Rainbow in the Dark

by Sayer

Chapter 2: Shopping day

Edited and revised by kalash93. Thanks for everything, pal!

Chapter 2: Shopping day

The alarm clock emitted a shrieking sound, bursting my eardrums on the process (okay, maybe not bursting, but it was still pretty loud). I raised my right hoof towards the nightstand, but I couldn’t reach it. I leaned closer to the edge of the bed and extending my hoof as far as I could before losing my balance. I fell face first onto the wooden floor. Lovely. The pain stung every bit of my face in an awful throbbing, which gradually faded away.

The shock of pain was good for one thing; I was definitely awake. I looked at my unfamiliar surroundings. “Where am I?” That’s when I remembered that this wasn’t my old place in Hollow Shades. A torrent of realization crashed against my thick head. “Oh, yeah, I’m in Ponyville now.” The party last night must have dragged longer than I thought. That’s when I realized that something was off. “Wait a minute; I don’t even have a clock. What the hell is making that noise?”

Following the sound, I stumbled into the kitchen, devoid of any furniture except the sink and some empty cupboards. A pair of windows allowed me to see outside, but all I could see was a distant forest. It was boring, but much nicer to look at than a dilapidated industrial park. That’s when I looked to my left and I finally found the damned clock with a note underneath its feet. I deactivated alarm and looked at the letter curiously. The writing was pretty and tidy; probably written by a unicorn, because only unicorns have the magic needed to precisely control a quill. The writer also had to be a mare, because no stallion habitually scrawled anything in dainty calligraphy. Besides, I didn’t meet any stallions in Ponyville.

“Good morning, sleepyhead. I hope you managed to find this note. Well, if you’re reading this, then it means that you found it, right? Sorry, I don’t even know why I’m writing this down. If you need help, then I’ll be glad to help you. I marked a place on your map where you can get some furniture for your new home. I also marked where the library is. If you want to drop by, then don’t hesitate. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” I knew it. A grin appeared on my face.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the signature. “My faithful student? Does she always sign her notes like this or what?” I said to myself, quickly followed by my stomach growling to bring my attention. My belly is a harsh mistress. “I’ll get to the library later, but first, I really need to get some food before I keel over.”

After finishing my morning routine of bathing and such, I took my map and some bits before heading into the town to visit the store Twilight mentioned. I had done my best to memorize the map, but living in a new place wasn’t an easy task, and my poor sense of direction didn’t help. I asked a fuchsia mare with a golden mane for directions, and she thankfully obliged. The ponies in this town sure are nice.

The store was vaguely shaped like a giant carousel, but there were no signs identifying it as one. I mean, who designs a shop to resemble a foals’ ride? I walked up to the door, but since I didn’t know the local customs, I nervously knocked thrice on the door frame and stood slightly off to the side.

This was fortunate, for within seconds, the door opened swiftly. To my surprise I didn’t find an adult on the other side, but instead I was greeted by a filly unicorn with green eyes and a pristine white coat. Her curled mane was painted with grayish mulberry and soft rose. Just when I thought Fluttershy to be obnoxiously adorable, there came this filly to replace her. I noticed she didn’t have a Cutie Mark, but I quickly diverted my gaze away. She almost certainly wasn’t the owner, unless a filly was allowed to start her own business.

Silence. I went first. “Excuse me, is the owner here?”

Her response was quick. “Yes, one moment please.” I expected her to go inside and bring the owner, but instead she turned her head around and shouted into the boutique, “Rarity, there’s a stallion asking for you!” Did she just squeak her words? How was that even possible?

Wait, did she just say “Rarity”? No bucking way, I thought to myself. I resisted the impulse to ask the filly if she was part of a union.

A voice replied from the inside. “Just a moment, dear!” The sound of hooves clopping against the floor grew louder with each step, announcing her arrival. “Excuse me, I was a bit busy sewing a dress for a very important client.” She swatted the air with her hoof. “Never mind that. How can I help you, darling? It’s because of that old bed I gifted you? You don’t like it?” She’s such a drama queen. Ugh!

“No, the bed is fine, thanks.” I had never been treated with such delicacy in my entire life. I suddenly felt like somepony important. “I wanted to buy some furniture, and Twilight mentioned your store.” Her ears pricked up when I mentioned Twilight.

“Don’t worry, dear. Twilight always knows what’s best for everypony,” she replied as she gently waved her curly mane. I couldn’t grasp how many hours of hard work she would need to polish her mane. “Why, yes, I have what you’re looking for. Enter, please.” Rarity then turned her head to talk with the little filly, who had remained silent during our conversation. “Sweetie Belle, why don’t you go and play with your friends while I find something suitable for this gentlecolt?”

Sweetie Belle gave a shrill squeal and leapt into the air. “Yeah! Cutie Mark Crusaders, go!” She quickly ran away, as if a pack of Timber Wolves was chasing her.

I was at a loss for words. “Cutie Mark Crusaders? What the hay is that?” I followed Rarity inside the Boutique, closing the door behind us. The first floor was occupied by the business, but also featured a kitchen and living spaces. Of course, the exterior walls were curved.

On the way, Rarity answered my questions. “It’s some kind of club she formed with some of her friends. She says that the group was formed to find their Cutie Marks, but to no avail. But I don’t mind as long as they don’t get near my boutique.” In that case, why didn’t she strictly segregate between the business and home by putting them on separate floors? I guessed that her talent did not extend to organization or logic.

“I see.” That was all I could reply. After all, I got mine fairly late. I distinctly remember that I earned it for doing something that I had already long enjoyed and was good at.

The store was dominated by pink and purple, making a comfortable color scheme. Curtains everywhere and a stand with three mirrors where I could see my own reflection, realizing how much I contrasted in this place. Unlike the living spaces, all was quite orderly. A few mannequins were placed on different spots of the room, with one of them standing in front of the stairs to the upper floor. It was otherwise completely bare.

I was amazed by the vibrant design. This was the first time I had visited a place that wasn’t painted in dull colors and without taste. It’s the kind of thing that happens when you grow up in an industrial town. “Wow, this place looks very fancy. Did you work on the design?” I said.

“Why, yes. Thank you. I can’t remember the last time somepony said anything about my store.” Really? Wow, these ponies aren’t impressed by something like this? “I have everything in the back.” An aura of light blue magic enveloped one of the curtains and pushed it aside, revealing a door frame hiding behind. “I keep them hidden from plain sight because I don’t want to give the image of a disordered pony.” Her tone of voice hinted how obsessed she was with giving a good image to the other ponies. And was it just me, or did she seem to be picking up a hint of a Trottingham accent? The Element of Generosity seemed to be a slave to public opinion. “It’s been a long time since anypony visited my store without ordering a new dress. But have no fear; the quality of my products is excellent.” Rarity sounded almost conceited.

The room was shrouded in darkness; I couldn’t see in front of my nose until Rarity turned the lights on and its contents were revealed to me. No wonder it was kept dark and hidden. There were a few copies of everything scattered all over the place; tables, chairs, beds and closets. But what especially brought my attention was the mountain of couches stacked in one corner of the room, all of them sharing the same design.

I had the need to point it out. “Wow, that’s a lot of sofas…” Truthfully, I was more reminded of how a collector might stash away their most prized coins.

“Do you like them? I use them for my emergencies,” she asked. Emergencies? Either she ran a storage business, or provided special services to stallions. I changed the subject of our conversation to why I was here before I made a bad dirty joke about it.

The prices were outrageous! I had no idea that I’d been getting ripped off by retailers my entire life. After a few negotiations I bought a pair of chairs, a dining table and one couch from her personal collection. She offered me a wardrobe for my clothes, but I declined her offer since I wouldn’t need a whole wardrobe just one outfit. Rarity assured me that I would receive them this afternoon without a scratch via PonyEx, a reputable delivery company. And get this, it was also run by Ponyville locals. How provincial! Once we were finished, I paid and thanked Rarity for her help. And then I went on the prowl for breakfast. I hadn’t planned on buying furniture before eating, but I felt even less like backtracking.

The market looked like nothing I had ever seen before in my old town. The place was full of ponies trading between them and the atmosphere was very nice and comfortable, and even better, there was no armed security to be seen anywhere. The market was a bit noisy, though, but it was tranquil compared to my old neighbors who insisted on blasting dubtrot early in the morning. I strolled around the market in search of some food and useful items when I was stopped by a talking bow with a red mane.

Upon closer inspection, I saw that it was just a yellow filly. What was it with the local fillies and businesss? Her western accent was unmistakable, sounding like a juvenile version of Applejack’s unmistakable twang. “Howdy,” she greeted. “Y’want some apples, mister? We just finished harvesting them!” Mister? That’s a fair sight better than my usual epithets. She appeared to be approximately as old as Sweetie Belle. Maybe she was one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders?

I was curious, and since I was going to buy food anyway, I asked her. “Apples? Yeah, I’d like some. How much do they cost?”

“Two bits an apple, sir!” She replied gleefully. Was she trying to rob me?

“Wait, what? Isn’t that a bit expensive?” Did she think this was Canterlot?

The filly opened her mouth, but stopped cold as another familiar voice came from somewhere behind me. “Of course it’s expensive! Now, Apple Bloom, ah already told ya it’s a bit for an apple!” Apple Bloom hung her head as Applejack trotted around me and took up position in the stall. “Sorry for that, mister. My sister is still learning how to handle the business of the Apple family.” Applejack glared at her sister.

“Your sister? Interesting… I just visited Rarity and met her sister, too. I think she’s called Sweetie Belle.”

Apple Bloom forced her way into the conversation. “Yeah, Sweetie Belle is my friend, and there’s Scootaloo, too! The three of us together formed the Cutie Mark Crusaders to find our talents,” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “We have a reunion today and they agreed to come and find me before starting.”

“I remember that she shouted something about some crusaders, but I didn’t know what was about,” I replied.

“Ya’ll didn’t hear of us before? We’re scattered all over Equestria,” Apple Bloom exclaimed. I doubted that.

Applejack replied with a deadpan expression, “The only member outside of Ponyville is your cousin Babs Seed from Manehattan.” Figures.

“Yeah, but it’s a start. She’ll help us find more members for our group,” the yellow filly replied.

“Obviously, it’s a real phenomenon,” I replied sarcastically. My stomach painfully twinged again, prompting me to get what I’d come for. I turned to Applejack. “Before I leave, I’d like to buy three of your best apples, please.”

“Not a problem, partner.” She placed three apples in my saddlebag with care. “If ya ever want more, we got orchards full of ‘em at Sweet Apple Acres.”

I generously paid her five bits. “Keep the change, and thanks for everything.” She bowed her hat and said that I would always be welcome if I ever wanted more apples. I left the market, returning for the peaceful solitude of my home to wait for the delivery. Rarity had told me that it’d be along that afternoon, as unlikely as that seemed, but it’s not like I had anything better to do. After that, I’d probably go to the library and read some books, since I left my collection back home. The weight combined of all my belongings would have crushed me.

Once back inside my home, I carefully deposited my saddlebags in the atrium. Next, I headed straight to my room and leapt into bed and rolled around a few times before I realized that I had nothing to do, and that I certainly was not going to get any more sleep. Then I remembered that I still had my things stored inside my suitcase like my Walkmane, comics, books and a lot of junk that would make the wait less boring.

After searching through my belongings, I took out the Walkmane and looked at all the music I had brought with me. It was just a modest collection, but I was really proud of what I had gathered so far, and I had planned for a lot of expansion once I had bits to spare. I checked my collection of cassettes like Iron Mare, Hooves and Roses, Megaspell, Poniez, Saddleton, Blue Berets and others. I grabbed Ride the Rainbow by Maretallica and got settled down for a nice long jam session over what was probably technically lunch. I then took one of my fresh apples took a bite. What I did was taste was nothing short of absolute perfection! In a matter of seconds, I had devoured the apple; not even the core survived. After waiting a few more hours, somepony knocked on the door. I quickly got up and opened the door, glad that I would finally have some diversion.

As soon as I opened the door, I was greeted by a group of two ponies. The first one was a gray pegasus mare with blonde hair and yellow eyes looking at opposite directions, and her partner was a ludicrously muscular stallion with comically small wings. I got a blind friend called Bright Eyes – a very unfitting name – so I understood and held my tongue. But as for the ripped stallion, I couldn’t resist a jab at him. “Is this a delivery or an anti-steroid PSA?” They laughed, breaking the tension.

“Good morning, sir!” The pegasus exclaimed. It was already mid afternoon, but it didn’t matter. “I have a delivery for somepony called…” She pulled out a clipboard as her eyes frantically searched through all the names written. “Brony, was it?”

The other pegasus peered over her shoulder and corrected her, “That’s Brownie.” He looked up at me. “Sorry about that, Brownie.” At the point, the grey mare cut in.

“I’m Hooves. Derpy Hooves. At your service!” Her eyes rolled around in their sockets, which I took as a sign that she was trying to focus on me. “Here’s your delivery, sir.” She pointed to a big cart containing all the things I bought from Rarity. “My partner, Roid Rage, will place the furniture, so you don’t have to worry.”

“YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!” The white pegasus exclaimed. The sun was momentarily darkened by flocks of startled birds vaulting into the sky. He carried two pieces of furniture as if they were clouds and went –or should I say, flied - inside the house. I’m not certain how he managed to fly with those tiny wings, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

“Wow, your partner is amazing. With those muscles, even one kick from him could send me to the moon.”

Derpy turned her attention from the clipboard to me. “I know, right? He looks scary, but he’s a really good friend. It’s a matter of knowing him. Besides, he helped me a lot since that accident when I dropped a delivery.” Her voice trailed off.

“That doesn’t sound so bad. I mean, dropping something from the carriage wouldn’t break any piece of furniture.”

“Well, the truth is that I dropped it from the sky.” Ouch. “And by ‘it’ I mean an anvil, a piano and a carriage full of hay.” And I thought that I was a force of destruction after that incident with the skateboard and the fire extinguisher. Her eyes parted in different ways again. “Luckily nothing bad happened. Just a few injuries, but fortunately nothing too serious, so instead of firing me out I got reassigned to work on the ground.” Why did I get the horrible suspicion that this was considered completely routine for her?

“You got really lucky. In any other place they would have fired you for even less.” Still, I couldn’t believe someone survived after being crushed by all those things. Without notice, Roid Rage reappeared from behind me and went back to the carriage, getting himself ready to pull it again.

“Well, looks like our job here is done. That will be ten bits, sir.”

“Sounds fair. Thanks for everything, Derpy,” I replied as I paid her. “I’ll call you again if I need something else.” Note to self: never trust her with cooking, dishes, or knives.

“Thank you. Have a nice day.” She cordially smiled before reuniting with her partner and flying off into the distance. I, meanwhile, went back inside to see my new furniture. Needless to say, it looked astonishing; it was even better than what I had back at my old home. With nothing else to do, I decided to visit Twilight’s library and maybe borrow some books with which to while away the empty hours.

As I went through the town, I expected to see Pinkie Pie popping out from a corner in any moment, but she didn’t appear. Guess that if I could think of that, then it would be too obvious for that crazy mare. I watched ponies come and go as I walked through the streets, but the one that caught my attention were a mint colored unicorn using some kind of weird machine that only allowed her to stand on her rear legs. I thought that was weird, but nopony else raised an eyebrow or even looked at her; maybe that was like her usual routine, even though I couldn’t grasp what kind of routine could be. Did I mention that all the ponies in this town are probably crazy?

When I arrived at the library, I couldn’t help but feel amazed by the structure. I knew something about tree houses, but I never thought I would see a house tree; or library in this case. Seriously, what was up with the architects in this town? I strolled through the door and took a gander at the inside. The library had been carved from the living tree, with countless books resting on endless shelves and a stump resting in the center of the room, probably serving as a table. The only living creature inside was a small dragon with purple scales and a green dorsal ridge. I had never seen a dragon before, but I was glad that this one didn’t seem very mean or hungry.

The dragon turned his head around and fixed his eyes on me. The pupils were not rounded, unlike ponies, but long and thin. It had a definitely male voice. He called, “Twilight, there’s somepony in the library! Come down!” the dragon shouted. The sound of hooves clashing against the wooden floor announced the arrival of Twilight Sparkle.

“There’s no need to scream, Spike,” she chastised. She spoke to him like a mother would to a child, but I’d rather not think too hard about it. Twilight looked me in the eyes. “I guess that you found the note, right?”

“Yeah, it was impossible to miss. By the way, what was all that about ‘Your faithful student’? I’m not a teacher.” I couldn’t help but show a small grin.

Hearing those words had the reaction of turning her face red like a tomato. “Sorry, it’s a bit of a habit. It’s how I always sign my letters for Princess Celestia.”

“So all those rumors about you sending letters to Princess Celestia is true after all?” A lot of rumors out there said that Twilight always talked with the Princess via letters, but I didn’t believe them. After all, they’re rumors and most ponies thought the Elements of Harmony were living in Canterlot like the Royal Family. Why would they write to each other? “I also didn’t know that you had a dragon. I’ve never seen one before; well, at least not a living one.”

“His name is Spike- my number one assistant. Don’t worry about him, he’s perfectly harmless,” she replied.

“Yeah,” he added. “The ones from the Dragon Realms are really nasty. I’m not like them at all.” He seemed overly anxious to establish that he was civilized and safe without me even broaching the subject. What kind of jerk did he think I was?

“So, how’s been your first day in Ponyville?” Twilight asked me.

“It’s been great so far, and everypony here was very nice with me. I got new furniture from your friend, Rarity, bought some apples from Applejack, and met a mare called Derpy Hooves. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot about Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, the members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. What do they do, exactly?”

Twilight launched into a recap of what Applejack and Rarity had told me. “That’s a group they created to find their special talents, but it usually ends in a failed attempt at whatever they try. There was one time where they acted in front of their school and won a Comedy Award.” Not bad.

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

She clarified, “It was supposed to be a musical.” If it had happened to me, I wouldn’t know if I should be happy for winning or sad because it wasn’t what I had expected. “But that didn’t stop them, and they keep trying day after day until they get one or get bored.” Bored was probably the default state in this town.

“Did nopony tell them that a Cutie Mark appears when you realize your real talent instead of just spinning the roulette and seeing what happens?” It was worth a shot.

“We tried everything, so in the end we resorted to the ‘let them be and wait until they get a Cutie Mark’ plan. It works so far.”

“Of course it’ll work; it’ll happen eventually.” I changed the subject of our conversation to why I was here. “So, what do you have in stock here? Do you have Daring Do?”

“Why, yes I do. They’re on that shelf,” she replied as she pointed to one of the shelves. “It’s the entire saga. I even have the newest one, Daring Do and the Temple of Nightmare Moon.”

I lit up excitedly. “You already have the tenth one? I can’t believe it!” I quickly ran to the shelf and grabbed the book, examining the cover like Daring Do when she found the Griffon’s Goblet. “This book isn’t supposed to be on shelves until the next month! How did you get it?”

Twilight bemusedly admitted, “Well, being a famous pony does have its advantages…”

I chuckled back. “Yeah, I can see that. Do you mind if I read it?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Of course. After all, it’s a library.” And the winner of The Dumbest Question Ever Asked award is me. “You’re allowed to read as much as you want.”

I took a seat on the round table and placed the book in front of me. I was so excited that I got to read it before it had even been officially released! I just had to savor every moment of it; however, before I could open the book, a new visitor entered the library. I didn’t pay attention and continued to read. I stopped when a familiar voice reached my ears.

“Dammit, I was late!” I turned my head around, coming face to face with Rainbow Dash. “I wanted to be the first pony to read the new Daring Do!” Sorry, too late. I got here first.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you liked to read Daring Do.” Rainbow Dash reading a book? Now that’s something new. “But don’t worry; it won’t take me too long. After all, I’m a very fast reader.”

“A fast reader? Right.” The sarcasm was strong with this one. “Oh please, everypony says that.”

I shot back, “Well, I’m telling you the truth. I learned to read books in less than a week. Or at least that’s what my mother says.” I could hear a faint chuckle escaping from her lips. I had just won the Worst Comeback in History award. Man, I was really on a roll today.

“Really? Prove it! Let’s see how quickly you can finish the book. And don’t try to cheat, because I’ll know it.”

“You’re challenging me, right?” She nodded as a raging fire appeared in her eyes. This mare really loved to prove herself as not only the fastest flier in Equestria, but also as the best pony at everything she did. I knew that Rainbow wouldn’t leave me alone until I was done, so I just went along with her challenge. There were worse things than being near a beautiful mare.

“Hey, Twilight,” she called. “Brownie and me are going to see who can read this book the fastest. The winner gets to take the book home first. Care to ref?”

Her friend sighed, “Oh, fine, Rainbow. I’ll judge.” Her horn shimmered and a clock zoomed to the unicorn’s hoof.

Presently, the race began. I went first.

Normally, I initially read books at a rapid pace and then I read them again to discover details I missed, but this wouldn’t be one of those times. I did my best to speed read, scanning each page as quickly as possible to show her that I could really do it. After racing through all the pages and memorizing everything I could, I closed the book and let out a sigh of relief. Twilight marked my time on a piece of paper.

Rainbow Dash seemed suitably impressed. “Well, you’re not a slow reader, I’ll give you that.” I didn’t know if she was praising me or using sarcasm. “Now sit and watch how the fastest pony of all of Equestria reads. I’ll be done in ten seconds flat.”

Rainbow Dash certainly was a fast reader, making me doubtful that I would manage to surpass her. The library was almost silent aside of the sounds from a ticking clock and rustling pages. After Rainbow Dash had finished, Twilight looked to her paper as we waited for the results. I didn’t care one bit, since all I wanted to do was read the book but Rainbow Dash, on the other hoof, was visibly anxious to know the results. She couldn’t stay still, always looking around nervously and with her wings stuck out as if she were about to take flight.

For a brief moment, I was tempted to touch her outstretched wings. The feathers looked so delightfully soft, like bits of cloud. Surely it couldn’t hurt to just lightly caress one with my muzzle, or maybe accidentally-on-purpose brush it with my side. What harm could it do to have just a little feel? And it was attached to such a gorgeous creature. I knew I was staring and I didn’t care in the slightest. I vaguely remember hoping that nopony noticed that I was completely wingstruck.

Because I had grown up in an earth pony town, I never knew many pegasi. The community was so remote, and all the jobs called for either earth pony with great strength or unicorns with exceptional magic; fliers weren’t much in demand. The only pegasi I regularly saw were weather controllers, and because we only got coverage thanks to our inclusion in Hoofton County I almost never got to see them up close.

I was snapped back into reality by a feminine voice. I startled! Fortunately, nopony noticed that I had been absent. Rainbow’s wings folded, the anticipation torturing for her. “Alright, I have the results. Rainbow Dash, your time is one hour and fifty-two minutes.”

“Aww yeah! I told you that I would win! Of course, it’s natural since I’m the fastest pony in Equestria.” Unless she’d suddenly developed telepathy, then she was being presumptuous. Her wings flared briefly, until Twilight told her to settle down so that my time could be announced. Why bother?

Twilight Sparkle read the results without emotion. “And Brownie, your time is one hour and thirty-four minutes, so that makes you the winner as the fastest reader.” Exactly who did you say is the fastest pony in Equestria, Rainbow?

POMF! I nearly got an eyeful of feathers! “Wait- what that can’t be right! Are you sure that you didn’t change our times or something?” Rainbow Dash was visibly angry, and for a moment I even thought that her mane was on fire.

Twilight hardly seemed affected by the display. “I’m sorry, but I already checked it a few times. Besides, you’re getting angry only because he can read more quickly than you. Didn’t you learn your lesson during the Running of the Leaves?“

Rainbow slowed down a bit. Her wings folded. “Yeah, but…” She took a deep breath and calmed herself before speaking again. “Sorry. It’s just that I hate losing, and I never lost to anypony aside of Applejack.” Given that Applejack was alive today meant that I probably wasn’t going to turn up in a ditch one morning.

I tried to make her feel better. “Sorry. I didn’t really want to beat you. I just wanted to show you that I wasn't bluffing. I mean, if you want we can say that you’re the fastest reader of the two.” Why can’t I speak to this pony?

She looked back at me, with an expression of disbelief. “Would you really do that for me?”

“Yeah, I don’t really mind. I don’t want to get a prize, and besides, nopony would think I managed to outpace the fastest pony in Equestria when it comes to reading a book.” That was a very stupid achievement, but since it seemed so important for her, I gladly gave up.

She shook her head and smiled. “Thanks for the offer, but you can keep it. I’d rather win because I can really do it.” She placed her right hoof over my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes as heat rushed to my face. Thank Celestia that my coat is so dark. “But thanks for the offer. You know, it’s hard to find somepony that can give me a real challenge. Let’s do this again when the next one comes out.”

I controlled my voice carefully. “Alright, then. I’ll wait for it.” I was almost trembling.

A big smile spread through her face as she nodded her head before leaving the library. I couldn’t help but glance at her plot before I realized what I was doing, quickly diverting my eyes away. Fortunately, neither she nor Twilight seemed to notice. I thanked Celestia for that, because I would have died of embarrassment.

I quickly departed for home as I tried to contain my excitement and nervousness from not only having been able to talk to Rainbow Dash without panicking too badly, but being able to beat her in a contest of speed. As I lay down on my bed, I couldn’t help but think about how lucky I was before falling into a deep slumber. Not bad for a boring day.

Author's Note:

And that's the end of chapter 2. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing. Thanks for my editor kalash93 for helping me to correct and fix any grammar mistakes.

Comments

[SackboyCA]

Well played my friend

[LostInSpace]

Very nice start. This has alot of potential, keep up the good work!

[kalash93]

Well done. I certainly enjoyed your chapter. This is a definite improvement over the first one.

The characterization is improved. You also added action with the dialogue, so it no longer feels like ponies are talking in a void. Overall, quite solid. I wouldn't call it fantastic, but it certainly kept me engaged and reading. Your spelling and mechanics are >9004x better than before, but there are still at least two glaring errors. All the memes, references, and jokes made this quite enjoyable. Add in more of those in the future.

I must, however, give you a critique rather than a literary blowjob. You need to change how you do your dialogue. It always begins with the words before we know who the speaker is. Using the exact same format for every single bit of speech is monotonous and makes the paragraphs somewhat roll together. More than once, I found myself realizing that the speaker had changed and I hadn't noticed. You can introduce dialogue with narration. For example: ""Rainbow, I love you, but you're being ridiculous!" I wasn't letting this slide. I wasn't going to uproot my only recently-settled life just for her manic dreams of joining the Wonderbolts." could be retold as, "I wasn't happy with this turn of events; she had just joined the wonderbolts. She was ecstatic, but there was no way that I could follow her on the road. "Rainbow, I love you, but you're being ridiculous!" I wasn't letting this slide." You should be able to understand the difference and how to apply it.

Another problem is the way that Rainbow Dash speaks. She is too verbose and precise. Her vernacular is rather casual and brief. She doesn't do a whole lot of explaining. She will give a justification, but she won't explain unless she must explain. She uses no more words than necessary to accomplish the objective.

I can't wait to get more.

EDIT: You don't need to justify yourself with a length author note. It's not like you're suddenly writing crack out of nowhere.

[Sayer]

1994449 Well, I'm glad to see that I managed to overcome all the problems from chapter 1. I'll try to fix that problem when I write chapter 3.

[Joy Stick]

And now we wait...

[kalash93]

1995167

There are other criticisms that will need to be given. Some things, such as plot, characterization, pacing, and so on, can only be evaluated after a story is well underway. It is still too early to say anything about those. I'm going to need one more chapter, if not two chapters, before I can really evaluate them. It is possible to make a story which has a weak overall narrative, but has strong individual installments. It is possible to make a story with strong overall narrative that has weak individual installments. You ought to try to get some sort of significant story or character arc going no later than the fourth chapter. And make plans; you just need to have a general outline of what is going to happen and what will be done. The first time I ever wrote fanfic, I charged right in without any forethought whatsoever. Before I knew what was happening, I was stuck in an arc that I had no means of resolving, with a story that was going nowhere, with characters who were already completely explored.

Try to get your story split into an act structure. Act 1 is the initial setup. Act 2 is the buildup to the drama. Act 3 is when the big problem comes. Act 4 is dealing with the issues. Act 5 is resolving the plot. Or you could just do this is a thee act structure like a television episode. Act 1 sets up the story. Act 2 is the characters faced with adversity. Act 3 is solving the problem. If you could split each act into three parts with approximately ~3000 words each, then that would be good. It would give you enough length to tell a deep story without taking too long and getting bogged down in anything. If you follow this model, then get the romantic relationship started next chapter so that you can get to the core conflict of the series. Brownie Pudding wants Rainbow Dash, but how is he going to win her? It's your task to tell us how while keeping us entertained.

[CutieMarkChallenged]

You said wing instead of win after the reading contest. Other than that, and the parts where I felt the urge to hit my head on a brick wall, I rather liked it.