Your Little Adventure

by My Only Weakness

Your Life So Far

Read this first: There may be some spelling and grammar problems during the story, lets see who's man enough to go through this story with commenting on the grammar/spelling mistakes
Good Luck........because you're going to need it

---

You lived in the city of Fillydelphia nearly all your child hood. You lived with your Mother, Rose Petal, your Father, Frost Bite, your older brother, Jack Hammer and your older sister, Rose Beat.

You were the youngest out of your entire family, including your cousins.

But you were lucky enough to be born a Pegasus

Your Mother and your two siblings were born unicorns and your dad was a Pegasus.

---

Your Dad

Your Dad had a job at the weather control in Fillydelphia. His cutie mark is a dark cloud with snow flakes coming down from it. Your Dad's coat was a dark brown color. His mane and tail were gray and had a ice blue streak going down it. His eye were a simple dark green.

As much as he wanted to teach you how to fly he was too busy with his paper to teach you, even on the weekends.

Luckily, he was able to get your grandpa (who was the ex-captain of the Wonderbolts) so he taught you every thing he knew about flying and taught you the move that only the the Wonderbolts knew how to do!

---

Your Mum

Your Mum owns a flower shop in the city. She has worked in that shop ever since she was a young filly. Your Mum's cutie mark is a rose. Your Mum's coat was a light red just like some of the flowers she sells at her shop and her mane and tail were just a simple brown. Her eyes were aqua blue

She would always take you and your siblings to the shop when she had the chance. Your Grandparents on your mum's side didn't mind you being there.

Your Mum also teached your brother and sister how to use magic. Even thought you couldn't do magic you would alway like to watch as your siblings would levitate stuff

---

Your Brother

Your brother, Jack Hammer, would always pick on you. Mainly because you could fly and he couldn't, But no matter what he would do to you you would always look up to him.

Jack Hammer is 5 years older then you.

Your Brother has the same color coat as your dad's and his mane and tail were to same color brown but a little lighter. His eye were also the same color as your dad's.

His cutie mark was a Jack Hammer. He got his cutie mark when he was messing around with some tools when some construction workers were doing some work on your house. He got he serious trouble with your parents and the construction workers. But now he works at building company.

---

Your Sister

Your sister, Rose Beat, would always be the one how would look after you. When you were being picked on by other ponies, your sister would always help you. Whenever you were upset, she would always be there to comfort you. She would even stand up to your big brother when he was teasing you.

Rose Beat is 3 years older then you.

Your sister has the same eye and coat color as your mum, but she had nice yellow mane and tail. You would always think she dyed her hair, but she always told you that is was all natural

Your sister's cutie mark is a rose with music notes around it. Your sis was very good at playing instrument from the guitar to the triangle. Name any instrument, she could play it.

Her favorite instrument is the guitar, because she like the way it sounds. She would play it for you whenever you were down and depressed. She would play one song for you that would always make you happy.

---

You

You weren't a shy Pegasus you always be up for adventure and full off life. You loved to fly really fast to feel the wind going thought you're hair and on you're face.

You had the same color coat as your dad but it was a little lighter then his. Your mane was the same color as your mum's, but you had a little bit of blue in your hair that you got from your dad.

Your cutie mark is a star with ribbons on the side. You got your cutie mark by entering a race. You came first and broke a record. After many years, no one had broke it.

---

You just turned 22 a couple of weeks ago.

It's Sunday.

You still lived with your mum and dad. Jack Hammer and Rose beat have already moved out. Someday you would work with your mum at the flower shop whenever it got to busy and on other days you would help your dad on the weather control.

After you got done with your work you would drop off some stuff in your room and go outside to fly around the city.

As you soared through the air and looked down at the city below you, you started to think to yourself.

I've been doing the same thing other and other again for the last 12 years. I still haven't moved out and I'm living of mum and dad's money.

You come to a complete stop and hoover in the air scratching the back of your neck

"It's time for me to grow up" You say out loud.

You go to fly back home, but something catches your eye. You turn to a pamphlet on the ground. You don't know what it is about this pamphlet and why it got your attention. You fly down to it and pick it up.

You stand there reading the pamphlet when....

"HEY GET OUT THE WAY TO STUPID KID" Shouts some random old man in front of you.

"Oh, sorry sir" You respond and you fly up into the air.

You fly back to you're house and go up to your room and read the pamphlet

"Ponyville huh?" you say "Sounds nice"

Comments

[StarSorio]

Unless it has something to do with the plotline, i'm pretty sure it's supposed to be, "Your Little adventure"

[My Only Weakness]

1893449
Oh is it? well thanks I'll be sure to change it

[Delicious]

I'm not sure if I'll read this or not, but your first impression isn't very good grammar wise. The title should be capitalized as "Your Little Adventure" just as MLP is "My Little Pony" not "My little pony."

After your title, we have the first part of the description.

You were getting tired of living the same old routine and living in a big city. You decide to move to a whole new place. What lies in store for you there?

Pick a tense, were is past and the other two are to the extent of my knowledge (not far) present.

Then we have the final part of the description, which just seems awkward

You're Name is Stargazer

I'm not going to bold anything this time, You're is a shortening of You Are. "You Are Name is Stargazer" sounds wrong and is wrong; Your is the correct one. It's the same problem in the first chapter's title. Then, "Your Name is Stargazer" would work in capitalization, but only if it was the title. It's almost aggravating to see that you use the proper capitalization for a sentence on a title, and the proper capitalization of a title for a sentence.
TLDR- "Your name is Stargazer."

[Edit] For the love of all that is good, YOU'RE means YOU ARE and YOUR is POSSESSIVE. Click this for more information.

[thetwinkie18]

Sounds promising.... Il keep an eye on it...

[TheNextGamer]

8 dislikes?
Now that aint fair at all!
This is a pretty good story.

[Abody]

1949075
I think the horribly bad English has something to do with it, even I found it a little uncomfortable going through it because of the fact that "you're" was in the place of "your".

[Darknight293]

But now he works at building company

I think the word "the" is missing...

I came first and broke a record.

Good for you! But I thought this was our adventure...

[Adamanthys]

From your foreword:
"There maybe some spelling" (may be)
"lets see who man enough" (let's see who's man enough)
"to go thought" (to go through)

Lol, no offence but what a great impression to give before anyone actually begins to read it....

[The Dimension Lord]

StarGazer, may want to copywrite that mate.

[multivex]

As much as he wanted to teach you how to fly he was too busy with his paper to teach you

"dad can you help me fly?"
"NOT NOW. MUST MAKE ORIGAMI"

[Golden Flare]

Found some typos,

You lived in the city of Fillydelphia nearly all your child hood.

"Childhood" is one word.

As much as he wanted to teach you how to fly he was too busy with his paper to teach you

There's a comma missing in between "fly" and "he".

You weren't a shy Pegasus you always be up for adventure and full off life.

There should be a comma in between "Pegasus" and "you", speaking of, "you" should be "you'll". Plus, "off" should be "of".

But you were lucky enough to be born a Pegasus

Her eyes were aqua blue

You would always think she dyed her hair, but she always told you that is was all natural

You come to a complete stop and hoover in the air scratching the back of your neck

You fly back to you're house and go up to your room and read the pamphlet

There's a period missing at the end of these sentences.

Even thought you couldn't do magic you would alway like to watch as your siblings would levitate stuff

First off, "alway" should be "always". Second, "thought" should be "though". Third, there's a comma missing in between "magic" and "you". And lastly, there's no period at the end.

"It's time for me to grow up"

"Sounds nice"

These pieces of dialogue are missing periods.

"HEY GET OUT THE WAY TO STUPID KID"

This needs an exclamation point at the end.

"Oh, sorry sir"

I don't know if there is supposed to be a period or an exclamation point at the end here, what I DO know is that either should be there, whichever one you were going to use.

"Ponyville huh?" you say

"you say" should have a period or comma at the end, either works.

Other than that, I'm enjoying the story so far, I love 2nd person fics

I'll keep commenting the typos I see as I read

[Speedbreaker]

I would point out some errors, but other people already have and you haven't fixed them, leading me to believe you won't fix anything I point out.

[Icy Creation]

Read this first : There may be some spelling and grammar problems during the story, lets see who's man enough to go through this story with commenting on the grammar/spelling mistakes Good Luck........because you're going to need it

If they're not funny, I won't.
I mean, if it were out loud then I wouldn't be able to stop myself. But in writing its relatively fine.

And if that's supposed to be without, challenge accepted.

If that's supposed to be while, I have already failed.