Old stories, New beginnings
Child of the Night
by Field_Marshal_Luna
Co-written by AfterTouch
Chapter One: Old Stories, New beginnings
July 2nd
Year: 804 ADB (After Discord Banishment)
Perspective: Nightmare Moon
I slowly looked down into the bundle of cloth, as I cradled it in my hooves. "You are called Shadow Moon my little one" The small tyrian purple alicorn in my hooves giggled with a heart melting smile; her ethereal jet black mane was slightly tinged with a deep purple, her mane covered one of her beautiful purple draconic eyes as it blew in the non existent wind, her wings folded to her side and her horn was slightly protruding from the cloth.
"I love you Shadow, I will always be by your side." Small tears of joy began to trickle down my cheeks, ‘This is my foal, my beautiful foal...’
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 7th
Year: 1809 ADB
Perspective: Twilight Sparkle
The small purple air balloon slowly began to descend on the town of Ponyville, 'why did she send me to do this again?' the village itself was a small rustic farming town, wooden houses with straw roofs. The balloon finally landed and I began to climb out; just as one hoof touched the ground a pink whirl toppled me over, after I regained my sight, I noticed a over energetic pink mare; her mane and tail were pink again but it looked like they were inflated with air.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie what's your name?" Just as I was about to tell her she let out a large gasp and shot off like a bullet.
"Okay?" confused about how strange pinkie pie is I just sigh and bring out the checklist in my saddlebags.
"So...Applejack huh? I guess she is doing the food at... Sweet Apple Acres." I put the list back in my bag and started to walk into town, along the way I could only imagine how else I could spend my day then in this backward town. After about a ten minute walk, I found myself just outside sweet apple acres. In the fields I could see a orange mare apple bucking.
"Excuse me!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Can you come up here!" The orange mare turned around, as she saw me she smiled and slowly trotted towards me.
"Hello my name is Twilight Sparkle-"
"Well, howdy-doo, Miss Twilight, a pleasure makin' your acquaintance. I'm Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like making new friends!"
I frowned as my face deadpanned. "I don't think I am the type of person who you want to be frien-."
"So then what can I do for ya?" Applejack was stood there smiling at me again.
"Well I am here to check if you have all the food ready for the Summer Sun Celebration" I spat out the last three words.
"I sure am sugarcube, wanna sample some?"
At that point I turned around and started to slowly walk away. "No sorry, but I have a lot of other things to do."
Applejack frowned for a second, upset that I didn't stay. "Well I hope to see you at the Summer Sun celebration."
I looked back again and saw her smiling a big toothy grin. "Oh you will, and I am sure to look for you there."
"Okay next on the list is... Rainbow Dash... and she is sorting out the weather?" I look up into the sky and see it dotted with hundreds of little clouds, I deeply sigh in frustration. 'This is going to be a long day...'
After getting over my tantrum, I began to walk down the road which leads back into town, when I reached the bottom of the road I spotted a low flying cloud with a streak of rainbow coloured hair draping down. 'Rainbow mane? I guess that is her' I could not really careless right now so I amplified my voice. "Get up now!" My voice started to tremble the glass windows close by and caused Rainbow Dash to shoot about thirty feet into the air.
"Oh my god" Rainbow Dash landed on the ground next to me panting deeply in shock. "Sweet Celestia that scared the hay out of me!" I chuckled lightly at Rainbow's antics, 'best part of my day so far...'
"Hi I'm Twilight Sparkle," 'I hate this job...' "and I am here to help organize the summer sun celebration!" I said in a fake cheery tone. "It says here that you are to manage the weather in Ponyville?"
"Yep. Name's Rainbow Dash, best youngest flier in all of Equestria and soon to be Wonderbolt!" Rainbow spoke in an over confident tone, 'And I couldn't really careless .'
"Okay... well you need to get a move on since there are hundreds of clouds in the sky..."
"Pfft, I can clear that in ten. Seconds.Flat." The last three words were emphasized with her hoof moving across in a 'chill out' sort of sign. I can already tell this mare is going to get on my nerves... "Okay then; prove it." I smirked as Rainbow glared daggers at me.
"Fine" In a flash Rainbow Dash shot into the air and began bucking clouds into nothingness, my smirk grew; 'piece of cake...' after exactly ten seconds Rainbow Dash landed besides me again panting with a 'I proved you wrong' look.
"Told *pant* I could *pant* do it."
"Yeah you sure showed me... and Rainbow Dash? Thanks for making my job a whole lot easier." I turned around and headed off towards my next destination, 'hmmm so I am looking for a yellow pegasus called Fluttershy, And she is found in her cottage by the Everfree Forest?' shaking my head I began to trot out of town and crossing small, old bridge which crossed a small stream.
In front of me was a medium sized cottage, it was very quaint and rustic and looked rather inviting. Outside the cottage though was a yellow Pegasus; her mane and tail were both baby pink, the mare seemed shy as she hid behind her mane.
"Hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle and I am here to help organize the Summer Sun Celebration" 'So help me god, if I have to say that line again I will rip out someone's esophagus!' The shy mare seemed to shrink at my words.
"I'm Flutter..." She spoke so softly it could tame a manticore.
"I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that." She looked down at her hooves and hid her face behind her mane again.
"My name is Fluttersh..."
"One more time please." I put on a friendly grin trying to boost her confidence.
This time no words came out only a high-pitched squeal. "Well... I am here to check on the progress on the birds." Instantly her attitude changed from quiet and shy to very enthusiastic.
"Oh! Well why didn't you say so; me and my feathered little friends have been practicing all morning!"
"Oh well why don't I take a look then?" The timid yellow Pegasus nodded and began to trot towards a small oak tree full of different species of birds. Fluttershy walked up in front of the birds and spoke in a commanding, but motherly tone. "Now come on let's show Miss Twilight what we have learned today!"
One side of the tree began to whistle a soft and slow tune, it was melodic and comforting; it was the type of tune you would sing a foal at bedtime. Then, the middle section of the birds began to chirp adding more character into the harmony, it reached deep into the soul and toyed with my emotions, I felt happy and powerful for once today, it was as if all my stress and anger had left. 'Fluttershy has some amazing talent with animals! It would take months for the trainers at the castle to organize this...' Finally the final section of the birds began to contribute the part, with all three sections singing and chirping in harmony it was like a full orchestra playing an amazing symphony; slowly the birds began to fade out into a soft hum, and finally cutting out altogether.
"Wow Fluttershy! That is amazing! I don't think I have ever met somepony with as much talent with animals than you" Fluttershy blushed at my compliment, her light yellow coat tinged with a deep red blush.
"Oh... it was nothing really, it was just my special talent..."
"Anyway I see you are ahead of schedule, so I will leave you be for the rest of the day." I lightly smile at the timid young Pegasus and turn around, only to stop and look back. "Um, sorry about this... but do you know where carousel boutique is?"
"Oh... its um in the town centre... it looks like a large tent... you can't miss it." I nod again in thanks and began to trot back into town. 'Well that has lifted my spirits up in this awful town, finally somepony with proper organizational skills!'
I made my trip back into town crossing the same old bridge and down the paths into the centre, the streets were lightly dotted with pony's shopping in the market, to the west of the market was what Fluttershy had described, 'Hmm, ha it does kinda look like a tent' I trotted towards the entrance and opened the door, as it opened a small bell chimed to signal that a customer had arrived.
A high-pitched female voice came out from the back of the shop "I'm coming! Just wait one second please!" A snow white unicorn mare came out from behind a purple dressing curtain, she had deep azure eyes, her purple mane and tail were curled, causing them to hug her body tightly. "What can I do for you today madam?" Her voice was etiquette and refined, and her accent was of the upper crust nobles of Canterlot.
"Yes Miss Rarity, I am Twilight Sparkle, and I am here to organize the summer sun celebration." Rarity's jumped back slightly in shock.
"Y-your T-Twilight Sparkle?! Celestia's prized student?! Celestia's prized student is in my boutique!" I sighed deeply at her rant, 'I hate this job...'
"Please... just shut up." Immediately Rarity stopped talking and shied away; hiding behind her mane.
"I'm sorry... about that was very unprofessional of me... now please tell me what I can do for you today?"
"Well like I said, I am here to overlook and organize the Summer Sun Celebration; and I can already tell you are well on your way with your work so I do not think there is any need for me here..." I really could not be bothered anymore; I just want to get to the library and go to sleep.
"Oh, of course darling; I am sure you have a million and one thing's you would rather be doing right now," This mare is smarter than I thought. "Oh and darling, if you would ever like a dress do not hesitate to call for me, the first is always free." Rarity smiled at me and I forced smile back. "Goodbye Rarity, I will see you at the celebration." I turned around and walked out of the door, 'God it's been a long day. I can't wait until I can just go to sleep' As I left the boutique I noticed the moon was slowly rising, the image of a mare on the moon slowly lifted above the horizon, the mare was linked to the legend of 'The mare of the moon.' But I know Nightmare Moon will be released tomorrow, I slowly made my way to my temporary home, as I enjoyed the cool air hitting my coat, finally I was at the library; it was a large tree and was near the town centre
I walked down my path and opened the door, inside was pitch black causing me to stumble around whilst I looked for the light switch, 'gotcha!' I flicked on the lights.
"SURPRISE!" Twenty ponies jumped out from nowhere and scared the living hay out of me! It took all my restraint to not snap one of their necks out of surprise, out of the crowed the same pink mare came hopping towards me.
"Were you surprised? Huh huh huh?" 'What was her name again? I think her name was Pinkie Pie.'
"Uh sure, now please I am going to bed I've had a very long day." ,I said in a very bored tone, Pinkie's mane deflated and she put on world-class puppy dog eyes.
"D-did you not like the party?" Pinkie started to cry a little, if it was anyone else they would have apologized immediately, but I couldn't really careless.
I ignored her and trotted up my steps into my bedroom. I opened the double door's which led to the balcony, I looked up at the moon again, 'Please return... I miss you.' I yawned deeply 'oh I guess today took more out of me than I thought, it would be best if I got a few hours of sleep before the raising of the sun.' I began to trot towards the small bed in the centre of the room.
As I laid down onto the bed I slowly began to drift off to sleep, 'I'll see you soon... we will be together once again.'
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I love NMM stories.
twilight evil alicorn???
I LIKE IT!!!!
Obviously the first chapter is just laying the groundwork for NMM's return, so not overly concerned with the repetition of the show.
Good things:
Obviously, I like the premise of the story. I assume that as chapters go on we will find out more of how this all came about. Especially how Twilight has been able to stay hidden.
Also, the flow was pretty good. I never felt as though I was reading a screenplay or a list of actions that the characters are doing.
Things to take into consideration:
With inner thoughts you are currently designating them with single 's. Might be a bit easier on the eyes if you changed it to italics. the west of the market was what Fluttershy had described, ‘Hmm, ha it does kinda look like a tent!’ I trotted towards the entrance and opened the door, as it opened a ....
If I think of anything else I'll post again. As it stands I'm looking forward to more.
Cheers,
Okay...
*Knuckles Cracked*
Lets get down to business. First off I love you idea with this story. The whole idea of Twilight being Nightmare Moon foal in-disguised is both original and simple.
I always held a preference to darker Twilight focused fanfic that essentially involve Nightmare moon to play a part as a major role in the story. I think you pulled off the first chapter wonderfully. In fact, within the four lines in I was immensely drawn into the story and also for your first story you did a great laying out the framework for the whole story.
Now the only thing that I could see wrong with the story was a few Capitalization errors with proper nouns and that it.
You sir have earn my respect and a like and favorite and I shall be watching you for on.
Keep up the Good Work!
1854556 Yeh there was a bit of an error with the italics, it was italics on the original document so I will get Field to get that fixed. And I am glad you guys are all enjoying the story
Your getting a watch and favorite bitch
1854791 Okay thanks for pointing that out I will go through the first chapter and get Field to re-upload it and thanks it was actually really hard to make it believable for twilight to be bitchy but if you think twilight is bitchy now... wait till next chapter
Okay, first off: I love the concept and the start has me intrigued.
However, as others have pointed out there were some technical problems with the story. Fix those and this story is solid.
Still, I am up voting this and adding to my favourites.
Looking forward to more!
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7bjvpfcsh1r3k1m8o1_500.png
interseting
where is spike?
does he not exist in this universe?
Huh, mature and 'I dont give a fuck' Twi, No spike, and hidden mother-daughter relations. I look forward to more!
This could use some work, and don't forget to use conjunctions.
Besides that, I'd like to see where this goes.
Not bad. Some missing commas, but that's standard fare for first fics and not debilitating unless it's never fixed and continues to exist in future chapters.
the swearing seems a bit over used and that kinda ruins it. Also I usually don't care about grammer but there where some areas the drove me nuts. take care of that it would be a good story,
1854556 Thanks mate, this really helps a lot cheers
1854565 Thanks! I'll get my mate and we'll sort this out so we can fix those problems
1854708 O....K.....THANKS
1854791 Will get to work on those, THANKS
1854861 Thanks, since I'm not flying out to America we'll get the next chapter up asap
1855490 Will keep that in mind thanks
WHO MISSED THE THUMBS UP????!?!?!??! not you guys above but to the general population.
Capitalization. Punctuation. Spacing.
Those three elements have a lot of errors in this short set up of the story. Premise has promise, as, well, a lot of folks enjoy the Twilight and Nightmare Moon combo when they are put together. But, right now, I basically skimmed through it after reading the first 20 lines or so, as the errors kept me from really reading it in depth. A little cleaning will go a loooooong long way for you.
1856410 ok thats what I needed. Thanks for getting me off my lazy arse
going to correct and re-upload
Promising story is promising.
I have to say this fic looks promising. There is a lot of potential here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SCREW IT UP!
1856662
O-ok I-I...won't
1856742
Good. This is a most excellent turn of events.
Well, the descriptions aren't very good, and the dialogue leaves much to be desired, but the concept of Twilight being Nightmare Moon's daughter is really quite intriguing. But what about her parents? Or Shining Armor? How is she Celestia's student? I hope you won't just overlook these questions, since that bit of backstory with NMM is actually entirely irrelevant and explains nothing. You could remove it and lose nothing. In fact, if you just made it a surprise that Twilight is NMM's daughter, that'd actually be pretty cool. Finally, using big words doesn't always make you look smarter. In fact, using words like anthracite only serve to make you look desperate. It's like if Lovecraft vomited on Dickens and cleaned it up with Tolkein's underwear. But anyway, let's see where this goes.
This is what i call " a story worth a follow!"
+Good work you're making, sir :)
1856867 Yes all of those questions will be answered, some quicker than others, for instance we did not find out about shinning armour until season 2 and thanks for you critique, but for the big words anthracite is a colour and I didn't want to just say her grey mane... but everyone has their own opinions. I hope you enjoy the further chapters though.
Disclaimer: The following review is intended to be helpful. If it offends, please disregard in its entirety.
The premise interested me enough to give it a go, but there are a lot of errors here. I'm not going to say anything about word choice - except for 'anthracite', since her hair is apparently made of coal. Why not 'jet black'? Anyway, I'm still curious about what you intend to do with the story, but it could really use a bit of proofing. Here's a sample paragraph:
So I'm seeing missing punctuation and a huge run-on sentence right off the bat. Here's how it should look (including italics for thoughts, which just sets them off more clearly):
You could also spend some more time on description and give us some background for why Twilight is so cranky, though I suppose the latter part will be explained in later chapters. Overall it seems very rushed, as if you wrote it very quickly just to get it out. I'd recommend spending some time on editing and maybe find a beta reader to give you a hand, since you already have a building audience.
HOW MANY UNIVERSES ARE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1857706 Thanks mate will try to punch out all the errors.
NMM is best mom, I hope
I really like these kind of stories, where Twilight has a different backstory and this one looks particulary interesting. Fav'd and upvoted and I'll be eagerly awaiting the next chapter
1858292 thanks mate, will try to update asap and get out all the damned errors
looks good mate
i don't know what "After touch" does for you, but if he's editing/proofreading; get one more; he missed quite a few things (assuming that he did help you with that), preferably one that can pre-read and give you constructive feedback about how you're writing it as well.
the beginning had good potential; but turned out pretty stale (the NMM part) in the end. it was too short and didn't really build any anticipation.
lots of swearing, excessive swearing is pretty flow-breaking. as well as the swearing; twilight is kinda OOC, she's way more brutal than she should be. she was more annoyed than anything in the show.
i don't really like first person view that much, but it's a style i guess.
hmmmm...... i'm thinking this has the potential to be an excellent story.. i hope you update soon :)
Hmmm, I don't think Twilight should know NNM is her mother. But maybe that's just me...
Apart from that; it's a really fine story.
This is a nice concept. lets see another chapter.
1860552 I kinda wanted to follow the first episode just to show how much this Twilight is much different from the first episode or any other story out there. Also thanks I WILL NOT LET YOU ALL DOWN!
This looks promising but I noticed a few grammar mistakes making twilight sound like English is her second language and this is coming from a dyslexic that can't spell for all the money in the world and has to use spell check constantly so grammar mistakes that I pick up are, well they shouldn't be there.
Maby getting a pre reader would help
But overall I think you should continue and I hope that you can make this story as amazing as it can be
1860635 My editor and I are British so there are some spelling differences, but if your also from the U.K. then.....nvm
I'm from nz but I sort of went of tangent with the spelling part of my comment sorry, it was just some of it read like you were trying to give twighlight a stereotypical Russian accent
And sorry for the bit of a rant earlyr it sort of gave the wrong impression of what I was trying to say hopefully this comment will get it across better
If you want to know the bit that stood out lots was when twilight said "Uh sure, now please I am going to bed I’ve had a very long day.”
Or maby I'm crazy and you should just ignor every thing I just said
1860687 Well, anyway thanks for your opinioins
sounds good. Can't wait for more
1858257 Well it is called the multiverse, so there is probably an infinite amount of them
Well, well, well, you've done it, you got me hooked on a new story that look very promising, and while there is errors and unknowns, like where the hay is Spike, I can see where you come from because I have the exact same story-building mode, that said, I have only a few things to add ,so here:
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/022/1/7/175a86bf037e964ba562ea0fdee1671c-d4nb70q.jpg
I'm curious. What groups did you submit to to get 500 reads in the first day?
I REQUEST MORE INTERESTING CHAPTERS ON MY DESK ASAP If you don't mind,
1861439 Of cause I don't mind
I will be starting chapter two tonight when I get back from a party 
me and my furry little friends have been practicing all morning!
And which of those birds are furry?
Technically, it should also be "my feathered friends and I".
1862562 Well played
I'll fix it now lol
1861372 a lot
It is a very interesting concept but I did read a few stories that Twilight is Luna's daughter but not Nightmare Moon. I am sorry but when I was reading the comments there was some people that wanted to know what happened to Spike. Can you let us in on that? I will fallow this and see what happens.
1863941 well thank you first of all and let be known SPIKE WILL BE IN THIS I'M NOT SURE HOW I WANT HIM TO BE IN THE STORY THOU DON'T WORRY EXPECTED APPEARANCE IS PROBABLY CHAPTER 3
but that is an announcement for everybody since it seems no one reads my blogs
but yea