• Published 15th Jul 2014
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A Survivors Guide to Equestria - Onomonopia

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My Insurance Company Hates Me

Ryan did his best to avoid breaking anything as he was tossed through the air by the shockwave created by the Hydra's foot as it tried to stomp down on him. Unfortunately, he landed on his back and felt his breath leave his lungs. He shook his head and looked up at the sight of a massive foot coming down on top of him. He managed to avoid being crushed, but the impact of the foot hitting the ground tossed him back into the air. This time he was fortunate enough to land back in the swamp, but that was a minor comfort. He quickly surfaced, hacking and coughing, as the hydra tried to locate him again.

"Okay...can't keep this up. I need a plan," he coughed, desperately thinking of some way to try and bring down the hydra. His stun baton was useless; all he had was the bug eggs Zecora had given him and the rope. He'd either have to run or make do with those. He dove back under the water to avoid detection, swimming to the other side of the swamp to get some distance between him and the hydra. He surfaced as quietly as he could on the other side, looking around the bog for anything that could be useful. His eyes fell upon a boulder balanced precariously on a cliff at the end of the bog. That's where he needed to go. The hydra spotted him and started to charge him.

"Bring it," he growled, turning around and tearing off towards the end of the bog. With its longer legs, the hydra was able to quickly catch up with him. Ryan needed to by himself some time, he needed a trick and he needed it quick. Oh God, he was rhyming. The hydra over took him and skidded to a stop in front of Ryan. He dove to the side as one of the hydras heads slammed into the ground right beside him. It shook its head and slowly picked its head back up, eyes rolling in its head. Ryan noticed that when the hydra had tried to flatten him it left its mouth open. THAT gave him an idea.

"Come on, you stupid snake! Is that all you got?" The hydra's eyes narrowed and the head that had previously attacked him reared back before lashing out. Instead of rolling out of the way, he plucked the stinkbug egg from his pocket and tossed it straight into the hydras gaping maw. It exploded in a cloud of smoke, creating a terrible stench cloud. The hydras eyes widened in shock and it reared its head back, roaring in agony. The stench was so strong that tears fell from its eye and the other three heads gagged as well. Even Ryan had to cover his nose from the ungodly smell. The head cried out one last time, before it slumped over unconscious.

"HA! One down, one to- OH SHIT!" Ryan screamed, throwing himself out of the way of another head. The remaining three shrieked at him and charged, working together to try and devour him. He dived by one of the heads and watched the hydra smash through a decent number of trees. The three heads snarled and began to fight amongst themselves.

'So they're not that bright, huh? I can use that to my advantage.' While the heads were busy fighting, Ryan pulled out the rope and wrapped it around the base of two of the larger trees. That had been the hard part. Getting the hydra over to it would be easy. He whistled at the hydra and the three heads snapped towards him, renewed rage in their eyes. He flipped them the bird and took off running, hearing the thudding footsteps as the beast chased after him. He hopped over the rope and kept sprinting, waiting for the fall of the giant. The hydra ran straight into the rope, tripping the massive beast and causing it to fall to the ground with a BOOM!

"Take that!" he screamed with joy, watching the hydra's heads slam into the ground. While they were dazed, Ryan sprinted to the closest head and pulled himself onto it. He pulled out the stun baton and charged it to full power. He looked right into one of the eyes with a grin and drove the baton straight into the pupil.

"GGGGRRRRAAAAOOONNNNN!"

The hydra screamed in agony, tossing its head back in pain and tossing Ryan back into the swamp. He surfaced with a smile, placing the baton back in his pack as the hydra lumbered around the swamp in pain. He had taken out two of the heads, but there was still the other two as well as the giant beast. Ryan pulled himself back out of the swamp and sprinted back towards the rock wall at the end of the bog. The remaining two hydra heads glared at him in sheer loathing and let loose a scream of fury into the sky, lunging at the human in utter abandon. Ryan had managed to make it to the end of the bog, where he placed his back to the wall and waited for the hydra to reach him. He smiled as the beast charged straight for him, not caring for the wall or the boulder positioned on the top.

"That's right, you stupid snake. Come get me!" The hydra obliged, lowering its remaining heads and charging straight at him. He took a few steps left and threw himself over to the left. The hydra stormed past him and ran heads first into the wall, the impact knocking the hydra to the ground. As it struggled to get up, the boulder at the top of the rock wall had been of set and it slowly rolled itself over the edge. The hydra had gotten back to its feet and had just turned around to face Ryan when the boulder landed on the hydra.

BBBBBOOOOMMMM!!

"Down goes Frazier! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!" Ryan yelled with a laugh, watching the hydra fold like paper underneath the boulder. It collapsed to the ground with all four heads laying out from underneath the rock. Ryan smiled and walked over to where the hydra lay, making his way over to the head with the moss on it.

"And now to claim my prize," he said with a smile. He reached up to the moss and reached out. The moment he did, they hydras head sprang to life and it wrapped its jaws around his body. He swore as the hydra began to crush down, nearly snapping his spin and all of his ribs. He could barely see as the pain flooded throughout his body, with hydra smiled in what it thought was certain victory

BONK!

A piano fell from the sky and landed straight on the hydras head, knocking the creature for a loop and causing it to release its grip on Ryan. He fell to the ground coughing, looking up to the sky to see what had happened and where the package had come from. A smile spread across his face when he saw the grey pegasus from yesterday fluttering there with a grin.

"Thanks for the save," he managed to gasp out. She smiled at him and reached inside her mail bag, retrieving a package and tossing it to Ryan. He caught it with ease and looked back up to the grey mare. She saluted with a smile and flew off into the distance. Ryan looked down at the package, which had the words "Ditzy's Air Delivery" written on the top. He placed the box in his wet backpack with a smile before getting back up and walking over to the unconscious hydras head. He did his best to ignore the piano and spent his time going through the debris, looking for the moss. He found it under the 8th note and placed it inside his bag as well.

"Well, that about wraps things up here. I'd better get back to Zecora's," he said aloud, turning around and heading back to the hut. He was lucky that he had left his journal back at the castle; the swamp water would've ruined it. While he headed back, Ryan examined his body for damage. He was wet, tired, smelled like swamp and felt like he had been hit by a truck. Not bad considering what he had fought against. After he picked back up the now torn rope, he headed back for Zecora's and wondered what else the crazy zebra would have for him to do. He wasn't looking forward to it.

{+++++++++}

Zecora had to admit, Ryan was a sight to behold. He had slammed open the door to her hut with such force that it had knocked over some of her jars. She had turned to scold him, but the moment she saw what state he was in laughter once again overcame her. He was soaked, had teeth marks in his jacket and if looks could kill, she'd be ash. He scowled at her while she laughed at him and threw his backpack onto the table.

"I'm sorry, but your appearance has me at a loss. I hope you managed to retrieve the moss?" she asked with a laugh. Ryan pulled the moss out of his bag and tossed it onto the table. Zecora smiled and picked the moss up, placing it on one of her shelves. Ryan sat down at her table and placed his head on it with a thump.

"So...what's next?" Ryan asked wearily.

"This next part will be better for your health. I will now teach you a few tricks in stealth." Ryan lifted his head half way off the table, waiting for Zecora to finish.

"You will head to Ponyville immediately and write up a bio on the Elements of Harmony." Ryan slammed his face back down onto the table.

"Who the heck are the Elements?" he asked through the wood.

"Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Rarity, along with Applejack, Fluttershy and Pinkie," Zecora answered, following with descriptions of each of them. "This will test if you can avoid being seen. Here are some tricks to avoid making a scene. Stick to the shadows and try not to move. Ponies don't see in dark as well as you. Barrels and dumpsters are your friends. Hide on them to avoid your end." Ryan made a mental note of all the tips and waited to see if Zecora had more.

"Finally, avoid the princesses at all cost. If they catch you, you are lost. In order to research properly, you will need to see. To see extra far, use these." Ryan stood up and picked up the binoculars that Zecora had placed on the table, sticking them in his bag. He then slid the backpack on and headed out the door. Ryan headed off in the direction of Ponyville, wondering how on...wherever he was how he was supposed to get in and out of the city unseen. He supposed that elevation was his friend, so he'd stick to the tops of buildings or the shadows of the streets. Now that he had a plan, he was ready for Ponyville.

(_____++++_______)

Sneaking into the town was a lot harder than sneaking out of it. Ryan was lucky that the day had clouded up, blocking the sunlight and allowing him to blend in easier. His dark hoodie and pants helped him mix in with the shadows, but he still had a few close calls. A lot of ponies were out on the streets today, making him pick and choose his times to move. Ryan had made his way to the part of town where the buildings were closer together, allowing him to scale one of them and giving him access to the roofs. He carefully moved along them, making sure to watch the skies for pegasi. He had made it to the center of the town, where all the ponies had gathered.

"Alright, this is where the ponies all seem to be. Let's hope I can find the ones that Zecora mentioned." He took the binoculars out of his bag and placed them to his eyes, scanning the town's populace. He saw a huge variety of ponies, of large and small. He turned a little to the left and spotted one of the Elements...at least he thought she was one. She had a purple mane and a white coat, gems on her flank. That fit the description of Rarity, Element of Generosity. Ryan watched as the mare called out and her assistant ran over. He realized that the assistant was Spike, the dragon from the tree house. He was nearly buried under an avalanche of clothing supplies, but he had a huge smile on his face as he followed her around.

'She seems to be a fashion designer or some sort of fashion model. Spike appears to be her servant.' Ryan watched as the two ran around excitedly door a few minutes, until a loud trumpet sounded off. Ryan looked around in fear, wondering if he had been seen. No, it wasn't him for all the ponies were lining up on the side of the street. When they had parted, Ryan noticed a banner at the end of the street near the center building. It read.

Welcome Princess Celestia.

Fuck.

Ryan looked to the sky to see a golden chariot descend upon Ponyville, heading for the center where the ponies were gathered. Ryan went prone in the shadows, hoping that the princess or the flying guards hadn't seen him. Once the chariot had landed, Ryan crawled over to the edge of the building he was on and looked through the binoculars at the scene below.

A massive white horse with pegasi wings and a unicorn horn had stepped out of the chariot. All the ponies around her bowed down, confirming Ryan's suspicions. This was one of the princesses, one of the creatures that Zecora had warned him about. He backed up a bit before continuing his observations. The princess walked up to a pony that he recognized as Twilight and smiled at her. Twilight responded by face planting the ground with a bow, an action that Celestia laughed at. Two more ponies came up to greet her. One was an orange regular pony. Applejack. The other was a pink pony. Pinkie.

'So these two are also Elements of Harmony along with Twilight and Rarity.' He continued his observations for nearly an hour. Twilight seemed to panic over the slightest things, constantly checking up on the princess to make sure she was okay. Twilight also ran around refilling drinks and taking notes on everything. OCD much? Applejack seemed to be the sensible one, taking everything that happened in stride. She kept her cool, even when the princess teleported herself around the room, causing Twilight to go into panic mode. And with that Pinkie pony, that was a feat. Pinkie bounded around the place with boundless energy, bothering every pony and creature in sight. What scared Ryan the most was that every once in a while she would look over to where he was hiding. She would stare for a minute, but he was too well hidden for her to find him.

After watching the party outside for a half hour, Ryan figured that he had taken enough chances and chose to move. There were two Elements left, Fluttershy and Rainbow. He placed the binoculars inside his bag and slowly slipped backwards, climbing back down the building. According to Zecora, she was located at the end of the town. He slipped back into the shadows and made his way to the village.

()()
()

Fluttershy was interesting, to say the least. He had made his way to her house on the edge of town with only one incident. A massive red stallion had spotted him in an alleyway and had tried to chase him down. Ryan had taken Zecora's advice and had hidden inside of an open barrel. He couldn't believe it when the stallion ran right by him, completely ignoring the barrel. He had managed to slip away and make his way to the edge of town.

He was using the binoculars to watch Fluttershy from a distance, although he had to keep moving in order to keep a line of sight. She was a pale yellow with a pink mane and nervous as hell. She jumped at the slightest noises and sometimes looked around when there was nothing there. Then again, he was watching her. Maybe that's what set her off?

She lived up to Zecora's description though, as she defiantly embodied the Element of Compassion. Throughout his entire time watching her, she was always taking care of animals. Birds, bunnies; every animal was under her roof. Besides that, there was not much else to say about her. He slipped away into the shadows, making his way back to town. He had found magic, honesty, compassion, generosity and laughter. Who was he missing?