Good Night
The cheering slowly faded away as the stallion walked through the backstage of his studio. He didn't give any of his new employees a word, despite the twelve hour days that Coltbert previously gave each of his staff in order to make sure that the one and only episode of The Coltbert Report would be the best that he could bring.
The white walls of the hallway slid past his vision as the pundit continued until he was out of the studio. Coltbert let out a sigh before he let his exhaustion take hold. He collapsed on the sidewalk and shut his bloodshot eyes in order to quell the stinging pain that remained with keeping them open for more than sixteen hours. His glasses slowly slipped off of his muzzle and he adjusted them, only to let out another inhale of exhaustion as he took a moment to catch his breath.
His vision was replaced with black as he covered his face with his forehooves. A headache was assaulting his mind. The crickets replaced the hearing in his left ear as he took a minute to simply relax. Sure, it was on the dirt sidewalk outside the main establishment that caused his exhaustion, but he could not complain since he couldn't continue. He almost tripped when he moved to high hoof his crowd. It was a good thing that makeup was as advanced as it was back on Earth, because the tiredness and bloodshot eyes would have been shown otherwise.
His left ear straightened as he heard the collective shuffle of hooves on the tile floor behind him. Coltbert crawled away from the entrance to the building and pushed his back up against the side of the studio, his hooves shaking to keep him up. The doors to the studio were pushed open and he could hear numerous members of his crowd as they praised the show.
“The best show I've seen in Equestria. Bar none.”
“Coltbert was so hot, did you see him in that suit?”
“Oh Celestia, I can't wait to see next week's show.”
The clinking of the bit bags that were attached to the crowd's waists made his migraine even worse, but the pain was not even close to the clenching feeling that pooled in his stomach. Coltbert's eyes widened and his ears lowered as he realized the lack of finality that was placed into his show. He wasn't planning on another episode. Within the mixture of energy drinks, dozen hour meetings with his new staff, and a collective writing process, he forgot to put in an ending speech.
His legs finally gave out and he slid down the wall until his rump met his back hooves. His forehooves moved over his eyes once more as they pushed aside the glasses to address the burning problem. When would the public find out? Would they tune in next week and be completely disappointed with the lack of a future episode? The ache in his haunches slowly started to exude out of his muscles and he reclaimed the ability to stand. Once everypony's talking faded into the darkness, Coltbert moved back to his hooves and dashed back into the building.
Not a single member of his staff met up with him until Coltbert opened the prop door that lead to his set and rushed inside. Cameramen were turning off their cameras while others turned off the lights to the set and removed any excess things that he used during the show. The room was met with silence as Coltbert struggled to form an opening statement.
All of his staff were immediately concerned for him when they saw the condition that he was in, but one of them was the first to speak. “Hey Coltbert, you doing alright?” the colt asked.
Coltbert put a hoof up as he finally caught his breath. “Everypony,” he said as he took a few more huffs to gather his breath, “we need a re-shoot. Turn the cameras back on, we don't need the teleprompter. I just need Camera A.”
Some of the crew members were confused, probably because this sudden change of plans was worrying. After all, it was being initiated by a stallion that didn't sleep well. Even though the crew was professional, gossip quickly spread throughout them. One of the particular pieces of gossip was the fact that Coltbert didn't sleep much over the last three days.
The cameraman for Camera A did as he was told. As if they were sent by Celestia herself, Coltbert's extra writers moved onto the set, the clopping of their hooves filling up the room until the entire Coltbert crew was in a circle around the tired stallion. Coltbert pointed at the logo lights, which were currently off. “I need the lights on, I need everything on,” he said as he sat down at his desk chair. He motioned for one of the writers to give him a piece of paper, which was quickly handed to him.
Coltbert started to scrawl out a few paragraphs of a closing statement. All eyes were on him as the silence once again purged the room of the comfortable atmosphere that it previously held when the show was being made. However, it wasn't out of fear, it was out of worry. One of Coltbert's other writers, a light green Pegasus with a golden mane and a pencil for a cutie mark moved over to Coltbert and placed his hoof on the piece of paper, which blocked Coltbert's view. “Hey, you have to tell us what is going on. Why do we need to re-tape? We did everything by the script, the show ran perfectly. What's wrong?” he asked.
Coltbert placed his hooves on the desk as his train of thought for the speech was lost. The plagues of a sleep deprived brain were numerous, one of them being short term memory loss. He was frustrated that he instantly lost the words to his speech. He could have written it all on his own if the interloping hoof didn't meet his vision. “We need to add something to the end. I need to have a closing speech, or something,” Coltbert said in barely more than a whisper.
The green stallion was confused, and he lightly pulled the paper from Coltbert's hooves as the pundit placed his head onto the desk, as if that would bring his memory back. He read the paper and his eyes widened. “Wait a minute, aren't we going to have a show next week? I thought that these long hour days were because of the show,” he said.
Coltbert shook his head as he tried to form a response. “It was... but only for one show. I only planned on doing one show.”
The silence of the crew made Coltbert even more uncomfortable. Did he really forget to tell them that this was going to be a one time thing? He straightened his head and looked at the numerous stallions and mares that were staring at him, but broke their stare as Coltbert looked at them. “I didn't tell any of you this?” he asked.
Every member of the crew shook their heads. One crew member raised his hoof, “I believe the call for us writers asked for comedy writers who were able to write a formulaic show that could span several seasons. You wrote that, right?” he asked.
Despite the sleep deprivation, Coltbert was immediately able to make the connection: Celestia. The combination of his ambivalence towards continuing the show and Celestia's obvious intentions caused this. He looked to the piece of paper that he was writing as it was placed back into his vision by the green colt. He laughed a few times as he realized what Celestia was trying to do. “No, no I didn't,” he replied.
Another writer, a light red mare with an unkempt blue mane stepped forward. “Well, what is it Boss? Are we re-taping or not?” she asked while her gaze shifted between the cameras and Coltbert.
The words slowly moved through Coltbert's mind and he placed his head back onto the desk to block out the inhibiting lights that helped to continue his migraine. He couldn't make a response, since he quickly lost consciousness as the stimulating effects of his last energy drink left him.
~~
“Once again, Barack Obama has let this country down by...”
It was noise, and yet it was research. Stephen sighed and pressed the “Mute” button on his remote to quell the noise. Hearing that phrase was certainly tiring after five years of it. He turned to the pile of parchment in front of him and felt a large amount of deja vu. This was the same amount of mail that previously assaulted him at his studio office. Colbert was confused. The lunch that he previously ate was still settling in his stomach, and Princess Celestia managed to send him forty resume scrolls over the time between his teleport back to Earth and the time that it took him to make a cup of coffee. It was as if she was ready for his agreement...
Stephen slit the protective sticker around the first scroll and opened it before he took a glance at the door. He held the scroll with one hand while the other pushed the rest of the scrolls into one of his open desk drawers. If his wife caught him with one scroll, he could explain that. Forty scrolls however would eliminate his lie pretty quickly. His wife was smart, probably smarter than him. He couldn't take any risks.
Colbert heard a knock at his door and he smiled while he shoved the scroll into another desk drawer of his. He allowed the nearby television to spout its drivel once more while he turned to the door. “Come in,” he said.
Evelyn walked into the room with a smile on her face and a plate of food resting atop her hands. “Hey Honey,” she said as she moved over to Stephen. She placed the plate onto the office desk and pulled up a chair to sit across from him. She intentionally paused before she began. “I missed you.”
Stephen knew that he was in a trap. “The Pause” as he liked to call it, was only used for discussions that would span longer than the actual conversation. Where was Princess Celestia when he needed her? Stephen kept the smile and pretended to be oblivious to his wife's intentions. He reached for the food and took a small bite. He was still full from the lunch, but he forgot to tell his wife. “I missed you as well,” Stephen said in response. He made sure not to miss a beat. “The lunch I had was delicious.”
Evelyn nodded her head and let out a small laugh. It sounded harmless, but he could tell that she was annoyed. While she was perfectly fine with him having lunch in his office, she would have appreciated any kind of announcement that he was coming home. She was left in the dark while he slipped into his office and closed the door. “So how was the lunch?” she asked.
“Oh, it was fine,” Stephen replied as he took another bite in order to give him a few seconds to create his response. “Someone wanted me to participate in... another project.”
Evelyn raised an eyebrow before she leaned over and placed her chin on top of her interlocked fingers. “And what is this project?” she asked. Generalities were never something that her husband liked to use. He was usually short and to the point at home.
Colbert let the fork rest on the plate as he pushed the plate away from himself. The glass tapped against Evelyn's fingers as she kept her stare on her husband. He sighed. “It's in another country,” he responded. It wasn't a complete lie. Although he hated lying to his wife, he knew that he couldn't tell her the truth. He was barely able to wrap his head around the lunch that he had with the princess. How was he going to explain it to his wife? He couldn't, that was the point.
Evelyn sat up in her chair and crossed her arms. Her impatience showed in her voice as she responded. “I know that you are hiding something from me Stephen.”
Stephen felt a pang of guilt assault his chest, but he made sure to use every fiber of his acting degree for this conversation. “I have nothing to hide Eve,” he said. “It's just more business stuff.”
Evelyn let out a sigh, stood up from her chair, and walked over to the door. Her fingertips gently grasped the door handle she kept her stare on him. “I trust you Stephen. I don't have any reason not to. But I'm confused... why can't you tell me?”
Stephen stood up from the chair as he noticed his wife's grip on the doorknob. It was increasing to the point where her knuckles were turning red. “Do I tell you everything that goes on with each show that I do? No, I don't,” he responded as he walked over to Evelyn. He held her with another sigh. “Just trust me on this. When the project is ready, I'll show it to you. Is that fair?”
Evelyn didn't speak for a few moments. She looked back to Stephen's desk and then back to her husband. “Want me to leave you alone?” she asked.
Stephen hated this question since the both of them knew the answer. Stephen nodded his head and gave her a kiss on the lips before he walked back to his desk. Evelyn closed the door behind her and walked off, which left Colbert to his thoughts. As much as he wanted to walk back to his bedroom and reconcile with his wife, the forty scrolls in his desk were preventing him from doing so. He had a show to put on. With a sigh, he opened the desk and pulled the previous resume scroll out. “I'm going to regret this,” he said as he scanned it and after a few minutes, scrawled “No” across the scroll. The parchment evaporated in his hands and Stephen let out a sigh before he pulled out another scroll.
~
“Boss. Hey. Hey Boss.”
Coltbert's eyes slowly opened and the flashing pain of his migraine assaulted him once more. He placed his face in his hooves to try and dull the pain from the lights while he responded. “What?”
“Are you okay? Are we going to re-tape? We are all still here,” the light red mare responded.
Stephen endured the pain of his migraine in order to give a glance to his staff. The clock in the back of the room told him that he passed out for fifteen minutes. “What the... don't you all have places to be?”
The green colt shook his head. “We figured you needed at least a small amount of sleep. I would take you home, but none of us know where you live.”
Coltbert stood up from his chair and looked to the audio mixing pony, a tan colt with a soundboard as his cutie mark. “Get the tape ready with Mix Master and send it off. We don't need to re-tape,” he said as he walked back to the exit of the set.
“Does that mean that the show will air next week?”
Coltbert sighed and stopped. “I don't know,” he replied to the door as he opened it and exited his studio.
The cold draft of the Canterlot evening chilled Coltbert's face. His eyes stung from the wind. Across the city, he could see Princess Celestia's castle in all of its glory. He needed to talk to the Princess, but he doubted that he would be able to walk to the castle. His legs were begging him to lay down, he doubted that he could make the journey.
As if his mind was read, a humming feeling started to move through his muscles. His legs stopped shaking and the migraine exuded out of his head. His bloodshot eyes were ameliorated, and the tense muscles in his back started to relax and heal. Coltbert started to glow with white energy and his eyes widened at the sudden spell. He knew what it was, but he couldn't be sure that it was Celestia that was casting it. His questions were answered as the Canterlot road was replaced with Celestia's throne room. Coltbert let out an “Oof” as he fell onto the floor.
Princess Celestia smiled and lowered the magical barrier on Coltbert. “It's very nice to see you again, Stephen Coltbert,” she said as she trotted across the room and grasped his hoof. “I take it that you have finished the taping of your first show?”
Coltbert shook Celestia's hoof a few times before he let go. The renewed vigor in his body allowed him to nod his head, but the fear over the fact that he was still inside of her world made him second guess his possible outburst. A few good questions would help him ease into it. “How did you know that I was going to be done at this exact time?” he asked.
Princess Celestia smiled and took a step back from the stallion. “You sent me a letter with the time that you would be done when you finished the script, remember?”
Stephen paused and placed a hoof underneath his chin. His body might not be tired anymore, but his mind remained exhausted. He let out a nervous laugh and shook his head. “I guess not. My apologies, I haven't exactly been sleeping well,” he responded as he tried to formulate some kind of segue into his anger.
Celestia started to walk out of the throne room, “Follow me, let's take a walk,” she said as the light clops of her hooves followed her into the grand hallway of the castle.
Coltbert followed, but remained silent. As he walked alongside the Princess, he noticed a certain lack of shine in the Princess' mane. Her tail was still billowing in the night air, but it seemed unkempt and messy than when he first met her. Sure, sometimes regal figures had to “let their hair down” every once in a while, but a quivering thought in the back of Coltbert's mind made him wonder if it was his fault. Was the tiredness of teleportation already taking its effect?
Princess Celestia seemed to not care about Coltbert's stare. She turned to Coltbert and her horn started to glow once more. “I take it that you want me to teleport you back to your home world?” she asked.
Coltbert shook his head. “No. Well... I do... but I need to talk to you about something first.”
“I'm listening.”
“Why didn't you tell any of my staff when you took their resumes that this show was only going to last for one episode?” Coltbert asked. Although he wanted to sound angry, he failed for this question. He just ended up sounding like he was woken up in the middle of the night.
Celestia's smile was replaced with a surprised expression. Her tone changed to a nervous one as Coltbert stared her down. “I... don't know if you still plan on doing one or the other. Did you honestly want me to hire writers for one show that might not remain if you chose to continue this?” she asked. “If I helped you hire writers that couldn't handle a longer show... they wouldn't last as long.”
Coltbert nodded his head and sighed. The princess was softening in front of him. She didn't get defensive, or angry, and she didn't even try to lie. As much as he wished that he could help, he didn't realize that creating The Coltbert Report would be this tiring for him.
Within three days, he managed to create a show in the exact image as his own on Earth. Since it was taped and the crowd was paid to cheer, he wouldn't know if his show had any effect on Equestria until he was back home. This didn't help with the fact that he angered his wife in order to keep the secret, and relinquished valuable time that he could have spent with his family. As much as he wanted to continue, the sacrifices were too high. “I'm sorry Princess Celestia, but I can't continue. I just hope that my show will help open up some eyes and point out a few problems with the Equestrian media circle. Good luck with your empire, Princess. I would like to go home now.”
Princess Celestia remained frozen with her gaze on Coltbert. Her hooves softly pressed against the tile floor. Small cracks formed in the porcelain as she tried to hold in the maelstrom of feelings that assaulted her. She wanted to scream in the Royal Canterlot Voice her denial of his wishes. He was her last hope, and her inability to covet his wishes was the first domino in the downfall of her empire. She lowered her head. “I understand. May luck grace your future endeavors... Stephen Colbert,” Celestia said.
Despite her bottled up feelings, Stephen was able to feel the turmoil in the Princess' tone. She sounded almost as tired as him, but he knew that she wasn't physically tired. Celestia's horn glowed with a dim light as Coltbert was lifted into the air of the grand hallway. He disappeared within minutes and Celestia let out a grunt of exertion as she focused on getting the human back to his world.
Colbert fell onto the bed in his bedroom. All that came out of him was a grunt as the exhaustion of Equestria's antics made him fall asleep within seconds.
Evelyn's eyes widened as she stood nearby the bed, her jaw hung agape at what she just witnessed.
Princess Celestia exhaled as her horn dimmed. The exhaustion of the day was fully affecting her. She walked over to her room and closed the door behind her. One more spell locked her room door and placed a sound barrier on her room to block any peeping ponies. Once she made sure that no one could hear her, she let the tears slide down her cheeks. “I tried,” Celestia said as her eyes stared up at the ceiling. Her vision was blurred by her tears, before it was replaced with black as she collapsed backwards on her bed.
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No, not antics. Antic. Singular. There was one show, therefore one antic.
Something wafted through my mind as I read this chapter:
"I just don't see how I can do this, unless you can magically clone me... wait, CAN you magically clone me?"
And yes, I heard it in Stephen's voice.
2014413However, there were all of the actions of planning, scripting and recording the show. In addition, he openly confronted the ruler of a foreign nation and was put into a position where he had to dance around the truth in a manner very similarly to that of lying – with his wife. I'd say that "antics" is more appropriate than "antic."
but... how will he write more shows now?
(Joke) Alt. Title: Louis Dangle's Status Report: Featured Satirical News Is Good Satirical News
For some reason, I got this mixed-up with Conan. I have no idea why... Also, have some Whose's Line with him.
Someones getting the dog-house.
2014687
I loved that episode.
Well I think that you should go and finish that next chapter. I'm watching you.
More~
WE NEED MMMOOOOAAAARRRRR
i would give it a like, were it not for the fact that I already liked it
; )
Awww... poor Celestia.
Keep up the good work!
But I can also understand where Coltbert is coming from... you've done a good job of showing how worn he was from trying to create the show in Equestira. Looking forward to seeing where this goes, how it continues and I'm also looking forward to seeing his relationship with his wife.
It's okay Celestia...
images.wikia.com/creepypasta/images/2/24/You_tried.jpg
Awesome chapter, you are doing great. :3
Great chapter. I doubt there should be a second episode.
2015547
Am I a bad person for hoping coltbert causes equestria to overthrow the princesses?
2014585 He still has, like... what was it, 39 scrolls? I'm sure if he writes on one of them, it will still get sent to Celestia
2014788 Maybe later. She's probably still in shock from seeing her husband materialize floating above the bed.
2016132
as much as i like the idea of more shows. i doubt celestia would leave them in his world, seems kinda irresponsible and worse yet, not believable of a god :/
2017849 ... The uh.. Author's Note SAYS that the next chapter is called Episode 2... There's GOING TO BE a second episode... I'm just saying one way in which it could happen, that's all.
2017855
i know, im just speculating as to how, as well as hoping the author doesnt use that particular idea, its a fine idea, but it just doesnt seem believable to me is all
2018005 ... Why? How could she have destroyed scrolls that he put in his desk drawer? I mean, seriously, she's exhausting herself with teleporting him all over the place, like she REALLY has the energy needed to take the scrolls back and burn them. Personally, I see the extra letters as a guilt gambit that Celestia is risking.
2018012 i dunno, i just feel leaving random enchanted paper in an alternate universe is pretty irrisponsible and unlike celestia, also keep in mind the massive difference between teleporting a living being as well as altering its entire anatomy, and just simply destroying the scrolls with or without teleporting
Meh, needs more alligators.
Feed me moar story. this is good.
"Invitation of technology"? Don't you mean invention?
2027457
It can go either way.
2027513 It doesn't make that much sense, grammatically, at least in the context of what you have.
That was great. I didn't think this story would work, but it does.
Hm. Interested to see how Colbert is gonna get roped back into this. I suppose there'll be plenty of troubled reflection, but he's seemed pretty dead-set on not continuing right from the start; I'm not even entirely sure why he agreed to do the first episode.
Guess I'll just have to wait for the next chapter, eh?
2031724
The audience was paid for. Also, Celestia said she would have the show on the highest viewed slot on television. She works in mysterious ways.
Suggested chapter title: I am Equestria (And So Can You!)
2039280
That's a separate novel. Believe me.
Hella good. Now Celestia will lose her empire and her little ponies will shun her.... I do not wish for that to happen, come back Stephen!