Raindrops is enjoying a rainy day. A certain orange pegasus, however, isn't.
Note: Just Winging It follows Scootaloo in the same universe a few days after this fanfic.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 19th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen February 24th
arcum42
Admin for various groups, occasional vectorer of screenshots, and writes stories like Cubic Zirconia, among other things.
arcum42
Joined 19th Apr, 2012 ·
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This is pretty good. I rather like the character of Raindrops you've developed; friendly and good, and with some problems of her own that don't stop her from being kind.
Only complaints: you repeat a couple of words too often early on. For instance:
"I spun and twirled in the wind, enjoying the feel of the wind whipping through my turquoise mane. Rain splattered all over my jasmine-colored coat, and into my eyes. I laughed as I wiped my eyes off."
Play around a bit with different words to make for better flow. There's one or two others up there as well.
Scootaloo also sounds a bit too mature during the conversation later on, but that's just a minor niggle at the back of my head.
Keep it up.
1875209
Hmmm, yeah. I usually catch those, but I rewrote the first couple paragraphs because I didn't really care for the original versions. Must not have checked the rewritten versions as well. That and I'm working on my bad tendency to revise things to death. I might be going a little too much in the other direction.
And I do see one line of Scootaloo's dialogue that could probably use revision. I'll think about it.
Thanks, btw. I actually had some of Raindrops background worked up from another oneshot that I never published, so writing it came pretty naturally because of that.
1875209
I adjusted that paragraph and the one line of dialogue that was bugging me. I'll live with how often the word rain is repeated, though. She's a little obsessed, after all.
Bit of an abrupt ending, but pretty good overall. Although I'm confused as to why ponies wouldn't associate Raindrops' name with her cutie mark :)
1875257
Thanks! And the ending might be a bit abrupt. I'll admit I didn't want to detail Scootaloo arriving home much because I didn't feel like determining which of the dozens of Scootaloo backstories I have I was using for this fic.
Also, I did want to keep the focus on the one scene and the conversation between them.
And at this point, it's an irrational worry of Raindrops', but when she first got her cutie mark, it was more up in the air, and old habits die hard.
Sad, but good! I'd echo the comment that the early paragraphs could use some revision to cut down on "rain" in consecutive sentences, but after that, I was engrossed in it
"In her sleep"... that is a chilling way to reveal that detail. Very well done, and I like how you deflected while acknowledging that death, not always pleasant deaths, happen.
I really like how you step away from some of the standard tropes and crafted a different story. Thanks for putting this up!
1876784
Yeah, looking back, I can see at least one spot where I had the word 'rain' twice within five words. It should be common in those paragraphs, but not quite that common. I'l think about it, and see what I can come up with for adjustments. The first couple paragraphs were actually the most difficult for me to write. (Though I had to do it, since "Tales of Ponyville" made Raindrops love of the rain headcanon for me...)
And thanks. I actually really did like writing the "In her sleep" section. I'm still left thinking about how a pegasus would cope with that particular disorder. Realistically, I'd have to think you'd be under strict doctors orders to never fly alone. And human nature (pony nature?) is such that it'd get violated regularly...
wow...anti depressants....I know that feeling -looks at the orange bottle of pills on my desk, then the bottle of stimulants beside it- yeah....
It's a sweet story, but at times I get the feeling Scootaloo's dialogue doesn't completely fit. Like she talks a little too much like an adult, in some of her wording. Other than that, it's a good story.
2475275
Thanks! This, in fact, is probably the fanfic of my published ones that I'm the least satisfied with, largely because I jumped to publishing it a little too fast, and should have taken more time polishing it. And looking back, I can certainly see times where she uses words that are too big, Though it may just be because she's quoting the doctor.
Maybe I'll give it another pass one of these days. I do actually like the story and characters, after all. Part of why I wrote this was to rescue Raindrops cutie mark backstory, in fact, because I liked it a lot better than the fanfic it was originally intended for.
It was also an experiment in writing first person, since I usually write in third person.
Satisfied or no, this pokes at some deep questions, like what you do when you don't want your Mark to define your life. Nice little read.
I also appreciated that Raindrops is responsibly medicating her depression. If your body is biochemically impairing your functionality, the thing to do is fix it, not pretend that our brains have perfect control over our bodies and that depression means we're somehow personally failing.
4240332
Thanks. This isn't honestly one I come back to much, and my memory if it may be a little muddled by having done an edit or two after the fact to fix the first couple paragraphs up, as well as the end slightly.
It actually originated as backstory for another story I was writing at one point that I rewrite to death, until I got to the point where I abandoned it because I almost literally could not look at it any more.
The history of Raindrops cutie mark was interesting enough that I tried writing this, and tried using first person, which I usually don't do.
I always did like messing with the idea behind cutie marks and what you do if your cutie mark is for something you don't want to be your whole life, and making your cutie mark represent what you want, though.
And I totally agree on the depression. Why don't you see majorly depressed characters in fiction actually going to doctors about it, and taking medication? It might be fun sometime to go through listing characters in fiction that really ought to be receiving treatment for some of their issues...
Ouch. You should have stopped right there. That's kinda brilliant, in a dark sort of way.
4986082
I suppose I didn't need to elaborate after that line. I expect I wasn't sure everyone would know what Narcolepsy was.
I totally agree with Raindrops on this one, though. That was one of the better and more interesting ideas in this oneshot.
Of course, the whole origin of this story was that I didn't want to let backstory I came up with for another oneshot that didn't see the light of day go to waste. And then, of course, the "20% chance of being able to fly" thing eventually sparked the idea for Just Winging It without my even thinking about it at the time...
--arcum42
I am working on a dramatic really of the story if you. Don't mind
8021697
No problem. As long as you link to the original story, I'm mentioned as the author, and you give me a link to the video, that should be fine.
It's been long enough since I wrote this story that I'm honestly feeling like I should probably reread it.
--arcum42
8025801
Here is the link to my reading
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oL-8nI5v0C0&index=13&list=PLvWa1cP5Ed2Xfd5OkpRBa2RKIiqmeqzUJ
8060205
Alright, thanks!
--arcum42