• Member Since 1st Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 22nd, 2013

TJ the Crystal Pony


Comments ( 22 )

Rather abrupt, but well written.

Nice story. I don't like rainbow dash but I'm going to be a man and rate based on quality, not content.

1884167

Could I get a bit more elaboration on what you mean by "abrupt"? I appreciate the comment and the read, but I want to know what you mean by that so I can fix it if it is an issue or becomes one. :twilightblush:

1884172
Well, I was thinking how they just started having sex out of nowhere, but the context justifies it.

Nevermind, it's all good.

1884204

I actually felt it was kind of quick too, but it is my first submission. Once I settle into my writing style I'll definitely have things lead up to it better than just a brush of the wing. :rainbowlaugh:

could be better....:derpyderp2:

1890134

How so? I really do want to improve on my writing so any tips are helpful!

1886751

I've found that never outright stating an action or a sexual area makes it that much more erotic... I don't know if this is true or not though. :rainbowlaugh:

Also the picture makes the story a foalcon misunderstanding.

It was okay. The story felt rushed though. Take more time to dwell on things and describe them. Let the reader really get into the moment.:duck:

It's good, but too fast, do more!

Me and my demented mind rather enjoyed this short fic. But there are a few problems I should adress to you. For one, everything happened way too fast. there wasn't a build up between the beginning and when RD and Scoots "Get to it"

Also, there seems to be very little in-depth detail. there's plenty of good detail but going into very small detail can make for a good story. I'd also put in more paragraphs. Indent every time when you move on to a different speaker. It doesn't just make the story look better but it's English grammar. You should also leave a space between each paragraph. It makes the story more appealing to the eye.

Like this:

Scootaloo slowly slipped her untrained hoof down to Rainbow Dash's nether regions, blue hair tickling her hoof. She had no idea how to do this but her idol didn't seem to mind. In fact, she seemed even more excited than before. Was it because she was inexperienced? Or was it something else?

"Hey kid, let me do that for you. Show you the ropes." Rainbow interrupted the small, orange filly who looked up with those innocent and unknowing eyes. The blue pegasus laid the small filly onto her back, recieving a small giggle. She instantly dropped her hoof down and rubbed Scootaloo's red and swollen lips, feeling for the little nub that would seal the deal.

Scootaloo's mouth hung open in a silent scream as these all new feelings and sensations washed over her young body, sending her stomach quaking. She felt like yelling out but all that came out was a soft moan and a cute squeal. She could feel something building up within her... it felt like she had to pee. She tried to tell Rainbow Dash to stop so she could take a break but she was cut off as something unexpected ravished her body and mind. So this is what an orgasm felt like. It was absolutely amazing. She shook and screamed as she squirted everything she had onto her idol's hoof and all over the floor beneath them. If only Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were here. Well, there's always tomorrow at the tree house.

I hoped this helped you. It helped me with my foal clop and it got me to where I am today. I would recommend that you keep on this writing hobby, because you're pretty good at it! Have an awesome day and, as always...

*Brohoof*

:pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile::pinkiehappy:

LOVE IT!!!:heart::pinkiecrazy::pinkiehappy:

You've got a good story idea. Unfortunately, it goes a little fast for my taste. I mean, you've got Rainbow Dash saying that she's always thought about Scootaloo as a little sister, and then what... they're kissing like one paragraph later? I would have liked a little bit more character development, maybe some internal conflict, or something like that.

Also, there's the paragraph issue. When writing a story, each line of dialogue by a character gets its own paragraph. That is, if Rainbow Dash says something, it's a paragraph. If Scoots replies, it's in another. Never combine two characters' dialogue into a single long paragraph; it's bad form.

I'm gonna go ahead and give this story a 6/10 and No Thumb. It's above average quality, though it didn't really impact me the way I expected a ScootaDash clopfic to. I didn't like it, but I didn't dislike it either. If one's looking for a cute ScootaDash clopfic, then they'll probably enjoy this.

I will see if you've got any other stories, though. You do have interesting ideas.

I would like to know how and why you claim this is aged up when it takes place right after an episode where Scootaloo is still obviously a foal.

You could definitely have used a better prompt. They just decide, pretty much out of nowhere, to have sex? Really?!

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