Broadsword is the captain of Luna's royal guard, but after a battle with Discord he is left with no memory, no cutie mark and wings that can no longer allow him the fly. with his only order to run and never return to Canterlot, who will Broadsword find to help him rebuild his life?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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who is this guy and why should we care about him
#1 thing to remember when writing ocs
and also the #1 thing you forgot
1967292 cool tbh it is my first fic so i didn't know that... at all
1967301
i could tell
also having an oc with your username is considered extremely bad form
not that you have no writing skills
most people would try to balance the bad out by pointing out something good
but i don't bother
1967313 i actually couldn't think of a username so i just used the character and i'll remember this stuff for the future
Great first chapter!
This.I like this. Make more chapters.
2111469 thanks i definatly will make more, i just decided to do a one shot as a change of pace
Take your time. Quality over quantity.
You have a good idea with a wounded soldier trying to recover after a tragedy, but there are problems with the story starting in the first few paragraphs. You have a nice hand drawn cover picture so I'll assume you have a great vision of what this story can be in your mind, but the trouble is always putting it into words. In the second paragraph Luna is speaking to herself in a voice equal to a stadium loudspeaker about how she wishes she had friends like her sister, you even describe how her voice booms throughout the castle; but then someone who we can assume was standing outside the door walks, and asks her what the problem is, because apparently he didn't hear her say exactly what the problem was in a voice louder that could deafen anyone at close range. From there we can see that they know each other well, but evidently not enough to count each other as a friend. Now we get to the biggest issue, Discord. I know that in some stories Discord can be portrayed as criminally insane and a psychopath, but I've never really considered him to be a straight up killer. He's more likely to pull some cruel prank on Luna than he is to kill her, maybe he swaps the sister's colors just to laugh at how they react to the differences in their lives. When Discord corrupts (as we've seen in the show) it makes the target lose their purpose and become the opposite of what they would normally be, I don't think a Royal Guard with a lost purpose would become a remorseless killer, rather I think they would simply put their weapons down and run away. I wont go into the fight scene because I know how difficult they can be to write. Now to the main plot of the story, Broadsword losing his identity. When I first started to read the description I assumed he was a veteran who has suffered some terrible injury in battle, when I read Discord I thought Discord would play a prank on Luna and change her closest friend into someone who didn't even know who she was, but I was thoroughly confused when it was in fact Luna who erases his identity. Now I'm confused by this for several reasons, her motivations and her method chief among them. Firstly, if she cares enough to try to save him why does she not consider him to be a friend? Finally, why would Celestia punish a guard who was not only doing his job, but was also protecting her only sister from an evil spirit? Also, if he would be punished for killing, why he hell does he carry a sword in the first place? Sorry if this is too long winded of a review but I feel like this idea has great potential.
2135682 firstly i appriciate your honest review and i know now that i look at in retrospect what you're saying but as this was my first ever fanfic it was bound to be full of holes and flaws, i do have a plan for the small matter of why but still it's not a great plan.so until i use the plan and fix the start. i'll just be focusing on the rest of the story. i know that it won't be as popular as it could be or as great as the potential story you were expecting.
so i hope that you'll look past the shaky start and enjoy the rest of the flight of fancy.
thank you for your critique.
New chapter!
2136668so what's the verdict on the new chapter?
It's been a while since I checked up on this. I come back, BOOM! New chapter. Can't wait for the next one!
It's been a while since I checked up on this. I come back, BOOM! New chapter. Can't wait for the next one!
2389556
what do you think of the newest chapter?
btw it on hiatus for a moment until i work out how i'm gonna write it
Wow. Simply wonderful!
Loved it.
I have to agree with a lot of what Psycho Kid wrote. The setup is kind of shaky. That said, you have caught my interest.
Show, Don't Tell...