Alright, If you want my opinion, your going WAY to fast! Third chapter and you've ALREADY made poor shy fall in love with this guy. She may not know it, but WE all do! Also, get a proof reader! If you already have one, get a better one. Grammar errors are minimum, but the story at times feels awkward to read, and really sped up. Also, when writing a paragraph, instead of always putting 'Jack' at the beginning of each sentence, try using this amazing called a third person, singular personal pronoun, more commenly known as 'He/she/it" or a small descriptive value, such as, 'The man, the aging soldier, the blade wielding maniac...'
Example: Your paragraph-
“RUN! GO HOME!” Shouted Jack at the girls, and they ran off, the dogs more focused on tearing out Jack’s throat. The dogs came upon Jack, their black claws poised to strike. Jack rolled out of the way, slashing one’s stomach. Jack stood up, turning to face the remaining 2 dogs. They jumped at him, and Jack threw his knife into one, leaving him unarmed. The remaining dog circled him, then lunged, his claws about to break Jack’s skin. Jack grabbed the dog by the throat, and slammed him into the ground, knocking the wind out of Jack’s assailant. Jack then looked around for a weapon, spotting what looked like a machete embedded inside a rock.
My paragraph(Not perfect, but better)-
“RUN! GO HOME!” Shouted Jack at the girls, and they ran off, the dogs more focused on tearing out the throat of the strange creature. The dogs came upon him, their black claws poised to strike. He rolled out of the way, slashing one’s stomach. Jack stood up, turning to face the remaining 2 dogs. They jumped at him, and he threw his knife into one, leaving him unarmed. The remaining dog circled him, then lunged, his claws about to break the defenders skin. The aging soldier grabbed the dog by the throat, and slammed him into the ground, knocking the wind out of the assailant, before looking around for a weapon, and spotting what looked like a machete embedded inside a rock.
So there you have it, short, brutal and truthful. Hope this helps you!
I'm pretty new to 3rd person (1st person is my strong suite) so I still need to work on it a bit. Your criticism is greatly appriciated, and will definitely be taken into account. Thanks
Nice chapter, a little bit quick on the shipping thing, but then again they're both trying to dismiss thoughts of attractiveness to each other like part of their brain is saying, "That Fluttershy girl is pretty hot, don't you think?" and for Fluttershy, "He sure is handsome isn't he?" Anyway nice job with the chapter it was pretty action and calm at the same time, will there be more downtime or will there be more action stuff that they have to go through.
It would be nice if you slowed down and if you go through the story remember about plotholes cause some scenes need to be remembered like the diamond dog confrontation and the tattoo on how they link. And also remember to be descriptive, but not too much! We don't want a paragraph on how green this hill is.
Wait, Applejack has a flamethrower? AHHHHHHYEAHHHHH!!!!!
Alright, If you want my opinion, your going WAY to fast! Third chapter and you've ALREADY made poor shy fall in love with this guy. She may not know it, but WE all do! Also, get a proof reader! If you already have one, get a better one. Grammar errors are minimum, but the story at times feels awkward to read, and really sped up. Also, when writing a paragraph, instead of always putting 'Jack' at the beginning of each sentence, try using this amazing called a third person, singular personal pronoun, more commenly known as 'He/she/it" or a small descriptive value, such as, 'The man, the aging soldier, the blade wielding maniac...'
Example:
Your paragraph-
“RUN! GO HOME!” Shouted Jack at the girls, and they ran off, the dogs more focused on tearing out Jack’s throat. The dogs came upon Jack, their black claws poised to strike. Jack rolled out of the way, slashing one’s stomach. Jack stood up, turning to face the remaining 2 dogs. They jumped at him, and Jack threw his knife into one, leaving him unarmed. The remaining dog circled him, then lunged, his claws about to break Jack’s skin. Jack grabbed the dog by the throat, and slammed him into the ground, knocking the wind out of Jack’s assailant. Jack then looked around for a weapon, spotting what looked like a machete embedded inside a rock.
My paragraph(Not perfect, but better)-
“RUN! GO HOME!” Shouted Jack at the girls, and they ran off, the dogs more focused on tearing out the throat of the strange creature. The dogs came upon him, their black claws poised to strike. He rolled out of the way, slashing one’s stomach. Jack stood up, turning to face the remaining 2 dogs. They jumped at him, and he threw his knife into one, leaving him unarmed. The remaining dog circled him, then lunged, his claws about to break the defenders skin. The aging soldier grabbed the dog by the throat, and slammed him into the ground, knocking the wind out of the assailant, before looking around for a weapon, and spotting what looked like a machete embedded inside a rock.
So there you have it, short, brutal and truthful. Hope this helps you!
-MyDigitalHazard
verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/demotivational-posters-flamethrowers.jpg
1919759 Thanks much for your help
I'm pretty new to 3rd person (1st person is my strong suite) so I still need to work on it a bit. Your criticism is greatly appriciated, and will definitely be taken into account. Thanks
Nice chapter, a little bit quick on the shipping thing, but then again they're both trying to dismiss thoughts of attractiveness to each other like part of their brain is saying, "That Fluttershy girl is pretty hot, don't you think?" and for Fluttershy, "He sure is handsome isn't he?" Anyway nice job with the chapter it was pretty action and calm at the same time, will there be more downtime or will there be more action stuff that they have to go through.
It would be nice if you slowed down and if you go through the story remember about plotholes cause some scenes need to be remembered like the diamond dog confrontation and the tattoo on how they link.
And also remember to be descriptive, but not too much! We don't want a paragraph on how green this hill is.
the door walked in? AHHHHH! talking ponies and walking doors!!! RUN!!!
2230573 Oh goodness, thanks for catching that for me
I'll update it as soon as I get off my smartphone. So in the next few hours or so :P