Edited and revised by kalash93. Thanks for everything, pal!
Chapter 1: Welcome to Ponyville
I found myself waking up from a deep slumber inside a blue train car with white seats. Crimson curtains hung in front of the window, blocking my view of the outside. I took this train about two days ago, making thousands of stops and watching ponies coming and leaving all the time until I was the only one left. The car was wholly empty and lifeless besides me, my belongings, and a few bits I had saved up to find a new home.
I put on my glasses and rose out of my seat, blinking a few times to adapt my eyes to the darkness of the car before heading to one of the windows. I opened one of the curtains, only to find total darkness as if the train had been swallowed and was now placed inside the belly of a dragon. Looking upwards, I couldn't find any stars from Luna's mantle until the sun shined again. It was then I realized that we had been passing through Saddle Lightning mountain, which was underneath Canterlot.
“Well, that means that Ponyville is a few hours of travel. It’s about time.” My voice echoed inside the car, reverberating and fading into oblivion. I was talking to myself, like countless times before.
I headed straight to the bathroom and spent a few minutes trying to open the damned door. These round doorknobs weren't designed for Earth Ponies, forcing me to use my mouth to open it. Cold metal’s taste shocked my tongue. Gross. Once inside, I took off my glasses and filled the sink with water until it rose to an acceptable level and submerged my face in the sink for a few seconds, resurfacing in search of air. I felt fresh and renewed as the last stragglers raced across my mouth towards their demise.
I looked in the mirror. It spat back the image of a half-asleep pony with glasses, a brown coat and a spiky black mane. Two brown eyes were staring back but I quickly looked away, focusing on my favorite Iron Mane t-shirt and stopping at the blue jeans that kept my Cutie Mark hidden.
When I returned to my seat, I found a pony sitting in front of my place. She was a purple unicorn with a lavender mane featuring a band of purple and pink stripes. My unexpected companion was reading a book about Equestrian history. I tried to see her Cutie Mark, but a saddlebag blocked my view and I wasn't in the mood for talking to strangers.
She had probably gotten on board during the last stop while I was in the bathroom, I thought to myself. I tried to sleep again so that the rest of the travel wouldn't feel so long and boring, but I was quickly interrupted.
"Excuse me; are you going to Ponyville, too?"
I sat up and opened my eyes. I quickly noticed the book placed on the seat besides hers, now free to focus all of her attention on me.
“Yeah… Why do you want to know that?” I was a bit irritable after spending the last two days travelling aboard the train and being confined to the uncomfortable seats around the clock.
“Well, I was curious because I’m heading there, too. Are you looking for a job?”
A grin crossed my face. “You must be some sort of psychic.” Silence- damn! So much for humor. “I'm moving out of my parents' home and I was told that Ponyville is a nice place to live," I replied. “I'm guessing that you're coming back home because none of those rich ponies would leave their mansions unless it's for a party at another.”
The mare was giving me a seriously odd look. "Wow, you have some..." She shrugged, trying to find an answer. "You have some interesting ideas about the rich."
My old grudge came to the surface. I exploded. “Well, the rich haven’t worked a single day. All they do is spend the money they inherited from their fathers after wasting their entire lives to make an empire, only to have their descendants come and start wasting their money on throwing parties while they exploit those who work in their factories.” I really should see a therapist.
“Not all of them are like that. I mean, yeah, most of them like parties. But a lot of them do a lot of important work. Princess Celestia is always busy, having to control the sun and the whole country. And many of the nobles are administrators, ministers, and diplomats- they don’t just sit around all day.”
I tapped my hoof on the carpet. “If she wasn’t our ruler and had to control the sun, then I bet she would attend a lot of parties. But yeah, that’s only my opinion. I don’t want to bore you with my image of the rich, miss…”
“Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle,” she replied with a smile. “I should have introduced myself earlier.”
“Oh, Twilight Sparkle…” That name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t remember why. “Twilight Sparkle- Wait a moment, I know you! You're one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony," I exclaimed. Her expression of fear and shock told me that she didn't expect such reaction. “I can’t believe it! Can I have your autograph?”
I couldn’t contain my excitement, like a colt who had received a NeighStation 3. The adventures of the Elements of Harmony were very famous in Hollow Shades, and meeting Twilight Sparkle has been the most amazing thing to have yet happened in my life. Well, maybe behind getting my Cutie Mark. Maybe.
“Certainly, it’s my pleasure. It’s very rare that someone asks me or my friends for an autograph,” she replied, taking out a pen and paper from her saddlebag. “To my greatest fan…” She stopped writing and looked back at me. “What’s your name?”
This was gonna suck. “My name, yeah… I bet you’re going to laugh when I tell you.” I looked away, remembering the laughs other ponies had gotten from jokes about my name.
Surprisingly, Twilight looked nonplussed. “Oh, don’t worry about it. We have ponies in town with weird names. Trust me, you’d be surprised.”
“If you say so…” I looked back at her and gulped very loudly. “I’m Brownie..." My voice gradually faded away as I mentioned my name, expecting to hear a laugh or some kind of joke, but that never happened.
“Brownie? That’s a nice name. I don’t see the problem,” she replied, handing me her autograph.
I raised an eyebrow and retorted, “Well, you’ve obviously never visited my hometown. Everypony there makes jokes about my name, like, 'Hey, shouldn’t you be in the bakery?'. Or they'll say, 'Yesterday, I ate your sister. I think she was called cupcake.' And it only gets worse.”
“Don’t worry, Ponyville is a great place. Yeah, when I met the ponies living there I thought they were crazy, but they’re very nice. Besides, my friends are living in Ponyville, too.”
“Wait, what? You and your friends live in Ponyville?” My surprised stare was probably priceless.
“Of course! I thought everypony already knew that.” Her amazed tone was evident in every word.
“Well, I can’t talk about others, but where I come from, nopony knows where you guys live. I always thought you’d be in Canterlot, or in a luxurious place instead of living in a small town like a normal pony,” I couldn’t believe it. One of the most famous ponies in Equestria was leading a normal life, without using her fame for her own benefit. “I mean, it’s not something bad, but if I were you I’d probably do a lot of things, like getting a big mansion, buying a lot of fancy stuff. You know, live like a fat mule. No offense to mules, of course.”
She seemed to regard this with slight curiosity. “Well, I can’t speak for my friends, but I love Ponyville and wouldn’t change it for anything.” Did I see a flash of anger, or was it just my imagination? “My friends are worth more than anything.” She was leaning forward with each word, and I knew that she was being completely candid.
“If everypony was like you, Equestria would be a lot better,” I spoke without thinking. Panicking, I realized how stupid and cliché that sounded; I couldn’t help bursting into laughter. “Sorry, I promise not to say that again.”
“Don’t worry, you’re excused," she replied with a small chuckle. “Oh yeah, before I forget, I’m in charge of the library, so if you ever need to borrow a book you’ll find me there. I hope you have a great time in Ponyville.” As if prompted, she picked up her book and started ruffling its pages.
I blurted, “I will. I mean, I met you on the train to Ponyville, and your friends are living there, too. I hope that everything is really happening instead of having a dream where I will wake up and discover that nothing happened.” Why can’t I be sensible for once in my life?
We talked all night long about her adventures since had she arrived in Ponyville and all about her friends. I couldn’t help but envy her. She was famous, with a lot of friends and a job she loved- unlike me. As the sun started to rise, I watched the silhouette of Ponyville appear on the horizon as the golden dawn brought warmth and light back to the world. This was the first day of the rest of my life.
The wheels screeched like a thousand nails on a thousand blackboards as the train stopped, savaging my eardrums in the process. The doors soon opened and I grabbed my suitcase, waving goodbye to Twilight. After asking a brown stallion with an hourglass Cutie Mark for a few directions, I managed to find the town hall. The sale negotiations had already been made, and all I had left to do was to pay the two thousand and five hundred bits to claim it.
A mare with a mane that looked suspiciously like toothpaste guided me through the process. The paperwork was quickly finished and I was handed the keys, a map and the owner’s deed. My new home was around the outskirts of the town, perhaps only fifteen minutes from the market. On my way there, I stumbled against a pink pony with puffy hair and blue eyes pulling some kind of weird carriage I had never seen before. It looked as if it was the survivor of a rampaging candy and party store attack.
I thought she was building a stage for a concert or something similar and I didn’t want to disturb her, so I simple trotted by her side without saying a word. The next thing I remember, I was on the floor with the pink pony standing over my body and talking so quickly I barely managed to understand what she said. Farewell virginity, I thought for a moment there, but I already knew that was something that wouldn't happen even in my wildest dreams.
“Hey, you’re new in town, aren’t you? I know because I remember everypony who lives in Ponyville, and I’ve never seen you before around here. Are you visiting the town? Or maybe you’re passing by? Where do you come from?” I even imagined for a second that she was emitting fire and flames from her mouth.
I was rescued when a very musical, western voice suddenly demanded, “Pinkie, what are ya doing to that pony?” From my position I couldn’t see the other mare, but all I could think at the moment was how lucky I was for being saved. “Let him breathe. You’re going to scare him away.”
The pink pony giggled as she bounced off followed by a spring sound that I swear came from her legs. I stood up and searched for my suitcase, but it was nowhere to be found.
I turned my head to the left and saw a pony grabbing my suitcase. “Looking for this, sugar cube?” The other pony passed it to me with a smile plastered on her face. Her cowboy hat, yellow mane and orange coat with those ghostly freckles didn’t go unnoticed by me. “What’s with that face? Did ya see a ghost?”
My voice trembled. “You’re… You’re Applejack, right? Then that means…” I looked back to the pink pony, realizing her true identity. “You’re Pinkie Pie? Oh my Celestia, I can’t believe I just met another two of the Elements of Harmony!”
Pinkie Pie giggled, “Oooh, so you’re one of those fans,” as she crushed me with a bear hug, choking me. “Welcome to Ponyville,” she chirped. “You’re going to love it here! But wait, that means that you don’t have any friends? Of course! You need a welcome party to meet other ponies and make new friends! Wait! I don’t know your name.”
I bit my tongue. It couldn’t hurt to say. “I’m uh, Brownie.” She nearly exploded with excitement.
“I love brownies, I-” Applejack saved me by slapping a hoof over her mouth. I wish I know what she was on and where I could get some. And with that sentence, she quickly left the scene, pulling her carriage so quickly that nopony would believe me if I told them.
Applejack said to me, “Excuse her. She’s always like this.”
“Where… Where did she go?”
“Don’t worry, Brownie, she does this whenever a new pony comes to town. Ah’d like to give you a tour around, but I have to keep working at the farm. See ya.”
She trotted down the street and disappeared around a corner, leaving me alone. I thought it was a bit weird, but I was new to the town and I barely knew anything aside from the fact that they’re famous and what they looked like. After a short walk, I finally reached my new home and tried to open the door. I was so eager that I almost swallowed the key, but after a few tries I succeeded in gaining entry.
“SURPRISE!”
I hit the deck. At the exact moment when I opened the door, I found myself greeted by a crowd of ponies stuffed inside my new home holding a welcome party. Needless to say, I hadn't expected this. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere and started to talk as quickly as when I met her earlier. I staggered inside as she followed me, bouncing and chattering all the way.
“Do you like it? It was a bit hard to pull it off because everypony was scattered all over the town, but I know you would like it, so I quickly brought them here! The hardest part was finding the directions, but I asked Town Hall and they told me everything I wanted to know. Do you have friends? Well, I don’t think so since you just arrived, but don’t worry, I’ll introduce you to everypony here!”
“Ehm… Thanks?” This was going to be a loooong night.
“Come on, Pinkie. You’re scaring him.” Twilight Sparkle appeared at her side, managing to stop Pinkie’s verbal onslaught. “When Pinkie told me she was making a party for a newcomer, your name quickly came to mind.”
A distinctive mare’s voice sounded in my ear. “Yeah, a pony wearing clothes ain’t very common in this town,” Applejack added, standing on my left. “When Twilight told me about a stallion she’d met on the train, ah thought it might be you.”
From within the crowd, a white unicorn with a curly purple mane and sapphire eyes emerged. This must be Rarity, element of generosity. She stared at my clothes and I couldn’t help but feel as if I were being scrutinized like a bug under a microscope. She circled around my body thrice before stopping in front of me with a look of distaste.
She gasped, “These clothes are so vulgar! The shirt is riddled with holes everywhere, not to talk about the hideous monster portrayed on it! And let’s not talk about how deteriorated your jeans are- How long have you been wearing them?”
“I can’t remember… About two or three years, more or less…” I hadn’t the foggiest idea.
“Two or three years? Oh, what a disgrace! You need new clothes as soon as possible!” Definitely Rarity. She was so melodramatic that for a moment there I thought she was pulling a prank on me. Well, either that or faint. “But don’t worry, I will gladly make you a new set of clothes. After all, I am a fashion designer.”
“Thanks for the offer, miss Rarity, but I don’t want new clothes. These were a gift from my family, and I don’t want to get rid of them. Besides, these holes are like a medals for metal head." Being part of the Heavy Metal cult was something sacred for me, and knowing Rarity, she probably didn't share my opinion.
“Well, if you’re alright with it, then I don’t mind. Anyway- So, you recognized me? Twilight said you were one of our fans, but that you knew next to nothing about our appearance.” How in the world had all this information traveled so quickly? Did she have a dragon sending messages for her?
“Well, your speech and observations about my clothes betray your knowledge of fashion, so you’re definitely a designer. It was an easy guess.” I gave a kind of shrug.
“Why, thank you. It’s very hard to find such a gentlecolt like you. I assume you haven’t met Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash yet, right?” I nodded.
“Come on, Fluttershy! Get out here and meet the new pony," Pinkie Pie shouted as she pushed what appeared to be an oversized cream-colored lump. Upon closer inspection, I could spot a pink mane and a yellow body with a group of three butterflies on her flank. Fluttershy was hiding her face behind her mane, as if I were a monster trying to eat her for breakfast. Wasn’t she some sort of war hero?
For several moments, I just stood there, unsure of what to do. Applejack reassured me, “Don’t worry, she’s always afraid of anything that’s not a small animal.”
“Yeah, I heard some rumors, but I never expected them to be true…” The yellow pegasus let out a few squeals before hiding under one of the tables. “Well, maybe in a few months she won’t get shell-shocked from looking at me.” The joke fell flat. It was not a good day for comedy.
A voice barked at me from the ceiling. “We don’t make jokes about that!” I looked upwards to see a stunningly beautiful vividly-colored pegasus. “Don’t worry, she’ll get used to you. Just wait a while.” The rainbow-maned, blue-bodied pony that descended from the ceiling caught me by surprise, but had I already expected her to appear eventually. “I assume that I don’t need to introduce myself, right?”
What do you think? “Yeah... you’re… Rainbow Dash, right…?” I tried to talk, but no sound came out of my mouth. After containing my excitement from meeting the rest of the girls, I couldn’t contain it anymore after Rainbow Dash talked to me. She was my favorite, and I was talking to her. I couldn’t believe that it was really happening! My knees gave out and the world turned black.
“Hello? Anypony home?” When I came back to my senses, Rainbow Dash was knocking on my head like a door. Fluttershy was looking at me with an expression of such pure concern. Element of kindness indeed, I smiled. Could be worse.
I shot up. “Sorry… It’s the excitement, you know…?” At that moment, I only wanted to dig a very deep hole and disappear underground. “I never acted like this before… You know what I mean, right?” If I didn’t die from the excitement, then it would be from embarrassment.
Rainbow casually dismissed it with a flick of her trademark mane. “Nope, I don’t get it." Pow, right in the kisser. "Come on, it’s your party! Have a drink, eat some cake and have some fun! We’ll introduce you, don’t worry about it.” I found myself being dragged by the fastest pony of all of Equestria, and boy was she fast.
The party went on through the entire day and was not finished after Luna’s mantle of stars had enveloped the sky and the moon was watching over us, unblinking and staring at the town below.
Pinkie Pie provided the entertainment for the party with a lot of games while Twilight tried to make everypony follow the ‘party protocol’ or something like that; I assumed that it was some sort of Ponyville tradition. Applejack brought a lot of cider and even offered me a mug, but I refused to drink since I don’t like that sort of thing and Rarity gifted me an old bed to sleep in until I could buy a new one. She even had thrown in a free set of sheets and blankets with a pillow, showing why she was the Element of Generosity after all.
Needless to say, living in Ponyville has proven to be my best decision so far.
Fave before read.
I can't get enough of OC x Mane Six stories. I dunno why....
EDIT: Whoa. This was actually amazing. You, my friend, get a watch.
write more!
Nice work pony! You have earned yourself a favorite. Only a couple mistakes, but thats fine with me. Also, OC x RD? interesting choice.
Interesting. I'd like to see more. I'd write a more detailed review, but I need to see more before I can really gain a sense of what you're doing. So far, you definitely are not bad. I haven't found myself wishing for a bottle of JIm Beam yet. All I can really say is that your characters appear to be talking in voids. You'll reach a place where a conversation starts, and then it just seems to dissolve into a blank white space where words appear. That works better for tension or drama, but doesn't work well with the more lighthearted feeling from the rest of the fic. Keep writing and update whenever you're ready.
1896116 Thanks for the tip. I know the basics for writing and I got some help from an editor to write better, but unfortunately that doesn't cover my writing style Aside from being my first romance story, but I'll keep working to do a great job.
1896962 Me too. As long as they're not simple recolors, Mary Sues or alicorns, I'm fine with them.
1896958
I'm willing to proof and beta for you.
moar!!
1900530 That would help me a lot. I still have to work on the next chapter, but could you take a look at this one? Some people said there were a few mistakes.
1896962 Me too...................................................
As the official Grammar Nazi of everything I ever see, I can tell you I've found around 25 grammatical/spelling errors.
it's nothing personal.
Now that my job here is done,
OMG!OMG!OMG!PONIES!!!
I like the idea, and most of the story so far. But (no offense) you might want to work on some more realistic dialogue. And as somepony ever so RUDELY reading over my shoulder has BLATANTLY mentioned, yes, the words "realistic" and "pastel talking ponies" can co-exist in the same remark. Thankyouverymuch. However, I must point out the part where you called Fluttershy a GUY, and tell you that you won't easily be forgiven. I shall now guilt you with a crying Fluttershy face.
Can't wait to read more!
1903694 Blame Discord for those mistakes. He loves to add errors when I post any new chapters.
1903104
What exactly would you like me to do?
1907365 I would like you to take a look and point out any mistakes I did and things that can be improved (Sloppy paragraphs, weird writing...). I don't want to make this story a masterpiece, but at least I would like to make it good.
It's done. This it going to take a while, so get comfortable. I started with an examination of grammatical correctness and syntactical clarity. I actually trimmed this down a lot because it would have been mad to give a paragraph by paragraph critique of your story. The mechanics however, have been given in full.
I noticed a pattern of what I would consider somewhat strange choices in diction and syntax, although all your spelling is in American English. Much of it is technically correct in dictionary meaning, but feels awkward when compared to the implied meanings, usages, and connotations of words. Tow recurring examples are "make parties" and "present myself". Is your native language something other than English? I can help with translation involving Latin, German ,and Russian.
First paragraph: Change "aside" to either "besides" or "other than" or "apart from". Add a comma before "and a few bits to find a new home".
Second paragraph: You need a preposition to describe what is to be done with the glasses. It is not said whether he is putting them on or taking them off. Your simile to a dragon's belly ought to be turned into it's own sentence. "It was like being in the belly of a dragon." The last bit about passing under Canterlot and the Saddle Lightning mountain ought to be its own sentence. "I realized that we had been passing through Saddle Lightning mountain, which was underneath Canterlot." Your sentences have a habit of rambling on.
Third paragraph: Alone is used too frequently for the situation. Also, who says "I was talking alone"? The term is "I was talking to myself." The paragraph is too short to stand out. You only need a new paragraph for dialogue if there is a change of speaker. Monologues can be placed into the middle of a paragraph.'
Fourth paragraph: When describing what the protagonist had to do in order to open the door, create a new sentence when he describes using his mouth. "I was forced to use my mouth and got the horrible taste of cold metal on my tongue." The final sentence is just absolutely too long. Break it up into three concise sentences. And the fate of the water droplets should be "deaths" instead of "death".
Fifth paragraph: The more elegant alternative to "spitted" is "spat". Both are grammatically correct, but spat fits better here. I can only assume that when you said "two chocolate balls" that you meant "two brown eyes." The T of t-shirt is not capitalized. Cutie mark is not capitalized either.
Sixth paragraph: When describing the purple unicorn, use "she" instead of "it". It is seldom used for persons. You could have also used "they", although that is somewhat awkward. The mane would better be described as "Her man was lavender with a band of purple and pink stripes.". Cutie mark is not a proper noun. Therefore, it only only to be capitalized if it begins a sentence or a quote. I will not note this mistake further. When describing how the other pony probably got on the train, I would say to "She had probably gotten on board during the last stop while I was in the bathroom." Either remove "I didn't notice.", or change the semicolon (;) to a period.
Seventh paragraph: Change the sentence to: "Excuse me, are you going to Ponyville, too?"
Eighth paragraph: Instead of "I adopted a more formal pose", make it "I sat up". Next, change "she left her book on the seat besides her and was now focusing all her attention on myself" to "she had placed her book on the seat besides hers and was now focusing all of her attention on me."
Ninth paragraph: Change "travelling in train" to "travelling aboard the train". Remove the comma; you do not need it to separate the beginning of your explanation.
Tenth paragraph: Remove the comma before "because". Next, replace "Are you on a job trip?" with "Are you looking for work?"
Eleventh paragraph: Change :"I'm leaving my parent's home, and was told that Ponyville is a nice place to live." I replied." to ""I'm moving out of my parents' home and I was told that Ponyville is a nice place to live," I replied."" Also, "richies" is not a real word. "Rich ponies" would be a better term. I would change "“And I guess that you’re coming back home after visiting Canterlot, as none of those richies would leave their mansions unless it’s to visit another mansion because they’re making a party.”" to ""I'm guessing that you're coming back home because none of those rich ponies would leave their mansions unless it's to attent a party at another mansion."" You do not make a party in English. The term is "throwing a party".
Thirteen paragraph: Rewrite "“Wow, you have an…” She struggled, trying to find an answer. “Interesting image about the rich…”" to "Wow, you have some..." She shrugged, trying to find an answer. "You have some interesting ideas about the rich..."
Fourteenth paragraph: The term is "throwing parties".
Fifteenth paragraph: It should be "Princess Celestia and I are always busy with controlling the sun and ruling the country."
Sixteen paragraph: Add "then" just before you say how she would attend a lot of parties. It's an if-then conditional.
Seventeenth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Eighteenth paragraph: Change "You’re one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony!” I exclaimed." to "You're one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony," I exclaimed!"
Nineteenth paragraph: Instead of "a colt who got", make it "a colt who had received". Mane six is not a proper noun. Normal capitalization rules apply. Write " meeting Twilight Sparkle had been the best thing". I think that "me" is a misspelling of "my".
Twentieth paragraph: The phrase is "pen and paper".
Twenty-first paragraph: You ought to say: "the laughs other ponies had gotten from jokes about my name" rather than " the laughs and jokes other ponies did because of my name."
Twenty-second paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Twenty-third paragraph: "But that never happened." should be connected to the previous sentence by a comma.
Twenty-fourth paragraph: End Twilight's dialogue with a comma. Do not capitalize "She".
Twenty-fifth paragraph: Change: "“Well, you’ve obviously never visited my hometown. Everypony there made jokes about my name, like ‘Hey, shouldn’t you be in the bakery?’ or ‘Last day I ate your sister. I think she was called cupcake’. And the list goes on and on…”" to "“Well, you’ve obviously never visited my home town. Everypony there makes jokes about my name, like, "Hey, shouldn’t you be in the bakery?" Or they'll say, "Yesterday, I ate your sister. I think she was called cupcake." And the list goes on and on…”
Twenty-sixth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Twenty-seventh paragraph: You should describe Brownie's action as being a "surprised stare."
Twenty-eighth paragraph: Change "“Of course… I thought everypony already knew that.” Her voice tone let her amazement slip between each word." to "“Of course! I thought everypony already knew that...” Her amazed tone was evident in each word." This is a case of you being technically correct but awkward.
Twenty-ninth paragraph: The phrase is "I can't speak for anyone else". Replace "but in my place" with "where I come from,". Instead of "the real residence of the Mane Six," say "where the mane six live.".
Thirtieth paragraph: Change "Well, I can’t talk about my friends, but I love Ponyville, and I wouldn’t change my lifestyle for anything." to "Well, I can’t speak for my friends, but I love Ponyville and I wouldn’t change it for anything. Change "worth more than a life of a" to "worth more than the life of a". Say that she was leaning forward; it's more elegant than describing her body. Bodies are normally described in such terms either in relationship to other things, or if they are dead. Start a new paragraph when Brownie starts speaking. Change "Then I realized how stupid and cliché that sounded, and I couldn’t help but burst into laughter" to "Then I realized how stupid and cliché that sounded; I couldn’t help bursting into laughter."
Thirty-first paragraph: You do not end a quote with a period if you then describe the action with a speaking word. Also, do not capitalize any pronoun other than I that does not begin a sentence. For example, ""Don’t worry, you’re excused." She replied with a small chuckle." should be "“Don’t worry, you’re excused," she replied with a small chuckle.”
Thirty-second paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Thirty-third paragraph: Swap the order of "about" and "all". All about implies discussion of everything pertaining to a topic. About all implies having complete knowledge of a topic. If I say that I know all about cats, then that means that I know a lot about cats. If I say that I know about all cats, then that means that I know every single cat in existence. Finish the list about Twilight's life with ", and a job she loved."
Thirty-fourth paragraph: Change "After asking for a few directions I managed to find the Town’s Hall. We already discussed everything I had to know about my new place and all I had to do was pay the full price of 2500 bits to claim it." to "After asking for a few directions, I managed to find the town hall. We had already discussed everything I had to know about my new place and all I had to do was pay the full price of 2500 bits to claim it." In English, you say town hall instead of town's hall.
Thirty-fifth paragraph: Use a semicolon when suddenly saying how far away Brownie's home is from the market. Change "never saw" to "I had never seen". Use a comma with and when you give the final item on a list, such as when you describe the carriage.
Thirty-sixth paragraph: You say on the floor; you do not say "in the floor". You say "talking so quickly" instead of "talking so fast"
Thirty-seventh paragraph: Change "time" to town.
Thirty-eighth paragraph: Change "leave him breathe" to "let him breathe".
Thirty-ninth paragraph: Change "I stood up and searched for my suitcase, nowhere to be found." to "I stood up and searched for my suitcase, but it nowhere to be found."
Fortieth paragraph: I think that "thosw" is meant to be "those". You say that something did not go unnoticed by me- not for me.
Forty-first paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Forty-second paragraph: Replace "“Oooh, so you’re one of those fans?” Pinkie Pie replied as she crushed mme with a bear hug." with "“Oooh, so you’re one of those fans,” Pinkie Pie asked as she crushed me with a bear hug."
Forty-third paragraph: replace fast with quickly.
Forty-fourth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Forty-fifth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Forty-sixth paragraph: I have detected no problems.
Forty-seventh paragraph: Change "She trotted down the streets and disappeared behind a corner, leaving me alone in the streets." to "She trotted down the street and disappeared around a corner, leaving me alone." Change "new on the town" to "new to the town".
Forty-eighth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Forty-ninth paragraph. Change "The exact moment I opened the door, I found myself greeted by a crowd of ponies stacked inside my new home holding a welcome party. Needless to say, I didn’t expect this. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere and started to talk as fast as when I met her before." to "At the exact moment when I opened the door, I found myself greeted by a crowd of ponies stuffed inside my new home holding a welcome party. Needless to say, I hadn't expected this. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere and started to talk as quickly as when I met her earlier."
Fiftieth paragraph: Make "the direction" plural. Change "I asked the Town Hall" to "I asked town hall". Change present to introduce. Present is typically used for inanimate objects.
Fifty-first paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Fifty-second paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Fifty-third paragraph: Changes "besides" to "on".
Fifty-fourth paragraph: Change "From within the crowd, a white unicorn with a curly purple mane and sapphire eyes stared at my clothes, and I couldn’t help but feel analyzed like a bug under a microscope. She circled around my body before stopping in front of me with a look of deception." to "From within the crowd, a white unicorn with a curly purple mane and sapphire eyes emerged. She stared at my clothes and I couldn’t help but feel scrutinzed like a bug under a microscope. She circled around my body before stopping in front of me with a look of distaste." Deception is a noun that is used for lying. I can't think of what it was doing here.
Fifty-fifth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Fifty-sixth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Fifty-seventh paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Fifty-eighth paragraph: Replace "are" with "is" in the last sentence.
Fifty-ninth paragraph: I have not found any problems.
Sixtieth paragraph: I have not found any problems
Sixty-first paragraph: I have not found any problems.
Sixty-second paragraph: Change "Get here to meet the new pony!" Pinkie Pie shouted as she pushed Fluttershy." to "Get out here and meet the new pony," Pinkie Pie shouted as she pushed Fluttershy." Replace "like I was a monster" with "as if I were a monster".
Sixty-third paragraph: Change "“Don’t worry, she’s always afraid of anything that’s not a small animal.” Applejack said." to "“Don’t worry, she’s always afraid of anything that’s not a small animal." Applejack said."
Sixty-fourth paragraph: I have not found any problems.
Sixty-fifth paragraph: Change "present" to "introduce".
Sixty-sixth paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Sixty-seventh paragraph: I have not detected any problems.
Sixty-eighth paragraph: Say either "eat cake" or "eat some cake" instead of "eat the cake. Remove the final "and" and make "we’re going to help you to know other ponies" a separate sentence.
Sixty-ninth paragraph: Revise "The party dragged along the entire night and was finished after Luna’s mantle of stars enveloped the sky and the moon watched over us, unblinking and staring to the town below.
Pinkie Pie provided the entertainment for the party with a lot of games while Twilight tried to make everypony follow the ‘party protocol’ or something like that. Applejack brought a lot of cider, but I refused to drink since I’m not a fan of these kinds of drinks and Rarity gifted me an old bed to sleep comfortably for this night until I can buy a new one." to "The party went on through the entire night and was finished after Luna’s mantle of stars had enveloped the sky and the moon had watched over us, unblinking and staring at the town below. Pinkie Pie provided the entertainment for the party with a lot of games while Twilight tried to make everypony follow the ‘party protocol’ or something like that. Applejack brought a lot of cider, but I refused to drink since I’m not a fan of these kinds of drinks and Rarity gifted me an old bed to sleep comfortably in until I can buy a new one." I think you intended to start a separate paragraph when you mentioned Pinkie Pie. I would bring Pinkie Pie up to the previous line and make the whole thing one continuous paragraph.
Seventieth paragraph: Change :Needless to say, living in Ponyville proved to be my best decision so far." to "Needless to say, living in Ponyville has proven to be my best decision so far.".
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Your story is enjoyable. If nothing else, then it's at least a story that I would not mind continuing.
Your writing style is strange. The sentences are long, complex, and ramble, However, your narration is very efficient while your dialogue meanders. You use far too many ...'s. These pauses are not inherently bad, but it gets annoying when it seems as if every character just suddenly runs out of breath when talking as if they've all got nasty Asthma. You can stop sentences with a period, which also implies a short pause. I have a feeling that you are trying to write highly realistic dialogue, with characters talking like one would in real life. The problem with that is that comes across as highly stylized and is intended to be heard on rather than read in print. Your sentence structure is highly predictable. You definitely need to make your sentences more concise. The world is not going to end because you decided to write a simple statement. Furthermore, run-on sentences get very annoying because they just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on for so long that you lose track of what the original sentence was about, like when you put your keys in a weird place while you were drunk the previous night, trying to set a new record for most shots of vodka downed in one minute and you felt like the world was spinning extremely rapidly like a gyroscope, and those things look cool, unlike you after the aforementioned drinking contest, which you lost and got you very drunk so you lost your keys, but they're not lost because they're somewhere in your house, hopefully, but you're not entirely certain that they are because you got too drunk to remember anything other than losing and showing up at your house. Cut them short!
Your narration is nothing special. It tells the story well enough, but there are no special charms or identifying features to it. It could be much worse, but I'm not going to tempt fate; I will say that it is good enough. My one problem with it is that you have a very minimalistic narration style. Much of the imagining of scenes has to be done entirely by the audience. There is no sense as to the environment or setting. You remain almost entirely negligent about scenery after brief initial introductions. If would be a good idea for you to occasionally talk more about the scenery in relation to characters. Mention one leaning on a table, or twiddling a blade of grass, or clopping on the road. When Brownie met Rainbow Dash, he was starstruck and fainted. I wish you had built up to it instead of suddenly pulling it out of nowhere. No hints about a crush, asking about Rainbow Dash, or even thinking about her until suddenly, she shows up and he faints. Always try to build up to things before you write them, especially if they are instrumental to the plot. In this instance, it was not too bad because we all knew that it was going to be an OCxRD ship fic from the start. Nevertheless, it would have made the meeting between the two more significant if there had been some buildup to it. In order to get any kind of payoff, you have to build tension gradually. Pulling things out of thin air is not only terrible writing, but it also can seriously clash with the rest of the story. In this case, not mentioning Rainbow Dash at all and then suddenly revealing that Brownie has an enormous crush on her fits into the story with not a clunk but a din. Don't rush things.
Your dialogue is technically sound. However, you use far too many pauses. The usage of a triple period is normally reserved for dramatic effect or for literary devices such as allusion or foreshadowing. However, overuse quickly kills any sort of significance associated with it, with the result that all the pauses become highly irritating. You can use narration to imply these pauses instead of writing them into the dialogue. My biggest complaint about your dialogue is that you use rhetorical questions like "right?" frequently. Such verbiage is not so common in conversation and is normally only used in order to convey anxiety or uncertainty. Conversely, it can be used when one expects the person they are speaking with to know something. The frequent employment of pauses and rhetorical questions reduces their importance and makes them more annoying than anything else. It also gives all the characters a kind of accent. They all seem to speak somewhat alike. Another complaint is that your dialogue seems to occur in a vacuum; characters start talking and suddenly everything besides them vanishes. It gives the feeling that everything is happening in some sort of void. Including body language as well as implying their verbal ticks and pauses would help with immersion and create more interesting interactions. Gestures and posturing can very quickly establish tone, mood, and character.
Your diction is extremely weird with some odd syntax. I have a feeling that English is not your first language. You often pick words well, but you make odd choices frequently enough to be noticeable. Your vocabulary is solid, but it seems like you are trying to say more than you can with what you know. Your verbiage is simple, especially when you describe actions. This is not a bad thing. I am stating that you seem to pick from a limited pool of words and trying to make what you do know cover everything. The result is that you get the technical meanings right, but your word choice is not one that would normally applied to describe something. Please get your hands on a thesaurus and a dictionary.
Characterization is not your talent. Unlike many other new authors, you did manage to write distinct personalities for the characters. It's just that most of them are very similar. You did Pinkie Pie quite well. However, for the rest of the mane six, I really did not get the feeling that I was hearing from various characters. I did not feel that the distinct personalities came though. Twilight Sparkle seemed far too talkative and chatty. She also speaks in a very efficient, almost manly way without much superfluous talk. Rainbow Dash was done well enough, I guess. Rarity was done well enough. Applejack seemed a little out of character. Fluttershy seemed fine. Take heart, however, as I am going to delay judgement until I've seen more from these five. Brownie seems to not have much of a personality other than quiet and
private. We really don't know much about who he is or how he behaves. Strong characterization is only going to come from dialogue and group interactions. Just one last thing that I noticed is that there is no Spike.
Now that I've hit you with the criticism sledgehammer, I want to tell you what you did well.
You firstly got a story going. For a first chapter, this is a good start. You have your premise, setting, cast, and objective. The story of Brownie is not unpleasant to read about. I certainly want to read more of it. The beginning was certainly interesting and I want to get to know Brownie and why he chose Ponyville. Why does he hate rich ponies? Don't give that away if that's a key backstory element! Everything here is functional. It is generally good. I'd say that your story is just of average quality, but it is still enjoyable. Your syntax is fun. I really can't think of anything else to say other than that I liked it and that I want to see more and that you will improve with practice. Write more when you can. Please don't keep me waiting!
1923796 Wow, that's a long post! I won't go writing a reply for every paragraph because I have more mistakes than I could imagine.
I admit that I overdid a bit with the "..." because I wanted to show that the mane six and Brownie don't know how to talk to each other (As far as I remember, when I met new people I was a bit afraid of what I could say. You could say I was like Fluttershy back then).
About my writing and the sentences it's because I'm Spanish, and English is my third language. All I ever learned is either from reading or watching videos and playing videogames. It worked to learn English, but when it comes to talk or write stories it gets in the way. Not enough to write a Troll fic, but I make all kind of mistakes like the ones you pointed out.
1924826
Too harsh?
1924844 Nah, don't worry. As long as you point out what needs to be fixed I don't mind. I accept constructive critics as long as they're not like "You suck" or "The story is shit" (I got comments like this in anoither fic I'm currently working on).
P.S: Remind me to fire my M$ spell checker for all the obvious grammatical mistakes it didn't point out.
[youtube=R-0SQsN9KGs]
(sorry for shitty sound quality)