• Member Since 14th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 14th, 2013

DeadSpaceLuna


Comments ( 42 )

My interest has been piqued.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEET'S Read!

She;s on either on the Pillar of Autumn a CCS ship or 04

so she tellyports to the ring and ends up by Chief's crash landing? awesome

Ok, I like how it's starting, but it really needs some editing work.

halo related? of course Favorited though you should probably get an editor

Okay everypony, I'm getting an editor, but Um. . Two dislikes already! My life ruined!! :raritycry:

Not a bad start. I look forward to more. If it were me, I'd put her on the covenant ship.

Two pieces of advice; first, when switching between scenes or perspectives use a divider of some sort, like this.
--- --- --- --- --- --- ---
or this,
****************
It'll prevent confusion. Second, get an editor. My grammar isn't really any better than yours, but my editors make everything much better. There's plenty of people who will do it for free if you just ask. I can post a request for you with my next update if you want.

I could proof read, if you want.
Send me a PM if interested.:twilightsmile:

You know, I may be your editor for your Fallout fic, but I'm pretty sure (At least I hope) that I'm you're friend. You can send these over to me if you like. I noticed a few errors, that would annoy some people, but nothing a normal person would flip out over.

either at the side of the Master Chief or in a covenant ship

MnM

Heh heh, stole my fic name.

-Liam

1907782 Sorry!! I didn't know that!:applejackconfused: That was just the best I could come up with at the moment.
1907598 Of course your my friend!:pinkiehappy:
1907581 That would be great.:twilightsmile: The more proof readers and editors I have, the better the chapters will look.

HALO 4 SPARTAN OPS TELEPORT THING? (won't say more for spoilers)

It looks interesting. I look forward to see the next part. This story also reminds me Halo: On the Wings of Angels from Gyvon.

please continue this story!:applecry:

1910417 He specifically said that it was inspired by his fic.

A decent start, but Some editing will do you a world of good and earn you many more thumbs up

a sample of such:

1st paragraph:

The orbital 'super' MAC guns were overran -> were overrun

and was retreating -> were retreating

ORIGINAL:

The Master Chief saw the covenant fleet gathered around planet Reach. They swarmed and circled like sharks. The first of their plasma bombardment launched towards the surface. Clouds in the fire paths boiled away. John had seen the same process repeated on several other different campaigns. Once the covenant finished clearing out all opposition, they would move into orbit and begin glassing the world. This time was different though. This time, they were glassing a world with his men still down there. He tried to think of ways to go save his men on the ground but he came up with nothing. Captain Keyes was right, there was nothing he could do.

possible edited rewrite:

The Master Chief saw the covenant fleet circling like sharks around the bleeding husk of the planet. Clouds boiled away as the first of many plasma bombardments were launched towards the surface. It was sickiningly familiar to John, who had seen the same process on previous campaigns. Once the covenant finished clearing out resistance, they would move into orbit and begin glassing the world. Despite the familiarity, this time was different, this time they were glassing a world with his men still down there and there was nothing he could about it.

Dialog block:

ORIGINAL
'Am I the last spartan left?'He thought. The captain then strolled to his side and stood by him. -> strolled is an odd word choice for someone commanding a ship in a desperate attempt to escape a doomed battle.

EDITED
'Am I the last spartan left?' He thought. The captain approached him and interrupted this chain of thought.

ORIGINAL

"Doctor Halsey mission. "He said. " Is now more important than ever now. It may be the only chance left for Earth now. We have to focus on that goal." While the chief would rather stay behind and die alongside his men, he knew the captain was right. He had to put his feelings aside and focus on the mission. - >

EDITED

"Doctor Halsey's mission," he said, "Is now more important than ever. It may be the only chance Earth has, we have to focus on that." While the chief would rather finish this fight alongside his men, he knew that the captain was right. Putting his feelings aside he watched as Keyes turned away from him and began to bark orders at the bridge crew.

ORIGINAL
" Ensign Lovell! " Keyes barked. " Give us our best acceleration, I want to enter slipspace as soon as possible!" Cortana, the Pillar of Autumn's temporary A.I then spoke up. ->

EDITED
" Ensign Lovell! If you haven't done so already, give us every scrap of acceleration we have, I want to enter slipspace as soon as possible!" Coming directly on the heels of this order Cortana, the Pillar of Autumn's temporary A.I spoke up.

ORIGINAL
" Excuse me captain, six covenant ships are inbound on a intercept course."
" Continue evasive maneuvers! Prepare the slipspace generators and give me an approximate randomized exit vector!" He yelled.
" Aye sir." Said Cortana, navigation symbols flashed along the length of her holographic body. The Master chief continued to watch the covenant ships close in on them.

EDITED

" Excuse me captain, six covenant ships are inbound on a intercept course."
" Continue evasive maneuvers! Prepare the slipspace generators and give me a randomized exit vector!" He yelled.
" Aye sir." Said Cortana, navigation symbols flashing along the length of her holographic body. The Master chief continued to watch as covenant ships closed in on them.

ORIGINAL
" Generating randomized exit vector per the Cole protocol." Cortana said. The Chief glanced at her translucent body, she looked vaguely like a younger doctor Halsey. Tiny ones and zeros slide over her torso, arms and legs. Her thoughts were literally worn on her sleeve.
" Something on your mind Master Chief?" She asked.
" Those symbols, I thought I've seen them somewhere before." He said. " It's nothing." Cortana got a far off look in her eyes. The mark cycling on her hologram shifted and rearranged.
" Jump to slipspace Ensign Lovell!" Ordered captain Keyes. "Get us the hell outta here!" John remembered Chief Mendez words. That they have to live to fight another day. He was alive and their was plenty of fight left in him and he would win this war. No matter what it took.

EDITED

"Generating randomized exit vector per the Cole protocol," Cortana said. The Chief glanced at her translucent body, which looked vaguely like a younger doctor Halsey. Tiny ones and zeros slid over her torso, arms and legs, Her thoughts literally worn on her sleeve.
" Something on your mind Master Chief?" She asked.
" Those symbols, I thought I've seen them somewhere before," He said. " It's nothing." Cortana got a far off look in her eyes. The mark cycling on her hologram shifted and rearranged.
" Jump to slipspace Ensign Lovell!" Ordered captain Keyes. "Get us the hell outta here!" John remembered Chief Mendez's words. That they have to live to fight another day. He was alive and there was plenty of fight left in him, he would win this war. No matter what it took.

Twilight 1st paragraph:

ORIGINAL:

" Twilight!" Yelled Spike. " Twilight where are you?!" Spike stopped to catch his breath. Twilight and her had been invited to an excavation site to study ancient ruins in Zebrica. Actually it was Twilight that was invited, she was just simply allowed to bring her friends along. Princess Celestia not only approved but even payed for all the expenses. It took about a week before they arrived. What the Zebras had found shocked not only Equestria but the entire world.

EDITED

" Twilight!" Yelled Spike. " Twilight where are you?!" He stopped to catch his breath. Twilight and Spike had been invited to an excavation site to study ancient ruins in Zebrica. Actually it was Twilight that had been invited, but nobody said she couldn't bring her friends along. It didn't hurt that Princess Celestia was hoofing the bill for all the expenses. It had taken them a week to arrive, but that didn't matter. What the Zebras had found shocked the entire world.

2nd paragraph:

ORIGINAL

Stretching several kilometers was a large ancient super structure which was believed to have been made by aliens. From the air, it looked like some half buried metal foretress. But according to Twilight and several other archaeologists, the structure was made from a material not located on their planet.

EDITED

Stretching several kilometers was an ancient super structure, the construction beyond the capabilities of any known current or past civilization. From the air it resembled a metal fortress, half buried in the sand. According to Twilight and several other archaeologists, the structure was made from an unknown alloy, composed of material that did not appear to be native to the planet.

3rd

ORIGINAL:

Many of planets races had sent their best and brightest to study the alien ruins. Many had been sent for different reasons, such as the griffins who wanted to find a some form of weapons to advance their military. The ponies of Equestria and the Crystal empire worked to uncover the origins and nature of the alien race that could have built the structure and learn from what they left behind. The Zebras believed whoever had built the structure were gods and were responsible for all life on the planet.

EDITED:

Many of planet's races had sent their best and brightest to study the ruins. The griffins were interested in the possible military applications of the find, while Equestria and the Crystal Empire were focusing on uncovering the origins and nature of the relic and the race built it. The Zebras believed whoever had built the structure were responsible for all life on the planet and thus akin to gods.


Thats all the editing I have in me at the moment, but it should give you some idea of what to work on: pay attention to tense, avoid using unnecessary adjectives, watch out for repeating words or sentences that are saying the same thing as previous sentences, occasionally break up dialog with a descriptive sentence so you don't have to many "he said, she said, he said", use possessive apostrophes ', etc.

A trick that I sometimes use, if you don't have an editor on hand, is to read the story out loud to yourself - reading it silently your brain will fill in what you meant to say, but not nessarily what you wrote, while reading it out loud forces you to see where your writing got ahead of your thinking - at least it does for me.

1912709 The prologue has been edited. Thanks for the assist. Also, I do have an editor and a proof reader this time. The next chapters will be edited before their published. Thanks!:twilightsmile:

So... let me get straight...
The Zebras have been found a forerunner estructure, and Twilight along with groups of archaeologists of diferents species are sent to study it, Twilight being a curious pony (the curiosity teleported the pony :3) had found a forerunner starmap and in the same time she discover Installation 04 (Halo CE take place there) but pressing her hoof on the instalation's hologram she just... teleported into the halo(instalation 04)...

I hope that Twilight don't end up dead, no one in Halo 1 survived the covenant, flood and the explotion, only Master Chief and Sgt.Jhonson (with a little group of marines in a pelican) escaped, also, how she gonna escape from the human-covenant war?

Twilight Sparkle: Oh, Hi! My name is Twilight Sparkle and my planet is right in the other side of the galaxy, can you take me there, please? :twilightsmile:
UNSC: we can't, we have a war to win for our survival but we can if we win this war or somehow the covenant discover the truth about the halos and start a civil war! ...so, yeah why not? :)
Covenant Separatist: maybe...
Covenant Loyalist: No, and if you join them(UNSC/Separatists), we glass(destroy) your planet! >:(
Twilight: oh hay... :twilightoops:

1927534 well, of course she ends up helping master chief. After finding out what halo dose, wouldn't you want to help stop it? Also, at the moment, she doesn't know what halo is.

Comment posted by Oni deleted Jan 12th, 2013

Nicely done sir,

few things I missed that I just noticed reading it again:

Tapping it softly it -> remove first it in this sentence.

was some handle -> was some kind of handle OR was a handle

weapons quickly swept in her direction She quickly -> remove first or second quickly in this sentence.

declared it want -> declared it wants

Keep up the good work - Really looking forward to the next chapter. :twilightsmile:

Oni

not to sound like a fanboy but.... okay, i'm a fanboy. CE was my favorite of the series and i am fucking LOVING this.

should've called it Equus, but the looks on some faces are priceless when she said she was from Earth

This chapter was brilliant and it seems as though you've got everyone characterized perfectly so far. I'm glad that you're also doing a different take on it, nice to see it where one of the mane 6 is the stranger to the rest of the cast.

I thought of calling thr ponies world Earth too, but decided against it. By the way, is pvt Jetson's first name George?

This is shaping up pretty good. I like how she was transported to the Autumn before the fire-fights began. I was expecting her to meet the Chief (or a marine) by having him save her from the Covenant

Well, I've read both chapters several times, and I have to say I like this story! It feels perfect, considering I got "Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary" for Christmas this year.

When you said she wasn't on Halo yet, I figured Twilight was going to end up on either the Pillar of Autumn or the Truth and Reconciliation, but I'm kind of glad you went with the former. Seems like it makes a little more sense, and everything that followed her discovery was handled nicely.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this story so far, and I can't wait to see more from you! :twilightsmile:

...When's the next? o3o

please continue the story

I wonder if she'll end staying with chief and cortana on halo; it's both the safest and most dangerous place to be:twilightsheepish::twilightoops:

Oooookaaay... well this is awkward, so how should I put it.
Hmmmm... oh right!
Are you INSANE?! :flutterrage:
Don't take this the wrong way, I loved CE and what it had to offer, but when I played it as a kid I was scared shitless (anyone who played it knows why, and when, AND by what).
My point being: you put an innocent unicorn in the HALO universe at the very BEGINNING of the franchise, which will probably leave SERIOUS mental scarring, and not just her, but human AND covenant as well.
I really hope you know what you're doing...:fluttercry:
Putting that aside, it's all good. So...:moustache:

who would have thought, two planets with the same name and both of them having forrunner technology, also if you ever get around to it i have a suggestion, one i make to all fics like this with twilight sparkle, want it need it grenade

when will the next chapter come out?

I say she appeared at the exact time and location of the randomized slipspace jump, either in a secondary hangar or the main bridge. If not that, then a similar structure, found on earth, or a unsc ship, reclaimed as a sort of artifact, but not knowing that it works as a simple receiver for the original structure.

Dude. You should have one of the labbies or patrols be a brony, or U GONNA HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO!

2206387 pfftHAHA, yur coating it

More chapters

*AHEM* I would appreciate it if you, logged on and made more chapters. Or I might release the Flood... or halo rings... or landmine grunts...
*Distorted grunting*
*in a calm yet stern voice.* Get back in the basement.
May I ask why I was trapped in the closet, I will have you know that is against protocol!
Get back. In. The. Closet. I can deal with the flood in my basement, but You are testing my patience Lightbulb.

8494875
Radar has picked up helicopter going soi soi soi.
At least you don't have to deal with them on a day to day basis.
*gives look* We heard that
*without turning around*I know and don't give me that look.
*growling noise*
I'll find something for you to do.
*growling noise
Go water the plants.
*growling noise*
No you may not start a forest fire as helpful as that may be.
*growling noise*
Don't you take that tone with me!
*growls and leaves*
*under breathe* Pyromaniacs.
*growling noise*
HEY! Put those down and find some non decorative boulders to break or clear a path for some road workers.
*growling noise*
Yes I know there's no snow. WE'RE IN A DESERT VALLEY and it's the wrong season!
*growling noise
Find some condemned buildings will ya.

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