BRONY OF HEART AND I LIKE SOMETIMES READING CLOPFIC. LOL THE BEST STORIES ARE THE TEEN RATED ONES THE EXACT AMOUNT OF EROTISM AND STORY. APPLEJACK IS BEST PONY EVAAAAA.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I noticed a lot of things, but I'll only put 2.
Never put this unless it's a first person story. NEVER.
Funny or not, never a good idea to do that.
Overall, not a bad story. I haven't read a 2nd person Luna clopfic yet, so this was interesting. Maybe some revisions and it'll be great.
to much man to much.
This has A LOT of things that need work.
And I mean A LOT.
I can't give a complete review right now, and I can't offer pre-reading/editing services because of my schedule, but you should really try getting an editor.
I would recommend looking at the any of the following groups below:
!. Proofreaders and People willing to proof-read
@. Looking for Editors
#. Author Support
$. Struggling Authors
She is really strait forward, isn't she. It was really weird, but other than a few grammar mistakes, it was pretty good.
8/10
Good story but so many grammatical errors.
Get a beta reader man. I'd offer my services but I'm kinda swamped ATM.
With the way tis is written i can't help but read it in Toki Wartooth's voice from metalokalypse.
I'm sorry, I can't read this.
Ok then I like it.
This story has potential. Needs some serious revision and editing to fully blossom.
This is the perfect story i was looking like long ago, here you go.
There were so many errors in this thing that I couldn't possibly bring myself to give it a like. What's worse is that several of the major problems can be seen with a single glance, so the fact that they are still around shows you obviously didn't care enough to look over it. At all. That said, right when I was about to hit dislike, I saw this gem:
Alright, just for that moment of pure comedy, I'll refrain from giving this a dislike. That was just hilarious.
omg the cover is my avatar, get out of town!!!
MOAR!!!!
1918848 i feel you man, i feel you.
Then i lol'd
My reactions to this story in order:
That said........
It's crap..... That is all.
Ok, first of all this story has a lot of poteintial but you really have a lot of grammer mistakes im still giving you a like but this story can be made into so much more then you think. I can see were i can take this story; heartaches, denial, sadness, and a lot of romance. At the end when "I" ask can she get pregnant? She just kisses you 'in?' The lips should be on the lips; that could have mixed thoughts, she might be happy to have a foal or she knows she can't get pregnant.
Great poteintial,
XxRUSxX
Yeeeeeaaaahhhhh.... Well, no, really.
Not to sound picky or anything, but this story is kind of... Too poorly written in order for me to enjoy it in full.
I'm sure it would be a great story, but the story somewhat lacks depth and the main character just seems too shy & puts himself down too much. I mean, i'm sure there's people like that, but there's a certain point where you gotta grow at least a semblance of cajones, y'know? Maybe i'm not the most unbiased opinion in that department, though; I tend to have problems with main characters, likable or not.
Just needs a little patch up, and maybe a little revision, but other than that... Close but no cigar, that's all i'm saying.
This is a sweet storie.
The story is great but it can become better, that said you have my fave.
great story, but despite what other commenter say, seeing how myself am a horrible clop writer myself, i think you did a good job. Another reason why i don't do clop is cause a lot of people get critical about it. XD I hope people like my story when i start posting.
On a scale of "meh" to "ZOM Squeee TEH EPICNESS!!", I give it a "Yeah, mkay, mkay, dat- dat's 'li'l rough, but- nah 't's not bad at all.
there was a lot mentions of an ETERNAL love. is this possible ? can luna give him immortality ? would she ? also, during the clop scene, you switched from 'you', to 'his', like it was a change of perspective. needs some work, but still a sweet story, even if a bit too 'heartfelt'. the feels were strong, which made it a good read.
Writing needs work, story has potential.
Don't give up, though. I think you just need practice and maybe an editor.