• Member Since 24th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 9th, 2015

Garbo


A Pasty Plebeian Pencil Pusher

E

Twilight and Pinkie Pie have been friends ever since Twilight first stepped into town. Wanting to keep it that way, Twilight kept her feelings for the Pink pony hidden. She did, until Pinkie developed some feelings of her own. Left alone to plan Spike's surprise party congratulating him on his part in defeating King Sombra, those feelings start to surface, and maybe affect those of others.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 112 )

Continue! Godspeed!:flutterrage:
(jk)

I have no future as a love counselor, I am quite certain.

But I am also sure, as Twi seems to be, that love often happens under the strangest circumstances.

That cover pic, I love it!

Good writing, but I think you need to change the formatting. Definitely put an empty line between each paragraph and maybe indent the first line of each paragraph. So like this or like this. Either of those looks better than what you have now, imo.
Edit: Much better!

I can't complain about your actual writing though, heh. Good characters, etc. Seems interesting so far.

1891537
oh crap I forgot to do that. Whoops.
1891511
Thanks. Took me a while to find it. I like to use show stills instead of fan art. I just like it better for some reason
1891507
Neither do I. Rarity does though, but that's in the next chapter
1891305>>1891291
Thanks.

This is a good story. Keep it up.:pinkiehappy:

1891589
Thanks. The next part will be up either today or tomorrow, and it's better than this one.

Your welcome and okay.:pinkiesmile:

Well, this seems pretty good. I really like it! Can't wait to see more...
There were a couple of typos/errors I found, though.

“Hey Twilight, I’m going to get some more flour,” said the Pinkie mare, walking into the storeroom.

I think you meant to put 'pink mare.'

“Spike, its fine. I didn’t really need to be a surprise party.”

I think you meant to put 'It' rather than 'I.'

Spike shot them a quick smile before noticing the decorations and sugary sweets that adorned the walls and tables of Sugarcube corner.

'Corner' should be capitalized, since it's a proper noun in this case.

Now that she had something else to focus on, Pinkie much less nervous.

I think you meant to put 'Pinkie felt much...' 'Pinkie much' doesn't really make sense, seeing as how it doesn't have a verb.
Well, most of that stuff is just the little things, and aren't that big of a deal. I really like it so far, and can't wait to see a new chapter! *Thumbs up and faves* :pinkiehappy:

1891943
Yeah, I know, right?

1891791
Thanks for this. I didn't go over this as thoroughly as I usually do, so I missed a few things. I'll make these corrections when part 2 comes out.

1891943 I think you damn it Twilight and Pinkie Pie! Seriously just confess already! :twilightangry2:

Or in other words Get On With It! :flutterrage:

THEY'RE UTTERLY HOPELESS! GLARGH!

Anyway, this is pretty good. Overall, I don't have any complaints with it, and I liked it. One thing I will say is, I found Pinkie's character kind of off, but it is hard to write her into a ship fic, because you have to give her a more serious side. The grammar little stupid nitpicks I found were covered by BlueDragonIsAwesome, so there's that.

KEEP WRITING YOU WONDERFUL PERSON!

*upvote*

- Church

You are telling more than you are showing. Yes, this advice gets given a lot, but show, not tell.

I'm pointing towards Pinkie's whole going to get flour but really stressing over what to do. I think the effect could be better if, instead of just writing "Pinkie Pie’s feelings were very similar to Twilight’s, but different in that they were newer.", it would have been better to show her stressing out, trying to vocally calm herself down, maybe confiding into somepony, or something.

It would make the whole thing a lot more effective, I would say.

Maybe try it out, see how you like it.

Pretty good start! I'm loving this!

1893037
It'll take the whole next chapter, believe me. They're both pretty awkward about this. Romance is awkward, or so I've heard. Never had any romance myself, though.
1893460
That was my main problem. Pinkie is actually pretty good when she's already in a relationship, but in a fic where a relationship is starting, she's going to be at least a little OOC unless the fic is a comedy. But then again, people tend to be more serious when romance comes around, so I figure ponies would too, even pinkie pie. Thanks for the praise too!
1893782
You have a point there. I usually try to avoid doing that sort of direct thing, and I'm also usually a big fan of long, descrptive paragraphs with no dailouge. But I wanted to keep the fic brief, so I decided to just get right to the point. And I promise the second part is written better. This first part is not nearly my best style-wise, although I did a pretty good job where plot is concerned.
1893858
:pinkiehappy::twilightsheepish:

1894131 Normally I'd understand their reluctance if they were figuring out their feelings but at this point they both know they want to the other but are too shy to confess. It's just annoying really, I know in real life romance can and probably often does work out that way but that odens't make it any less annoying. :eeyup:

1894224
Oh, come on! This chapter's only, what, 2000 words. It's really not that bad. Realism is underrated in fan fiction, and I always try to make my fics as realistic as possible. I just like them better that way.

1894241 I'm just saying it's a little bit different having tow ponies unwilling to confess when they both know how they feel, if either of them were in doubt this proably wouldn't seem as annoying. :trixieshiftleft:

I myslef actually kind of like this uncertainy and can't wait to see where it goes. :twilightsmile::heart::pinkiehappy:

1894252
I'm in the business of different. Different is good. It may not make the feature box most of the time, but it's more worth writing.
Also, glad you like the uncertainty. That's what I'm trying to do, after all.

Woah woah wait wait...what's this doing in the one shot folder on the twi-pie group? Anyways it's great to see another well written twinkie ship come along, to me it seems like this ship is being written less and less. I just hope you can keep this ship afloat!

Cheerio!

1894317
You know, I'm really thinking about it. I mean, this is going to have another chapter, so I guess it's not a one-shot, really. But this has been a lot of fun to write, and I'm considering making a fun-length fic out of this. But at the moment, I'm treating it like a one-shot. If i continue it, I'll juts pull it out of all the one-shot folders and keep writing.

TwiPie is the latest ship i have seen that is getting more and more popular... bravo

1900541
Thanks. New chapter is coming out in a few minutes.

. . . Nickleback? Really? You ruined this fic you understand? RUINED IT! SHAME ON YOU!

But in all seriousness, not bad.

You've been entertaining me all evening, and you continue this /just/ as I am going to bed <3

Thanks for the awsome fics :)

1901010

:rainbowlaugh:

This fic is quite well-written. Good job!

yes i believe the smell of a raridash romance is in the air.

1901010
I don't like them either, but I needed to spoof a band that's still around. Daughtry is better. But notice the songs I actually mentioned were good. I made sure to get some Zeppelin in there.
1901083
Thanks for the awesome compliment
1901208
Thanks. I think I did pretty good with the Second chapter.
1901357>>1902216
NO!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T SPOIL IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (:trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:)

Small clap. Also Raridash (not so subtle) hinting.
:twilightsmile::heart::pinkiehappy:
:raritywink::heart::rainbowderp:

1902833
I could still put a crazy one and say Rainbow Dash likes someone else. You never know
[and yes, RariDash]

1902826

Couldn't you have put a good band in then? I don't know, like, anyone else ever?

Great job on this chapter. I hope the next one is just as good or even better then the last two.:pinkiesmile::twilightsmile:

1902964
You try and ponify it. I mean, yeah, I mentioned Communication Breakdown, but the reason I didn't say Led Zeppelin was because I couldn't ponify the name Led Zeppelin. The best I can do with Daughtry is Neightry, and that's pretty lame. And then with Joan Jett, she's not my favorite (though I like her), but I can ponify that name easily.
And yes, they do have to be ponified, at least for me. And I needed someone who still tours. If you have a suggestion (ponified name) that's good, I'll put it in and credit you with it.
Also, Nickleback's first album wasn't terrible. Some of those songs were pretty decent.

1903004
Thanks. I hope so too!

1903209

I hate it when people try to ponify things the usual way- always replacing part of the name with pony vocabulary; even when It's not necessary. "Nickelback" and "Led Zeppelin" BOTH have names that work both in the pony world and in the human world. Why? Because both names make about as much sense in both worlds. Another case I despise is when you take a real human name, "Edgar Allen Poe" and lazily change part of the name to a pony term. In a world where "Twilight Sparkle" and "Raindrops" and "Rainbow Dash" are all valid names, Edgar Allen Pony STILL isn't a good name. Change it to Flickering Lucidity or something else that makes sense. I understand that most of the time people just ponify names to make a quick joke, but I can't find it funny at all. Sorry for the rantiness, but I've seen so many authors do similar things and it's getting on my nerves.

1902826 Can you blame me for seeing the obvious signs? :rainbowhuh:/:raritystarry:

1903326
But using real band names directly doesn't exist in the pony universe. It doesn't, and we know that. I can't just say Led Zeppelin because that wouldn't make sense. I could just change the name, but then nobody would understand the reference.

1903209

Nickleback ever good? *slap* I'm taking away your human badge. You don't meet the criteria! SHAME ON YOU! I'll give it back once you wise up. But yeah, any band you can ponify to your needs is good . . . unless you came up with an original band and band name... nah.

1903601
I wanted to make a reference. And I didn't say it was good. I just said it wasn't bad. I really don't listen to Nickleback, and quite honestly, I felt somewhat awkward writing that, but whatever. I think i redeemed myself with the Led Zeppelin and Joan Jett references.

1903543

Still no better than Nickerback in my opinion, but ok. :facehoof:

I'm getting the feeling that Dashie liked Twilight but Pinkie beat her to the punch so to speak. :pinkiehappy:

1904192>>1903601
your arguments have convinced me to make an edit. A reasonable edit, I think.
1904678
You'll just have to see, won't you? :pinkiecrazy:

100 bucking upvotes ... Awesome!
*ignores the nine downvotes*

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