• Member Since 2nd Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 26th, 2017

Pick-Six


Subtle as a brick, and twice as entertaining.

T

This story is set one year after the failed invasion of the changeling army.

A royal guard must put duty and country above all else, even if it means personal sacrifice. For one such guard, that sacrifice turns out to be her freedom, her honor, and possibly her life.

Still, there are those who wish to speak with her, to try and understand why she did what she did.

********
Edited by the awesome Featherprop
Rated Teen for language and violence

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 15 )

YES! FIRST!

Anyways. I rather liked it, and you clearly put some effort into the *mystery* shenangian thingy, for it took me nearly thirty seconds to come up with the (probably) correct solution. At least, I believe it had to do with changelings. And the colt.

A few little spelling errors here and there, and the emphasis might have been better placed on "job" in the last sentence, but otherwise, thoroughly enjoyable.

A question, though. Did you, or did you not intend for the female royal guard prisoner to almost exactly mirror Miller from Leviathan Wakes (Well, before chapter 24 at least)? If so, damn good job. If not, nvmd.

And by "rather liked it," I of course mean that this is, quite literally, my fifth favourite story on here.

1906130

Sup dude, and thanks for the comment!

I'm gonna look through it again soon to find the spelling errors. I hate it when I miss those. The emphasis in that last sentence was more or less to highlight her frustration and guilt. rather than having her yell and scream and say " I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO!" I was hoping to downplay it to a more personal feeling of betrayal. I probably failed in that, hahaha.

I'm still very much considering the paths that I can take with this story. When the idea first popped into my head, the ending and major plot points were more or less set in stone. I have some ideas that I want to explore, though.

as for "Leviathan Wakes"... I will be perfectly honest with you, I have no idea what that is. Is it a novel? I'll have to check it out.

Thanks for the compliments, man! I'll do my damndest not to screw this up! Cheers.

Dark, full of action. Very tense, I like the use of a narrated flashback, though I'm not sure it should be in italics- usually that signifies internal dialouge. Since she's speaking to the Doctor, I would suggest normal text, and quotations around each paragraph as well as going to left alignment, rather than centered. Actually, that whole section seems to waver between first- and third-person narration; if she were describing the events, I would have expected some of the quotes to be condensed to "He took the right and I took the left."

Like your other stories, darker than the usual Equestria I look for, but there is a consistency to the changes you make to the world that is easy to understand and read within, if that makes sense; what I mean is, I can tell that you are envisioning a less warm-and-fuzzy world, closer to our own but so far not dystopian. I like some of the small details you put in- they make the world feel more authentic and add depth to the story.

I do see a few grammar/punctuation/spellng errors. Second paragraph, last sentence, I'd recommend "this wasn't a normal case." Third paragraph, there's a space before the ending parentheses. Where the guard shouts at the prisoner, there is a space between monster and the comma. In the prisoner's statement, first full paragraph, I would recommend cutting the comma in the middle of the sentence beginning "They were taking changelings in...,"

I didn't notice any other ones. I'm moving on to the second chapter. This is chilling but compelling!

1943862 Hey man, thank you for the critique! I think it's great when folks point this stuff out to me, can't see it otherwise. :eeyup:

The grammatical errors that you pointed out have been fixed, thanks for pointing them out. for some reason, my brain like to put a space in between brackets and any ensuing characters, so they wind up looking like [this] , instead of [this].

The reason that I have the prisoner's recounting centred and with italics is that it's less a description to the doctor of the events,from a narrative standpoint. It's more a flashback that she has as she is describing the events. I wanted to reflect the switch between 1st person and 3rd person narration, and I thought that would be the best way to do it. Truth be told, I don't like the Italics either, though, and you bringing them up confirms that they're a bad Idea. I think I'll just go with bold.

Thanks again for your critique man. I try not to make it too dark, as I find dystopic environments to be largely boring. There are some well done ones to be sure, but constant doom and gloom, in my opinion, is just as predictable as constant sunshine and lollipops. Glad that you liked it! :moustache:

Damn, I love this story. I mean, I liked it before, but after going back and reading Ch 2, I HAD to go back and read CH 1... and then this again.

I absolutely love your characters, how they act, think, speak... the dialogue is so smooth and full of meaning. It feels like you've done years of work refining them. The doctor is so well-rounded... I need to take notes!

Heck, I love this whole story, even more on this read-through. I cannot fathom yet what's going to happen, but I'm worried. And I cannot wait to read more.

Man, I'm really tired, but i wanted to post this, because I really, really loved the backstory here. there really is a feeling of deep friendship and respect between them.

I think I have some stuff for critique, but i'm just too freakin tired to type it up. this is a damn engrossing read, though!

Haha! I'm here, I downloaded the story on my iPod and wrote my critique on a sheet of paper if that gives you a hint on what kind of setup I've got goin on here, so lets get down to business.

Your opening was spot on, when the guards brought the prisoner in I could feel the tension in the air to the point that I imagined someone awkwardly coughing in the background.
I have to say I really enjoyed this story, one of the many things that stuck out to me was effeciency, not a single word went to waste, and you quickly used everything to your advantage

After relieving the guards of their post in the interrogation room, Dr. Quill sat back down in his seat opposite Leilani. His patient's eyebrow raised as she gave a small sniff in the doctor's direction.

“You a smoker, Doc?”

Quill winced at her question, cursing under his breath. He knew that most ponies didn't care for the smell of smoke, and had made it a point at his practice to never smoke before or during a session.

“Yes, I smoke every now and again. I apologize for the odor.”

Leilani snickered at this, happy to forget her current situation, if only for a moment. “No need to apologize, Doc. I find it comforting. My Dad was a smoker.”

The doctor saw this as an opportunity to get his patient comfortable around him. “Mine was too. I used to sneak cigarettes out of his packs from time to time when I was a colt.”

Leilani's snicker turned into a full blown laugh. “ You?! Doc, no offense, but I can't see you staying out past curfew, let alone stealing your Dad's smokes.”

This little conversation right after his quick break was so poignant to me, not only does it speak volumes on the Doctor's character, but it also gives insight into Leliani's ability of observation and just a smidge of her past.
That brings me to my next high point: The interactions between Doctor Quill and Leliani. They are very fleshed out and the characters feel alive, they have a real, living, breathing quality. I had no problem thinking of them as sitting right next to me and that is an all time must for me to want to read a story, especially a fanfic. I'm always nervous taking a leap of faith and reading an unproven author because if I start something I have to finish it, and I'm going to have no problem wanting to read more of this story.
you've got yourself a fan, can't wait to see what's coming up next.

As a suggestion certain things kinda piqued my interest and I would be interested in seeing brought more to light is the joint equestrian-gryphon military ops. Are the griffon's a soveign nation, or are they just another race in equestria? Why is it necessary to bring in griffons, and what do they offer in terms of combat? How do they operate, are their mixed unit forces or do they just kinda hang out?
Just some things to think about.

2192242 Heya Sketch, thanks for the great review!

I'm glad that you are enjoying the story so far, and that you like the rapport between 'Lani and Quill. The story is very much centric to them, so their relationship has to work in order for this story to. There are times when I feel that I write them a little flat, or something doesn't make sense, and then my editor gives me a proverbial kick in the ass and points out how to make it better. He's as much to thank for the flow as I am, hahaha!

The smoking scene was something that I was worried about at first, because I wanted to have something other than the case that Leilani and Quill could talk about in order to connect, but I didn't want to make it obvious. Most of the time when I've read a fiction where a character smokes, it's usually just point out what a badass they are. I wanted to avoid that at all costs, so I'm glad that it came off as natural and flowing.

You actually bring up a really good point in regard to the gryphons. I hadn't actually given it much thought. Damn. I will find a way to work some more of their background into the story. Thank you for pointing that out! :twilightblush:

I'm really happy that you've enjoyed the story so far. I'll do my best not to screw it up!

Cheers! :moustache:

Okay, I'll admit, you've got me interested.

The opening chapter set the tone very well, and hooks the reader in pretty effectively. I'm honestly curious as the what Lani's motivations were in killing the colt, and what her ultimate fate will be. The conspiratorial elements of the changeling being whisked away from prison and Lani's abuse after the killing thicken the plot nicely without being overwrought.

From a technical standpoint, your writing is excellent. Your descriptions are evocative, you strike a nice balance between showing vs telling, and the only grammar mistake I could find was more of a typo (One of the lines of dialogue in the third chapter is missing a quotation mark).

Thus far, the only suggestion I would make is that the second chapter feels a bit aimless. Seeing how short it is, you could probably chop it in half and merge it into the first and third chapters, since as it stands, it feels more like filler linking the two together.

Other than that, though, I look forward to seeing where you take this story. Liked and favorited!

2192926 Hey Maphysto, thank you for the review!

I'm really glad that you like it thus far. It's good to hear that the elements of plot-thickening that I'm using aren't too contrived. One thing that I sort of want to elaborate on is that while the stallion that 'Lani killed was young, he wasn't a foal. I'm just worried that readers might think that Leilani's a colt-killer, which isn't the case.

Thank you for letting me know that I missed some punctcation, though I looked over chapter three twice, and wasn't able to find the quotation mark that you mentioned. Could you point it out for me when you get the chance?

As for chapter two, that was originally merged with chapter one when I first wrote it, and I decided to split it because at the time I was trying to avoid chapters that were over three thousand words in length. Since I pretty much screwed the pooch for that in chapter three, I'll definetely consider splitting it between the other two chapters. It does indeed read a bit like filler.

Thank you for the like and the interest in continuing. I'll do the best I can.

Cheers! :moustache:

I'm intrigued! I eagerly await more! =D

2393927 Heya! I'm glad that you're enjoying it so far. I am currently working on chapter three, though it's being a pain in my ass at the moment. Keep an eye out, though.


Cheers!

Hey man what's up! I wanted to let you know that I've read the first two chapters and so far I'm really enjoying this story so far. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I have accepted it into Twilight's Library under the groups "Adventure" and "Changelings". :twilightsmile:

So far it is looking good. One helpful hint I have for you, however, is to be careful with point of view shifts in your story. There are points where it changes from one character's point of view to another's and back to the first character's point of view, etc. This can be jarring for the reader, so in future chapters, if possible, try to focus on telling the story from the point of view of one character, except with the flashbacks, in which case changing from the doctor's point of view in present time to Leilani's in the past is fine. During the interview, however, it should probably stay on the doctors', and during the flashback it should stay on Leilani's.

Otherwise this story is looking good. I hope you update it soon and am looking forward to seeing what direction you take it in. :pinkiehappy:

- nygiants93, Fan of ponies, football, and Christopher Nolan

2598009 Hey dude, thanks!


I shall go back through to see where I screwed the pooch on the viewpoints. It's a terrible habit of mine to shift perspective when I really shouldn't. Thanks for letting me know.

As for an update, I'm workin' on it, it's just being a little bitch right now. stupid brain.

Thanks again for your compliments and criticisms. cheers!

Can't wait to see more of this.

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