Chapter 1
Pain.
That was all that ran through his mind. He shook his head. It felt like it had been slowly crushed, reformed, then crushed again. His body felt like it had been put in a trash compactor. He opened what he assumed were his eyes, and looked about.
It seemed to be getting dark out. Plus, he saw trees, and plenty of them, except for the charred ones that looked to be where he apparently crash. He put to his head his... claws!
His hands were dark black with razor sharp claws. Looking down at his body, the rest of his body was revealed to be in a sort of black carapace. This is just getting better by the minute.
He stumbled to his, well... feet, trying to get used to the new body, and it just kept getting weirder from there. He had a spiked tail! Ooh, joy! He might as well call himself something. He laughed at himself. Maybe I should call myself One! He decided to practice moving in his new body.
After about an hour, he finally managed to walk without looking like a drunk alien... alien! He remembered something about aliens; he was some sort of guard... no umm, soldier, maybe? He thought about it as he walked—well, it was more like he crawled, since this 'alien' he was turned into walked on four legs. It did feel like a comfortable position to him, though.
He walked through the forest contemplating his situation. I'm in an alien body in unknown territory. Just great! he continued thinking with himself for about an hour, aimlessly wandering in no particular direction.
That is, until three very loud screams cut through the silence. ”AHHH!
Instinctively, he turned to where the sound had come from. He rushed off into the brush, his movement became more smooth, maybe because of the urgency of the moment. He stopped just short of a clearing. His sight changed from regular to some sort of thermal vision, and with this, he spotted three large heat signatures and three smaller heat signatures. The scream must have came from the smaller ones.
Ya don't say!? he silently screamed at himself.
Slowly, he approached from behind the large ones. He tensed and felt perfect control over himself. When he stepped out from the brush, the three little ones whom he identified instantly as ponies were backed up against a large tree, shaking with fear—no doubt of being eaten, he thought. He was not going to just allow the three poor creatures to be eaten.
As the beast, who looked like a mixture of animals, raised its paw to strike, he acted first, lashing out with his tail at the middle larger creature. To his surprise, it worked, going right through the animal's skin, an instant kill! The two others swung around, shocked at the gore-y mess their companion had become. He felt sorry for the images he probably put in the three smaller creatures' heads.
The creature on his left jumped at him with extreme ease. He flattened himself to the floor. When it passed over, he jumped up with claws stretched out, ripping open the poor creature's stomach. It fell dead, eyes wide with terror. He turned back to the last one, and it growled, charging at him with impressive speed and slamming into him. It roared in his face, and instinct took over. Big mistake. He opened his mouth. What a short and pathetic battle, he thought to himself. Wait, why did I just think that? I'm a nice, uh guy.
He turned back to the ponies who where trembling in terror at the scene they just witnessed. Their eyes were very large and their faces very expressive for mere ponies. Upon closer inspection, he realized that one of them was injured. The orange one's wound were not too serious, but enough to be a danger in a forest filled with predators and pitfalls. He sat down, doing his best to not appear threatening.
The yellow one with a bow in her hair was snapping out of her shock. As she stepped forward slowly, she looked over him curiously at him before recoiling backwards.
"Please don't eat us!" she pleaded.
He was more interested in that she could talk and that he could understand her, and then what she said finally reached him. Eat them? Me? He look down at himself again and it hit him. I do look like a meat eating predator, don't I?
He reached towards them in what he tried to make look like a friendly manner and found out it was not the smartest thing to do. He was faced with three open screaming floodgates. The two ran off, and the third was not in the condition to run and could only try, but ended up stumbling off with her friends, only to fall down.
He could not just leave her; he would not be able to live with it if he did. He reached over, picking her up carefully. She struggled at first, but gave up rather quickly, so he began following the running tiny ponies. After trailing the rather fast fillies for around ten minutes, they reached the edge of the forest. Peeking out, he saw what looked like a town.
Wow, those fillies are fast! he thought as he saw them run across the plain that separated the forest from what seemed like a town.
He took off over the plain, crossing it with extreme speed, not wanting to be seen since it was bad enough to have the two young ponies screaming and running around town. With speed that impressed even him, he jumped on top of a house that was rather small for him, the roof creaking as it tried to handle his weight. The darkness provided him with cover since he was completely pitch black.
He made his way across town when lamps turned on because of the fillies yelling. The orange one, however, had passed out. He was beginning to get worried. Ponies were walking... wait, ponies! Well, it shouldn't surprise him since the young ones talked, plus the creatures he ran into, but still, he was shocked to be in such a world. He spotted a building that had a cross on it, assuming it was some sort of hospital.
The fillies had stopped at a literal tree house. They were talking—more like crying worriedly to some larger ponies. He believed they were adults. His new body's advanced hearing and senses let him listen in even though he was running full speed, and rather fall away from them.
"We were in the Everfree forest, and we got chased by three Manticores. They cornered us, and then another creature that looked like a giant bug killed them and took Scootaloo!" they both cried in on of the most long winded sentence he had ever heard—oh, he remembered something! Though it didn't matter at this point.
So the creatures were called Manticores, eh? This was just getting better and better. He stopped in front of the building. He pounded on the door, setting the one he learned name was Scootaloo down, and ran off into the shadows. In a manner of minutes, the nurse, he assumed so based on her tattoo on her flank, rushed out, shouted orders and ran her inside.
Oh, this world was full of surprises. First, he woke up as a giant bug thing, and plus, he scared three young ponies that can talk witless; oh, how this was going so well.
"Monster!" several ponies that he didn't notice standing in the street screamed, pointing at him.
Eight more ponies rushed up, and he recognized a few of them instantly as the ones in that tree house and the two fillies he saved. He found it was best to get answer now. He jumped down, staring at them. They were frozen with the same fear he saw in the fillies. So sad.
He tried to speak, but it came out as a growl and a snarl. Well, he at least expected to be able to talk! This could not get any worse.
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It's ok I guess. I didn't read pass the first few paragraphs as this isn't my type of story. It might turn out well. Two things though.
1. Punctuation needs a bit of cleaning up
And 2. Grammar needs a bit of cleaning too.
Again, just my thoughts. I'll most likely not read the rest of this story, but I'll leave a thumbs up for you.
God bless and have a nice and safe day.
-BronyGamer
2139747 Thx
>> spytim you're most certainly welcome
I like this... I honestly dont want to but... Yeah Im all in now
Shiiiieeet.
I just torrented Aliens:Colonial Marines (there is no way I'm paying 50 bucks for that shit). I finished it, and it sucks a lot of ass. Considering "Prometheus", I had to admit that the Aliens franchise is going down the shitter. So, I decided that I've had enough frustrations for today, and went on to visit fimfiction, where I expected to see another delicious peice of pony-fanfiction.
AND THEN I SAW THIS.
2139808
Don't listen to that meanie, this fic is wonderful and I will be reading more
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!!!
So far it's not turning me down so i'll keep track on it :)
ALIENS! LETS SPAWN ALIENS QUEEN FROM CELESTIAS CHEST!!!!
Scootaloo is best Hive Queen!
Drone or Soldier?
2142849 Soldier AND I never said there was just one......
I'm a big fan of aliens.
But whenever I read any stories with them they are written too human like.
I don't know what you did but I like this one, keep going!
2141769 Well I never said there was just one Alien.......
More
I like it it's a unique idea. Keep them coming I will be sticking around for more chapters. Liked and favorited
You say you never said there was just one. I'd recommend holding off on introducing more aliens until later in the story. Focus on One for now. Give us something to work with, instead of him being a Gary Stu alien in Equestria. Also, try to space things out. Instead of chapter one being: wake up, test body, find and save the CMC, take injured one to Ponyville, then drop said injured one off at the hospital, take some time and explain things. Like maybe show what happened in the hour he was getting used to his body. Maybe also add a mini description of his trek through the Everfree to Ponyville.
Needless to say, I'm intrigued with this story. The last Aliens in Equestria story I read just had me going
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/nope_s.gif
But this has caught my interest.
and here today I was thinking of how I had not found any Alien/MLP stories, probably a few around but I havent found them, get on here just browsing and I come across this. mark to read later, night all
2143607 LOL
ok, an alien in equestria (and possibly human). I was just thinking about something like this a few hours ago.
anyways, back on topic. This story could be a bit better. it feels a bit too rushed and all i see is a wall of text. personally i would make this one chapter into at least two to give it a bit more depth. And try to add a bit more detail too
I'm going to keep reading this because I'm a big fan of aliens, so i have high expectations for this story. So don't disappoint
It roared in his face, and instinct took over. Big mistake. He opened his mouth.(Is something missing Here) What a short and pathetic battle, he thought to himself. Wait, why did I just think that? I'm a nice, uh guy.
Not bad so far, worth a track to see where its going. Just please don't rush it like allot of people tend to, take it slow there is allot that could be mentioned here. Maybe give us your take on alien physiology as he learns to walk, how he perceives the world and that docent just mean sight, and that all without taking psychology into account, assuming he used to be human. Would the new way he perceives the wold affect his mental state? there is so much that could be touched on just as he is fumbling around as a 'drunk alien' please don't neglect it so you can show off how awesome xenon's are, the pic next to the story is probably why we are reading, we already know.
i am now addicted to this story it is so good
2143634
The key word here would be "exposition". But yeah, details would be nice. I'm assuming we have a human dropped into an alien's body? This is never confirmed nor denied-- although the snarky self-thoughts would say, it's a human in there.
And as for the ponies yelling, "monster!" I dunno about them but seeing an actual alien with all those sharp pointy bits, skeletal-like exoskeleton, and drooling doubly-jawed jaws... it's like something out of a monster's nightmare. I'd probably crap my pants and run like my crap-filled pants were on fire. Panic would be the most mild reaction when that alien starts hissing at you, as if you stepped hard on a cobra's tail.
...can't wait to see when Fluttershy gives this alien the Stare.
2143790Chances are our Xenomorph protagonist will hiss at her and make her shit herself in fear since, ya know, Xenomorphs are scary looking motherfuckers.
2143429
2145098
Fluttershy is a scary mo-fo too... um, when she has to be... if that's alright with everyone here that is...
In many of the fics I've seen her jump to the rescue with the first aid kit no matter how scary the creature, overcoming irrational and very-rational fear to put a bandaid on whatever cuthulu-type critter is injured. Although the acid for blood might be a bit harsh on the bandaids... and the floor... and the dirt under the house... and everything else it drips on to.
I like it. A story not about Xenomorphs being mindless beasts. I can't wait for more!
more please....i-if thats okay with you
MOAR
2148919>>2148080 YAY! glad you like it!
Moar now!!!!!!11111
imma give you like
Hmm... I don't mind this, but the Alien doesn't act like an alien from any of the films he seems too... Human. And why did he save Scootaloo from what I've seen of anything Alien they are relentless killers so it does strike me as odd.
Never the less I like dis
I just gotta say, I love the concept, but I just can't read this. The punctuation is awful, there is almost no quotation and if there is it's only at the beginning. There is nothing separating the Alien's thoughts from regular descriptions, so I honestly can't tell if this is supposed to be first or third person. I'm not saying you should abandon this or stop writing it, but I won't be able to read it as it is. I had the same problem with your Star Wars story, great idea brought down by horrible grammar issues.
In short, clean it up a little, and you'll have my attention. For now, you have a great premise, and that's about it.
2151336 I shall talk to my editor!
2151336 Blah, I'm not a perfect editor (well, no one truly is, but anyway!), so bear with me!
As spytim's editor, it is my job to try and make this as readable as possible. However, editors make mistakes from time-to-time. If there are a lot, please, feel free to mention just what problems you may have come across. I am aware now that there may have been a few mess ups with punctuation and even grammar, looking it over again, but can you give me any examples as to what is a huge problem with something like punctuation? What was a main thing, if you can give me one, that was troublesome to come across? I only ask so I do not make this same mistake again in the future.
I will say, however, that when I gave him the edited version of this chapter, it was italicized to separate the character's thoughts from the narrative (and there were even some bolded parts not there, but that's not quite as big as this). But like when I separate paragraphs, the PM probably messes it up--which is weird, because it doesn't do that for another friend I edit for...
2151381 If you like, I might just re-do this chapter. Keep it for now, but I'll probably clean up this chapter once I get a response. I had no idea it was quite as bad as others say, and I do apologize. I honestly can say "I just don't know what went wrong."
2152299 Oh its fine. Have some Pinkies!
2152367 You sure? Well, alright then.
2152399 I move based on mostly ratings, so in my opinion its fine.
You have peaked my interest good sir and for that i add this story to my favourite list and give it a like. ^.=.^
2153340 Why good sir, I thank you for that!
Yeah, definitely not the best thing I've ever read... but I guess it has a strange kind of charm about it. Your spelling, grammar, and punctuation are definitely sufficient, and the pacing could use a little bit of work but I'd definitely be interested in reading more.
I love it! Please continue
2195331>>2139765>>2141307>>2141332>>2141397>>2141769>>2142642>>2143338>>2143514>>2143532>>2143568>>2143607>>2143634>>2143759>>2146128>>2145561>>2148919>>2149400>>2153340>>2154749 New chapter will be coming out today so be watching!
2233690
New chapter?
New chapter.
New chapter!
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Though I like the fast pace, since it suggests the simplicity of his more instinctual driven mind, I would enjoy more description as to what's proceeding and visual details. Possibly more description on moving about from place to place? I couldn't get a bead on where he was at some points.
Definitely a nice read.
It's got a great instinctively fast pace, but I feel you could improve your description and grammar. Great work still
What type of alien is it by chance?
3719243 xenomorph, from the Alien franchise. They look really cool.