When Rebecca Douglas, an Air Force test pilot, goes missing over southern Missouri, and is taken in by a farm girl called Jackie McIntosh, her girlfriend Pinkamena Pie and friends are willing to do anything to save her.
(Ponies as people.)
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Da fuck did I just read
why is rainbow always a lesbian
Okay, I have to say it, it's really bothering me. The Air Force base in that general area of Missouri is Whiteman Air Force Base. It's about 70 miles south-east of Kansas City. it's the only permanent base of the B-2 stealth bombers.
It's quite nice and I look forward to seeing where you take the story.
im calling it, you got the idea from "Mods are away, post humans"
Well written so far. I'm digging it in a majorly unexpected way. Bring on Twilight and Rarity/Emma!
139596
I guess she just ships with everything / everypony / everyone / etc. so well
I would like to see a lot more straight paring stuff with her, myself. Like in this story maybe something with humanized Big Mac.
139659
Well, I did say it was top secret...
139752
It was approved by a moderator, and I wasn't aware of any rule against posting humanised stories...
143222 There isn't.
As for the story:
It has "potential" to do well, but it suffers from some MAJOR problems that need fixing before that will happen.
1. Grammatical errors and paragraph structures are pretty bad. There's a lot of parts where it's difficult to understand what is trying to be explained.
2. A couple parts feel very "rushed", actually the whole story feels "rushed." We are introduced to characters with little description, and effectively we don't really get a chance to watch them develop. There's also a few scenes that don't really make that much sense because of how rushed they are. A good example is the "fight" between Pinkie and Dash. Pinkie says one thing, Dash gets mad, and then Dash puts HERSELF in the dog house. It makes no sense. Pinkie isn't even given a chance to respond, and CLEARLY doesn't show negative feelings about the "fight", yet Dash puts HERSELF in the doghouse and sleeps on the couch. Then she's a rude bitch about it and leaves without saying good bye that morning. The "fight" needs to be extended and reworked so that it makes sense as to why Dash is such a bitch about it after.
3. It's too short. Your chapters barely break 1,000 words. I'd say that if your chapters aren't averaging at least 2.5k words, then they aren't really "chapters". There's plenty of room for development.
4. The biggest problem of all: Nothing happens. The plot is pretty much an episode of any soap opera at this point. You've made it to Chapter 4 and you're only accomplished foreshadowing that something is going to happen to Dash, but you've done that for 3 chapters, and not tried to develop any other part of the story really. Nothing is happening so far, and being 3 chapters in, I'd expect to have at least a little idea as to what's going on.
Not a "Terrible" story, and I'm certainly NOT a fan of humanized pony stories, but I give this one a 2.5/5 and may change it if the story is improved.
An excellent story and premise, but pretty much everything 224788 said holds for me as well. Especially the shortness of the chapters. Those more than anything limit what you can do and show in a given chapter. It's the shortness of the updates that make everything feel rushed, because hardly anything can happen in the given update. I would love to see this continued, but if after 45 weeks, there's been no activity...
Rebecca Douglas--> Rainbow Dash.
I see what you did there.