• Published 3rd Jan 2013
  • 742 Views, 9 Comments

The Arising Cartoon Pony - Darkonshadows



Screwball and Kazooie travel the video game realms. Screwball learns to be a cartoon character. Chaos breaks loose, then gets bored and joins them. Derpy doesn't have a clue what could go wrong or how she got involved.

  • ...
2
 9
 742

Prologue: Checking Up.

I had been living in the world of Spiral Mountain for three weeks and I loved it. There was the music that you could mute out if it got too annoying, zany transformations and magical complicatedly interconnected worlds. I have learned so much about that place.

I eventually figured out I hadn’t learned nearly enough. Kazooie took me under her wing quite literally, oh right I haven’t told you about her! She found me in Canterlot, she’s an adventurer extraordinaire and well known explosive nutcase that blew up the world of Kingdom Hearts whatever that is. She was a red-crested breegull; apparently she was rare for her species in the category of hot blooded ornithological destructive video game creatures. From what she told me people still curse 'Ninja Gaiden' birds to this day and that she was somewhat descended from them, which is how she can make anyone hate her at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t exactly understand the reason why her heritage would involve that kind of hatred, the only explanation I received from Kazooie was that it had something to do with bottomless pits and someone jumping over them without the fire wheel ability running.

My name is Screwball a light pink pony with a purple and white streaked curly mane with a propeller hat, my cutie mark was a baseball and a screw. I couldn’t be happier that my father… excuse me… my ex-mother got his… that is to say her just desserts. Discord or Distress, I was just happy to never have to deal with the chaos creature that spawned me again. I still don’t understand how I work entirely; I’m part earth pony and part chaos magic. Without my earth pony side or magic thereof I probably wouldn’t exist.

I’ve been learning about my new mom’s; Kazooie’s, world she’s a video game character. Apparently video game characters can carry their natural abilities from their own worlds and can learn abilities from other worlds but never at the exact way are they supposed to function. Like for instance mom’s ability to perform what is called a Screw Attack which is combined with space jumping, she can’t perform a space jump endlessly and she can’t use the Screw Attack too much without injuring herself with energy backlash. Video Game Characters had to follow certain rules and were quite powerful even if they did have their limits; death was but a slap on the wrist to them. Their society was… to put it quite frankly more insane then even anything Discord could dream of coming up with. There was also that innate game world alteration thing that gave you abilities of the game world as long as you’re in it, but that’ll comes up much later.

“Come on Screwball, we need to get you a checked up to see if you have any cartoon related problems from being in our realm for the foreseeable future. I’d rather nip this in the bud even if I can scan and cure any illness; I’d rather get a professional for the long term of things as magic doesn’t solve everything. Afterwards I’m going to drop you off with Banjo so I can go on a quest for a Celestriad Relic because as you know I run out of magic points like I’m bleeding out faster than apparently Aerith does when stabbed by a six foot sword. I swear that sounds like an awful sex pun. Anyway If I can get that accessory I can save on all those Magic Point potions, but I’m going to need to call in a favor of a certain treasure hunter.” Kazooie watched as her adopted pony charge shook her head and ran to catch up with the wisecracking bird.

Yeah that’s right, she told me that my dimension wasn’t exactly normal either; I was something called a cartoon character. I had yet to learn the true powers of a cartoon of which Pinkie obviously had and that explained all the crazy stuff she could do and how she adapted to any situation so fast. Cartoon characters operated on different rules than video game characters, we can do a lot of things as long as it’s within the rules of funny and can survive what would normally lead to life threatening injuries. The only problem is that I had to be aware of the fact that I was a cartoon character to start learning how to utilize the talents of one. So far I haven’t the foggiest what a cartoon character was supposed to be like, but Kazooie assured me that in time I’d learn all about it when I got introduced to the video game characters that double as cartoon characters, some are even comic book heroes like Mare-Do-Well. She’s already taught me a few strange tricks like the banana peel gag she pulled on that purple unicorn before we left my birth world, I didn’t quite get it yet but I hope I did soon as to not disappoint my mom.

We were in a place called Fourside City, a place where characters from all walks of life were walking around. Strange eye things Kazooie called a Suezo from Monster Rancher, a giant walking machine she called a wanzer from the world of Front Mission where she even admitting to owning a personalized one for herself, strange flying machines she called arwings were performing flying maneuvers through the city and plenty more. The most common creature were human type video game characters, there were even two characters named Red that looked nothing alike but were walking down the road chatting with each other nonetheless. One was from Gunstar Heroes and the other one Pokémon, neither of which I knew anything about as I haven’t been in the realm of video games for very long or even outside Kazooie’s home world of Spiral Mountain to see these kind of sights.

There were so many things to look at while we were walking around and I was too busy looking at all the things when I bumped into something that was idly watching four turtles beat up these exploding purple ninja guys in the streets. I bade an apology in silent protagonist, I was really fluent at it by now and it wasn’t as easy as most could make it look. I didn’t bother to ask why video game characters always got into fights or were randomly blowing each other up, this was how things worked here as violence was quite common and if you didn’t want to fight you were left alone. If you weren’t left alone, the video game universe was full of heroes who loved performing acts of impossible to describe cruelty for a good cause upon those who didn’t learn not to pick a fight with the unwilling. This is in fact why I would later learn that at least seventy percent of all video game enemies are all considered masochists and in fact like pain and agony.

“Hey, don’t worry about it kid.” The human was blond with her hair pulled back in a ponytail and wearing a blue jumpsuit.

“Samus Aran, is that you? I see somebody managed to do the three hour gambit to get you almost entirely out your suit. So, getting any?” Well apparently Kazooie knew who Screwball just bumped into.

“Well if it isn’t the world’s biggest bounty with a beak, you do realize everyone in the Kingdom Hearts realm is still scared of what you managed to pull off and Xenahort still screams when someone says your name around him.” Samus just smiled slightly as she looked down at the breegull. “And for your information I’m on my way to a Smash Battle, I’m hitting it off with Fox and Olimar within the hour. The items are set to an impossibly high spawn rate today and I’m hoping to blow someone’s face off with a Bob-bomb.”

“Well excuse me princess, for using Links line in his seldom remembered cartoon. I’m on my way to see Dr. Mario personally. By the way do you still scream in terror at seeing Ridley the Furby?” Kazooie suddenly found herself on the receiving end of a metallic barrel with a super missile building itself inside of it being primed for launch. This was being pointed in her face by an angry looking suddenly power suited woman, the red and orange armor had popped up in flash instantaneously.

“Please don’t bring up Other M with me; I’m still touchy about that particular subject. I really dislike the developers of that game for not letting me use the higher functions on my armor that aren’t possibly lethal to anyone. I mean seriously? Would it have hurt to let me keep my heat protection through the lava area? Sure the whole power bomb explanation works, but my entire suits other non lethal functions not being authorized as well from the get go? If Adam hadn’t died by plot development I would have shot him myself.” Samus then made her armor disappear as soon as it had appeared and she sighed holding the bridge of her nose with her left hand before she released it looking to the pony for a moment before returning her gaze to meet Kazooie’s. “I still preferred the Prime series when I was being corrupted out my ass and fighting my darker twin. So who’s the kid?”

“Cartoon character orphan I picked up in the cartoon realms, in a particular world that hasn’t exactly woken up to the fact that they are cartoon characters.” Kazooie tousled my purple and white streaked mane with a wing, making sure to rub the back of my ears making me feel happy from the affection I was receiving.

“Sounds like the squirts got a good home; unfortunately she’s living under the same roof with Banjo’s notably psychopathic sister.” I didn’t think Miss Samus thought highly of Kazooie even if they were friends.

“Oh come on, Tooty’s not really that bad once you get to know her and she’s a hyper intelligent kid too. Besides she’s been in college for the last three to ten years… really should check on her.” Kazooie smirked at Samus. “It’s also not very nice of you to call her a psychopath in any case.”

“I was talking about you; anyway it’s been nice see you Kaz but I’ve got a match to get to.” Soon the lady was walking across the street and then this random small red creature zoomed at her and smacked into her head knocking her to the ground and spilling out all these shining emblem things. “Damn it all, stupid Ripper. It’ll take me ten minutes to pick all these up; I’m getting tired of being forced to listen to that ‘you got an item’ tune.”

I didn’t get to stick around to watch Samus pick up her power-ups, Kazooie explained to me on the way down the street that Samus had a habit of losing them in really silly incidents. I was led into a really big building with a red cross on it and at the desk were three human types as we walked into the lobby. One kind of reminded me of Fleur De Lis that pretty model pony I found in the magazines while dumpster diving that one time, except this was a human with a white robe, pink hair and a bright smile. Next to her was another pink haired human with her hair in loops and after that the third being was a surprisingly enough didn’t feel human to me. She was blonde and wearing a pink suit with red gloves and these yellow energy things curving around behind her head.

“Hello and welcome to ‘All Sides Hospital’. I’m Nurse Joy number five hundred and fifty three; these are my associates White Mage and Roll Dot Exe. Please state the nature of you medical needs or if you have an appointment, we cover all areas and yes, there is a doctor in the house.” The way Nurse Joy suddenly addressed me caused me to look at her quizzically and ask her what she was talking about.

“It’s a cartoon thing Screwy, she’s not a trained cartoon character Joy so she wasn’t going to make that reference. We’re here for some check-ups, even if I can use white magic it never hurts to get a checkup. I believe I have an appointment with Dr. Mario.” Nurse Joy apologized immediately to me using the silent protagonist language before giving a nod to Kazooie. Turning to Roll we watched as she started typing out something on the thing called a computer after a moment she addressed us.

“Accessing information… files found… File one: Kazooie female game character, species red crested breegull, alignment hero and noted for being extremely dangerous and has an approach with caution warning on her file listed multiple times. File Two: Screwball female cartoon character, species pony, alignment unknown as of thus far and is notably cuddly looking. Appointment room is located on the second floor third door on the left; the doctor will be with you almost immediately. Do you want show tunes with that and possibly a lollipop?” Her voice sounded kind of mechanical in nature as if she were being way too professional, I’m sure this Roll person was more personable off work hours and her face looked really blank as she spoke before her eyes cleared and seemed to be once again filled with personality. Then she asked us that question about show tunes with the lollipop thing with a smile, she also said I looked cuddly... she’s nice.

“Might as well, the kid really needs to get used to seeing some really strange things and make it a rainbow of flavors lollipop, unicorn style if possible she’ll get a buck out of that considering where she’s from.” After a slight readily acknowledged affirmative, Roll just pointed them to the elevators.

“You know, I never thought White Mage would take a desk job. Usually she’d be one of the doctors for magical injury care given she is a white magic specialist. Our realm just gets stranger and stranger for you huh?” It seemed like an odd thing to have a desk job when your special talent was healing and I had concurred with mom on that one.

I did kind of know some white magic though it was harder to do without all of that discordant power running through me. I couldn’t learn a spell by just watching them be cast anymore, but the spells I’ve already learned were still there. Scan, Cura, Esuna and Warp were the spells I knew and at least I didn’t have the problem of limited magical power as my source was renewable with sleep and sustenance. On the downside I had to train my magical power a little to keep it in good working order, whereas Kazooie didn’t need to train hers to perform it perfectly every single time. This gave me a pretty good idea of the differences between video game and cartoon characters.

Once we were in the office I noticed a giant screen with an empty looking glass bottle on it just sitting there on the wall. Suddenly there were these three scary looking creatures dancing around in a circle below the glass bottle on the screen as music started playing, they were yellow, red and blue that were currently starting to fill up the glass bottle. Then a lab coat wearing man with a large round nose, brown hair with a bristly mustache came out of nowhere on the screen with a vibrant smile.

Musical Number! (Dr. Mario Fever)

“I am Dr. Mario and here I am to sing. Don’t you see these viruses and the trouble that they certainly definitely bring?” Pulling out a pointer from his white coat he pointed to the three dancing creatures and then several scenes of sick looking video game characters appeared in a partitioned portion of the screen.

“They can cause all kinds of chao as you can clearly see; the best way to defeat them is to match colored pills by descending into bottles like this in matching three’s!” The music distorts as a scene plays out on the screen with the doctor tossing a yellow pill, then a yellow half pill and it makes a virus explode and a patient stopped looking so green immediately.

“Now don’t you feel a lot better that I am truly here, I will help you as much but just to make this very exceptionally clear. Dr. Mario… helpings my MO… and don’t you worry about this funny, little, show!” The real Dr. Mario walked up behind Screwball and picked her up shocking her, but she didn’t struggle as she was placed on the nearby table by the man.

“Take a step forward and… don’t, you look down… now, don’t you worry… please, do not frown.” The man was very placating waving a gloved finger in front of her face, but even Screwball knew if she walked off the edge she’d fall, what was this zany doctor trying to pull? I Looked to Kazooie and she tilted her head to the doctor with a slight smile saying to listen to him in her own silent voice. Doing as the doctor said Screwball stepped forward and felt nothing but solid ground beneath her hooves and was curiously enough surprised because she could have sworn she just walked off the table.

“If you’re wondering… what I am testing… your cartoon powers are completely working on, this, scene!” Pointing down it took a moment for Screwball to respond to the fact that she was standing on thin air and had the exact reaction the doctor was looking for. It was flailing limbs and the sudden realization that gravity existed. She fell into a soft cushion on her belly and sat there dazed and confused.

“May I please take a look at your leg, now please don’t make me on my knees beg, I will then stretch it slightly out, come on don’t you make that little cutesy pout.” Screwball actually started to pout then smiled as the doctor’s music was infectious. She watched as the doctor stretched her leg out to impossible length looking it over with a well appraised eye, it kind of tickled making her giggle slightly. It snapped back into shape rather quickly though once he released it.

“Now I shall have to squash it flat, now watch it as it takes its shape right back, can I see what’s under that spinny hat, isn’t this card trick really neat since I’ve got the...” The doctor was making Screwball feel so well entertained she couldn’t feel nervous about the doctor poking and prodding her body as he sung and showed her a card trick where the cards flew from one hand to the other and quickly disappeared as they had appeared. Then he got creepy and quiet as he looked deeply into Screwball’s eyes.

“Oh my… what’s this… is it… yes!” Doctor Mario with a flick of a wrist was holding a big swirly unicorn lollipop and he held it out to Screwball who gingerly took it in her left hoof with a bright smile. Kazooie smirked a little, the doctor was a master of misdirection and Screwball didn’t even know he took her blood to learn her type; she was too enthralled by his show tunes and the prospect of candy.

“Here’s my prognosis of which I will give to you. She’s relatively healthy and doesn’t need a vaccine for something like say a nasty flu.” Smiling the doctor handed a sheet of paper to Kazooie who studied it, this guy was fast.

“Please be sure to have her come on back all over again, I’m sure that we will be the best of friends… oh don’t you seriously know it by now really.” He was still carrying the tune even with the second pill distortion noise effect, as he gave Screwball an affectionate hug.

“I will have to be up to that very essential of an important task, all you will need is a happy smile it’s all of which I will ever ask!” The cheeky doctor smiled and Screwball gave him the biggest grin she’s ever given a strange dancing and singing bipedal creature before her.

“Dr. Mario… that’s my name you know… thank you for being a good patient now you’re ready, to, go.” The music stopped and on the screen all the virus’s were gone and a smiling eight bit version of the doctor raised a thumb to the three dimensional version who winked at it.

End Musical Number.

“So no problems with her cartoon core?” Kazooie asked as she was looking over the sheet of paper. I sat off to the side enjoying my large lollipop.

“Yes, perfectly healthy and I assume the chaos magic is also normal for her given who her guardian is.” Dr. Mario raised his brow humorously at mom when it came to questioning of where I got my chaos powers from.

“Not my fault, but yes that’s naturally a part of her. I guess it’s my turn then.” This time the doctor didn’t sing and just did a few things that were related to her game world, such as checking her throat and rear end to see if her egg firing capabilities weren’t under any adverse overly stressed conditions. He stress tested her stretchy legs, they returned to normal quickly enough. Soon he dropped a two hundred pound weight on her back and she didn’t bat an eye as Banjo weighed more than that.

From the doctor’s expression it was discovered to be a sad day indeed… she was in perfect health and shape, unlike her Nuts and Bolts counterpart that got slightly obese from too much junk food. The doctor had to give her a clean bill of health and I think he could already hear the video game universe weeping, because I think I might have heard it to.

“Well you check out, just don’t overload yourself with out of world gaming abilities. If you do use out of world game abilities be careful of backlash. So who are you going to get to train the little pony in more than one trick? You mentioned she was an untrained cartoon character?” The doctor was now on to idle conversation while I was off in my little world in a rainbow of sweet flavors.

“I know all too well, I’ll be careful about the game abilities I have Doc. As for a Screwy and her cartoon heritage, I do have a few sources… most of them are both video game and cartoon birds. If that’s all, I guess I’ll see what’s up with you later doc.” After a moment the doctor nodded and seemed to frown at Kazooie's back as she turned to me.

“Yes, that will be fine. You can’t have such a sweet little cartoon character like that and not have fun times ahead.” If only I had heeded the doctors words about the fun times I would be having. Technically if you call taking over Equestria fun times, then yes… fun times for all.

That was a story for a later day though; for now I’m going to spend time exploring in the realm of video games. At least it wasn’t that same old end of the world as we know it kind of fun; we’d be facing that later with Banjo and several characters that are ‘sort of’ Kazooie’s friends.

Author's Note:

Chaos has yet to appear along with Derpy Hooves, but that's next chapter where Screwball-Banjo's adventure starts while Kazooie is off doing something else.