Surprise
Surprise!
It was a crisp, midsummer morning in Ponyville. Most ponies were setting up shop or walking around, whether it’s to enjoy the cool breeze and rising sun or to buy groceries before the crowds start forming. But there was one particular pony that wasn’t having such a good morning..
“Sweetie Belle, hurry up before you’re late!” said Rarity, a white unicorn with a deep blue mane and tail and sapphire eyes, in as a sweet a voice as she could keep.
“Coming sis!” responded an even sweeter, yet childish, voice.
All of a sudden there was a knock at the front door of Rarity’s dress shop, the Carousel Boutique.
“Ohhh who could that be?” whined Rarity in a slightly agitated voice. “I hope it’s not more customers coming to place an order, I already have enough on my plate...” she mumbled as Rarity walked to the door. Putting on a bright, smiling face she opened it with her magic and started to say “Welcome to the Carousel Bouti..” Rarity started, trailing off. She noticed it was Sweetie Belle’s friends, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom.
“Hey Miss Rarity, is Sweetie Belle ready?” asked the little yellow filly, Apple Bloom, with her family’s trademark southern accent.
“Hold on just a minute girls. SWEETIE BELLE!!!” shouted Rarity with a volume that made the earth and pegasus pony jump with fear and surprise.
“I’m coming, I’m coming. Jeez,” responded a small white unicorn filly with a pink and magenta colored mane and tail.
Noticing her friends, she got excited. “Hey Scootaloo! Hey Apple Bloom!”
They both gave her a huge smile, then Apple Bloom asked “Y’all ready fer school today?”
“Yea, I got a bunch of plans for our crusading afterwards!” added Scootaloo with excitement.
“You bet! See ya later Rarity!” said the excited white filly, giving her sister a hug before running to catch up with her friends.
“Be safe, Girls!” shouted Rarity, knowing full well the kind of trouble that trio of fillies can cause.
After closing her door and sighing, Rarity decided to head into the kitchen for a cup of tea before starting on her new clothing lines for the upcoming Fall and Winter seasons. After taking a few steps toward her kitchen, Rarity started feeling slightly dizzy, and she could feel the onset of a headache. Thinking the tea will help, she continued to walk towards the kitchen, using her magic to levitate all the things she’d need to make her drink. While waiting for the water to boil, she started to think of designs and colors that would look fabulous and “in.”
“Well, for Fall, I could use rustic colors like brown and red. Or, maybe something a little brighter like yellow and red-orange?” As Rarity was deep in thought, her kettle started to whistle and steam, snapping her out of her thoughts. She finished making her tea then levitated the cup with her upstairs so she could grab her notebook in which she usually kept her ideas and drawings before she decided they were perfect enough to become tangible.
When she reached her room she started looking for the notebook, forgetting what she did last with it. Taking a few sips of her tea, she started looking in drawers and underneath piles of leftover cloth that she seemed to never have time to dispose of properly.
“Aha! There it is,” Rarity happily said to herself as she found her notebook on the floor by her bed. “Hmm, must’ve fallen asleep while writing in it again last night.”
As she enclosed the book in her blue aura of magic and lifted it, she took a few more sips of her tea; that’s when it hit full force. She could feel her stomach rumbling and bile starting to creep its way up her throat, so she rushed to her bathroom and started vomiting in her toilet. After about a minute or two, she washed her mouth out with water to wash away the taste and looked at herself in the mirror.
“I don’t understand what’s wrong,” the unicorn said to her reflection, “I look perfectly normal. Ohh I do hope I’m not getting sick... I know, I’ll go to the doctor’s, just to be on the safe side.” So, after taking a few more gulps of water and cleaning up her spilt tea, Rarity closed and locked up her shop and headed towards the hospital.
*************************************************************************************************
As she entered the hospital, Rarity couldn’t help but shudder like she usually does whenever she enters hospitals. For some reason, the white walls and overpowering smell of sanitized floors always made the fashionista feel uncomfortable. She trotted up to the desk and smiled at the white Earth Pony who wore her pale red hair in its usual bun.
“Hello Nurse Redheart,” Rarity greeted. “I was wondering if I could get a quick checkup; I haven’t been feeling well this morning and just wanted to make sure that it was nothing more than a cold.”
The nurse smiled at Rarity and replied, “of course dear, just take a seat and I’ll come get you when a room is open”.
*************************************************************************************************
After waiting for an hour in those “horrendous and tacky chairs,” as Rarity would describe them, Nurse Redheart came out and led the unicorn to a room where she promptly starting doing a basic checkup: her pulse, temperature and all the usual stuff nurses and doctors do.
“All right,” began nurse Redheart, “looks like everything’s fine Miss Rarity. All we need is a blood sample to check for any viruses present in your bloodstream and you should be good to go.”
“Oh, thank you so much Nurse Redheart!” thanked Rarity with a relieved sigh. “Well,” she thought, “maybe it was just something I ate this morning.”
After what seemed like ages (but was only an hour and a half), Nurse Redheart appeared beaming at Rarity. “Well, I’ve got good news and even better news! Which would you like to hear first?” she asked the dress maker.
“Umm, the good news?” Rarity half asked, half said, slightly confused.
“Well, the good news is you’re not sick nor have any signs of any illness.”
“And the better news?”
Nurse Redheart couldn’t stop herself from giving Rarity the biggest smile her mouth would allow as she said to her, “Congratulations! You’re going to be a mother in about 10 months!”
Rarity’s eyes became as wide as physically possible, her sapphire irises becoming so small one would think they didn’t even exist, and her jaw became somewhat slack. “I...I’m..I, uh...WHAT!?!?!” shrieked the shocked and confused unicorn before blacking out.
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Too litttle to form an opinion on this yet, but I'll do it anyways
NEEDS MOAR CHAPTERS
BUT WHICH CUTIE MARK CRUSADER IS THE FATHER
Ugh..... UPDATES.... The story needs them ;) I hate cliffhangers!
But which dress is the daddy?!
5 bits its SPIKE
140971>>140979
Considering that Rarity loves herself more than anything on the planet, I would have to say that the daddy is a rule 63 Rarity
140971 the real question is, BUT WHO WAS PHONE???
oh wait, this didnt involve phones at all.
-flees awkward situation-
More chapters please
Hmmmm, so far it's off to a good start
All I'll right now is keep writing, you've got my interest
141005
Elusive from On a Cross and Arrow?
My interest is piqued. Please, continue.
Now to find my monocle...
Fancypants, you dog!
Rule 7. Called it.
Good so far. Can't wait to see what happens next. Definitely tracking this one.
Seems to move a bit too quickly IMO. Then again, I never really liked Rarity, so I may be biased.
141033 agreed
Your prose structure is dandy, I only have minor style and flow suggestions:
Rather than narrating that something happened "suddenly", have a character or characters react to the surprising event.
Keep related character reaction in one sentence. i.e. Rarity's reaction to seeing the knock on the door was the other two CMC fillies; "Rarity started to say then trailing off. She noticed it was Sweetie Belle’s friends..." could be "Rarity started but trailed off when she saw it was Sweetie Belle’s friends..."
Key events should be introduced at the start of a paragraph. This helps folks skimming your story find the important stuff, and it helps people fully reading your story keep up with your story's focus. i.e. Rarity's becoming ill happened mid-paragraph and it's a nexus for your story. Deserves the attention of being a lead sentence.
I'm interested in seeing how this story unfolds. Trackin'!
Interesting.
Yep, more chapters. For a "first story ever" this is very promising.
-One minor thing I noticed was the way you switch between past and present tense. It might be better to keep the past tense for the whole story, as it is a narrative and not the telling of an anecdote.
-"said Rarity, a white unicorn with a deep blue mane and tail and sapphire eyes"
I'm not a fan of descriptions, so it might just be a personal preference, but I would say everyone here knows what Rarity looks like, and those who don't just need to know for now that she's a white unicorn pony. Other details may be casually thrown in later. Again, that's just what I feel.
-I'm not sure there really is such a thing as a "childish voice". I'd rather say something like " “Coming sis!” responded the even sweeter voice of a young foal"
One typo - the plural of 'iris' is 'irises'.
An interesting start to the story, which I think I shall follow!
BUT WHO IS THE FATHER
10 bucks says it's Fancypants.
The only real issue I see right now is the color of Rarity's mane, it's purple...not blue.
That reaction is so expected and so cliche. And yet, it never seems to get old.
Watch your tenses.
Also, pretty sure Rarity's mane and tail are purple.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Must... not... track.... Already... have... enough... of... these... stories... tracked.... *tracks* Pinkie... *Mind* (FUCK ME!) This is the ONLY time you can cupcake me...
*several minutes later*
Pinkie: Okay!
Me: *appears out of thin air* ... *looks at self's remains and looks at the cupcake Pinkie is holding* Oh god... *throws up all over pinkie*
Pinkie: *Eats cupcake*
Me: *vomits all over the room* Why the fuck did you do that?!
Pinkie: So what if I ate you?
Me: Not only that, the sweet me had VOMIT all over it! I'm going to the sun now. *rockets off into the sun*
May your true self be revealed~
~ Fearanger, Master Shape-Shifter of Canterlot
140971
CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SPRINGER GUESTS YAY!
Hmm, okay, but the wording of stuff is bothering me. It's a consistent problem present throughout the chapter, as is redundancy. For example "she ran into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet" is really unnecessary and bland (not to mention puking in the toilet is obvious, so don't mention it unless something other than that happens, like she doesn't make it). If you want to be descriptive, something like "She stumbled into the bathroom, barely reaching the toilet in time before she was overcome with a violent retching." is much better.
Well, deciding to read this story instead of going off to do things I probably should be doing turned out to be a good decision.
“Ohhh who could that be?” whined Rarity in a slightly agitated voice. “I hope it’s not more customers coming to place an order, I already have enough on my plate...” she mumbled as Rarity walked to the door. Putting on a bright, smiling face she opens it with her magic and starts to say “Welcome to the Carousel Bouti…”, Rarity started to say then trailing off. She noticed it was Sweetie Belle’s friends Scootaloo and Apple Bloom.
Now, I do have a few minor problems with it, and this paragraph holds most of them. After her second bout of dialog, the description of her actions and speech feels awfully awkward. if you really want 'she' and 'Rarity' in the same segment, you should really swap their positions. Or, you could make that an entirely new sentence, and word it like this "Mumbling, Rarity/she walked towards the door.", but that's your decision.
Next is the sentence directly after that. Firstly, you switch into present tense there, just letting you know. Secondly, similar to the above paragraph, the descriptions of her speech and actions are off. Before the dialog you wrote 'and starts to say' then after it you say 'Rarity started to say'. That comes off as redundant. You could avoid that whole problem by joining that segment and the sentence after it, kind of like: she trailed off when she noticed it was Sweetie Belle's friends
Those are just my opinions though, ignore them if you like. Good story so far, and I am now off to read the rest!
Oooooo.Dis gon b' good.
Good start.
But just a nit pick, horses/pony pregnantcy last 11 months not 9, unless Rarity got knocked up two months ago.
(note: I didn't real the rest yet so sorry if you knew that already)
You need to fix something
The nurse smiled at Rarity and replied, “of course dear, just take a seat and I’ll come get you when a room is open”.
O on of needs capital,pls fix!
Nice start! I especially like her reaction.