• Member Since 1st Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen October 9th

RariTwiFan


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A young filly has dreams of a creature of pony legend. The ancient race of the colossai seem to be on the rise once more. Will a ragtag group of ponies be enough to save Equestria? AU

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 59 )

Hey guys this is RariTwiFan! I was wondering what I could do to improve the next chapter and what you guys liked about this one. I know this chapter was a bit boring but it will get more exciting soon. I hope nopony hated this :pinkiesad2: I understand though that my first chapter was a bit...not great putting it lightly :rainbowlaugh: I hope you all will end up liking what I have in store and I'd really appreciate some constructive criticism if you have the time. :raritywink:

1886467

I would suggest putting more in the description--something that pulls the reader in. Also, make sure you start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. Example:

“Don't worry none about her she's a good pony if ah' do say so myself,” An orange country filly says. “...and you are?” Dash asks. “Oh! Ah'm Applejack and yourself?” “Rainbow dash” “Well nice to meet ya'!” “Well...um...” “Something wrong Sugarcube?” “Nah it's just that...why are you being so nice to me?”

And I have another question--the end of the world? Dash's mom caused it? What? :rainbowhuh: I would suggest being more clear. And they're in Ponyville? I thought Dash was in Flight School when she was a filly... But that's not a big deal.

I have another question. Will there be shipping pairs? And if so, who? So far, it seems like this is a school-life type of story. Is it going to change to what you described in the description?

Well, with that out of the way, it seems interesting, to say the least. Will you be adding all the characters? Too many questions... But good job, regardless. I'll follow it, though. Hope Twilight shows up at some point. :derpytongue2:

I liked this chapter a lot. You do really have a good story going here. But that's because when I read a story, I mainly enjoy it for the story, not how it was written.

Your only problems are technical and grammatical errors. If you'd like, I could help make it better by editing it a bit. Although, if you don't want me to edit it, I could always help you improve your writing by putting in small notes on what you should improve.

If you want any help at all, then you should contact me. But if you don't want my help, then I recommend that you try posting your story in this group: Editor's Dreamland

You have a pretty good talent for story writing, and I want to see it get even better.:rainbowdetermined2:

1888734 Description has always been my one of my biggest problems and the beginning bit was more of how Dash was feeling at the moment. She doesn't like school so she felt like it was the end of the world. I could have definitely shown that more clearly. I will indeed be adding all the characters! Twilight is getting introduced next chapter and the ships will be :raritystarry: x :twilightsheepish: , :pinkiehappy: x :rainbowkiss: , and some others that I'm not sure of yet. Thank you for the feedback it means a lot!

1888852
Ohh, heh... Had a moment; that makes sense now. I just took it literally. :twilightoops:
RariTwi? Should've known from your username, eh? :rainbowlaugh: I'll be looking forward to that! You're welcome, and I'm looking forward to a new chapter. :pinkiesmile:

1888881 Thanks!:pinkiehappy: Also the reason Dash is in Ponyville now is because this takes place in an alternate universe where the mane six met when they were younger.

Hiya, it's SpeederClaw from Authors Helping Authors here to...help an author!
-Colossal

Grammar: 6

Pros
-Interesting concept of having the mane six meet in school (having school drama and whatnot)
-Placement of other ponies makes sense (Octavia being related to Pinkie/Bon Bon being a teacher as I can kind of see that)
-Good foreshadow on Rainbow Dash's past

Cons
-Separating dialogue; every time a new speaker speaks it must be a new paragraph (or else it gets confusing to read)
-Tense; you want to stay in past tense as present gets hard to keep track of, you'll naturally be typing/writing in past and then change to present
-Other grammatical mistakes, some commas and spacing...some periods

Notes: Overall, I think you should play around with innocence and have Rainbow Dash already sort of knowing what it's like to see the more 'darker' things in life. She'll teach the other mane six about it or something, just thoughts for future chapters should you choose to continue. So, like I said, work on thy grammar and try to stick with speaking in past tense. Commas/spacing/spelling is important, but make sure you create those new paragraphs for new speakers. All in all, I believe you will take this in the right direction.

Hope this review was helpful and don't forget to check out my story, One Shot, One Chance, when you get the chance. I'd appreciate any feedback you would have and good luck on writing :twilightsmile:

This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors

Name: Colossal

Grammar: 6.5

Pros: Good story concept, original (as far as I know), Like that they're all fillies, haven't read many stories of why the main six were fillies.

cons: Grammar needs some work (but so doesn't mine :twilightblush:), was hard to tell who was talking at times.

Notes: My Reviews focus more on story rather than grammar issues. I like the Concept/plot of the story, though you might want to elaborate more on the bullying of Rainbow dash, she never struck me as someone who would get picked on. Also make sure to separate conversations, when some one new speaks make a new paragraph and make sure you make it clear who is speaking.

Hope you liked your review, don't forget to give my story a look, Guardian of the Hearthfire, like and favorite and don't forget to comment.

1895236>>1895187>>1893124 Thanks for the advice guys! I'll make sure to get reviews to all of you as soon as possible!

This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors

Name: Colossal
Grammar: 5.5
Pros:
There's a lot of good ideas here. You pair up other ponies really well and that's generally what one hopes to expect from an AU story. The main thing too is that I didn't hate this story at all while reading it, however...

Cons: This has been brought up in other reviews, but your grammar and structure need work. Grammar isn't my strongest suit, so I'll touch on the action of the story. Everything happens rather fast, and it was hard to follow. I couldn't finish this chapter because it was hard to follow what was happening.

Notes: I feel like I should apologize for not giving a very detailed review. You say this is your first story huh? I high recommend you submit your next chapter (which I hope you write) to a proofreader. The best thing to do is keep your tenses all the same, and I personally recommend past tense, and make a new paragraph every time a different character speaks. Also, slow down the pacing a little and show the reader the setting. One of the things that last me was that I couldn't picture what was happening - there's a lot of telling but not much showing. But that being said, I think you have a good idea here that is worth exploring.

I won't leave a link to my story here - I don't think I gave you a good enough review for me to feel okay with asking you to look at my story. Keep writing, and do a lot of reading if you aren't doing so right now.

MadBrony from Authors Helping Authors here:

Title: Colossal

Grammar: 6

Pros: original story line, as far as I know, I like the idea of them all being friends from when they were fillies.
BonBon as a teacher is also pretty interesting (I think someone else said that as well)

Cons: Characterization with RD seems a bit off. It sounded weird when I read that RD got severely beaten. She isn't really the kind of pony that would get picked on.
Needs more descriptions so that the story doesn't seem bland.
Numerous grammatical errors. For every new speaker start a new paragraph, tenses seemed to change. Overall it was pretty awkward to read.

Notes: Overall, this story has the potential to become a good life adventure type story. Fix the grammar, be more descriptive and don't give up. :twilightsmile:

Hope this review proves useful, and don't forget to check out and review my story The Arrival :raritywink:

1917856 Description is something I'm working at and I'm very grateful for your help.:pinkiesmile::heart:

1917845 I'm editing the first chapter at the moment so hopefully you'll be able to finish one. You brought up a lot of good points and I will be reviewing your story. You put a good amount of work into your review and I won't leave you hanging dood.:twilightsmile:

Thanks for the fav and review, your friendly admin vren55 popping in from Authors Helping Authors
Grammar:6
Pros:
You got the cute filly mane 6 down pretty well
Generally you have good sentence structure and okay grammar
The premise is interesting
Cons:
At the same time, the ponies seem a touch mature for their age.
Additionally, it seems as if the whole scene was rather rushed.
Plot not really established, or not even given a hint of. I'll explain in notes
Notes:
Well I have to say filly mane six looks pretty good, but I don't get a lot of this chapter. I mean, is there a wider plot that you've hinted in summary? Because that's the chief problem with this. I like how you did establish the ponyville ponies, but what about TS? In this case, you have to get the second chapter with TS and establish the plot ASAP or people will lose interest. This story does show promise though and I gave it a like.

Story i would like you to look at: Remembering the Fallen (it's a bit sad though)

1923001 Twilight will indeed be in the chapter. I gotta say her opening scene is pretty awesome...I think anyway.:pinkiehappy: Also I have to agree that they are a bit too mature in the first chapter. Hopefully as the story goes on I'll be able to write better kids moments. Also the plot will be mostly established next chapter. Let's just say Applejack may discover something.:raritywink:

I'm gonna try not to just say what everyone else has,

overall I really like the story you have going, a bullied RD isn't common so it's nice to see something new. Plus including the pie sisters is a nice touche, maybe you could elaborate on way they're adopted and reveal the bow tie story ( just suggestions).

As the other have said the main flaw is the grammar and style. As a small thing, I'm pretty sure you don't use a pluralized stem in possession, Filly's instead of fillie's. Also the mane six seem a bit too old to be in middle-school but it's not too bad.

At any rate, I'm definitely sticking around to see what you do with this.

This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors!

Name: Colossal

Grammar: 7

Pros:
- I like the concept a lot, very original and intriguing
- The ponies act just as they should for their age
- As others said before, having Bon Bon as a teacher is a neat little detail!

Cons:
- Yeah, dialogue definitely. I know many others have said it before me, but it really distracts from the story. Look here and make changes to your story accordingly. And to go along with that, start a new paragraph whenever a new person does something, like think or something.
- It's pretty weird to read in present tense. Please change it to past tense, it sounds less awkward :twilightoops:
- A few other small things. It's 'filly' not 'fillie' and a few times you said 'ponie' instead of 'pony.' I'm also not sure if the semicolons are really necessary, as you might be able to just end the sentence and start a new one instead. If you do need them, put a space after them please? :twilightsheepish:

Notes: This story has a lot of potential, and after you format accordingly for dialogue, you'll probably have many more likes! Nice work!

1933828 Thanks for the review! I've got an editor now so hopefully most of the mistakes will be gone now. :twilightsmile:

1935475
Oh! Oh! I wouldn't mind being a second editor person!
In fact, now I really want to be.
Maybe I'm just crazy that way though :pinkiecrazy:

1939166 That's be super awesome!:pinkiehappy: Do you want to start on chapter 2 or go over chapter 1? Either ones good and your help means a lot!:raritystarry:

1939559
I can start chapter one later today and pm it to you! :twilightsmile:

This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors

Name: Colossal

Grammar: 8

Pros:
-I like the foreshadowing for later things.
-Interesting idea, I like the idea of them all being friends at school (the idea of them being all that age almost gives me a heart attack from adorableness)
-Quite simply I want to read another chapter, the storyline is engaging :twilightsheepish:

Cons
-I am a little unsure about the characterization. I had a little difficulty imagining some of AJ's lines being spoken, seemed more mature than she is in this.
-Seemed to jump around a bit, introducing characters left right and center. I felt I didn't really get a proper feel for a character before they had left. This might be addressed in the later chapters of course.
-I feel you could write some more on the setting. There wasn't much description and it felt as though some scenes were happening in a void of sorts.

Notes: I am intrigued and interested by where you are going to take this. The concept seems original and the characters, for all my grumbling, are generally well characterized. I wish you the best of luck in writing this and I shall follow this story with interest :twistnerd:

I would ask you to review Winter Solstice, but you seem to have favourited it already. Some pointers would be lovely though :twilightsmile:

1949683 Thanks for the review!:pinkiehappy: AJ is a bit more mature than a kid usually is, but there is a reason for that. Chapter two will explain why exactly.

It did jump around a bit you're right. Hopefully chapter two will better at keeping focus.

Settings are something I definitely need to work on!

Thanks again and I hope you'll be looking forward to your review soon!:twilightsmile:

I gotta say, I really enjoyed your story! I'm not normally a fan of alternate realities, but you've done a really REALLY great job :twilightsmile: Can't wait for the next chapter!

Hello! This review is brought to you by Authors helping Authors.
Name of Story: Colossal
Grammar score: 7
Pros: The concept of story is interesting
Nice foreshadowing of future events
Cons: I feel as if the story is being rush
Too many characters are being introduced at once

Notes: The story is interesting but as I said I feel like being rushed. Can't say that I like the story so far at the time being, but write the next few chapters and I feel more comfortable of making a finally decision.
Hope you like the review and that it is helpful. Please help me by reviewing A Choice. Just a word of warning it is a long story so don't try to read in one go.

Hey guys this is RariTwiFan! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'd like to know what you all think of this chapter if you're not too busy.:twilightsmile:

I liked how you made it seem like Rarity had died at the beginning, but had Twilight come and save her.

This has improved dramatically from the last time I'd read it, so good job with that! Oh, and I found this typo...


W-wait! What about him?” Twilight pointed at the bleeding stallion.

Just an extra enter there. Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing what happens with Rarity and Twilight. Great job, author! :pinkiehappy:

I'm very happy that I was able to help! I hope that people will like this story now that it's been properly edited!:pinkiehappy:

2004137 Thanks I was trying to add more tension to this chapter. My first chapter didn't really have any at all and I know that I don't usually enjoy when a story has no sense of danger...though maybe that's just me!:rainbowlaugh:

2004166 You did an awesome job Flan!:raritystarry: You are the best editor a pony could hope for!:pinkiehappy:

1996858 Thanks for the review! I'll be posting my review for your story soon!

Okay here I go: Rebel Brony of Authors Helping Authors review

Pros
Grammar is good, and done well ( I am a little happier that you didn't misuse Y'all so that's also good).
Not usually my kind of story, but it was a nice read. So I'll favorite this.
The somewhat dark scenes add to the story and give background.
Cons
everything seemed a bit rushed.
Descriptions were okay, but I'm sure you'll get better.


I hope this useful, also thanks again for faving my story, This is actually the first time I tried to review a story.

This review was brought to you by the Authors Helping Authors group.

Grammar score: 8/10

Pros:
-The feels
-Text is fluent and easy to read
-Premise is interesting

Cons:
-What is going on?!
-Too many main characters
-Ponyville is too big

Notes:
First I was excited about this story, but then it kind of fell of because it was so confusing. First you seem to imply (and the pic does that too) that Rainbow is just a filly and this is her first day at school (at all), and that her mother is Rarity (you tell she's a fashionista, but never what she looks like). Then the mane 6 suddenly befriend each other through a series of events, and I realize only in the beginning of the 2nd chapter that they're supposed to be in high school. To further add the confusion all of the mane 6 have their separate moments, and it grows hard to relate to them because the scenes switch so suddenly.

I also find your portrayl of Ponyville weird to say at least. It's such a small town that there really isn't room for Upper and Lower Ponyville, not to even speak of having several police stations. This kind of setting would work with a bigger city like Manehattan or Fillydelphia but not really Ponyville.

But that is not say that this story has nothing going for it. While I find that too many of the mane 6 are sympathy sues, the scene with Flutters and Gilda especially was quite moving :fluttercry: I enjoyed seeing Gilda portrayed as something more than a mere bully, it was quite refreshing. However, all in all, I'd say that you should put a bit more effort in creating cohesion in the story and focus on a smaller amount of characters.

2024386 It does go to fast that is true. Also I don't think I ever implied that RD's mom was Rarity. I refer to her as an earth pony so there was no way she could be Dash. I should have been more obvious about who she is thought...her mom is G3 Rainbow. I call her Dashing in this story as a reference to her catch phrase.

They're in their last year of middle school. Rarity says that she would be starting high school next year. The idea of the second chapter was to start show little vignettes of the mane six's home life. Thought I will admit that Pinkie and Twilight's were a bit too short.:twilightblush:

Ponyville is pretty big in my story you're right. It is kind of odd, but hopefully it won't be anything gamebreaking.

Yeah they did kind of lay on their life problems on a bit thick.

Thank you! I thought that the Fluttershy scene was the best part of the second chapter myself.:twilightsmile:

I can't say that the story will focus on a smaller set of characters, but I will try to work on cohesion.

Thaks for the review!:pinkiesmile:

2021981 I did rush towards the end and in hindsight that was a terrible idea. I'm going to make sure not to rush anything for chapter 3.

I like stories with a good balance of dark and light moments so hopefully that shines through.

Thanks for the review!:yay:

HOLY BUCK! BY THE GODS!!!! This wrirting is seriously amazing, very, very detailed and really in-depth, I very much enjoyed it, damn. I'm 110% down for this, you three really did a very amazing job, you should feel so proud of yourselves, I'm hoping Derpy will be in this at some point:twilightsmile:

And Rarilight? Ahhhh.......hmmmm..........shit, fine, oh well, but only and ONLY because this is so well written....*sigh* This is the only one of this pairing I shall read.....and only once.

2029290 T-thank you! Oh glob I said I wouldn't cry:raritycry: thank you so much!

Wow, talk about heart breaking, poor Flutter's tried to take her own life, that's new. I'm suprised that Gilda was the one to be with her, I love Gilda my third favorite villian. This story is quite dark but enjoyable wow....I don't give a shit about Rarity but it's nice to see Twilight did something, and Berry Punch is a bad ass in the story, very nice. Octavia is a bit of a bitch but it's understandabe.....wow you have my third favorite pairing (Pinkie Dash) I can't wait to see more.:twilightsmile:

2031176 I've always liked cop characters with alcohol problems so I thought why not Berry Punch?:pinkiecrazy:

PinkieDash was one of my first two MLP ships! That and AppleSpark!:pinkiehappy::heart:

2034838:rainbowlaugh: Buck yeah, I can agree with that.

Hell yeah! *brohoof* and I have no problem with that pairing at all:pinkiehappy:

I think I'll give this a peak...and not just the fact that Twi was a boss when she saved Rarity, but also it has a tsundere playing as Gilda, the best kind of Gilda in my opinion, dood.

2035173 Tsundere Gilda is indeed best gilda...baka! cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-alie.png

Dood you like Disgaea! Awesoome!!!:pinkiehappy:

Different enough to be intresting YAY PINKIE HAPPY! :pinkiehappy:

2035403 But the real question is...is Pinkie stabby?!:pinkiecrazy:

i must say i am really liking this story. its making me like pinkie even more. can't wait to see what you do with fluttershy (haven't read chapter 2 yet) here have a cookie and a yay :yay:

2036935 Thanks! Pinkie has always been one of my top two ponies.:pinkiehappy:

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