Sandova Mirell
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I came into this story expecting a typical HiE fic to be completely honest and to my great joy I was proven wrong. While the basic premise of 'guy who doesn't know about the values of harmony ends up in Equestria' is there, the writing is such that it feels like a whiff of fresh air.
Firstly, you wrote a likable character who as of yet does not seem overpowered. This is key to why I find this so interesting as most HiE has a whiny, depressed misanthrope as a protagonist whereas Mirrel seems like the 'chaotic good' anti-hero that we can all appreciate.
Secondly you did not abuse a setting which contained magic. To elaborate, many HiE fics use 'and then a magical portal suddenly appeared and he fell through in a flash of light'. You have again taken the basic idea that is common and polished it to a point where it is almost unrecognizable. I personally loved the schemes within schemes aspect that you added as it gave the human world a flair of its own rather than just a place for the character to exist.
Overall I am both surprised at the quality of an HiE fic and pleased with the same thing. Keep up the good work, consider yourself tracked and thumbs'd.
Well... you have a really interesting writing style, there. And you immediately established Asphyxious as a pretty likeable Magnificent Bastard.
"May you one day see the fault of your actions and repent." => "Why didn't I just become a librarian?"
Well, that didn't take long
I do wonder why Twilight didn't consider that something escaping from Tartarus might actually belong inside, though...
As for the writing style and English, I spotted some its/it's errors, and some sentences seem to need some commas to make them flow better, but overall, really good.
Some friendly corrections and remarks:
)
> it's hide covered with red scales
> by becoming it's owner
Should be "its", in both cases
> Oh wait, I did do that didn't I.
The "didn't I" part is technically a question, while the rest of the sentence isn't. To make the switch of intonation more clear in such a case, separate the two pieces with a comma. (actually ending with a question mark here doesn't seem absolutely necessary, though, so no comment there
> I looks scared out of its mind.
"[It] looks"
Very interesting story, I tip my hat to ya, A few grammar errors but the other comment already showed them.
1914235
To be honest, Mirell is more Lawful Evil then Chaotic Good, mostly because good guys don't sell other people's souls to devils now do they? But you're right that that he's kind of an anti-hero.
for the rest, I'm honestly flattered by the replies, never thought i'd recieve praise so quickly. Well, that's the brony community for ya.
Sandova out
well written, excellent twists, nice writing style. overall i give it a 9.5/10 because of grammar but you acknowledged it so we are good.
1914633
I suppose you are right. But I guess the fandom has made me think the best of people on the good-evil ranking scale
Wow I really like where this Tory is going it is a breath of fresh air in the stale room or Hie
I like it but what are you bashing the spells and stuff on, a game? A movie? Or are you just markeing up stuf as you go along?
FYI I ment baseing not bashing I'm using my new ipad with its bloody autocorrect
1919239
As I said in the autor's comment the human world is based on dungeons and dragons. You can find all spells in he player's handbook and the dread necromancer class in the Heroes of Horror expansion book.
Considering he had a familiar and can use 'touch' abilities, I assume he's not far from being a Lich.
1919560
Naw, he's about lvl 8. The touch abilities start at lvl 1, and you gain a familiar at lvl 7. He barely learned how to cast animate dead now.
"I like marble by the way"
I laughed so hard. Also did I detect a reference to my first comment in this chapter?
1919716
Perhaps you should make a small snippet of a story pertaining to his abilities, inventory, alignment, etc. It would certainly save you a lot of time I think.
1919743 Maaaybe
)
1919750 Actually i used this chapter for more background, but i was planning on going further into his abilities the coming chapters. As for inventory, he has robes, a saber and...well, that's kinda it(it was not like he was in the position to grab stuff before he went now was he?
lol, good story!
1919526 ok thanks
'Why just not kill me instead?'- Sandova's mind
1920436
because killing him would be too good for him?
3.5e? I'm more partial to 4e myself.
1922685 He is not owed that kindness
I would really like to see more chapters. This story is getting very interesting.
And then she told the dread mage to go learn about friendship
So he had sexual relations with Pinkie Pie.
Sounds like rousing fun all around.
1926964
Not exactly. Maybe they just kissed a lot.
We can't be sure until we can verify the current whereabouts of Sandova's pants.
HURAY 4 BOOOOZE
So it took him like less than a day to completely cross at least ummmmmm three social taboos. I find this hilarious
.
OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!
1927095
And when he find out he has them on, but with his penis through the zipper hole, all will be confirmed.
I don't think celestia would approve of that kind of party on his first day there... TOO LATE GET THE BOOZE
glad to see y'all like it.
It seems my internet trouble is over as well, I can update even faster now
Some minor adjustments on this chappter are going to be posted soon, cuz I felt something was missing, and I discovered some mistakes that I missed cuz I had to leave the train(and the free wifi in the train).
As for the results of the party, I'll just give some hints in chapter 4 and leave the rest to your slaanesh tainted imagination(I know you want to
)
1928109 Sandova wears robes, and it was summer when he left. He didn't have pants on to begin with, and I'm pretty sure zippers haven't been invented in D&D's generic setting. Thanks for the disturbingly hillarious mental picture though.
That's all. I hope to have posted chapter 4 be4 the end of tha day, but I also have stuff to do at the university and a D&D session to prepare for. Expect it around afternoon or so.
-Sandova
1931057
Okay then. Just some advice, if you have writer's block, don't force something out. You'll look at it, your readers will look at it, and both parties will think "What the hell is this crap?" It never ends well.
You are not obliged to update. Take as long as you need.
I totally like this story now.
Heh im loving the story but I swear if your planning on having rarity whip him up a suit for a fancy party or some mystical armour that improves his mana so help me...
Ive seen it other times...
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8748-oie_812377cBUaEsg.gif
....How high is his Charisma score?
1933823 20, he's Lvl 9, and maxed out his charisma at char creation. He had 18 from the start, then used the pointa at lvl 4 and 8 to buff it further. He's a handsome bastard.
1935261
I suppose it fits. Is Charisma his spellcasting stat then? I would have assumed a necromancer would have needed Intelligence for his spells and Constitution to have the hardiness to cast necromancy, or is that a different from a Dread Necromancer?
1937378 I've had quite a lot of these questions now. Time for a final answer
The dread necromancer is like a specialist sorcerer done well. Charisma is his spellcasting stat, and he has a limited spell list. He gets a free martial weapon proficiency and light armor proficiency as well. Yes, he can cast spells in light armor without spell failure. He also gains a LOT of fancy extra features, making him more of an mid-range combat mage. He gets a touch attack that does 1d8 dmg at lvl 1, and he can use it at will. He can rebuke undead like a cleric, and later he gets dmg reduction, aoe negative energy burst of 1d4/lvl dmg once per day, an evil familiar(devil, quasit, varguille or ghostly visage. Sandova has a devil by the way), he can add his charisma bonus to his lvl for determining how many undead he can control, all undead he creates get +4str and +2hp per hit dice(this ability stacks with the corpsecrafter feat, which does the same for a whopping +8str and+4hp/lvl).
He also gains a fear aura, the ability to add even nastier stuff to his touch attacks and he becomes a lich at lvl 20 for free.
Safe to say that this class is perfect for people that want to play a specialized necromancer. i gave him some feats to help him stay alive, and others to boost his necromancy.
Sandova's stats:
Str 8
Con 10
Dex 14
Int 15
wis 15
Cha 20
I think I covered about everything game-wise, and note that Sandova doesn't have all abilities yet. he's only lvl 9 so don't worry, he's not ridiculously overpowered. He is able to cast some rather nasty spells, though.
now that's enough for spoilers, those with more questions should really start reading the 'Heroes of Horror' expansion for 3.5, the class is explained on page 84.
Sandova out
1937442
I see. A limited spell-list along with little practical application in a world that hardly ever sees death in addition to a lack sufficient of arms, armor, and physical aptitude. I am not certain if I should be glad or not that a single strong hit could bloody him. At least his lack of spell variety will have him thinking of different solutions unlike wizards and their repertoire of spells for most every situation.
Well, that was quite a twist.
Nice twist.
i131.photobucket.com/albums/p281/mlarson1942/what-a-twist.jpg
1979409
Thank you kindly, it has been fixed.
1980334
And again the mistakes slip past my vigilance! Thank you for helping me hunt the lil' buggers down.
I'm currently working on chapter 5 already, the gods struck me with the mighty bolt of inspiration it seems. Expect it soon!
Sandova out
Not much to say honestly, I exhausted my intelligent remarks in my first comment so good job will have to suffice.
I really hope this story doesn't end up sickeningly sweet, as stories like this one tends to happen, or at least Sandova has some suspicions about the place. Some nice stuff so far :)
1984865
Then you might want to stick around, war is not sweet at all(at least, not since the last time I checked)
Sandova out
Haha well look at Sandova's luck, he managed to find the one skeleton that would actually belong to someone who wanted to be reaniated