• Member Since 24th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 25th, 2015

Pinkie Primus


T
Source

Vinyl's first major gig. Inspired by 'The Nosebleed Section' by Hilltop Hoods. Artwork by ReiDuran on deviantART. Carries the Raaron seal of approval, to whom a lot of credit goes for proofreading.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

is this a reference to Drop the (b)Ass?

(NOTE: That fic is VERY NSFW, before you look it up)

1911105
I'm not averse to NSFW, I don't have a job... but I've not read that. Which part(s) seem like a reference, out of curiosity?

1911133 She gets a nosebleed during the happy times.

1911145
Oh I see. Well, the whole nosebleed thing is just from the title of the song really...

DAT PIC!!!!:pinkiegasp: LUV IT!!!:pinkiehappy:

1911145 That's a cliché, especially in anime.

1911520 Trope. Cliches are like 'it's a dark and stormy night'. Tropes are 'knight templar', for example.

1911529 First of all, you didn't define the distinction between the two. Not only might I not know what "knight templar" means in that context, I might not realize what you mean by using "dark and stormy night" as an example. Work on your explanations, especially if you want to be an author.

Second, you're right. My bad.

1911547 Are you saying I'm shit at writing? You little fu-wait.
i.imgur.com/hsTR1.jpg

1911566 I haven't read your story so I have no idea. It showed up in my notifications because you posted it to a group I'm in and I checked it out and I saw a comment that connected it to clop. Then you know the rest.

Anyway, if you can't make a very good explanation of something simple like that, I have worries for your literary skills. But I'm not going to bash them because I wouldn't know.

1911589 Descriptions are my weakness, but I'm much better at everything else, if I do say so myself
Wait, I'm being somewhat reasonable. You can't be reasonable at all on the internet. I think I have the perfect reaction pic...here we go!
i.imgur.com/l4feL.jpg

I frequently see these nose bleeds, however it is rare that they recover after the signs of their symptom is revealed...

1911628 Never said that I wasn't. :pinkiesmile:
Also, >tfw fluttershy ever
i.imgur.com/zsttg.jpg

After "My Name Is Pinkie", I figured you'd be interested in some feedback.

Overall, better. Without the lyrics in the fanfic, it's easier to enjoy even if you haven't heard the song it's based off of, and it was interesting getting in Vinyl's head for a while.

The main things I did notice that could use improvement:
There were a number of times where paragraphs should have been split up. For example, if Vinyl's reminiscing about the past, and then starts adjusting what she's playing in the present, that should be in a separate paragraph. Also, keep in mind that the more long paragraphs you have, the more difficult it gets to read. Of course, you don't want to go to the opposite extreme either...

Semicolons. Generally speaking, even when semicolons are used correctly, they shouldn't be used often, and there were quite a number of them in here.

I'd talk a bit about grammar and run-on sentences, but a lot of that seemed like it was intentional as part of Vinyl's character. You did do a good job of getting in character for this. It did seem like more could have happened outside of Vinyl's head to me, though.

In any case, I did include this one in Twilight's Library...

1911725 Personally, I believe the compacted paragraphs are a useful tool within syntax to maintain the feel that Vinyl's displayed thought progression mirrors the actions at the present within the story.

Also, although rare, semicolons do not have a numerical limit within a text and tend to make sense as a substitute conjunction, depending on the surrounding lexis. In these instances, they are just fine as they keep the text flowing, like speech, without breaking the technicalities of punctuation law.

I'm not trying to be confrontational, by the way, I'm just showing you the flip-side of what you're saying.

1911505
Cool! Be sure to check out his deviantART page, and you can let him know how much you like it :pinkiesmile:

1911637
Not really sure what you mean here, but it's kinda creepy :twilightsheepish:

1911628 1911640
Comment wars? In my story? Well, at least you kept it civil, which I thank you for. There's a time and a place for aggressive commenting, and it's called YouTube :rainbowlaugh:

1911725
Thanks dude, and thanks for having it in Twilight's Library :twilightsmile:

1912132
Maybe I need more commas :trollestia: commacommacommacommacomma *passes out*

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