2023671 We don't know that yet ( I do but I shan't spoil the surprise) If you've read the original story by Demon Eyes Laharl, you'll have an idea of what the Duchess was aiming for.
Hey don't you think it will be funny if now, Edward son's turn to be the 3 kind of ponys races? Not only him will be the first human to impregnate mares (because so far he is the only success, and nothing tells me that the other subject couldn't accept the potion or were just failures, besides the Duchess only use the potion is some humans AND even with Discord help is not a safe shot. Chaos or not, every single human body is different and the conditions play a serious rule too, so as far as we know the potion may not worked on others and Edward was only at the right place, at the right moment and with the right conditions.
So if Edward get a foal of the 3 clans, he can in theory become a example of new friendly relationship between Earth and Equestria. Oh and the chapter with certain princess will come soon? I being waiting to know what you are have in mind.
P.S: Is there a chance that mares impregnate by humans produce a human foal, with some ability? Because it will be cool if were are seing the beginning of the wizards and mages era, the winged humans and…well lets said a very strong race of humans. Granted we may also being seeing the begging of the centaur race but that is equally awesome.
I've tried to hold my tongue as long as possible but this chapter is my breaking point. Quite literally in the figurative sense. In fact, I'm wearing a neck brace because of the painful whiplash that the pacing of your writing is causing. Slow down. Get an editor. Take the time to set a mood for the reader rather than just putting all of your eggs into expositional narrative and dialogue. Not only is that an unwise investment portfolio but it locks the story into an uncomfortable cruise control. Did I mention that you've got to slow down?
Provide visual clues for scene changes
A simple - or similar kind of indication for a "break" between scenes would be marvelous to have, since I keep having to guess where and when I am every third or fourth line because your use of transitions is sparse or non-existent.
You've got an over-arching plot that you're obviously driving toward but at the cost of me gaining any sympathy or connection to Edmund or your take of Milky/Octavia/Lightning Dust. In fact, to be brutally honest, the romance aspect has been feeling stale because I've got no real idea of who your characters are. I've gotten brief glimpses of what you told me but I simply don't feel it. And that's a result of your rocket-powered narrative that leaves everything but vague outlines and trails of thoughts behind in its wake.
Vary the lengths of your sentences.
When there's lots of action, be it a fight, rough angry sex, or a moment of complete craziness, sentences can and oftentimes should be shorter; more concise.
For more drawn out moments that are contemplative or romantic or suspenseful, use longer, descriptive sentences. Think of sentences like the number of frames it takes to capture a scene in a film: slow motion requires a longer stretch of time to depict a scene whereas a high-speed action sequence occurs in less frames.
Readers read the words not the writer's mind
As a reader I don't have a clue what you imagined happening in a scene or a chapter. I can only parse from what you've written and create an image in my mind of what's occurred. The problem that's happened throughout every single chapter you've written is that your ability to convey what you imagined has been sporadic at best. There are points you're able to show character motivations through their actions, such as Ed comforting Milky during the storm or when Michael was first introduced. Then there's times where just dialogue happens and it feels dry as said dialogue overpowers the scene: Characters will talk but there's no consideration to their orientation to one another or any fluid reactions as the scene progresses. Case in point,
Sadly, the eve of my departure arrived and we were just about to go to bed when Milky spoke up.
'Ed, can we, um do something special tonight?' she asked, her face beetroot
'Sure, what did you have in mind?' I asked
'I know you humans always prefer to wear clothes, but just for tonight, could you sleep naked?'
I considered for a moment.
'Why not, I don't mind, you're always naked after all.'
She beamed at my answer, and let out a restrained squeal of delight when I took off my pants, revealing my member to her eyes.
They're just standing there in the bedroom, looking at each other with the bed nearby, then Ed took off his pants. And she was happy about it.
No focus on Milky's gestures (an endearing tic such as her tail waving back and forth or her hoof toying with a curl of her blue mane or a nervous smile) to provide both Ed and the reader some insightful clue to Milky's position on their current relationship. In turn a much more fleshed out bit of narrative about his contemplating what her motivations for asking her question are would ground readers to Ed's thought process and his ideas about the current relationship. It would be a lot more interesting to be brought along his ponderings about whether Milky's request is based on any sexual intention or a moment of naivety or simple curiosity as a result of the differences in human and pony culture about nudity rather than just having him say, "Why not..." The same is true for every instance when Ed offers an almost curt reply (in respect to my the reader's gleaning of what's going on) without his considering the moment first. Of course, do try to avoid turning those points into soliloquy if you choose to lengthen them.
All in all, my points boil down to this: the enjoyment in any sort of story is in the journey, not the destination. What you've provided thus far is simply a skeletal frame of where you'd like to go. Now, rather than saying, "I'll fix it for next chapter" or "next chapter will be better" you should look back to the chapters you've written already and edit them. Unlike a published physical book, pony fics on this site can and should be fixed of errors and improved upon whenever possible. If you're going to be lazy about it say so, don't try to make an excuse that you can't. An edit doesn't have to involve doing a chapter all at once, you can tackle it slowly in piecemeal as you continue to write the next chapter. You should otherwise get an editor. Not a proofreader or a prereader but an editor. Someone who's knowledgeable and competent in syntax, metaphor/simile use, story flow.
What I am suggesting is more than just a simple fix of grammar. This is a matter of your writing style. You do not need to change the voice of your writing entirely, but as a reader I would very much appreciate that the ride wasn't as bumpy as it has been thus far.
Most importantly, keep writing and striving to improve.
2040352 These are all very good points, and I thank you both for taking the time to write them and for putting up with me. I will be looking to find an editor who is willing to read such material as this before I post another chapter. I have written very little of the next chapter because I have been re-reading what I've written so far and looking for ways to improve it. One think I've been trying to avoid is telling, people what is happening as opposed to letting them figure it out from context, but it seems I have been too sparse in my description.
Although there are some problems with your story ( I won't mention them, as I'd be repeating what Typewriterpony already said ), I seriously can't wait for the next chapter
work of art
2023417
Wow, thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying it.
So....how do the pony/human hybrids look like or are they just simple ponies?
2023671
We don't know that yet ( I do but I shan't spoil the surprise) If you've read the original story by Demon Eyes Laharl, you'll have an idea of what the Duchess was aiming for.
2023696
So pure normal ponies?
Hmm..i actually hoped for some pony/human hybrid, like anthro-ponies.
Anyway, i'm waiting for the next chapter.
Hey don't you think it will be funny if now, Edward son's turn to be the 3 kind of ponys races? Not only him will be the first human to impregnate mares (because so far he is the only success, and nothing tells me that the other subject couldn't accept the potion or were just failures, besides the Duchess only use the potion is some humans AND even with Discord help is not a safe shot. Chaos or not, every single human body is different and the conditions play a serious rule too, so as far as we know the potion may not worked on others and Edward was only at the right place, at the right moment and with the right conditions.
So if Edward get a foal of the 3 clans, he can in theory become a example of new friendly relationship between Earth and Equestria. Oh and the chapter with certain princess will come soon? I being waiting to know what you are have in mind.
P.S: Is there a chance that mares impregnate by humans produce a human foal, with some ability? Because it will be cool if were are seing the beginning of the wizards and mages era, the winged humans and…well lets said a very strong race of humans. Granted we may also being seeing the begging of the centaur race but that is equally awesome.
2027096
Damn straight! When I kill someone, they stay dead!
I like it
I've tried to hold my tongue as long as possible but this chapter is my breaking point. Quite literally in the figurative sense. In fact, I'm wearing a neck brace because of the painful whiplash that the pacing of your writing is causing. Slow down. Get an editor. Take the time to set a mood for the reader rather than just putting all of your eggs into expositional narrative and dialogue. Not only is that an unwise investment portfolio but it locks the story into an uncomfortable cruise control. Did I mention that you've got to slow down?
Provide visual clues for scene changes
A simple - or similar kind of indication for a "break" between scenes would be marvelous to have, since I keep having to guess where and when I am every third or fourth line because your use of transitions is sparse or non-existent.
You've got an over-arching plot that you're obviously driving toward but at the cost of me gaining any sympathy or connection to Edmund or your take of Milky/Octavia/Lightning Dust. In fact, to be brutally honest, the romance aspect has been feeling stale because I've got no real idea of who your characters are. I've gotten brief glimpses of what you told me but I simply don't feel it. And that's a result of your rocket-powered narrative that leaves everything but vague outlines and trails of thoughts behind in its wake.
Vary the lengths of your sentences.
When there's lots of action, be it a fight, rough angry sex, or a moment of complete craziness, sentences can and oftentimes should be shorter; more concise.
For more drawn out moments that are contemplative or romantic or suspenseful, use longer, descriptive sentences. Think of sentences like the number of frames it takes to capture a scene in a film: slow motion requires a longer stretch of time to depict a scene whereas a high-speed action sequence occurs in less frames.
Readers read the words not the writer's mind
As a reader I don't have a clue what you imagined happening in a scene or a chapter. I can only parse from what you've written and create an image in my mind of what's occurred. The problem that's happened throughout every single chapter you've written is that your ability to convey what you imagined has been sporadic at best. There are points you're able to show character motivations through their actions, such as Ed comforting Milky during the storm or when Michael was first introduced. Then there's times where just dialogue happens and it feels dry as said dialogue overpowers the scene: Characters will talk but there's no consideration to their orientation to one another or any fluid reactions as the scene progresses. Case in point,
They're just standing there in the bedroom, looking at each other with the bed nearby, then Ed took off his pants. And she was happy about it.
No focus on Milky's gestures (an endearing tic such as her tail waving back and forth or her hoof toying with a curl of her blue mane or a nervous smile) to provide both Ed and the reader some insightful clue to Milky's position on their current relationship. In turn a much more fleshed out bit of narrative about his contemplating what her motivations for asking her question are would ground readers to Ed's thought process and his ideas about the current relationship. It would be a lot more interesting to be brought along his ponderings about whether Milky's request is based on any sexual intention or a moment of naivety or simple curiosity as a result of the differences in human and pony culture about nudity rather than just having him say, "Why not..." The same is true for every instance when Ed offers an almost curt reply (in respect to
mythe reader's gleaning of what's going on) without his considering the moment first. Of course, do try to avoid turning those points into soliloquy if you choose to lengthen them.All in all, my points boil down to this: the enjoyment in any sort of story is in the journey, not the destination. What you've provided thus far is simply a skeletal frame of where you'd like to go. Now, rather than saying, "I'll fix it for next chapter" or "next chapter will be better" you should look back to the chapters you've written already and edit them. Unlike a published physical book, pony fics on this site can and should be fixed of errors and improved upon whenever possible. If you're going to be lazy about it say so, don't try to make an excuse that you can't. An edit doesn't have to involve doing a chapter all at once, you can tackle it slowly in piecemeal as you continue to write the next chapter. You should otherwise get an editor. Not a proofreader or a prereader but an editor. Someone who's knowledgeable and competent in syntax, metaphor/simile use, story flow.
What I am suggesting is more than just a simple fix of grammar. This is a matter of your writing style. You do not need to change the voice of your writing entirely, but as a reader I would very much appreciate that the ride wasn't as bumpy as it has been thus far.
Most importantly, keep writing and striving to improve.
2040352
These are all very good points, and I thank you both for taking the time to write them and for putting up with me.
I will be looking to find an editor who is willing to read such material as this before I post another chapter.
I have written very little of the next chapter because I have been re-reading what I've written so far and looking for ways to improve it. One think I've been trying to avoid is telling, people what is happening as opposed to letting them figure it out from context, but it seems I have been too sparse in my description.
Although there are some problems with your story ( I won't mention them, as I'd be repeating what Typewriterpony already said ), I seriously can't wait for the next chapter