Color My World

RainbowPie362 stories ·862 members

Will you survive in a world where every emotion was banish, a world ruled by hate and loneliness? Join Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie as they show you that we only need a friend to make the difference.

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TypewriterError

TypewriterError #1 · Dec 28th, 2012 · · ·

Was this inspired by Silver Stitch's games?

EDIT: Ok, I've read through it. I can see your concept but I feel it is a little rushed. Maybe just a take little more time between events. I got the impression that Pinkie and Dash were only separated for maybe a couple of hours (although it is highly possible I missed something that stated otherwise).

Also, are you intending for the reader to keep a distance from the characters? (I ask because whenever I do that someone tries to berate me for not making them overly emotional but that was not my goal [sorry, mini-rant]) If you're not and you want the reader emotionally involved, just let the reader spend more time with Pinkie and Dash as they talk in the wood. Let the reader listen to their conversations and see physical interaction between them. I see that you can do it but I think you just need a little more. Another suggestion is that when Pinkie is sneaking around, focus on how she is affected by everything physically and mentally. Does her heart beat faster? Can she hear it? Does the sound make it hard for her to hear? WHat does panic physically do to her?

Along with that, Pinkie...doesn't seem quite like Pinkie. While Chrysalis has sucked some of her happiness, there still is a randomness that would be there constantly.

All that being said. *thumbs up* The concept has potential and I think with some revision it could be good. I understand rewrites are annoying after a chapter has been published but I think this story can improve if you take a little more time with it.

Rainbow87dash

Rainbow87dash #2 · Dec 28th, 2012 · · ·

[youtube=qMYuPeLw3d4]

Mr Pones

Mr Pones #3 · Dec 28th, 2012 · · ·

Will you survive in a world where every emotion was banish, a world ruled by hate and loneliness? Join Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie as they show you that we only need a friend to make the difference.

wat

I'm guessing you intended to go for "every emotion was banished" but couldn't fit the rest of the line into the car. But in that case, hate and loneliness are both a type of emotion, are they not?

ReaverSC

ReaverSC #4 · Dec 29th, 2012 · · ·

Hey man! :D I'm just going to give ya some constructive criticism here. TypewriterError already did a really good job, so I'll just try to cover some points he didn't. First of all, there are quite a few grammatical errors. This doesn't really make the story more pleasant to read, if ya catch my drift. If you can get an editor somehow, I'd advice ya to do so. Second, ya kinda randomly switch between past and present tense, which is a bit jarring. Third, some of yer sentences are kinda weird. "she swore to come back and so she did." That's a bit weird. How did she come back? What did she do? How did this happen? Yer handwaving quite a bit here, so ya might wanna avoid doing that in the future and come up with some explanations.

Hope this helps ya a bit!

TrebleClef91

TrebleClef91 #5 · Jan 7th, 2013 · · ·

1872355>>1867023 Wow, it's kinda be some time since I wrote this and I never looked at this. Thanks for the feedback and for the tips, I'll try to improve those points on upcoming stuff. The changes between past and present tenses I noticed them when I read the story but I was super lazy to correct them. And for the story in general I never sought for it to have a specific logic, it was a dream I had, I woke up and wrote it as it came to my mind.

1867023 And no, I have heard of the Silver Stitch's games before but I didn't took any reference for it, well, maybe the title but that's it.

1867087 Nice song man. I was listening to this while I was writing this stuff.

1867317 Oopsie, every "positive" emotion was banished. I ate a word. Sorry, I was hungry.