Clopfic spinoff
Warning - Not Safe For Work: Through the prism.
Brownie and Rainbow have been dating for a long time now, and have become very close. Rainbow Dash feels like it's time to take another step, so she calls Brownie to her house to have sex with him for the first time.
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2894413 Done.
Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors here. I'll be dropping a review for this fic soon. Do not worry.
2942956 Thank you
2993989 That's what I would call a downer ending
Kalash93 with your return review for Authors Helping Authors, I apologize for the inhumanely long wait.
Grammatik: 7 -- Apart from occasional minor errors, the story is grammatically sound for the most part.
Pros:
1. Solid character development occurred throughout the story.
2. You got better as a writer as the story progressed.
3, Brownie is a likable protagonist.
Cons:
1. Pacing was inconsistent.
2. The writing can be clunky.
3. Your syntax is occasionally weird.
Comments:
Congratulations on writing your first multipart story all the way to the finish. I like how Brownie grew and developed throughout the story. You took a first person protagonist in an OCxCC fic, and turned him into a complex character. Brownie began as a lonely smartass with a chip on his shoulder and a massive inferiority complex. He ended the story as a much nicer and more pleasant character. Well done for that. Your writing improved as the story went along, the style becoming more pleasant to read, as well as using more showing instead of telling. You switched to longer sentences that flowed together. Brownie is a great protagonist. He is a likable underdog whom the reader wants to see succeed. He is a core strength of the story. Congratulations on making a good character this early in your career. Mechanic Wrench is an interesting side original character, and I enjoyed the relationship she had with Brownie, where she seemed to take a role not too unlike a big sister. I have no complaints about characterization.
The story had inconsistent pacing. Much of the middle story felt like filler. Chapters three through six are the worst offenders, dragging out the story. While they allow character development, there is little feeling of value or progression. That's roughly half the story gone to waste. The front half of the story features shockingly little Rainbow Dash, causing much of the romance arc to be crammed into the final three chapters. We talked about this in development, so the worst of that was minimized, but it feels less fulfilling and less natural than a romance that took up more space. I am glad that you took it to only the first kiss at the ending. At least Rainbow and Brownie make a cute couple. Your writing can be clunky. A few sentences towards the beginning just felt horribly awkward, but nothing really made me cringe. Brownie occasionally speaks oddly, and your narration sometimes has strange constructions and word choice. English is not your native language, and these almost entirely vanished by the midpoint of the story. It was not enough to distract from my enjoyment.
I enjoyed reading the story this second time through after months of not touching it, because I was your editor, so I needed to distance myself from it to evaluate it as a reader. And do you know what? The fic started out just passable, but got consistently better with each chapter. This is a good thing, but makes it somewhat hard to rate. You have potential as a writer, but you will need a lot of time, practice, and editors, to realize that potential. I really have difficulty deciding on how to grade your fic. A big saving grace was that the length of the story allowed for bonding with the the characters and watching them grow, and character development is something I definitely look for in stories. Ultimately, I think that you win 7/10 flutteryays, which is noticeably better than average, but nothing special. The average is 5/10 flutteryays.
I hope you enjoyed your review and will continue to write.
3073100 Thank you for this review. I agree 100% with everything you said, and specially about the pacing. I was so focused on writing 8 chapters to make a good story rather than a mediocre one in 16 that I fucked up my pacing so I could deliver a story in such a short length. I promise that the sequel will be even better
After months of being kicked off the computer, I'm back on. I got your Gmail, so expect to hear from me :)
Tvtropes page? Damn. How do you get one?
3489297 I got an account. I was bored and did it myself
3491513 Oh. That easy?
3492440 Everything is easy if you know how to do it.
3496249 I figured the admins of the site had some sort of approval code for things, where they have to be at least (insert amount here) popular to get a page, and that when you made one, they would run it through for approval before making it public. Guess TVTropes is less strict than I thought.
3496813 I asked them about the same issue, and they told me that as long as there's material for tropes, you can start a page of anything, be it good, bad, famous or rare as a golden shit.
3500799 Sweet.
3817538 I think you chose the wrong fic to talk about this, but I'll reply anyway.
1- I thought it would make sense if she was wearing her dress shortly after the coronation.
2- I wrote this before S4, but as you can see at the start of the first episode, her friends go back to Ponyville and Twilight stays in Canterlot.
3- I never mentioned that in any of my stories, and it was confirmed that she wouldn't be immortal.
3828499 Nah, they said it wouldn't happen. We don't want the little girls watching the show to think they can be immortal, right?
3832083 I don't think she's immortal either. I mean, there's a reason Celestia and Luna are never shown with a coltfriend, husband nor are there any mention of any past relationships.
3844557 I wrote that fic before EQG even aired in the cinemas. Problem is, my editor was very busy and we couldn't release it until S4 was already airing the double digits episodes.
3847170 Eeeyup. Now let's celebrate with a party. And cider. Lots and lots of cider.
4380880 I've been avoiding it since I read the title. Mostly to avoid acting like an idiot, which will probably happen because I think it's gonna be the same or worse than the S3 finale
....DIO!!!!!!
5059228 DIOOOOOOOO!!!!! mcpictures.wikispaces.com/file/view/jojofirst.JPG/279240756/jojofirst.JPG
5069407 yeah! Holly diver
Alright story, but I do agree with the comment below, they were way too quick to throw him under the bus for an understandable mistake. I mean this guy helped them with their issues with Twilight and they repay him by just completely shunning him :(. I guess I could understand Rainbow being a little pissed off, but the others should of tried to understand his side of the story and support him getting back together with her, that would of been a little more believable. Anyways, like I said decent story but that part could of been better written in my opinion. Oh well, its been awhile since this story was published so its not like you are gonna change it now lol. Keep up the good work.