Alucard in Equestria

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Comments ( 16 )

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bronysteve

bronysteve #1 · Dec 23rd, 2012 · · · A bite to drink ·

my first story inspired by Hellsing and Luna's Canterlot royal voice

Gherkin

Gherkin #2 · Dec 23rd, 2012 · · · A bite to drink ·

Well... it needs some work.

First off, remember to start a completely new paragraph for each speaker. Since you don't, the whole thing becomes a huge wall of text, which isn't easy on the eyes. From what I read, the rest of your spelling and grammar isn't too bad.

Secondly, Princess Luna in the first chapter seems a bit out of character. I mean, do you really think she, one of the most powerful beings in Equestria, would be screaming for help and running away from Discord? No, she wouldn't.

Lastly, don't put stuff like "Flashback to three weeks earlier" and "END CHAPTER" in there. The disclaimers are unnecessary as well. The description might need one, should you feel the need, but not the start of every chapter. For flashbacks, I tend to do something like this:

***
Three weeks earlier...

I find it's a lot better. Also, you don't need to tell us it's the end of the chapter, since it's fairly obvious anyway.

Well, that's about all the advice from me. Good luck with this story anyway.

~Gherkin8088, the self-proclaimed Crossover Guy

honorwolf

honorwolf #3 · Dec 23rd, 2012 · · · Alucard awakens ·

very close to the manga already

Junior Asparagus

Junior Asparagus #4 · Dec 23rd, 2012 · · · A bite to drink ·

Protip: don't misspell the name of your character in the description.

Hat and clogs guy

Hat and clogs guy #5 · Dec 24th, 2012 · · · Alucard awakens ·

I fee like it escalated a bit too quickly, but then again I only watched like five episodes of the anime so idunno...

The Well Dressed Ninja

The Well Dressed Ninja #6 · Dec 27th, 2012 · · · Alucard awakens ·

Meh, bit of a crack fic, but I'm interested.

Major-Alucard-Wesker

Major-Alucard-Wesker #7 · Jul 23rd, 2013 · · · Alucard awakens ·

Congratulations you are already closer to the manga than the anime was. You have my attention however you also have my agitation for Discord the god of chaos was killed WAY too easily not to mention you could have gotten VERY grimdark with him in play. Chrysalis really has nothing on him.

linkman443