• Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Mar 13th, 2015

xscout159xx


I love ponies herpdaderp

T

Rainbow Dash has some problems like everypony, But when her problems consist of visions of murder, violence, and other horrid things and a strange beast named The Darkness living within here she has very few ways to stop it from taking over her and killing everypony.


A cross over Between the game The Darkness and MLP:FIM


*Note there are more charatcers but if i add them now it'll ruin the story :3!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )

Your dialogue could use a little work, you don't have to say 'I said' after every moment of speech. Also, watch your sentences, some of them need commas, or could be separate sentences:

As I heard this in my head I looked around the room, I saw something horrid it was a mirror image of me, but different I saw my colors faded, my eyes red, and a strange Black tentacle like creature around me.

This would more properly (though it could be worked numerous ways) be written as:

As I heard this in my head I looked around the room and saw something horrid. It was a mirror image of me, but different. I saw my colors faded, my eyes red, and a strange black tentacle like creature around me.

Other than a few basic grammar things, which are easy to work over, the premise is interesting and engaging; keep it up, but I would make sure to proof-read again before you submit it, or have someone do it for you. It's hard to proof-read it by simply reading it over, it will always sound right to the writer. I find that it helps to read it BACKWARDS as well as forwards, just so you see the story in a manner different than the first million times you read it. Keep on writing!

Although I only played The Darkness for 20 minutes at a friends house a year ago, making me a newbie The Darkness player, this seems pretty good, and mixing it with ponies has made it more enjoyable and less dark than it is in the game. This is my personal opinion, but it looks as though you're pressing enter twice as many times as you should be, but like I said, and maybe it adds to the scare/mystery factor. I don't think I can add anything other than what Mithrandir said at the moment, but keep up the good work, sounds great! :rainbowkiss: Edit: saw that you had 1776 words, viva la RevoluciĆ³n!

^^^ What these guys said.

Work on that and youll be ACES.

I like the concept, and hope to see this story flourish, ill track it to see
if it dose.

Cheers
~iraqlobstah

I can tell this is being written in celebration to The Darkness 2's upcoming release. :yay:

PS. The demo is AWESOME. :rainbowwild:

The asterisk! :derpyderp1:

Oh god...*

is this on unofficial hiatus?

211103
Kinda, I really don't like how i wrote this, im thinking maybe trash it and start again.

211395 fine by me

211395 That's all fine and dandy but hurry i am really eager for the next chapter

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