Scootaloo wants to try to impress Rainbow Dash by showing her how much she has learned on her own. Things do not go as planned, and in the end, Scootaloo runs away into the Everfree. After being found, unconscious and seriously injured, by Gilda, her savior decides to take her to the Gryphon Empire, where things go from bad to worse.
*This story is to be read as if "Sleepless in Ponyville" never happened.
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Not a bad idea. Plus I love a Gilda fic. I'll give some suggestions when you're a little farther into the story.
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Thank you for the offer, I'm going to start hitting the griffon society starting chapter 3 but Gilda is going to show up half way through chapter 2, which I should get out either today or tomorrow.
I have a couple of suggestions I guess. Firstly is the tense. You've written most of the story in present tense which is okay but a few times you slipped into past tense. For example, you said "said" instead of "says". I'm not really the biggest fan of present tense in these stories, but I'd write the whole thing in past but I suppose that doesn't really matter.
Secondly, while you certainly can describe a setting very well you might want to do a little work on the dialogue. There are a couple of cases where it doesn't really seem like an actual sentence someone would say. It's still pretty good, it's better than a lot of stuff I've seen before but you could always do more. Maybe add more dialogue between the characters and add the character's thoughts if you want.
Best of luck.
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Ah, I'll go fix those tense slips; as for the tense itself, I had gone and looked up a few different sites on it, but all I got out of it was confusion, some said present was best while others said past. After your comment though, I think I'll go ahead change it to past tense.
I had feeling my dialogue wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be, I was having some trouble balancing between the characters lines while having the scenes vivid enough to keep the readers attention. Of course, what good is the setting if the dialogue breaks immersion, I think I'll pull back chapter 2 and rework the lines between Gilda and Scoots.
Thank you for the help, hopefully I'll be able to fix these issues in a timely manner.
Great tale so far! One major issue is glaringly obvious however - you have insifficient chapters, to rectify this you are required to get writing asap!
All silliness aside I am enjoying this immensely. There are a couple of spots where the dialogue suffers a mild hitch in flow but it isn't bad enough to ruin things, so it is debateable whether it is worth going over and smoothing out.
I hope to see more of your work, keep it up
All in all this was a very good chapter and honestly rather mistake less. Your actually very good at world building, you hear about that contest Wanderer D is doing? You might be interested in that.
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Contest? I actually haven't heard about it, but I'll look into it.
Edit: Darn, three days too early, oh well.
Continue please.
Though, I question why she's there three years and no pony actually wonders where she is. No one notices her gone? I think she's amazing this way though, despite being a slave.