Episode 1: Clean Spring
An eagle screech alerted the audience that the show they came to see was finally starting. The camera focused in on Stephen Coltbert. “Tonight!” Stephen said as he pointed his hoof at the camera, “is Princess Celestia abusing her powers? I would tell you, but her guards are right off screen. Then, is Ponyville getting ready for war? I would say yes, if they had enough ponies for one. Plus, I sit down with environmentalist Clean Spring, who says that Cloudsdale's rainbows are dirtier than ever. In related news, cloud porn sales are at an all time high. Today is the anniversary of Nightmare Moon's banishment. I guess you could say her appearances are once in a blue moon. This is The Coltbert Report.”
The camera transitioned to a beautifully rendered cinematic of Stephen Coltbert running through numerous flags of previous invaders on a background of red, white, and blue. The theme song for the Colbert Report started to play as the cinematic continued. The invader flags disintegrated as Coltbert passed through them. Within a few feet of the last flag, Stephen grabbed an erect Equestrian flag out of the ground and jumped off camera.
The view changed to Coltbert falling through the same environment before he turned to stare at the camera with a serious face. The flag collided with the ground and sent out a shock wave in the form of the Equestrian flag sigil as Coltbert straightened his posture and smirked. The title emblem for The Coltbert Report flashed over the screen before another eagle screech transitioned the cut between the cinematic and the camera that focuses on Stephen, otherwise known as “Camera A”.
Stephen raised his hoof and smiled as he waved at numerous crowd members who were dispersed through the back wall. At least a hundred ponies were sitting in the stands and they cheered for a good minute. They chanted Stephen's name for another fifteen seconds as he smiled and stood up from his chair. He pantomimed a vacuum's movements as if he was sucking in the excitement of the crowd. “Oh yes,” Stephen said as he sat back in his chair. “Oh yes. Thank you. Sit down, sit down, we got a show to do here. I tell you folks, your excitement is so delicious, I feel like asking Gustave Le Grand to make a dessert out of it.”
“Now folks, you know that I have never been a fan of Princess Celestia. She has governed for more than a thousand years, which means she is probably going to be up for reelection sometime soon. Now, she arose controversy within a certain minority of ponies in Canterlot for the strings that she pulled for Rarity, a fashion designer in Ponyville. Apparently, Rarity was allowed to stay in the Canterlot Castle, free of charge, because she was friends with Twilight Sparkle, who is Celestia's student. She caught fire from the right from the National Canterlot Freedom Club and it's president. NCFC founder and switched stork baby Questionable Actions had these words to say.”
The view switched to a video clip of a tan earth pony who was being interviewed by a local news crew. A brown building took up the background with the NCFC letters stamped above the entrance to the building. Questionable Actions had a very impassive expression and tone on his face, despite the fact that they were apparently supposed to be angered by Princess Celestia's actions. He stared at the news reporter as he spoke in a stereotypical Canterlot accent. Unfortunately, the accent couldn't eliminate the boring drawl of his voice. “We believe... uh... that Princess Celestia should not be giving out her castle to merely anypony. There are thousands of years of tradition inside of that castle. Uh... Celebrities have worked their flank to the bone in order to get into the castle, while others, such as Rarity, were able to go in simply because she had connections. We believe that... uh... You have to work in order to be given such an honor.”
The video ended and the camera transitioned to Stephen, who had fallen asleep at his desk. The crowd laughed as the pundit's eyes opened and he straightened in his chair and shook out the fake tiredness. “Oh, what? It's over? You know what? Q.A is completely right,” Stephen said as he pointed his pen at the camera. “For too long, Celestia has been abusing her power by allowing someone to stay in the sixty-five room castle with twin spires, 24 hour security, a royal pool, garden, and around the clock chefs. How dare you, Princess Hand Out!”
During Stephen's entire monologue, the camera view shifted to an article on Fillyfact.com where the words, “sixty-five room castle with twin spires, 24 hour security, a royal pool, garden, and around the clock chefs” were underlined and magnified. Stephen placed his pen back on the desk as he shifted left in his chair. The third camera, Camera C, followed him and the view switched. “Princess Celestia has surely crossed the line this time, and it brings us to the subject of tonight's Word.”
The crowd cheered as the transition for The Word appeared on the right side of the screen while Coltbert remained on the left side. He adjusted his glasses and shifted his papers as “The Word” appeared on the blue background at the same time that Coltbert said it, “Elite Sharing. Folks, I'm not really a fan of sharing. When my foals ask if they would like some more hay bacon with their meal, I tell them to buck off and get a job. Q.A is angry because when you have a large amount of leisure items at your disposal, the person who uses them obviously has to prove themselves in order to do so. Case in point, which is Canterlot for 'I'm right', Q.A's son. His son was enrolled in the Canterlot Royal Guard after a month even though,”
The camera view changed and magnified another article, this time from Cantercolt.com. Stephen continued as if he was reading off of the paper, “he was incapable of passing the Royal Guard physical tests, failed the written test twice, and punched Captain Shining Armor in the face when the two of them argued over the physical requirements.”
The view switched back to Stephen as he smiled slightly. “You know, the mature way to end an argument.”
The Word responded with, “Best way to end an argument with Grandma.”
Stephen continued, “Now, Reasonable Response, Q.A's son, has been on the Canterlot Guard for over a year now, and it should be so. After all, he proved himself by showing how elite he was, by doing absolutely nothing.”
The Word responded with, “AKA, the Filthy Rich way.”
“A month before Reasonable Response applied to the Canterlot Guard, the treasurer for the Guard received an anonymous donation of fifty thousand bits. So it makes perfect sense that Q.A would be angry that a seamstress from Ponyville who acquired her popularity from hard work was allowed into the castle. She didn't get in because of the hard work that Q.A was used to, she got in because of her own version of hard work, which is obviously wrong. Hundreds of hours being wasted just to make one dress is a waste of time. I mean, I can buy a simple dress from anywhere. I don't need all the bells and whistles.”
“Coltbert's proposal: At Big McinDonalds, with an onion ring.”
“Now I hope that this is just a one time thing. Princess Celestia has been known to give out many things such as forgiveness, love, and advice. Which I'm assuming from Q.A's actions, should be paid for. When are the lower class going to understand that they are living off of us rich ponies? If they want to use our things, they need to show that they are able to do it."
“By not being poor.”
“If Princess Celestia allows lower and middle class ponies to experience what us rich ponies have,”
“A stress-free life.”
“Then they might find out that there is something wrong. After all, if the only thing you need in Canterlot is money, who needs ethics? And that's The Word. We will be right back.”
~
“Welcome back everypony, thank you so much!” Coltbert said among the massive cheering that followed the continuation of his program. “Folks, Applejack may be the Element of Honesty, but I'm the Element of Judgment. This is Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Hoof.”
The crowd cheered as the visual transition followed Coltbert's words. “Nation, you know I am as big a fan as anyone else when it comes to equipping our children. Frankly, if they can't tie each other into balloon animals, then what is the point? Recently, the Ponyville Defense Force, or Peh Duh Fff-”
Coltbert was cut off by a random audience member who burst out laughing from the simple enunciation. He raised an eyebrow and chuckled slightly. “Easy to please crowd. Anyway... the Peh Duh Fff have recently been circulating a petition to propose that the local school children invest in more self defense. An attached bill signed by the leader of the PDF proposed that funding for schools be cut by 10%, so that it could be pumped back into a new program that the PDF will run.” Colbert continued while the camera shifted to a news article that approbated his statement. “The program would consist of teaching unicorn children more aggressive spells, teaching pegasi how to fight with their wings, and teaching earth ponies hoof-fu. The PDF states that because of numerous attacks on Ponyville, everypony should be equipped and ready when another attack happens. The PDF specifically said that this includes children.”
Coltbert smiled and pantomimed with his speech. “Because of this, I give a tip of my hat to the PDF. Taking money out of children's education and using it to teach them aggression is as Republicolt as it comes. After all, who needs the Elements of Harmony, when I got Elements right here.” He said. Colbert stood up from his chair and flexed his forelegs, showing off the small amount of muscle that he accumulated from exercise back on Earth. The crowd cheered as he flexed for a few more seconds before he sat back down. “Next folks, we come back to the megalomaniac princess that we all know and hate. Can I get a 'boo' for the Princess?”
The crowd responded by booing for a few moments until someone in the back motioned for the crowd to stop. Stephen pointed his pen towards the camera as he looked slightly more invigorated now. He lowered the pen as he started to talk. “Thank you. Now, everypony knows that her actions are about as predictable as a Haylor Swift relationship without the annoying single on the radio the next day. Consistent Opinion caught the Princess yet again in another brilliant display of her lack of power. Jim?”
Coltbert pointed at the camera with his pen and the view shifted to another video. It was a video of popular pundit Consistent Opinion as he spoke with a pompous demeanor, as if his story was going to blow the lid off of Equestrian politics. The time stamp on the video showed that it was old, but still relevant. “Princess Celestia has once again refused to offer aid to Ponyville when it was attacked by Discord. The Princess was unable to be found while the leader of chaos was turning Ponyville into his own playground. Houses were upside down, the roads were turned into soap, and the time schedule was rendered completely useless.”
The video then switched to Consistent talking to one of his guests, who had decided to take the lead. “Princess Celestia is the worst leader that we have ever had!” He yelled as he slammed one of his hooves on Opinion's desk. “She hasn't done anything in 1000 years! What happened to the good old days?”
The video then cut out and Coltbert outstretched his forelegs in agreement. “Of course, the good old days, when none of us were alive. I remember looking back on those days when I was still a wiggling thought in my grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's ball sack. So I'm going to give a wag of my hoof to Princess Celestia. Forget the fact that she has strengthened relationships with the countries overseas, exponentially added jobs to the Canterlot private sector, and armed six ponies with the capability to eliminate any danger that goes before them. Remember this tip Princess, in the eyes of us Republicolts, if you do anything, you did it wrong, and if you do nothing, you did it wrong. We will be right back.”
~
Cheering continued as another commercial ended for The Report. Coltbert outstretched his hooves as he surveyed his audience. “Thank you everypony! My guest tonight is a renowned cloud researcher with a Ph.D in meteorology. I'll make sure to ask about her pet rock collection. Please welcome, Clean Spring!”
Coltbert trotted off of his desk and over to the interview desk while his theme music played. The crowd cheered for him and Coltbert moved onto his hind legs to give a bow before he moved back to all fours. He was about to sit down, but decided against it. He ran through the crowd and high hoofed anyone who kept their hoof up. He finally moved back to the interview table and tried to catch his breath. Clean Spring, a light yellow Pegasus pony with blue eyes, found his antics humorous. She chuckled a few times while Coltbert pleased his crowd.
Coltbert smiled as he sat down. “Gotta give the crowd what they want. You know what I mean?” he asked.
Clean Spring nodded her head and smiled. “I know what you mean, exactly,” she said after a chuckle.
Coltbert pulled a book from his right and placed it on the table so that the camera could zoom in on it. “Alright the book is called 'CatastropheNimbus, The Future of Cloudsdale's Clouds'. Now I'm not really much of a science stallion. I'm more of a fan of my feelings. But I gotta hand it to you, CatastropheNimbus, is a good name for a book. I can feel my ass h*beep* clenching in fear when I read the cover. That's a good way to rouse some feelings. Tell me how you came across the idea for this book.”
“Well as you know, I'm a cloud researcher, and I do have a pet rock collection. Thank you for asking.”
Coltbert chuckled and shuffled the cards on his table as he tried to ad-lib a line. “Hit a little too close to home?”
Clean Spring nodded her head with a smile as she continued. “Well I was up in Manehatten for the vacation, and I realized that there were a few clouds that were darker than the rest of the ones in the sky. This was about two years ago when I finished college and got my Ph.D. Anyway, I went outside, flew up to the clouds, and bounced the rain out of them.”
Coltbert was fascinated, but he made sure to put on an expression as if he was losing grip on what Clean Spring was trying to say. “So, explain how you got the rain out of the clouds,” he said.
Clean Spring nodded. “Alright. Well, Pegasus ponies are more adept at handing the weather than other ponies. There have been special cases where Unicorn ponies were able to do it with magic, but other than that, it's mostly Pegasi. We jump on the clouds and it releases the water, kind of like when you squeeze a sponge. There's still moisture inside of it when you are done, but you squeezed out most of it.”
Coltbert chuckled at the innuendo within her words that apparently Clean Spring missed. “Sounds like a Canterlot porno,” he said.
Clean Spring covered her mouth with her hoof as the crowd and her laughed for a few seconds. After she managed to get her composure back, she continued. “Anyway, I tasted the water that came out of the clouds and I realized that it tasted different. I wasn't able to figure out what, but I knew that it wasn't the same pure taste of rain water that I came to know and love.”
Coltbert smiled as he made his response, “You know a good way to change the flavor of water? Crystal Kingdom Light. I believe they just came out with the 'Totally Not Polluted Water' flavor. You should try it.”
Clean Spring let out a small laugh as she leaned back in her chair. The crowd gave the two a small laugh break before Clean Spring continued. “So I decided to look into why some clouds were dirtier than others. I visited Cloudsdale's Rainbow Factory, the Cloud Factory, and the many reservoirs that store water for the cloud machines in order to figure this out. My book explains some possibilities in detail, one of which involves a very rich Earth Pony that happened to buy up most of the Cloud Factory.”
Colbert raised an eyebrow and decided it would be time to play with his guest. “Sounds like you are jealous of that pony's money and success,” he said.
Clean Spring scoffed but still kept a smile on her face, “I'd rather have a Ph.D and be poor, than be a high school drop out and be rich,” she replied.
The crowd let out an “oooh” while Coltbert widened his eyes and placed a hoof over his heart. He then pretended to be insulted. “Well then, I guess this Ph.D is too fancy and smancy for the Coltbert Bump. What with your statistics, and facts. I mean, for Pete's sake, the only pictures in this book are graphs. Unless this graph has Fleur de Lis in it, I'm not interested.”
The crowd cheered while Coltbert pulled out the cuff of his collar, as if he was letting some steam out of his coat. “Alright, now I'm going to smoke you, are you ready?” he asked while he leaned in.
Clean Spring also leaned in with a semi-serious face. “I'm ready,” she said.
“If clouds are getting dirtier, why don't we just buy a water purifier? That way, we don't have to worry about the water that we drink. Check... and mate,” Coltbert said as he pantomimed a Knight moving onto a particular spot. The crowd cheered as Colbert grinned.
Clean Spring was willing to play Coltbert's game. “Because we don't need to change our lifestyle if we can create preventative measures for the environment. Don't you care about the environment? Our future? The children?” She said.
Coltbert leaned back in his chair and placed his hoof below his chin, as if he was contemplating the answer. After a moment, he shook his head and smiled. “Nah, f*beep* 'em.”
Clean Spring burst out laughing along with the crowd as Stephen shook her hoof. Stephen flipped the book back up. “The book is called, 'CatastropheNimbus'. Go buy it! We will be right back!” he said. The crowd cheered on the two of them as Coltbert's theme music played them out.
~
Stephen waved at the camera as the final commercial break for The Report ended. The crowd kept cheering as he stood from his desk. “That's it for The Report everyone! Good night!” he said as his theme music played him off. He walked off the set as the camera focused on his show's logo.
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Nicely done! Captured an episode very well. Had me laughing for a lot of the time. I look forward to Celestia's reaction.
Great job! seemed to be hitting Celestia harder then he should have, though.
Not a fan of the show but I felt the story captured it nicely. Hope Celly doesn't take it hard, or Luna.
The humor was really in tune with what one would see on the Coltbert Report, that deserves some praise. I would however like to see some more behind the scenes stuff. It seems we went from zero knowledge on Equestria whatsoever, to knowing ever pop-culture detail inside and out.
Tons of fun, especially The Word; I always love that snarky display board.
I hope Prince Blueblood gets mentioned on the show at some point. He seems like he would be a goldmine of material for a show like this.
Celestia knows what she was getting into, but Luna... not sure. I expect her to be raging her life XD
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111022173944/mlp/images/6/61/Luna_Angry_3_S2E4.png
And this is exactly why I favorited this. Keep it up, I loved it.
I sense incoming butthurt from Celestia.
XD This was EPIC! The only thing I question is how the ponies already know about The Word, Tip of the Hat, etc. Other than that, it was just like watching an episode, except I had to keep my eyes open for this.
Great way to start my morning! This sounded just like the actual report!
I hope the next chapter is about what Celestia thought of the episode, and the general census, as well as other little behind the scenes tid-bits, before we move onto the "next episode".
Oh gosh, I love it so much. The only thing I'd add is Celestia's reactions or the reactions of some of the ponies he talks about at the end.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Okay... I laughed. A lot. Props.
Not sure my two bits on this apply, but I felt the whole chapter needed maybe one final paragraph to lead into the next one. While the chapter is solid, it feels like a piece is missing both at the beginning and at the end, there's no hook to draw me back here for the next one (though I will be back to continue this, bucking hilarious).
Other than that minor detail, writing was extremely solid, you nailed Colbert as far as I'm concerned, and you really nailed an episode's writing as well.
All in all, keep up the good work, just make sure not to leave floating chapters around, make the flow continue from Chapter 1 all the way through the end.
1975791
I completely agree. I hope the next few chapters quell some of the questions.
1975816
Good to see someone actually reply to a criticism I give for once :p
I haven't really seen that much of the real thing so I think I might enjoy this more if I did... but as it stands I am enjoying it.
Amazing chapter. You capture Colbert's (in show) Character perfectly. This chapter seemed just like an episode of the show.
WARNING MY OWN OPINION BELOW. FEEL FREE TO NOT GIVE TWO SHITS.
While i have to give u props on how well u captured the essence of the show, it needs to be a bit different. People are gonna get bored if it's essentially the same thing as the regular Colbert report. You need to show how his show becomes popular over Equestria. It seems like it was extememly popular right off the back. U also make Equestria's Culture seem a bit to much like America's. U should try to show more of the cultural diffrences and maybe behind the scenes how Colbert adjust and reacts to the changes.
MY STUPID OPINION ENDS HERE.
Keep up the good work. Either way i cant wait for more.
Yes! I know I said this on the prologue, but genius! Pure genius!
Now we just need a Ham Rove (Hay Rove?) joke and a mention of how much he hates bears
And of course his other segments, like Cheating Death, the Sport Report, and my personal favorite, That's the Craziest F!@#ing Thing I've Ever Heard!
1975858
If that's the case, I'm sure you are going to like the direction that I am going to go with this fic. Keep in mind, I'm only two chapters in.
As a regular watcher of the Colbert Report, this was written pretty much how one would typically go.
I'm loving this fic, can't wait to see more!
This is exactly how I would imagine a MLP version of the colbert report would play out.
Yeah! I knew I was right for favoriting this!
This feels like this is exactly what would happen if the Colbert Report was in Equestria. 
Well done sir, well done.
I don't feel the need to restate the obvious (that this was a beautifully funny and well-written depiction of a ponified Colbert episode), so I'm going to say things that detracted somewhat from the chapter. Keep in mind that it was still very enjoyable.
1. I'd like to have seen a bit more backstory and buildup before the episode itself, like his family's reaction to the whole thing, hiring some of the ponies on his new staff, reading up on the culture, and such. I understand how you want to get to the main point of the story though.
2. If this is the first episode of The Coltbert Report, it got very popular in a very short amount of time. Almost unrealistically so. I say "almost" because it's a good, biting comedy, and who doesn't like that?
3. Having a little post-episode scene at the end would have wound down the chapter nicely, and allowed for a setup for the next chapter.
Chapter rating: 4/5 "twilightsmiles"
/
Loooooooooooooooool
Hahahahahahahjahahahahahahahahah
Heavy: Dah is good
HahahahahahahhhHhahahahahhahahahahahahaha
Ya' nailed it
You've got the show's structure down to the core! Fantastic!!!
That being said, I think you should've warned us about the time pass. Will the next chapter be an episode or plot?
Also, will the Mane 6 appear?
Political opinions? In a story about political opinions? I DON'T AGREEEEALSDKFA;LSKJL;AJSEAMSDJDLFKADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!
Just kidding, is good.
When I saw an update for this story I was like
F*bleep*ING FANTASTIC! 
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/293/590/6f6.gif
After reading this I was ike
Of course, if he's having a political impact, people are going to wonder where he came from. Shenanigans ensue.
I was laughing the whole way through. Fascinatingly awesome.
YES
Do you secretly write for The Colbert Report, or are you just a genius?
1976969
I fucking wish. I fucking... wish...
Dude this is great you should so totally get a job as a comedian or at least write for colbert.
1977262
See above comment.
At one point I forgot this wasn't an actual episode, despite the fact I was reading it. Excellent job!
I really hope that the show's crew finds this and shows it to Colbert.
You, sir, have made my day. I deem you a hero of the people and, as such, you are allowed any one request from me*
*Some restrictions may apply. Contact store for details.
1977726
Is it one of those "Buy one get one free" bullshit things? Because I'm a Subway employee, I don't have money for the first thing.
Damn, man. I was skeptical, but I am not dissapointed! You've done a great job so far, can't wait to see where this goes!
Oh my f*beep*! That was halarious! Very much like the show! Please sir, may I have some moar?
1943318>>1977544
If this gets shown on The Report, I honestly would not feel worthy. Sure, it can work as a "Who's Honoring Me Now?" segment, but unless he makes fun of me, it would be a waste of air time on his part. America has more things to deal with than a sub par fan fiction writer that got lucky and managed to write ponified episodes.
That was great. I'd love to see a Cheating Death segment with magical medicine.
Written as though it could have been a legitimate episode of the show, I have to say you indeed know how to write colbert. Now if only we could have some exposition as to explain the current technological and political status of the world. Is the Internet new in Equestrian culture? What other countries over seas is he referencing? Has free-enterprise fallen into the same corporate game that plays out in our world? I assume you will explain some of these, given time, and i'm curious to see just how close the world of ponies is. I also assume this was just the recording of the first episode, and as such has yet to be aired. I wonder just how far Celestia will let him go, because he does bring up a legitimate concern that did in fact happen. Does free speech even exist in this world, I mean we are basically assuming that ponies have somehow all decided on rights that we as humans have only recently (relatively) developed. I think at this point that I am over-analyzing a fiction written about a show, which although good, is aimed at selling toys to children...
Anyway I'll just say that this well written and you obviously have some talent in comedic writing. So with that, I hope to see more in the future.
Awsum, i laughed
1978778
Woe their bro! First, have faith in your self, this isn't sub-par. Sub-par is when the writer completely changes a character's dynamics for the sake of their plot. You have taken 2 characters, added the element of television to the universe, and then went from there. The formula works just fine for me.
Second, I agree, this will never be featured on the show simply because they have more to do. However, I still want them to see it. The idea of Stephen's reaction to finding out just makes me smile.
I think you captured the feel of the show with this chapter, with how he's nice to the guests... I'd like to see between-episode chapters, showing how various people react to the show; the idea being that he's bringing a fresh brand of political mockery to Equestria.
Also, YOU SUPPORT MY OC UNICORN WEATHER PONY!
This was simply brilliant! You managed to capture the exact theme of the actual show. Honestly, I'm sure you could get work writing comedy for somebody. I was busting my sides laughing at all the satirical humor you threw around. Keep up the good work, my friend.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-VlVv5i26XEo/Tw-M2meUbCI/AAAAAAAADZg/UBqLDmeP5Ac/s1600/Colbert_saluting.png
I think this is the first time I've ever seen someone try and adapt a pundit-entertainment program into a fanfic. Very interesting execution! It really did have the same sort of vibe as our favorite segments from the show!
1979437
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