A short time after dusk, within the confines of a closet in Ponyville's town hall, Twilight Sparkle paced back and forth. Next to her was an old tome of average size sitting atop an overturned bucket. Twilights eyes were fixed determinedly on the floor, as if reading words that weren’t there. Every so often she would dart back to the book, reading a while before resuming her pacing. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Twilight jumped and knocked over the bucket along with a couple of brooms, which made a loud almost comical rattle within the broom closet.
"Twi? Ya in there girl?" Came the strong accent of one of her best friends, Applejack.
Twilight laughed nervously to herself and fetched the book that was now laying closed on the floor.
"Yes AJ. I'll be just one more minute. I need to be absolutely sure I've got this song memorized. I really, REALLY don't want to make a fool of myself tonight, especially in front of Princess Celestia." She answered back through the door.
"Twi we've been waitin almost an hour now. Ah'm sure the princess will love whatever ya do out there tonight. Jus think of it as the hearth's warming eve pageant!"
All of a sudden the door burst open with tremendous force almost flattening Applejack to the wall.
"But that was the pageant Applejack! That was a story I've read a dozen times. I knew it by heart! We rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed….” Twilight kept repeating the word rehearsed; just long enough for Applejack to shake the cobwebs from her head. Before she could even think of getting a word in edgewise she was pinned against the wall by Twilight.
"What I'm trying to do is bring back a song from several THOUSAND years ago! It's probably even older than Celestia herself! What if I get it wrong? What if I mess it up so bad that I'll be banned from singing anything from the archives EVER AGAIN! What if..." Twilight didn't finish her sentence, as Applejack stuffed her hoof in her mouth.
"Twi..." Applejack began with well practiced patience, a genuinely amused smile on her face. "...I can understand, if maybe ya were performing in front of all of Canterlot. But this is a casual get together with the princess."
She made sure to emphasize casual, as she removed her hoof from Twilight's mouth. Twilight stuck out her tounge and gagged on the taste of dirt, apples and tree bark that was Applejacks hoof. She recovered just in time to see Applejack motioning to follow her.
"C'mon Twilight. Even if you do mess up, we’re your best friends! If anything we'll all get a good laugh out of it."
After a moment of thought, Twilight nodded and for the first time in that entire hour she was able to relax. It boggled her mind how much she had to learn when it came to friendship.
"You're right Applejack. It's time to finally sing this song! Let me just go fetch Lyra." Twilight declared loudly, striking a pose before running off past Applejack. Applejack shook her head and chuckled, following her good friend back into the main hall.
---
The decoration for the town hall was pretty modest considering the occasion. The royal flags that would have usually been hung on the balconies were absent. There was no cohort of Royal Guards dressed in decorative armor. Even the plush red carpet that heralded the arrival of royalty was tucked away in a corner.
Instead it more resembled a birthday party, complete with balloons, streamers and even party games. Princess Celestia herself was blindfolded, carrying a bat between her teeth and swinging at a paper banana hanging from one of the balconies.
"To the left princess!" Yelled the rainbow maned pegasus known as Rainbow Dash. The princess swung and missed big causing her to lose her balance slightly, she recovered with a chuckle and resumed her hunt for her bright yellow foe.
"Um...thats a little too far left...your highness." Said Fluttershy. Taking the hint, Princess Celestia adjusted herself to where she thought for certain the piñata would be. As soon as she felt the bat tap the hanging banana, she brought her head back and swung as hard as she could. Her bat made solid contact with the piñata, effectively shattering it and sending candy in every direction.
"Bravo!" Cried Rarity.
”Yay! Candy!" Yelled Pinkie, before diving into the candy that littered the floor.
Celestia laughed and removed her blindfold, watching with delight as the ponies she had lovingly called her friends devour and playfully fight over candy. "Dibs on the jawbreakers!" She heard spike yell, diving into the pile.
"Oh my little ponies." She smiled. "It has been so long since I have just been able to relax and have fun." She looked around the room and noticed that Twilight still wasn't among them. Her smile faltered a little as she scanned the room for her number one pupil.
The sound of a swinging door caught her attention and her smile immediately returned as she saw Twilight walk into the room with Applejack and a teal unicorn that Celestia knew was named Lyra. Her eyebrows were raised as she recognized the book levitating at Twilight’s side. It was a compilation of songs and ballads from cultures the world over. She smiled proudly. Twilight had written in a letter that she wanted to try and sing something special for the occasion. It was appropriate that Twilight would pick something so exotic and something that would challenge herself. She could hardly wait to see her star pupil shine once more.
Twilight stopped Lyra and Applejack just short of the snack table.
“Applejack, could you go and tell everypony that we’re ready to begin the performance?”
“Ah sure as sugar will.” Applejack said nodding once before turning to Lyra. “Are you ready Lyra?”
“Are you kidding me? This is a piece of cake! I’m just so happy you wanted me to help you perform for the princess Twilight.” Replied Lyra, bouncing on her hooves and grinning ear to ear. Twilight giggled and smiled back. Applejack took that as her queue to turn around and start rounding up the others.
A few minutes later everypony was gathered by the small platform at the back of the town hall. Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and the Princess all sat back looking up at Twilight and Lyra. Lyra strummed her lyre with her magic once and winked at Twilight for her to begin. Twilight took a breath and faced her closest friends.
“Thank you all for coming. I’m sorry I took so long. I’m especially sorry to you princess. I should have…”
“By royal decree…” Princess Celestia interrupted, raising a hoof. “…I command thee, Twilight Sparkle, to stop apologizing.”
Celestia winked and everypony laughed openly including Twilight who blushed in embarrassment.
“I shall begin then.” Her horn lit up and the curtains of the town hall drew to a close blocking what was left of the setting sun, allowing everypony to be covered in darkness. Suddenly, floating purple and white orbs appeared around the room, conjured by Twilight to set the mood. Everypony cooed in amazement before Lyra gave her lyre another drawn out strum.
“The song I am about to sing, is an ode to a hero.” Twilight began, her eyes closed and her expression calm. Lyra strummed again creating a connection between her music and twilights words. Everypony in the audience leaned forward.
“It is a legend from a country that may or may not have existed. The book called it the “Throat of the world." The song begins with a prologue…and it goes something like this.”
Lyra strummed her instrument once more. Twilight slowly opened her eyes. They were glowing white and pulsing with a faint magic. Her voice voice became mystical, almost as if there was somepony else singing along with Twilight.
We should have acted.
They’re already here.
The Elder Scrolls told of their return.
Their defeat was merely a delay,
After the time Oblivion opened,
“Obliviwhat?” Pinkie asked. Rainbow shushed her.
When the sons of Skyrim would spill their own blood.
But no one wanted to believe,
Believe they even existed.
And when the truth finally dawns.
It dawns in fire.
But there is one they fear.
In their tongue he is Dovahkiin
Dragonborn.
“Sweet!” Spike said pumping his fist, earning himself a ‘shush’ by an irritated Rainbow Dash. There was silence for a few seconds as Twilight caught her breath. Then Lyra started playing a slow melody, and Twilight began to sing.
Our Hero, our hero, claims a warrior’s heart
I tell you, I tell you, the Dragonborn comes
With a Voice wielding power of the ancient Nord art.
Believe, believe, the Dragonborn comes
Rarity swooned a little. “This sounds sooooo romantic.” Rainbow Dash sighed and turned to rarity. “Seriously? Can you guys let Twi sing?” Suddenly everypony shushed her at once and Rainbow Dash folded her fore hooves and pouted silently, eyes fixed on Twilight and mouth clamped shut. Twilight didn’t seem to notice, as she continued her song without missing a beat.
Its an end to the evil of all Skyrim’s foes.
Beware, beware the Dragonborn comes
For the darkness has passed and the legend yet grows
You’ll know, you’ll know the dragonborn’s come.
Dragonborn. Dragonborn.
By his honor is sworn,
To keep evil forever at bay!
And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumphs shout,
Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray.
Lyra’s music slowly faded, and she paused for applause. Everypony in the room applauded, but their applause suddenly faded as they looked upon Twilight’s face. Her eyes were still white. Ablaze with magic. It almost hurt to look directly into her eyes.
“Twilight?” Princess Celestia asked concerned.
Dovakhiin…
Twilight said, still in a singing voice. Everypony sat back down, wondering if maybe Twilight simply hadn’t finished her song.
Dovakhiin… Dovakhiin…
Twilight began to levitate. The book that she had learned the song from slowly rose with her. It was now that Celestia knew something was wrong.
“Twilight!” She called out, but to no avail. Twilight couldn’t hear her. She continued to sing, but this time her voice was magnified and seemed to burn the air around her. Princess Celestia attempted to reach her with her magic, but much to her horror, her magic had no effect.
Dovakhiin. Dovakhiin.
Naal ok zin los vahriin,
Wah Dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal!
Ahrk fin norok paal graan fod nust hon zindro zaan,
Dovakhiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal.
There was a brilliant white flash, knocking everypony, including the princess down. By the time everypony came to. Twilight was gone.
Good job dude!
And that's saying something as I'm not in the best mood right now.
just one word can describe this awesomeness. awesome. make more
More! More!!!!!!!! this is so good! im speaking for all of us that MILDLY enjoyed it so far.
Hmm... You know, this is the first "Human" story I've ever given a chance. I presume she's going to Mundus, given the floating and the flash of light, though I'll admit that when I first saw the title, I thought it was about Twilight being dovahkiin. It was an enjoyable first chapter, though I can't give a very in-depth review just yet.
I can say that you have a good grasp of characterization, though there are a couple parts where you make minor run-ons. For example, during your description of the celebration, you write "...resembled more of a birthday party, complete with balloons, streamers, and even party games of which Celestia herself was blindfolded..."
Now, while that sentence hardly has anything wrong with the basic mechanics (you do tend to insert "of" in places it doesn't need to be in), it does have some troubles with flow. For instance, "it more resembled a birthday party" would probably have better flow than "resembled more of a birthday party", which, while technically not wrong, is somewhat awkward in regards to modern syntax. To fix the run-on issue, you could divide the long sentence into two.
After dividing it, your sentence could go from this:
"Instead the scene in the main hall resembled more of a birthday party, complete with balloons, streamers and even party games of which Princess Celestia herself was blindfolded, carrying a bat between her teeth swinging at a paper banana hanging from one of the balconies."
To this:
"Instead, the scene in the main hall more resembled a birthday party, complete with balloons, streamers, and even party games. Celestia herself was blindfolded and carrying a bat between her teeth, which she was swinging at a paper banana hanging from one of the balconies."
Whew. Maybe I got a little long-winded there... hope that helped. Now that we're done with,,, mechanics ... let's get on to how I liked this prologue You're, as I said, good on characterization, your writing is good and solid (and you'll refine it as you go on), and, most important of all, I enjoyed this. Never forget, the most important part is that people enjoy reading your story, and that you enjoy writing it. I look forward to the next chapter, and thank you for the fun read.
Oh god i listened to the song while reading. Even my nipples had goosebumps!
1931242 Thank you very much for the helpful comment. Now that I look at it, I do tend use "of" unnecessarily. I would have never caught that if I looked at it on my own. I made the necessary changes. Thanks!
1931314
Aw, shucks. Tweren't nothin'. Sorry it got a little long-winded. I totally suck at getting my point across quickly.
Run, Spike! RUN!
1931403
In all honesty, what is there for Dovahkiin to fucking *DO* in Equestria, other than cause an international incident?
you got my attention at the song both English and Dovah. i will love to see the next chapter
1932244 I would have him cause an international incident.
What's the dov at the end even say?
Very solid writing. count me in!
1933741 In Dragon:
As translated:
For a reference this is the song from the E3 Trailer
1934210
People take way too much time out of their day to learn a language of fictional, immortal ass-kicking dragons.
1934293 OR I use the immaculate and all knowing power of google to wind up here: MAGIC
I... I love it. Despite a few run-ons and capitalization errors, it's great. I hope Twilight goes to Mundus instead of the Dovahkiin coming to Equestria. Dovahkiin will be the Nord in the iron armor in the E3 video and things, right? Oh Luna I really hope you make his name Olaf...
Let us see... DOVAKIIN! Great chapter, hope to see more soon, keep goin and stay golden^^
P.S. When will this story take place?
If human twilight in mundas:
You could put twilight in as a powerful conjoration/alteration mage trying to get in to the college of winterhold, maybe becoming the master mage instad of tolfdir (arch-mage will still be the dragonborn) and have her help the dragonborn after he/she defends twilight against the angry trolls outside labarinthian. just a suggestion and somthing to go on. maybe have twilight cast lighting stom as her way of saying 'LET ME THE FUCK IN FARAULDA!"
If pony twilight in Mundas:
powerful retoration mage and dedicated chapel healer in solitude? dragonborn suspects her to be part deadra? (i never realy thought this part out)
Welp I can see a potential sh-storm inbound from the return of the dragon born to a peace filled place sooo...
1934347
I knew there was something like that on the interwebs, I just couldn't find it for the life of me.
Wait... Doctor Whooves tag? Huh? What will he have to do with anything?
1937876 Minimal. I assure you.
My heart, she bleeds for more
I was going to make something similar but you, good sir have done this better than I could ever. Have a stache
Im going to be waiting for the next chapter now, this is great.
Now this is cool. Tracked.
1939604
Aww, I was hoping for a double crossover...
Chapter 01 is about %80 Done. Gotta do heavy editing and cleanup.
Was it just me? Or did anyone else picture Twilights voice going all deep and Nordic at the end there. Btw, I have never considered reading an mlp / skyrim crossover before , but so far, it has been an enjoyable read and an ecellent use of the mechanics of both worlds to bring this story to life.
P.s. what I like the most is that it's soooo believable, well, minus the whole Dr. Who element. That's just me nitpicking so ignore this.
I like this a lot
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING SO MUCH POTENTIAL
if this is a success you will be famous on fimfiction forever
if you fail someone will take the early chapters and rewrite the rest in your name
either way you get somewhat famous
I had found this version of it a while ago and haven't stopped listening to it since.
Dude seriously you're stuff is way too good I feel discouraged to continue my own story about the Dovahkiin but I'll just use your story to encourage myself to keep going.
Awesome story man please continue writing.
Anyone else here has chills of awesomeness running down your spines while listening to this song?
Not bad so far... now to see how she reacts...
I'll just leave this here
This should not be in italics.
Don't capitalize "sing".
Twilight needs to be capitalized.
I skipped over the grammar errors I spotted and just pulled out the typos.
She heard spike yell
Everypony cooed in amazement
between her music and twilights words
Rainbow Dash sighed and turned to rarity
Can you guys let Twi Sing
eyes fixed on twilight
1, 3, 4 & 6. Forgot to capitalise.
2. Cooed? Isn't this word more tied in with you know, making sounds at/ from something adorable? Like a baby dragon? Or a baby bear? Or babies in general? I think the word you were looking for was Ooed.
5. The reverse here, extra capitalisation.
My first thoughts that we're running through my head were; Holy crap, Twilight can speak The Words of Power! Now she's gonna be unsto- oh wait, she doesn't have dragon blood. Guess we can count out OP Twilight In a good way of course because ya know, people making characters into a Mary Sue or somethin
let us all sing of the dragonborn!
Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, everybody lets sing
I don't know all the words so I'm making this up
Is this story dead?...