• Published 3rd Jan 2013
  • 742 Views, 9 Comments

The Arising Cartoon Pony - Darkonshadows



Screwball and Kazooie travel the video game realms. Screwball learns to be a cartoon character. Chaos breaks loose, then gets bored and joins them. Derpy doesn't have a clue what could go wrong or how she got involved.

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You’d think we’d all be back at Spiral Mountain this chapter wouldn’t you? Well you’d be partly right, we do after all have to tow the less than half a level and ship to somewhere safe. That’s the trouble with having a stubborn muffin eating pony not willing to leave her hundred or so ant and beetle friends behind for any vultures to take advantage of. So it took a while to drop them off with the battle cruiser Sekhmet.

To make things worse for the Anubis in our travels was that it couldn’t repair itself, the bomb I used prevents the things caught in it from reappearing for quite a while… just ask the Kingdom Hearts realms. Sure, it wasn’t exactly the same thing but it was close enough to what I did to those realms to make a comparison. So in essence we dragged less than half a ship through the space between realms to a much safer place.

In all that time I’ve yet to bring up an interesting truth to anyone, I’m pretty sure though that my Banjo and our counterparts were suspicious. Screwball was just happy that I was around and not captured anymore, at least my daughter was not all candy land sweet like Pinkie was. I swore that Pinkie would be neck deep in a cookie jar after she left Spiral Mountain and I was right, she also didn’t drop her promise which is annoying for our possibly continuing friendship. I dread to think of that coming cartoon duel, I’ll have to remember to find some time to swing by the Castlevania realm for some pie chucking training with Soma.

As far as casualties went, I caused millions to die recently and I didn’t give it a second thought since they were all jerks and generally evil people. Our side had about thirty deaths and they were mostly Mizar Ants and two beetles caught in my bomb.

I was forced to give an apology for that, even though we didn’t know any of them personally and Muffins said that it was friends of her friends so it mattered to her even if they weren’t exactly permanently dead. Currently they were life challenged as if it were, run out of continues and lives while being a video game character tends to remove you from the fold for a while by a number of years spanning one and up to approximately nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine. Video Game years happened at different speeds per realm and quite frankly five years could pass in ten minutes if you were in the right realm.

Video Game enemies get the better end of the deal in life insurance since they can come back as fast as you exiting a room for five seconds and then reentering it immediately. Ridley however was ridiculous considering he comes back almost every game despite the fact that you could just make a list of ways to die and Ridley has probably been killed that way. The ways he has died includes being killed with a feather pillow to being impaled violently with a jet propelled toilet; very long story for both of those incidents which were embarrassing for the vaunted space dragon and entire video game universe has footage of it happening.

Is it any wonder I consider Ridley one of the Video Game universes top masochists in ways to be humiliated with pain and suffering?

Video game enemies and NPC’s outnumber heroes in many regards, but that’s not to say they can overpower a hero outside of cut scenes. Being a hero in the video game worlds rocked in so many ways, not that you can permanently kill your enemies and you’ll inevitably end up playing tennis with them. That’s just how we did things; then again the heroes don’t always win when there are game realms with villain protagonists.

All video game beings are about as insane as cartoon characters or more so, considering we have a high tolerance for the absurd. I kind of feel sorry when we get a straight man like Spoony around to point out all the over the top stuff that goes on around us that we take for granted.

Now here we are with me preparing to send the two ponies back to Equestria, I made sure not to target myself while casting the warp spell for two. I wasn’t exactly prepared for my spell to fail with a generic fart sound clip.

“What gives, are we going back home or not?” Spoony the now plucky mint green colored pony said.

“Hmm… Banjo how do I word this without making Spoony mad?” I turned to Banjo, my ever lovable brother who was extremely lazy. He was so lazy that if he got any lazier Gruntilda would just start finding more ways to defeat herself and without us having to do a single thing. That would be rather boring as the witch actually does give us a challenge once in a while because goodness knows we’re bored enough to actually pay attention to her.

“Not trying to make anyone mad, you? Well that’s got to be a new one for you.” Banjo said jovially with a paw under his chin as he sent a wry smile my way.

“Yes, because we don’t have enough shtick in our corny dialogue already.” What care I for the fourth wall anyway? I’m a video game character that’s self aware that I’m a video game character and that people could be watching me at any time of the day. “Gee Banjo, whatever can we do to not want the pony with the levitation magic to drop a Tom on us like we did to Grunty? In fact, whatever happened to the remains of that boulder anyway? It never did come back.”

I didn’t care when I knew those people were watching me bathe under one of the Spiral Mountain waterfalls, I’ve got nothing to hide and I’ve always been a nudist. It is one of the reasons why I think I fit in so well in Equestria. Also to note all ‘living’ Spiral Mountain boulders do have names and talk in gravelly voices. Then again it was normal for things to be cliché here, like the living carrots having good eyesight.

“Are you telling me that you can’t get us home?” There was a certain pitch a pony could reach in their voice that promised trouble, Spoony certainly hit it perfectly.

“Of course not, just that it’ll be harder to get you home considering something’s blocking my warp spell going to Equestria. Didn’t you get here using something similar? If so why haven’t you used it to get home and what’s your excuse?” Hah, I had her there, no blaming this breeding seagull for problems outside of her wings.

“Don’t you think I tried that after I found out Derpy was here in this weird… ‘video game universe’ you called it?” Wow, that seemed kind of harsh and now Muffins was giving Spoony a slightly disapproving look. Muffins would quickly forgive Spoony anyway; she couldn’t seem to stay mad at anyone unless they gravely insulted her in some way.

“Huh, must be solar butt preventing anyone from getting into Equestria. The problem is she’s not stopping anyone from getting out of it. So, do you have any idea’s guys?” I turned to the other beings that were in our gaming realm. One very intelligent goomba, three Mizar Ant Drones and Ristar who said he still had to help out the two ponies and I could respect his gumption.

Ristar was nowhere near to being an effective wishing star, but he sure could be a shooting star.

“I might have one, but it may take me a little less than two weeks to see if it’s viable. The Mushroom Kingdom has tons of different world warping methods; we might be able to even use a fabled warp whistle. It'd save me the trouble if we could just whistle there.” I took notice that Goombella was no longer wearing her Met helmet and that her color scheme was pink and blonde once again. She had a friendly smile on her face, but then there was one small quirk of an unsettled look and I sighed… of course she would bring it up. “So, are you going to tell them?”

We dropped her Met friends off in Fourside City; apparently they were going to start up an item shop or something. If anybody cared that they existed, I might actually swing by later to see how business is doing. If they start selling ‘Resonance of Fate’ grenades, they just might have a new best customer. Those things were the bomb in an RPG scrap.

“Might as well. Everything that happened was because I let myself get captured on purpose and Goombella has been doing me a favor in making sure Banjo picked up Screwball. She wanted you to take her along and you didn’t, so I had her go to Clancer Empire City and hire a few guards under normal pretenses.” I paused to consider my next few words. “Not that the bums were doing anything special anyways, well except maybe Quote, Curly Brace and Chaco. That’s not something we need to think of or talk about in polite conversation.”

For the record Quote, Curly Brace and Sparkster went off with Star Fox and his team; don’t care what happens to them at this point as they can take care of themselves. I’m sure they were going home to meet up with Chaco after a job well done. As for Sparkster… he’s a drifter, he comes and he goes, but he’s one of the toughest early era platform game heroes.

“Uh hello, I’m one of those bums and I’m right here you know.” Not that Ristar realized what he just said before it was far too late; he was just a miffed at being called a bum.

“At least you admitted you’re a bum and you’re being honest about it, now the healing can begin.” The look on that star faced hero was priceless; never give me an opening I can use. Oh look, he’s turning red with embarrassment and looking away from everyone with his arms crossed defensively. “Get to work on it Goombella and take Twink with you while you’re at it.”

Goombella pulled out her plot device dialed something and then said a few words, a green warp pipe shot up out of the ground spooking the three ponies into backing up from it. Soon both Goombella and Ristar disappeared down the pipe with the requisite warping noise and then the pipe disappeared back into the ground.

“So… normal pretenses, shouldn’t that be false pretenses?” Turning to Spoony I smiled.

“And when, if ever mind you, did Goombella lie? She’s not very good at it. So of course she hired them for normal pretenses, but she’s a good actor considering her worlds battlefields are a stage. She might have omitted a few things but she’s quite honest about her feelings and she truly wanted to be Screwballs friend. I never actually asked her to befriend you now that I think of it.” Now how do I go about explaining this, I tapped the bottom of my unbreakable beak with my right wing. “It’s kind of a common thing in our realms to hire people out for completely ridiculous tasks for little reward.”

“What’s the most ridiculous kind of task that you could possibly get?” Okay, I was not expecting that from Muffins… that really kind of spooked me a little and I’ll only admit this to the audience if we have one. Also why in the world do people bother putting emphasis on reading my thoughts, I’m not as bad as Deadpool you know!

“Okay I’ll put it into terms even you ponies could understand, say you were going to pay an earth pony five bits. They will have to do the following: climb the tallest most dangerous mountain in the general area with poisonous creatures and deadly plant life, to go into a cave with a dragons hoard, climb down said present dragons throat, steal something from inside the dragons body and then wait for time to ‘pass’ so to speak. Then without taking any of the dragons treasure or getting anything else out of it you come all the way back to the one who contracted you for five bits and give them what they want and then you get the five bits.” It took a moment for all that to sink in; I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone questioned the feasibility of it happening.

Screwball knew she wouldn’t be nearly that stupid, she would have at least grabbed a poisonous snack for the road home.

“Wha… buh…” Slowly we watched blood started to drip from Spoony’s right nostril as she tried to process the stupidity of this information. “I think I’m getting an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity.”

Kazooie didn’t know whether or not to quote it verbatim, in hindsight this wouldn’t be funny at all but to hell with letting this one opportunity go.

“Wow, I didn’t think you were that stupid Spoony.” Insert one blood curdling scream later and an application of white magic to a nearly killed by sanity slippage pony.

“I still don’t believe some pony would go through all that trouble for so little.” I really think we nearly broke poor Spoony with that last line; I wasn’t apologetic in the slightest at watching a ponies mind almost crunch like stepped on leaf.

“Actually Ditzy did it once… or twice.” Okay now this should prove interesting, I just had to hear this one. Noticing the attention was all on her, Muffins quickly rubbed the back of her head at all the sudden attention. “Well you see a little fillies doll ended up inside a dragon, unfortunate the owner of the doll didn’t know that and offered a seven bit reward if found. So Ditzy tracked the last location of the doll into the Ever Free Forest, up Mangora Mountain of the deadly giant poisonous orb weavers, to a dragons cave and well… she survived the experience to clearly draw a diagram of all the organs she passed through just to prove why she was missing from mailing office for several days. She came back with the doll perfectly intact and got her seven bits from Big Mac. She also got a pay raise for surviving the experience and eventually writing a book on how to possibly survive the digestive track of a large female dragon. Though I really didn’t need to know what being birthed by a dragon feels like by word of mouth and given how Ditzy talks...”

I noticed Spoony was almost catatonic at this story; she quickly shook it off even as Muffins was still shuddering after trailing off.

“Oh and suppose the rumors of Ditzy being raised by Timber Wolves is true too?” I had to give Spoony credit; she was going to try survival by continued skepticism in the face of a story that, while unusual, sounds like a classic thing that could happen in the world of Video Games.

“Well yeah, never let her invite you to her family reunions let me tell you. They don’t really appreciate muffins all too much, but they will eat them and try to continue on to the pony holding them and the wooden branch the pony is sitting on.” After sticking the tongue out of the side of her mouth and her eyes going wonky, it looked like Muffins was deciding a foolproof way to make sure Spoony believed her story. “Well you could ask Pinkie about the hydra incident, hydra won’t go anywhere near blonde mane grey coated pegasi because of it. Funnily enough it’s what sparked a new trade agreement between ponies and dragons.”

“Well that must be nice considering that three of your co-workers all look almost exactly like you. I’ll judge for myself if this is real, if we ever get back to Equestria.” Yep, Spoony would rather not acknowledge that that stuff had actually happened; I on the other hand wanted to know what happened with the hydra and completely believed it.

I was laughing uproariously at the thought of Big Mac getting his little filly’s toy back and unwittingly underpaying the mare for all the trouble. The idea that the mare accepted the underpayment without a fuss really sold it for me.

“Okay, now I have to know what the hydra incident is. Will you please tell it to us?” I wasn’t the only one interested in that story, laying the grass nearby was my daughter Screwball with her front hooves under her chin and her hind legs lazily kicking at the air. Banjo scratched her behind the ear causing her to make a cute giggling purring noise; I still think ponies were partially cats.

The following story will be shortened as thus, Pinkie in an effort of making hot sauce has it become a hot seller to dragons and thus trade agreements started because of it. Also the hot sauce wasn’t very safe for ponies to ingest but it made a nice sun tan lotion that hydra don’t like the flavor of and it smelled relatively nice.

After a bout of jovial laughter at the story, Screwball tried to bring us all back to the point of discussion that started this. That is the fact that I got captured on purpose and we couldn’t currently get to Equestria. I sadly had to agree even if we were currently enjoying ourselves and sharing rather interesting stories.

“Okay the reason why I let myself get captured, well there’s a few reasons behind it. First I really had to get that Celestriad Relic; it’ll save me a lot on magical power consumption for when I go back to Equestria. Trust me we are going to get you two home, come me having to abuse a few favors or otherwise.” After a moment to see the both the ponies she addressed nod, Kazooie continued. “I had to make a setup that would be real so that they could capture me when my guard was dropped feasibly. The other fact of the matter is that I knew they were planning on kidnapping me in the first place. They had quite a time trying to set up a perfect ambush because I never fell into any of their traps. I finally decided to trip one. The end results weren’t pretty, but everything is fine now. More importantly I didn’t want them going after my daughter to get to me.”

“Why would you think everything’s fine after all the things the three of us were put through, even the things that happened before I arrived?” Okay Spoony was a little tense; I could understand that as she wasn’t getting the idea that having sanity was completely overrated at this juncture.

“Well to answer your question, I contacted some people and they’re currently taking care of the video game universes side of the problem that popped up. However Equestria is not exactly covered by our dimensional bureau and Equestria is not quite an awakened world so… Equestria is doomed unless I can return to it with some backup I’m going to pick up over the next two weeks. I don’t need your help for saving the world, but I wouldn’t mind having extra hooves for an idea coming to mind.” After a moment Kazooie started out for the fields and motioned for Khronozooie to follow. “I’m going to catch you guys a few carrots, it’s near lunch time and we’ll discuss what we’re going to do until Goombella can get back to us with her idea. Oh and I believe you were promised some first contact with a nice human, isn’t that right Lyra? Well we’re going to need the help of one soon enough so I’ll set that meeting up for you. ”

“Okay for the last time my name is not Lyra, it’s SPOONY!” After a few seconds Lyra slapped two hooves to her own face, there were just some cartoon gags you couldn’t help but love and I really liked the Bugs Bunny switch around gag. My daughter and Muffins started laughing at her embarrassment at calling herself Spoony. The two quickly started to comfort her with a hug trying to say that they weren’t trying to be mean, but that was pretty hilarious.

“Whatever you say Spoony, Banjo show them our N sixty four and play out the beginning of our first meeting with Grunty for them while we kill up a late lunch... maybe we’ll call it a linner.” I turned to Khronozooie with a smirk on my beak. “Best kill count gets to call dibs on killing Bottles when he comes back to life? No time shenanigans or you forfeit.”

“I’ll take your challenge. Just so we’re clear no explosives, nuclear weapons, guns, missiles, inanimate objects… just pure raw combat skill like a Mr. Sandbag rally!” We nodded and charged off while Canjo just calmly sauntered over to Banjo and put his paw on his counterparts shoulder, they both sighed in unison.

Later that day we had a big meal fit for all the people involved, we also cooked our pet fish… again… for the hundredth time at least. We never actually tire of killing poor Roysten by complete accident or was it on purpose? I tend to lose track of who killed the poor little guy last. He was a fine source of protein either way so we couldn’t care less and it wasn’t me that surprisingly killed the fish this time… it was Banjo. That goldfish never catches a break, but he did help us out that one time.

“You know I hate the fact that my best friends aren’t bothering to even resurrect me and the fact that one of them murdered me in cold blood should really tell you that you’re hanging with a bunch of jerks. This is not the first time I was killed by Kazooie either; did you know she cheats at cards? I don’t know how you can live with such a destructive nutcase Banjo it would drive me crazy.” Bottles hadn’t stopped yammering since we started our late lunch and he finally found out where we were. Everyone including Spoony was easily tuning him out, just as it should be.

Sure Screwball might have cared at first, but after listening to Bottles drone on about his ever so boring life she gave up on feeling sorry for him. Derpy didn’t care at all; it wasn’t like she knew how to resurrect the haunting visage of the ghost mole. Lyra ignored that he existed entirely or that he spent the better half of an hour trying to convince people to listen to him.

“Okay our first plan of action is to take Lyra to meet some humans; I need to meet one of these particular humans so I can discuss business for when I head on back to Equestria. Then I’m going to call some contacts through my plot device to see if they will be available for a few meetings with me.” Kazooie nodded towards the ponies. “While I’m at those meetings you three are going to be taken to some gaming realms to learn some interesting tricks based on those abilities you earned. Then after all is said and done, I want to spend some quality time with my daughter up to Cloud Cuckoo Land. If we have any spare time I can take you guys to Nintendo Land.”

“Khronozooie I want you to chaperone Screwball when you take her to the gaming realm I have in mind for her. Banjo you’re going with Derpy and finally if she’s willing Honey will be going with Spoony. Oh and I’m apologizing ahead of time Khronozooie.” With that Kazooie slung up her backpack onto a peg of the pack rack by the door of her and Banjo’s cozy Spiral Mountain home and just pulled herself inside. “Let’s get some rest we’re going to be doing lots of things soon and we’ve only got about two weeks to do them in.”

For now, we were all going to have a little vacation after all the stuff I pulled getting everyone here. Don’t know where the Mizar Ants are sleeping, Khronozooie can sleep in her pack and the ponies were getting our beds while Banjo slept in his comfy chair. Canjo was leaving to go back to what he was doing before he came to help us and that was play overly violent hockey.

It was all quiet within minutes and the only thing that stirred was my daughter and she looked up at me as I crawled out of my backpack and came over to peck her on the forehead.

“Get some sleep Screwy; I’ve got a lot of fun things planned for us and these adventures will be less lethal to you.” I continued to pet her until she went to sleep grabbing at my wing and snuggling it. Heh, I must be getting soft. My daughter was so cute and cuddly for a chaos creature. I soon extricated myself.

As Kazooie made her way back to her backpack Banjo from his chair facing the bed smiled slightly and his left eye finally closed as he sighed peacefully.

“Hello is anybody listening to me?” Bottles whined and then slowly just marched through the door and outside onto the path leading up Spiral Mountain.

A green clothed mustachioed man suddenly popped up out of a warp pipe that just appeared. He pulled a vacuum cleaner from his back and then sucked Bottles into it and just as quickly as he appeared the mysterious green man left through the warp pipe.

Kazooie called a professional ghost buster, because she didn’t want to listen to the stupid ghost mole moaning all night.