that and figure it out.
There's also a selection of errors that really need threshing out. I'm talking 'bout sentences like this:
Where writhe --> writhed and "frivolously" is probs a spelling error of "Feverishly". Combine that with comma splices:
Hyphens where you want dashes to indicate interruption:
And some broken verbs & nouns:
(gentles --> gentleness & lessening --> lessen) -- and yeah. I'd deeply recommend getting a proofreader to scour through this.
Alternatively, submit this for review at either /fic/ or WRITE, and they should see you right.
And as a final thing, I couldn't spot much of what I'd call mechanical writing -- you might have been called out on mechanical errors, which are just errors that occur too often to be simply typos. You do stray into the purple/florid prose divide often, though, and I'd really try and fix the tense in this. It... wanders.
1986434
Woona, Luna, and Nightmare Moon
1987741 Yea, I have no idea where to get an editor. My usual one is writing her own stuff, and I am currently struggling to get a long time one. Thanks for pointing those things out; writers thrive on your kind advice. I'll work on the tense for now, and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, mind explaining some of the things you said?
1988150
I'm fine with explaining. Which bits do you want clarity on?
Oh, also here or by pm?
1988156 The purple/florid prose part and just send it in a PM.
So that's why Celestia needed discord reformed. Therapy work. It all makes sense now.
Its hard to track 19 story's all at once, and now i have 20
*fave* *upvote*
(Joke) Alt. Title: see below
You said you needed a prof reader?
I would recomend that you check out the group prof readers and people willing to prof read (no, i'm not taking orders at current time)
You should be able to get some help there
Ok, if you want an editor, I can help. I'm currently writing two stories and have an editor that's a well-acclaimed author on Fimfiction himself. Sorry, I cannot say who, but he has taught me well. So, PM me if you would like help, I've already started writing in my notebook here about what sentences need what. For an example, you have good imagery in the beginning between foal-Luna and Celestia being interrupted by the other two Lunas, but too much imagery can be distracting and confuse a reader on what is going on. Here is a part that I've already worked on for you:
Now, let's take this and fix the first paragraph:
"Her high-pitched wails bellowed in Celestia’s
twitchingears. Instincts taking over,asshe abruptly rushed out of her cushion to her weeping sister’s aidatto the far end of the small rectangular table. The polished silverware clattered to the ground,andher nervous beating of feathers only adding to the chaos. Celestia found herself facing a bigger dilemma as she nearedher destinationfilly-Luna.A blinding flash of blue light shone inside the
daintysmall room, beaming brightly as it hovered behind Luna’s back, causing Celesta to reach a wing up to shield herselfeyes. With the crying continuing, the Sun Goddess persisted on, holding up heralabaster aegiswing as she carefullytrottedwent to the source. Gradually the bright glow died off, allowing her to quicklyapproachLuna before being stopped again."NOW, as I understand it, many people do not know that an alabaster aegis is an ornate shield, nor was there a mentioning of her reaching for it. If there was, then I missed it, because the story only mentions her bringing up her wing. Also, you must treat vocabulary like Goldielocks treats soup, just right. Same goes for imagery. If you like how I edited that, give me a shout, thanks for your time, Vague.
Well, aside from some grammar issues, this is a fantastic story! Oh the antics, the fun, the slight possibility of murder and bloodsucking...followed.
1986134 Poke.
1991221
Oh Look, you got a profile picture that wasn't complete derp xD
One beat of the heart every minute? Not sure if that'd be possible... Despite her being an Alicorn.
Wouldn't the name "We, Ourselves and Us"? Be more fitting?
Anyway, sounds interesting enought. Will give this a read eventually.
1991281 i c wat u did thar
If you're looking for more editors, I can see why. The story is indeed cute and comedic, but the inconsistent grammar does need a bit of work. I could be of assistance, if you'd like.
1991557
I know apnea can cause respiration to stop for a few minutes and I would not be too surprised if there was something similar for the heart. But those would be abnormal medical conditions.
I happened to measure my own pulse before getting out of bed on a morning where I felt particularly well rested and it was around 40 so I have no doubt that something lower than that at rest is possible for a sleeping healthy athlete... but this would still be nowhere near 1bpm, A young filly on the other hand has a smaller and likely weaker heart so my guess is the rate would be higher. The average for fully awake healthy humans at rest is in the 60-70bpm range.
1992187 Ah... Sorry, but let me try to gather this a bit...
You're telling me what you're BPM rate is before getting out of bed, yes? And then you try to theorize whether the BPM would be different for ponies? Sorry, I'm a bit confused
When people have a hard time understanding whether your story is in the present or the past, you really need to work on your dialogue. It doesn't flow.
1992227 Ohmygod!Ohmygod! You're Dennis! Don't worry about the errors as of now. I'm working on them now with my editors.
1989885 Dude, I have like sixty and I follow them just fine.
1992207
I was using my freshly-awoken BPM as a rough basis to approximate how low it might go for a human-sized filly, yes. Since I do not have equipment to actually measure how low it might get during deep sleep, I suppose it is quite possible that it dips even lower... but still nowhere near 1bpm since the brain would slowly kill itself from repeated asphyxiation - when the heart stops completely, the brain burns through local oxygen reserves within seconds.
Mammals of similar sizes have to pump roughly the same blood volume to regulate temperature and feed their high-maintenance brains so I would expect a filly which is of somewhat comparable size to humans to have somewhat similar rates. From what I read, foals start around 90bpm and adult horses get down to around 30bpm. Filly Luna would be much smaller than a full-grown horse so I would expect her to be somewhere in-between, much like humans. Again, nowhere near 1bpm.
Okay, then. Now I understand
May I be an editor? I am very good at spelling and grammar. I'm also good at punctuation.
Actually, nevermind about that.
Before reading...
I honestly expected Doctor Whooves as Celestias doctor...although any explanation as to WHY three versions of Luna are there would be nice.
Other than that, good first chapter!
1992772
If I had Celestia's psychiatrist as my own, I think I would be far more worried about who my psychiatrist is than having multiple Lunas to deal with since I strongly suspect said psychiatrist is responsible for both the multiple Lunas and Celestia needing a psychiatrist in the first place.
BTW, forum needs one or more Discord smileys!
1992912
I don't know. I guess he would be more interested in the plot of his work, if you catch my drift? After all, if he can use Celestia to make his chaos nopony would blame him (any order being an official decree and all that) and he could enjoy it more.
Other than that...you could always answer 'magic'. Any shit can be explained with this stuff so...
And yes, there should be more smilies of him. There should be more in general, with just a few to pick from that are easily usable like the ones right now.
Rather well written, although several grammar and spelling errors.
However, I would recommend making the next chapter a flashback to how we wound up with three Lunas.
Near, the end you said "wink him" when I think you meant "wink at him". There were a couple other issues with missing words, and everything else has been pointed out, as far as I can tell.
Hopefully an explanation for the present situation is coming soon.
Following.
1994247 I'll try to explain as best I can. What happens when you move your hips too much and your tail doesn't?
1994259
...actually, I meant the whole 'Three Luna's' thing...
Ya' know. That itty bitty detail.
1994269 You're just gonna have to wait for that.
1994283
I know.
I blame the Lunas on time travel.