• Member Since 18th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 4th, 2014

zephyrdash


Total Brony.

E

In Canterlot three friends named Zephyr Dash, Crystal Dancer and Dream Treasure are pony napped one day and recruited to join a elite spy pony force. They must save Canterlot from the evil that lurks the underworld. The question is- will they survive this task?

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 2 )

This moves waaaaay too fast.

Zephyr Dash, Crystal Dancer, and Dream Treasure? Those names just reek of Mary Sue-ness, but I can't completely evaluate the characters yet because you gave them no time to develop. We know that Zephyr Dash is good with electronics (which don't exist in Equestria, but I'll let that slide). Like I said with names... That has nothing to do with his talent, and I'm guessing you chose a cool-sounding word at random.

Extend the intro scene (and break it up into paragraphs). I can't distinguish between Crystal and Dream, neither of them are given enough time to show individuality.

Suddenly tornado, everyone gets knocked unconscious by... rocks? And then the Princesses are there. Work on your pacing. You should try to go for chapters over 1,000 words each. If you added more detail to just the events in this chapter, you could easily reach that mark.

And other than that, get a proofreader to help you with your grammar. You want your story to be as good as possible before you actually choose to present it. And some stylistic things - look at how you used the phrase "cutie mark is still there" three times in a row. It sounds awkward.

148404

Just wanted to comment on the names issue here. I know zephyrdash from another site, and he asked some of the members for characters to use in the story. He used everyone's usernames and put them into a name generator instead of using the given names. Not what I would've done, but whatever. Just wanted to clear that up. Also "Crystal Dancer" was my older OC, Dynamite Spark.

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