The Arising Cartoon Pony

by Darkonshadows

Good pony, Bad Girl

My mom was right things had gotten more fun, especially when Lyra was finally introduced to some nice humans. Even if they were video game universe humans they still liked to be referred to as their species instead of the state of their existence. Goodness knows I wouldn’t want to be considered just a pony or a chaos creature. I have feelings and I like them to be happy as I am… even if I sometimes don’t understand them all too well.

The meeting with the humans was a rather fun one, they were all nice and there was one in particular mom spent a lot of time conversing with. I was happy to meet these people they seemed to really like my sense of humor, though they happened to like explosives a bit too much. It was any wonder my mother made friends with people that didn’t like making things explode, but they were good people and not nearly as insane as mom. It was boring that they weren’t as insane and were quite logical, well mostly logical anyway.

As for Lyra she was kind of in a nirvana I’ll never understand without a lot of chocolate crème pies, those were yummy for my tummy but even cartoon characters had to eat healthy once in a while. It was interesting how odd you’re biology becomes once you learn you can survive primarily on happiness and sugar for a while.

As for Derpy, her religion of ‘share a muffin, be happy’ was kind of spreading even further. I say ‘kind of’ because they liked muffins in moderation, at least it didn’t hit the insane worship level the Mizar people took it to. Those bug guys were crazy; they were already painting murals in Derpy’s image when we were leaving the Sekhmet ten days ago. Goombella still had a few days to get back to us with her idea.

Instead of splitting up us ponies and our chaperones stuck together, the chaperones still kept track of who they were supposed to watch specifically. So I’ll give everyone a quick rundown of what we’ve been doing to help my two pony friends learn to control their abilities over these last few days.

The first realm we went to was quirky and I don’t think the music has quite left my head yet, the tune was just so fun. Derpy loved it and the muffins that the enemies turned into.

Bubble Bobble realms innate abilities: Bubble blowing, bubble bouncing, bubble powers and draconic forms.

I thought being a scaly pony was a bit odd, but we looked ridiculously cool. Lyra however spent a lot of the time freaking out about her appearance. Video game realms just had that kind of effect on some people I guess. Derpy seemed perfectly fine with it, in fact her dragon wings looked really awesome but she missed her feather wings and she knew her daughter would too. Good thing this wasn’t permanent.

We also met the realms hero’s Bub and Bob the bubble dragons, they were pretty cartoony for video game heroes. They were also cool with us running around their realm fighting their enemies, they mentioned Pac-man was around and to just leave him be. To be honest I think I was still a little scared of Pac-man after seeing him the first time and I was willing and able to heed those words.

Derpy learned a lot about her bubble blowing power and how to alter it to do so many different things, however it was quite draining on her body to use that power. Her control over bubbles was getting kind of obscenely powerful, then again her cutie mark pretty much means she would have some form of mastery over this ability in record time. Even Bub and Bob were impressed with her progress, they were also good teachers and exceptionally friendly. Sometimes I think they were too friendly given the theme of their game is killing and eating monsters that got magically turned into food.

I simply sat there and ate some grapes watching muffins fly all over the place, it wasn’t that disturbing a revelation I guess as the food tasted freshly picked. I turned to my left and saw Mr. Chaos sitting there enjoying himself by slowly dissolving a grapefruit inside of his body. He turned to me and gave what I hope was a smile. I at least was starting to understand him now that his garbled sloshing actually started to make some sense, after using silent protagonist for so long learning other languages seemed kind of easy in retrospect.

We next traveled to the world that was just quite bizarre, so much so that even I had a little trouble not going bananas.

Super Monkey Ball realms innate abilities: Hamster Ball.

I swear, my eyes are naturally spiraled and I have never been so dizzy that my eyes might have quadrupled their spirals. Derpy’s eyes weren’t doing any better keeping straight. Of course all the video game characters were doing better than we were and laughing at our plight, I was right there laughing along with them as we did look pretty silly flailing around inside these large hard to control spheres.

The only one that wasn’t flailing was Lyra who had a perturbed look on her face the entire time she was in her sphere… or I should say floating in the middle of it and incapable of using magic as her harmonic cyclone barrier was using her magic to create the sphere she was entrapped in. It wasn’t constantly draining her, it was just the entirety her magic encompassed her body in a protective barrier.

We lost Chaos to the surrounding abyss some time ago, hope he’s okay... from what I can tell the other chaos being was having as much fun as I was exploring these realms.

This was just the first realm we visited for Lyra’s sake; the next one totally cracked me up and we couldn’t help but egg her on.

Billy Hatcher and the giant eggs realms innate abilities: Chicken suits and the powers that come with them.

“Huh, Pinkie’s Nightmare Night costume makes so much more sense now…” It was the first thing that Lyra said upon seeing what we were all wearing when we appeared here. Derpy only needed one realm devoted to helping her train in her new ability; this one was to train Lyra’s harmonic cyclone barrier from the outside. There was also the fun factor of rolling around eggs.

Speaking of harmonics… it tended to play music when Lyra rolled it around and it seemed that the music was matching her mood. Being here seemed to have brightened Lyra up considerably if the musical barrier she was rolling around like an egg was any idea, not only that we all learned to have a sense of balance by all the weird things we could do with the eggs in morning land.

It was soon learned that Lyra had to absorb her harmonic cyclone barrier back into herself before she could go back to using her magic again, otherwise the barrier was almost unbreakable and it had offensive applications with the cyclone wind blade revolving around it when Lyra needed it too. Said blade could turn into wind strings that Lyra could play music from by vibrating the air itself, it ironically enough increased the protective strength of her barrier when she was doing this.

The acrobatics weren’t entirely because of the suits, we learned that the hard way when Derpy fell into a pack of enemy crow monsters and promptly died. Lyra had fallen off the levels we explored several times and once into lava where convection ceased to exist. It was a good thing we had extra lives or we’d never normally survive these weird worlds.

Dying was of course painful as all get out, so we tried to avoid it the best we could and our chaperones made sure we had enough extra lives to be safe if we weren’t more careful. Invincible we were not and we had no illusions that we were, I kind of thought it strange that Lyra would stare after me every time I died though. Was she afraid that I was going to go crazy again? Eh, couldn’t blame her for worrying about me, I know she cares more then she let’s on.

That wasn’t the end of the monkey business however, even if we were having a grand time.

Donkey Kong Country realms innate abilities: Bounce off things more easily and general platform game physics applied, friends may be found in barrels if killed.

We really didn’t do much here except get a bird named Squawks to teach me how to spit projectiles safely, but we did get to meet the local wildlife the Kremlings. From what we found out they were out of a job and had nothing to do other than to antagonize us like they were supposed to do anyway.

I remember mom telling me that bananas are the alicorn aphrodisiac of super effective choice; well this world must have been the alicorn paradise considering all the bananas around. Goodness knows I’m not truly naïve; Discord did at least make sure I understood if I was going to be assaulted physically. The one thing I can thank Discord for was that he at least gave me the information to survive and avoid being abused.

The next place we visited wasn’t as nice, we went there after I was done playing around with the barrel cannons. We ponies really liked the barrel cannons; it took them forever to catch me in Bramble Blast. Now we’re up to the point where I am right now, with me meeting a really vulgar person.

No More Heroes realms innate abilities: Increased pain tolerance, weapons can be reloaded or recharged by shaking them, Blood… so much blood… and the ability to cope with causing it to fountain everywhere.

“Ugh, I can’t believe Kazooie would make me bring you here. At least she apologized ahead of time for this.” It was an interesting idea to say the least, but Khronozooie had no idea what Kazooie was thinking. Why would she put her daughter up against a psycho like that?

Screwball was being led down a corridor and when the door opened all six of us were greeted with a cut scene. A blonde girl in a frilly pink dress with stockings was killing other humans in strange getups with a baseball bat. We’d later learn those were cloned enemies. “Home… run!”

“Okay, Kazooie said this was all yours, watch out for when she starts crying and be aware that she’s immune to fire. Be careful with this boss fight character.” With that Khronozooie shoved Screwball forward and the strange blonde haired woman looked at the pony. She started to laugh insanely, all of Screwball’s friends and family sat back and away from her on the sidelines just watching nervously.

“What the fuck… oh this is too great, a pony! I’ve always wanted one… to kill.” With that the human woman sauntered over to the refrigerator twirling her bat with her right hand, she set it down and pulled out a beer. She popped it, drank it all in one go, belched and then smashed it against her forehead before throwing it into the nearby pit. She sauntered forward holding her blood covered baseball bat in her right hand. “You know, it’s funny really that all little girls like ponies and shit, well I’ll show them that magic doesn’t exist for people like me. You’ll pay for coming here with your fucking lives for disturbing me.”

I frowned and stared at her sadly, I felt something was wrong here and despite the aggressiveness Bad Girl was showing… I really didn’t want to fight her. Why did my mom want me to meet her? I felt my ears wiggle, tail twitch and stomach fluttering; I had no idea what this one meant. It was a new one on me and to suddenly happen like this must mean it was important.

“Stop looking at me like that! Don’t go thinking your better than me.” Now I was staring at the girl named Bad Girl with even more sorrow, she took her right bat in her hand and pointed the tip at me. “Stop looking at me like that right now!”

Boss Fight: Screwball vs. Bad Girl. (No More Heroes - Pleather for Breakfast plays.)

The boss field sprang up surprisingly quick and so did Bad Girls health bar as she swung at Screwball with her bat, Screwball jumped backwards. Slowly Bad girl started to walk to the right with a sway in her hip and her dress hypnotically swayed from side to side with each step she took while staring at Screwball idly twirling her bat.

Screwball had yet to pull out her own signature weapon or bothered take any aggressive action in combat. She just stared into Bad Girls eyes as they look back with murderous intent, slowly Screwballs frown turned into a small smile.

“What the fuck are you smiling about you short horse!” With that Bad Girl charged Screwball and used her left hand to grip the bat as she swung down at her. Then the most unexpected thing happened that I bet nobody other than Screwball was expecting, especially not Bad Girl. Screwball had gotten under her guard. “What… the… fuck, get off of me you little shit!”

With a shove Screwball was pushed away from hugging Bad Girl around the waist. The pony landed on her flank and the small smile on her face looked to be there to stay. Nothing Bad Girl did was going to knock the smile off of her face.

Bad Girl charged and swung her bat three times, whiffing entirely. She had stopped to look at the sign Screwball was holding up while giving a toothy grin.

“Three strikes I’m out? What the hell are you on? I might actually want some of it.” Bad Girl resumed attacking Screwball after that and the pony continued to dodge her attacks. The pony never retaliated and it was beginning to infuriate Bad Girl that she wasn’t fighting back.

Swinging forward and hard Bad Girl missed Screwball who circled around her quickly and latched herself onto the woman’s back to start nuzzling her neck while cuddling her with a full body hug.

“Let go of me!” Bad Girl screeched and she jumped and fell onto her back flattening Screwball underneath herself, Screwball didn’t feel a thing as her body squashed cushioning Bad Girl from hurting herself in her attempts at getting the cartoon pony off of her. She followed that motion by flipping backwards onto her feet and then brought the full force of her bat down on where Screwball used to be. “What the fuck, where did she go?”

“Why isn’t Screwball fighting back, that human is certainly set on killing her.” Lyra said from her position outside the boss field barrier looking into the batting cage room beneath the baseball stadium.

“Don’t you see Lyra? She is fighting back. She’s just doing it in a special way, the way a cartoon would fight.” The smile on Derpy’s face only grew; it didn’t escape her notice that Screwball was doing damage to Bad Girl’s health bar without even injuring her. It certainly didn’t seem Screwball was giving her painful bear hugs. Reaching behind her back Derpy pulled out some popcorn. Yep, Derpy has recently learned the fresh bag of popcorn cartoon trick.

“I’ll say its special; I guess this is why Kazooie wanted Screwball to meet Bad Girl… the power you ponies have is pretty incredible.” Honey was smiling alongside Derpy, Banjo and Khronozooie as they watched Bad Girl looking everywhere around for Screwball.

“I don’t get it; all she did so far was hug her and show her affection.” It wasn’t that Lyra didn’t think a hug wasn’t nice, but against something that was trying to kill you? This has got to be the most ludicrous fight she’s ever witnessed and Screwball was standing on the ceiling.

“Just keep watching Miss Heartstrings.” Banjo said with a hint of warmth in his voice, it’s been a while since he’s a seen a slapstick fight with an actual big stick. “I’m beginning to wonder if Kazooie is right about this… not like she hasn’t ever been wrong about this kind of thing before.”

“How in the hell did you get there, that’s completely unfair!” Bad Girl yelled at Screwball who was lying on her back against the ceiling, the pony remove one of the hooves behind her head and waved lazily at Bad Girl. The woman was not to be trifled with, she quickly ran over to the conveyer belt and it started up, Screwball tilted her head away from the ceiling and wondered what Bad Girl was doing.

“Home… run!” Screwballs eyes popped out of her head, they were swiftly pushed back in by both hooves and she quickly dropped to the floor as a human body shaped object exploded against the ceiling. Bad Girl started stalking towards the now floored pony. The pony quickly dashed for the couch and jumped behind it disappearing.

Bad Girl quickly looked behind the small couch and was puzzled not to see anything there; soon Screwball poked her head out of the nearby cabinet and quickly pulled it back in when she was noticed. Opening the cabinet Bad Girl didn’t see anything inside.

“Okay, what the fuck is going on, did that crazy magician put you up to this?” Turning to her right Bad Girl saw Screwball poke her face out of the refrigerator and ducked back in upon being spotted. Opening the refrigerator Bad Girl saw nothing but her beer, so she closed the door and looked around once more.

The TV showing nothing but static behind the fridge and couch flickered to a different channel showing Screwball in a matador costume looking confused for a moment before a large bull trampled her off the screen and the channel changed to some anime show that couldn’t be heard because the volume was down on the TV. Screwball was doing a silly dance with several of the anime characters before finally being stopped as the TV was smashed by a baseball bat.

Screwball finally crawled out from under the couch looking rather sheepish with a drop of sweat appearing on the side of her head as she smiled at the woman. Bad Girl’s glare promised pain and a suffering for the forced destruction of the television. Bad Girl took on a golden glow and she swung her bad as hard as she could, but still she missed the quick moving pony that was now at the center of the room.

“Wipe that stupid look off of your face and stop smiling at me damn it!” Then Screwball, as asked by Bad Girl, lifted her front left leg to her mouth and then with one swipe her mouth disappeared. She showed where her mouth now was by making it give a silly grin from its new location on her left leg.

Bad Girl backed away from this bit of strangeness slightly freaked out; Screwball had done exactly as she had asked. She wiped the look off her face and it was her leg that was now smiling at her.

“Okay that’s it, time to bring on the pain!” She pulled out a bottle took a swig of its contents spat it across her bat. Then dropping the bottle she lit the bat with a lighter she pulled out and carelessly tossed that away as well.

Slapping her mouth back onto her face Screwball started clapping and gave a small whistle of enjoyment, she had never seen such a cool trick like that. It was to be noted that Bad Girl wasn’t even being burned or affected by the heat. This of course made Bad Girl angry.

“You’re really pissing me off you know!” She slammed the bat down causing a fiery explosion and once that ended she could see Screwball with a slightly burnt marshmallow on a stick. Putting the stick down, she pulled out some graham crackers and chocolate. She made a snack by clapping the ingredients altogether between her hooves.

Bad Girl just stood there dumbfounded as the pony ate her gooey snack and offered a second one to Bad Girl who knocked it out of her hoof with her flaming baseball bat without actually hitting her outstretched leg. Screwball just shrugged nonchalantly and leapt up to throw her hooves around Bad Girl again nuzzling her ample chest cutely.

“Why you… why…you… why won’t you just leave me alone!” Bad Girl finally broke down and started crying and Screwball just started patting the larger woman gently on the back. While making some cooing noises and gently rocking the crying woman back and forth softly, Screwball had the gentlest serene smile on her face.

“Whoa, Bad Girl has totally lost her anal side. I didn’t expect to see that in my lifetime… and I’m immortal.” Khronozooie’s amusement was suddenly shushed by the others watching the scene, including Chaos who had just appeared out of nowhere from wherever he got lost to beforehand somehow managing to track this group across several gaming realms. “Didn’t know you could kill someone with kindness quite like that, Bad Girl’s health bar dropped like a lead brick, which is fast for a boss character.”

Finally the boss battle field fell and Bad Girls life bar emptied out of its own volition much to Lyra’s surprise that she now noticed the floating bar and heard what it represented.

(Pleather for Breakfast ends.)

Screwball just kissed Bad Girl on the forehead and started giggling, her mom was a certified psycho and so was this woman. That didn’t mean they didn’t deserve love or simply affection, even villains and heroes could get lonely sometimes and Bad Girl’s probably been alone in this room for a very long time. Some unconditional love was probably doing her some good right about now.

Screwball finally asked if there was anything she could do for Bad Girl to make her feel better.

“Could you just let me hit you one time?” Screwball beamed at the request and nodded, she stood absolutely still in front of the disbelieving assassin known as Bad Girl. “Seriously, after all that effort you put up dodging me? Well okay then!”

Reeling back her flaming bat of pain and death she brought it down hard on Screwball. The resulting splatter was unusual to say the least, it wasn’t blood and the smell was rather sweet. Bad Girl’s bat was no longer on fire as a result. Screwball was flat as a pancake; Bad Girl reached up with a finger and scraped some of the fluid off of her body. “Is this maple syrup, I knew you were sweet but this is crazy!”

After a moment all the maple syrup started disappearing and a sucking sound could be heard, soon Screwball had reabsorbed all the pancake syrup and was less flat then she had been a second ago with an audible pop noise. Bad Girl gave a slight chuckle but quickly cut it off trying to hide that she found that funny.

“You know what, you’re not so fucking bad. Now go away.” Walking over to the couch Bad Girl sat down and huffed to herself, she didn’t have the willpower to fight Screwball anymore.

Screwball went over to the couch and crawled up into her lap and started to purr cutely while slowly making circles on the woman’s lap before giving her a puppy dog stare with a smile.

“God what do you want from me!?” Bad Girl yelled in the stoic cartoon pony’s face.

Screwball introduced herself to Bad Girl and asked if they could be friends.

“You think you’re so bad, don’t cha…” Closing her eyes Bad Girl sighed and started rubbing Screwball behind the ears and the pony stretched out and started to relax on her lap. “You assholes can come in if you want, there’s no point in standing around out there gawking. Help yourselves to my crap if you want, I’ve hardly got anything worth much anyway except my fridge of infinite beer. I practically survive off that fucking stuff.”

Despite the fact that she was a murderous assassin she was rubbing Screwballs belly and it was a cute moment, but nobody said anything and Khronozooie was already helping herself to Bad Girl’s beer.

“So what do I owe the pleasure of video game heroes busting down my joint?” Bad Girl asked plainly, clearly not in the mood for much more, though she did smile as she hugged Screwball to herself protectively. “The assassins around here hardly do much but beat the ever loving crap out of each other what with Travis not caring about our realm anymore, either that or we just kill suits to pass the time. I was quite bored until you guys came along; I haven’t seen anyone in years. I haven’t left this place in years either.”

Screwball under Bad Girls ministrations sat up at upon feeling her sorrow and licked Bad Girl’s entire face with a super sized tongue.

“Huh, cute…” It was Bad Girl’s only response to being licked by pony that was doing a very good rendition of a cross between a cat and a dog.

“Don’t know why we’re here, but I think we did what we came here to do. Kazooie just asked me to push Screwball here into a fight with you. She said things would work themselves out.” Khronozooie was kind of surprised at how calm Bad Girl looked at the moment for a murderous psychopath.

“Are you looking to hire? If so then I accept, so long as it involves Screwy here.” Bad Girl said, then with a raised eyebrow asked. “So where the fuck are we going?”