• Member Since 4th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 30th, 2014

ColdChimera


T

After the Crusaders fail another Cutie Mark acquisition attempt they try a new tactic, research. While researching they stumble upon a secret that has been hidden for almost a thousand years, they weren't the first.

Now Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo must meet with their predecessors to learn the ways of their order. In the darkness an ancient enemy stirs preparing itself for a final strike against the Crusaders and all of Equestria.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Criticism is always welcomed.

Special thanks to Conker for Proof reading and the cover art, this story would be riddled with mistakes if it weren't for you.
Original cover art by Tail Wind.

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 25 )

This is pretty good so far. It has been interesting and well descriptive. The only thing I wanted to point up is a few mishaps here and there. Like in the third paragraph you wrote "through" instead of "threw". And the mistake of "and if they have how they solved it" been written twice.

Other than that, all I can say is splendid. :pinkiesmile:

1851742 Thanks for that. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I have fixed the threw issue (I just don't know what went wrong :derpyderp2:)
The second "and if they have how they solved it" is Sweetie Belle recapping for Scootaloo to be clear (Scoots wants to spend as little time in the library as possible) I think that is what you were referring to if not please tell me.

Also sorry that it's taken so long for me to reply I uploaded just before X-mas so I didn't check on this until a couple of days ago.

1921334 Oh... okay, I understand it better having reread that line with a pause between "have" and "how".

But yeah, like I was sayin'. The story is going well, but a little work on your commas and maybe rereading your work so you can catch those spelling error's will go a long way. I'm not an expert on grammar or punctuation. Hell, you could even say I don't know nothin' about nothin' and be right. I wouldn't wanna come across as some know-it-all.

I'm normally one to not comment anything at all, let alone comment anything longer than one or two sentence's. But I saw a lack of comments on a pretty nice story, and thought maybe the least I could do was point out a thing or two that you could watch out for so you improve yourself in your future writing endeavors. :pinkiehappy:

All my :heart:
Also, I like the cover image hehe.

-Conker

1921530 Well that was very nice of you, and I will take care to reread my next chapter which be uploaded soon.

Strange... This update didn't appear on my list, like it should have.

I'm really liking your story here. Poor Scootie.
Take all my love, Hun. :heart:

2104742
Yeah apparently they are messing with the site so some things don't work properly at the minute.

I liked that part while I was writing it (How cruel of me, enjoying another's suffering). Scoots will get the love she deserves soon enough.

Also free "cookies" if you spotted the reference in chapter 3 to a childhood hero of mine (hint he's in the hotel)

2105047 Well I guess no cookies for me. Nothing comes to mind. :raritydespair:
I thought this site issues were something of a recent problem. You updated like a week ago. :rainbowlaugh:
But oh well. Good thing I was looking through my favorites and caught it.

Thank you for your continual updates.
(insert heart icon here)

Comment posted by ColdChimera deleted Feb 12th, 2013

2107819
The painting in the hotel room is referencing Robin Hood. It seemed appropriate considering the story is based in a place that is a play on Nottingham.
Have a mustache anyway :moustache:
I'm trying to update roughly every two weeks, I'm glad you are enjoying the story.

I suppose something I could point out is your lack of punctuation and capitalization when characters are talking at times. As well as grammar mistakes. Like when Sweetie Belle talks to Apple Bloom about how it makes sense for Apple Bloom to like watching the sunrise, and AB says “Some, you sound like the textbooks. Now come on lets go to the roof”.

All I got really. I'm not an expert in this field. I apologize. Wish I could be of more use.

So the original Crusaders have only been around for 50 years? Or Tail Wind and Meteor Storm are the last remnant's of this order and have been in hiding for 50 years? Quite the old geezer's, huh? :trollestia:

2143688
I Can't believe I missed that, I literally reread this chapter to check for those things a minute before I posted it.

All comments not matter how minor are useful.

I should have been clearer here (I think I will explain in later chapters), the Crusaders in general have been hidden for the past 50 years. These guys are about middle aged. Interesting fact Storm is 1 year older than Tail Wind.

2143879 The original Crusaders have been around much longer but went incognito 50 years ago, is that right? Interesting indeed. :rainbowkiss:

2144156 That's correct. I'm glad your enjoying this so far.

Strange it didn't tell me you commented, lucky I checked!

2147625 :rainbowlaugh: Déjà vu as it would seem, has reared its ugly head.

You sure have made me out to be quite the chatty Cathy. :twilightsheepish:

2147652 It would seem that it has. :rainbowlaugh:

I'm glad. Just writing, uploading and reading would get boring quickly.

The only recurring oopsies are lack of commas, capitalization for names, and punctuation during conversation between characters.

Story's going places. Gonna teach these fillies some Mortal Kombat, huh? S'gonna be good. :rainbowkiss:

2214690
:facehoof: I need a better prereader (the only reason I have one at all is he refuses to come on this site).

2216854 I've never done it before, but I could assist you if possible in your pre-reading conundrum. If you want to that is.

I havent read this story but after reading the discription i have to say this its a secret within a secret within a taco inception

It's really good but really looong

2362605

Thanks, I like long fics and it can be hard to tell a good adventure in shorter fics. I don't count it as really long until it breaks 50 000 words.

There is one thing that bothers me.

“Me to, Tail and Storm..."

When I think you mean "too". That happens couple of time so I thought that maybe it isn't just mere typo. That's really only thing I can comment though, because I'm not critic or anything. Looking forward to reading next chapter. And great job with their length. Takes just right amount of time to read them.

2461041

Changed, thanks for that. I'm glad your enjoying the story.

I love the story ! Keep on going !Out

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