A masive purple stallion is found outside of fluttershy's cottage, when it is found out that he has a dark past with the princes of the moon the 6 help him find out about his past. Will he forgive everyone that betrayed him or will he seek out revenge.(First time doin story, crossing fingers that i dont mess it up, if you have any coments on how i can inprove it plz tell me, other than that enjoy.)
Page generated in 0.105 seconds
Total duration
1,075 users online
1,958,385 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Just a quick little improvement check here, errors-grammatical-lots of them.
They are on lines:
1st paragraph: Clowds & growng
2nd Paragraph: Tured, rufly, didnt, 'near by'
3rd paragraph: opprtunity
4th paragraph: Unfortunatly, didnit, 'to should be too',
5th paragraph: humour
6th paragraph: bearly, wasnt, 'so should be as'
7th paragraph: tryed, 'to should be too', conciderable, doin
8th paragraph: gessed, wouldnt,
9th paragraph: tryed, hoves
I can't be bothered to do the rest, these are rudimentary elements when it comes to story writing and you the author should pick them out by a simple proof read.
Also I suggest you 'fix' this chapter before writing the next.
I hope this doesn't deter you from writing further, if you need any help just drop me a message and i'll come metaphorically running to your aid.
This whole story concept is something should avoid. Making family relations to canon characters, or characters to specifically interact with main cast members makes that character a Mary Sue, perhaps the most hated kind of character that exists. The only way to redeem a Mary Sue story is to make it epic, well-written, and well-meaning, without any of the pomp and displaced arrogance.
Even then about a quarter of the readers will still hate it.
Saving Equestria from Doom... Dark Past... It's a generic story.
Purple stallion, who had wings? He reminds me of somepony...
The story isn't too bad. I'd suggest getting a pre-reader, story editor, or both.
Still, as a first story, this is pretty decent. You just don't know what to avoid. However, Aurora was right, this is dangerously close to a Mary Sue.
...also, just have to say, but when I read the description and it said "massive purple stallion", I couldn't help but wonder if this was a clopfic.
sorry for having such a dirty mind.
Ill read Mary Sue so i can make sure it isnt to similar ok but otherwise ty for comments and ill try to do better, i may just rewrite first chapter if i can find the time.
Omg I am a total dum ass saying that mary sue thing 'puts gun in mouth'
Also about the spelling errors my keyboard isnt the best half of the keys jam
145667
NO WAY!
Oh ya Once i post these next few chapters you will see that he isnt anything like purple blaze at all he is much bigger, isn't a pegasus, and he may be purple as well but his mane is has more than one color in it.
OK Hopefuly you will like it more than the first chapter. There shouldn't be any spelling errors or grammer problems in this one also i am looking for volunteers to proof read what i am about to post. As usual tell me how it came out and plz tell me how i can inprove it.
Hello me again,
There are still some grammatical errors, not many in the first section luckily however the paragraph after the break contains 4 errors - still this a great improvement from the last one.
Also in terms of writing style, paticularly in the first few paragraphs it's too simplistic, you get too tell-y, let the character metaphorically talk for themselves, in some cases it's needed to describe characters reactions to certain sitimuli however don't do it all the time; remember this is a story not a list, give them something to interpret and decifer for themselves.
Another thing, theres an unconcious stallion lying on the floor who a few moments ago Fluttershy was crying about, a few paragraphs later she's giggling at his lifeless form?
.
However I like the characterization Applejack throughout, just remember that any accent twists of a word requires puncuation e.g( 'something -> somethin') OR ( My -> Mah' ) OR (until -> 'till. )
Rarity seems surprisingly quiet in the first part, concidering how in canon, however I'm not saying throw in needless speech for her, if you're happy with it then we're fine - just she seemed a little off to me
Hope this helps
.
147557 Well if you dont mind, can you proof read my next chapter I have it all ready set up also ty once again for the advice.
147737
. I'd be happy to assist.
I dont mind at all
Oh good ty but honestly since this is my frist time writing a story i dont exactly know how im sposed to get the next chapter to you so you can proof read it.
148085
I sent you a message, check your inbox it will explain how
Yes I now that he has the writing skills of a three year old but what do you expect from someone that only learned if for three years and then didnt have a chance to use it for the next who (except me) knows how many years.
As the chapters continue on his writing will get better.
Keep at it, it's a good read and I like it very much
Good chapter man, can't wait until celestia hears about him (by twi or Luna I presume)
Keep at it it's good very good
Edit 1
Because I never done this before. First!
Ok i know this will make you all happier i have compleatly rewritten the first chapter it is much better and no where near as bland as it had been
Ok sorry for if you read it before i fixed it my computer glitched and f$#@ed everything up but its fixed now if you dont know what im talking about then thats good
Thank you for your comment and the only reason why my ratings are so low is because my first chapter was a piece of shit when I first posted it. I hadnt spell checked it it was a complete mess
but i have compleatly rewritten it and hopefully that will bring my ratings up 
I enjoy it, if there are spelling errors it didn't bothered
Shit just got real yay
Good chapter btw
ooooooooh
luna
who thought you were sadistic? -everypony raises their hand/hoof things-
not surprising
Well, he regained his memories.
Wonder what he will do. Will he go and try to get revenge on Luna? Or he will just not like her?
Bwahahahahahahahaha...cough...Anyway what do you think of it? And im talking story wise not grammer wise.
ok i might need a new proof reader it has been nearly a week and a half since i gave a chapter to him to sort out and he still hasn't reponded. I know he has his own stuff that he needs doing but i wana get the rest of this story posted so i can start on my next one If anyne wants to proofread for me send me a message.
181174 loststone
wasnt I your proof reader? cuz if i was i was just waiting for chapters...i actually fergot who i was proofreading for
No Pinkamina_daine_pie is my proofreader but he hasn't gotten back to me for over a week now so i just posted chapter 8 without it being proof read. I can uunderstand that he has his own stuff that he is working on but i have another story that i wana get started on that i cant untill i am done with this one.
As usual im sorry for any and all grammar errors I am still looking for a new proofreader. Hope you all liked it and if you are still confused about how it ended i`ll try and explain it a bit better.
Other than that I hope you guys loved that twist cause i know you didnt see it coming
PS: if one of you do want to proof read my next few chapters that would make me happy cause then I wouldnt have to worry so much about grammar problems.
and that my friend is why princess celestria is a douce and i hope dawn gets reveange on her and princess lunar is best pony
Nice chapter, although I noticed you wrote luan instead of luna
The climax is aprochin, hold fast to the seats because it will be enormous..... I think
Good chapter and nice settup for what's to come
oh god yes please
Hope you guys liked the fight scenes and the ending.
I may be making a follow up story for this one but i dont know at this point. Tank you for sticking with me 
Gee Wilikers that was a neato story!
But seriously good job
Princess luna son is Kaneki
Wow! This was such a cool story! I bet if you made sequel to this it would be amazing!!! I would love to see what happens next... Will there be a Princess Twilight? Will Bronze marry Princess Twilight?
Will Bronze share his duties with Princess Twilight; he'll raise the sun and she'll raise the moon? THE NEXT GENERATION of Bronze's kids!? So many probabilities! XD
Anyways, this was probably one of the best stories that I have read. Besides a few grammar and punctuation mistakes, I think you did a great job in explaining and planning out with each chapter. You could definitely tell that you got better as the story went on! Keep up with the good work! :D