• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 26th, 2015

AdrianJNovelle


T

A lot has happened in twenty-five years. Princess Cadence is now Princess of Equestria. Twilight's friends have all parted ways and pursued their own lives. Twilight herself has become the highest-level unicorn, now capable of manipulating the fabric of space-time with her magic.

Alone, scared, and desperate, Twilight travels to the future on a journey through time to find out who she is and where she belongs in the universe after the heartbreaking event of the death of the beloved Princess Celestia. It is here she catches the attention of a group of elite vigilante unicorns known as the Temporal Manipulation Squad. Twilight becomes Equestria's most wanted and is now forced to spend her time running from certain death while on her mission.

Will she escape the Temporal Manipulation Squad and make it back home in one piece? Will she succeed in her efforts to answer questions she wished she never had to ask? What will become of Twilight? Join Equestria's favorite unicorn on an epic journey through time and space as she explores the world of the future.

Author's Note: Rated Teen for language.

Chapters (34)
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Comments ( 56 )

Hmm Interesting.

:o Rainbow ditched them for the Wonderboltz and Applejack became rich and didn't speak to Twilight. No wonder she left!

Its interesting.
The writing is well done, as is the story line. Keep going!

dang Twilight i'm surprised for her to be alive. :O

Np. Thanks for the story!:twilightsmile:

876 years! That's Insane, From Earth! :applejackconfused:

"How is she?" Twilight asked her little sister. [Luna]

Pronoun refers back to... oh yeah, Twilight! has. a. little. sister. Wait, what? No no no no no. I'm not even an english teacher and you made me want to reach for a red pen in 2 sentences, aaaaahhhh.

I'm going to forgive you for now cause you sold me with the summary. But if there's too much more of this i fear i'll need to scream.

Edit:
"Lamentful" - ug. Mournful is an actual word, means what you want, and won't make readers cry. (OK, i won't swear 'lamentful' isn't a word, lots of stupid things are words, but it doesn't read well at all).

"Ah wonder wat kinda Equestria dat'd be ef Luna took over," Applejack mumbled. "Being dat she dun't have duh same experience dat Celestia does."

Too much! Suggest. We all know how Applejack sounds, so there's no need to mangle her diction so badly. You might think a little about speech patterns and idioms, however (without mangling the spelling!). Like "Ah wonder what kind of rodeo Luna would run, seeing as they ain't exactly peas from the same pod."

Luna's personality doesn't feel right in the last part. Also, Twilight not knowing the contents of an important document? I would expect her to start reciting back the contents verbatim (and possibly realize exactly what it meant halfway through).

Sudden switch to first person is jarring.

Also having a hard time believing Pinkie Pie ever abandoned anypony. I was almost expecting an angry Pinkie Pie to break the 4th wall in the middle of Twilight's speech and protest her innocence. Okay, not actually, but it would have been funny.

And back to third person. :facehoof: Please make up your mind :unsuresweetie:

Obvious time traveler is obvious? uh... There's either something really weird going on with pony society, or time traveler should be so far outside the realm of possibility as to never occur to anypony. Like, 'space aliens did it' is a more likely explanation. Okay, other Twilight being a public time traveler makes the conclusion less crazy, but still pretty crazy. That conversation just rubs all sort of wrong.

Having reached the in-progress point...

Concept: still interested, not convinced you're making as good of use of it as i had hoped, but still interested
Dialog: Sometimes weak. Twilight's dialog with Zimmermare works well, but a lot of the recollected dialog doesn't. Some dialog is not particularly well-motivated or doesn't feel natural.
Plot: Leaving aside the jumping forward through time basis, which is still mostly concept.
-Equestria just falling apart feels poorly motivated. I would have hoped for the start of an explanation by now.
-Unfortunately it feels like Twilight is frequently holding the idiot ball. When she finds civilization once again, why doesn't she ask where the nearest library is and *check a history book*? I mean, she's a librarian, this should be second-nature. The trip to ponyville is premature.
Characterization: Mostly okay, except as already noted.
Technical: Already pointed out some issues. Could use an editing pass. Also, tense switching is bad for you, choose one and stay with it. (Honestly, I'd recommend rewriting everything to 1st person Twilight, your strongest writing is in that mode. I'd even tell the whole thing with future Twilight as narrator while talking to Zimmermare, even if we don't realize that's when the telling is happening until the chapter Zimmermare is introduced in).
Style: Frequently pedestrian, but also lively and sometimes humorous. Details are sparse in a way that doesn't feel so much an intentional style choice as the sign of a novice writer.

Overall: The premise is really great, but I'm feeling disappointed about how you're handling it. Not enough to rage and turn my desk over, i did read the whole thing because i want to know where its going, but the weaknesses are definitely distracting. Cannot recommend enough that you find a skilled beta reader who will be honest and patient with you, it will definitely improve your writing and this story.

2108269 If you don't like it, don't read it. We all know this story is just building you up for several hours in awe and anticipated resolution before breaking your heart and crushing it into tiny bits and pieces. I already wrote the ending, and cried doing it.

Also, about the narration: everything until the last...remark (since it's not necessarily prose) of the last chapter is dialogue, being told by Twilight to Dr. Zimmermare until the story catches up with her. Still, she is telling the story. The third-person parts are paraphrased, thus the need for the third-party narrator. 90% of the story is first-person, even after we enter Interval III, meet Dr. Zimmermare, and Twilight finally finishes her long and dreary story. It's like Odysseus in the Odyssey. Only Counterclockwise is not a poem, nor Greek. Twilight is part of Equestria's most wanted, though.

I'd be spoling if I were to say anything more.

2108366

Dude that was some serious constructive criticism. Don't argue with that guy! He's trying to help!

Also your on a site where stories are rated, reviewed, and commented on. The ones people like go into the feature box. That's the whole way this site works. Take his advice.

2109301 Well, I feel picked on when people crticize me about my writing. :unsuresweetie: Writing is all I have in this world. I know fanfiction's not my strongest genre. I know that, and I knew that going in. Took five psychotic rants from Equestria Daily to nail that fact into my head. I get it. I don't want 'constructive crticism' presented to me. I'm just a Brony who has been told to be a great writer, who simply loves writing fanfiction starring Twilight. I always feel attacked when people come down on me about my writing. And when I get defensive about it, I'm always in the wrong, and so no one backs me up. I blame my sensitivity and autism. I do admit I am extremely sensitive, but that's all the more reason to keep your mouth shut. I get discouraged very easily, and if it's towards my one and only talent - the talent for which I have a cutie mark - I just wanna cry. :fluttercry: And your friend's criticism is reminiscent of all the hate-mail I got from Equestria Daily, which, as you can imagine, hurts me all the more.

I know it's dumb and stupid that I'm a writer who can't take critcism for crap, but if it's any consolation, I don't criticize others. Granted, I haven't been doing very much reading on Fimfiction, but what I have read, I've liked, and I've always been positive and encouraging towards others who may not have my gift, flair, and love for writing; because I don't want to give them the pain that I don't even want to go through. And believe me: I've been through a lot of pain, since no one seems to like what I write. :raritydespair:

Love and tolerate. :heart:

What a mistake.. Just because she was miserable at 850 does not mean she did not have many good years between 98 and 849. Plus she may have been just as miserable at THIS 98 as she was at that 850. Plus it is not just her -- the world was probably better for having a twilight sparkle in it for all that time.

you good sir a getting a: like, favourite, and follow:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:
on the other hand, EPIC story mate keep going

2121424 Thanks, man. :twilightsmile: Say that again when it breaks your heart. Ha ha ha! :rainbowlaugh:

Shite just got real:pinkiesmile:

i like where this is going:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

And THAT is why time-cops need to be careful with how they treat ponies. If you antagonize them enough, you leave them no choice but to massively mess with the future. Of course there are all kinds of things that can go wrong from here but :twilightoops: you just :ajbemused: your future.

Twilight Sparkle:

Fixer of all the timelines.

something tells me shit's about to go down:rainbowdetermined2:

I request and demand moar please:raritystarry:

A sense a great number of feels heading our way:trixieshiftleft:

2196858 Would those be positive or negative feelings? :rainbowhuh:

2198524 Stay tuned. If I say any more than that, I'd be spoiling it. :raritywink:

Please kill this idiot, as he has caused every ounce of suffering ever as far as we can tell. He is the root of all evil through his actions, and deserves a fitting punishment.

You have violated the first rule of fan fiction. Always put an extra line between paragraphs.

I'm sorry, but I just can't read anymore of this until it is fixed.

2205485 Sucks for you, dude; nopony else seems to mind. :unsuresweetie:

2205485
This rule of fanfiction, leaving a line between paragraphs, is not technically a rule. It's just a habit. If you were to read a book, it would be structured very much like this.

With that in mind, there's no problem with this story. It's just written by someone who knows their shit. True, the line break is more convenient for some, but it's by no means mandatory.

*has not yet read the story yet* If this is in Canterlot you could make the title Canterclockwise :twilightsheepish::yay::trollestia::ajsmug::pinkiecrazy::moustache:

*doesnt know how to reply to comments either* Just finished reading...:pinkiegasp: can't believe I finished this in 2 hours subtract dinner time :pinkiecrazy: I never really :raritycry: on many stories but that ending just made me want to cuddle my mom, who is by the way sleeping right next to me. Have some yays :yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:

And to all the haters: :flutterrage:YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT!!!!!!!
'Nuff said :twilightsmile: :pinkiehappy: :scootangel: :ajsmug: :raritywink: :rainbowkiss: :moustache:

2220909 Thanks, but it's not the end, though. In fact, that's not even the saddest part. Trust me, I've cried myself to sleep writing the ending. :pinkiesad2:

Oh, and, just a tip: there's a little button for replying to comments that appears if you hover over it.

I'm on my ipad so I can't hover over the message :trixieshiftright: :twilightblush: :unsuresweetie:

Did I hear a seqYAYuel? :pinkiegasp: :pinkiehappy: :yay: :twilightsmile: :ajsmug: :rainbowkiss: :raritystarry: :yay: :derpytongue2: :scootangel: :yay: :moustache: :raritywink: :pinkiecrazy: :yay: :duck: :yay:

P.S. Count the yays and multiply by infinity. That's your score. Have a trollestia :trollestia:

Y MY YAYS NO APPEAR? :flutterrage: :twilightangry2: :fluttershbad: :facehoof:

:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay: multiplied by infinity = :yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:...you get the idea

Y MY YAYS NO APPEAR? :flutterrage: :twilightangry2: :fluttershbad: :facehoof:

:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay: multiplied by infinity = :yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:...you get the idea

2225537 How about you wait until the end...then come talk to me, okay? :twilightsheepish:

And the sound of heartbreak is heard throughout the land. :fluttercry:

2231092 I know, man...wait for it...it gets sadder. :unsuresweetie:

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