• Member Since 10th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 12th, 2014

Munngojerrie


T
Source

Rainbow Dash hasn't hung out with Pinkie Pie for days and the pink pony is getting worried, not to mention desperate. When she hears that the Cutie Mark Crusaders used a potion to get Big Mac and Cheerilee closer together, she decides to use it on Rainbow Dash.

Nothing can go wrong… right? 

My first finished story.

Thanks to LastBrunnenG, GeodesicDragon , and Chengar Qordath for proof reading and editing!

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 81 )

I loved the story idea!
Well written as well.
Love it. :twilightsmile:

Very well written story that was a real pleasure to read. Well done! :twilightsmile:

I loved it.

Well written, good plot and the characters were spot on. :twilightsmile:

Very well done.Pinkie learned not to mess with love potions.

Personally, I don't think Pinkie should mess with any potions. :twilightsheepish:

Nice! Despite a few grammar issues here and there, it feels very episodic (though I doubt anything like this would ever happen in an episode:rainbowlaugh:). The most interesting thing though? Almost all Dash/Pinkie fics are about Pinkie chasing after Dash, so to see it reversed is actually pretty fascinating.

I haven't read it yet, but you should fix the misspelling in the short description. You said "hanged" instead of "hung".

Comment posted by TimbukTurnip deleted Dec 29th, 2012
Tim

This is good!

we can o pranking, make cupcakes....
huh.
I like this story:twilightsmile:

1871753 Huh. And I'm the creator of the RainbowPie group here on Fimfic, so I've read just about every PinkieDash fic out there...It does seem like a big recurring theme is Pinkie being crazy over Dash (maybe because people want to avoid making Dash look like she's gay), but maybe you've just been running into the ones where it's the other way 'round, because there are at least several of those. :rainbowhuh: Or are they non-shipping fics?

That's another thing I wanted to say about this fic, as much as I love the PinkieDash stuff, it's actually nice to see a fic where it doesn't just suddenly end in them being in love...makes it seem more like an episode I guess. Plus, their friendship is the most important thing IMO, so it's nice when that is reinforced. Although I doubt an in-character Pinkie would be so desperate as to lie that much to her friends (and she is usually more considerate), the fact that she values her friendships enough to go to slightly extreme measures is pretty in-character I think. Also, Pinkie and Dash pranking as their main activity together has been SOOOOO overused by now...I think they would probably do more than that, especially seeing as they haven't done that together since episode 5. :derpytongue2:

This is extremely awesome, but I wanted to point out one thing.

which included having a harp thrown their way.
having a harp thrown
harp

One word. Lyre. Harps are the really tall ones that you can't carry around. Lyres are portable.[/musicgeekrage]

mobile.dlisted.com/files/images/themoreyouknow.preview.jpg

I was wondering when someone was going to point that out. I'm a saxophone performance major so I'm a music nerd as well. Honestly I just felt kinda weird about putting Lyre twice in the same sentence. :pinkiehappy:

I rememeber when this was on lastest stories:ajsmug:
And now your frist finished is on the weeks best!!!:pinkiehappy::derpytongue2::rainbowkiss:

There were some typos, but that didn't stop me from liking this story. :heart::twilightsmile:

Kudos on the featured box! Especially on your first story! I can't wait to see you there again. :]

Very nice story and it was nicely written ^_^
Twilight came off a little harsh but it all worked out in the end.

oh yeah and the "THIS IS NOT HOW THE MEME WORKS!" was hilarious :)
And if I might add at the end I think you meant salute not solute

A very fun read! I was most amused to see a pony stealing a book from Twilight in the middle of the night, because that happens to be the subject of my first finished story too. ^^ And it's interesting to see Pinkie having to handle someone who is (temporarily) even crazier than she is.

One slight continuity error, I think - at first Pinkie seems to be looking for a Hearts and Hooves day book, but is later surprised to find out that that's what it is? Or am I misunderstanding that scene :)

Wonder what will happen is Pinkie gets the potion? Of course, she will pop out of nowhere and stuff. AWESOME STORY :moustache::moustache:

Dash was a little too forgiving there. >_> Not even a hint of frustration? I mean, Pinkie did just enslave her mind and emotions to her presence for an entire day.

I think a bit of "argh pinkie" stuff woulda worked before eventually forgiving her. Dash kinda blew the whole thing off like "yeah happens every week". >_>

Which meme isn't working here?

I was thinking about the running gag of Pinkie Pie chasing Rainbow Dash in episodes. Not sure if really a meme but from what I've read, it seems to be used a lot. :twilightsmile:

1875347

Well crap like that does happen pretty often in ponyville. Twilight nearly hypnotized the whole town, though she did get chewed out a bit over it.

and dont forget Applejack nearly poisoned everyone with her baked bads so yeah shit like this happens all the time. i know it woudlnt phase me much if i lived there.:pinkiehappy:

Great story <3
Although, I don't think it needs the Romance tag. Doesn't seem to fit I guess.

This is an amazing story and I LOVED every moment of it.:rainbowkiss::pinkiehappy:

1873370 Please don't change it. the idea of Lyra flinging an entire harp at them with her magic is much funnier than a dinky little lyre. It seems like she would at least have one lying around, and if Twilight can lift an ursa minor a harp for a normal unicorn isn't that unreasonable.

aww its the sweetest bestest story ever :pinkiehappy::heart::twilightsmile:

kits #32 · Dec 31st, 2012 · · 3 ·

Well.
Normally I like PinkieDash. Hell, it's my otp. But you really need to work on your "show versus tell". It's painfully telly in parts. Look at the opening:

It was a cold fall day in Ponyville. The landscape was a beautiful patchwork of red, yellow, and orange thanks to the colors of the changing leaves. While the sun was out, it did little to warm the land. In fact, it was a windy day in Ponyville. A chilling breeze was blowing through the landscape.

Repetitive, boring. It's called a weather report opening. The only thing that saves it from being terrible is that Dash is a weather pony and you mention that here. But the first sentence is completely restated by the next two.

This next bit is kinda action-y, but it's incredibly dull as stated.

"Rainbow, wait!" Pinkie called, but before she could say anything else, she felt herself trip. She hadn't been watching where she was going and had struck a rock on the ground. Before she knew it, she found herself flying off the path and spinning down a hill for several seconds before finally falling into the freezing waters of the cold pond below. Her head popped up a few moments later from the water. She was covered in weeds and muck, and a frog was sitting on her muzzle with a distant look on its face.
"Ribbit."

She felt herself trip: Did she really? No. She tripped OR she felt something tug a leg or felt her hoof slide out from under her. The latter two suggestions put it in her POV, the former is just what you have, only with the hedging of feeling it gone.
She hadn't been watching where she was going and had struck a rock on the ground: This is telling. It's pretty much like you're summarizing what happened. You're not giving us a story, you're summarizing one
The next sentence is same. You could describe the horizon spinning and the ground giving way instead of just saying that she fell. Again, very summary-y.

This telling/summarizing is pretty endemic to the story and it pretty much steals any real chance of engaging most readers.

"Oh why do I have to be such a dumbo? Why did this have to happen to me?" She looked at the audience. "THIS IS NOT HOW THE MEME WORKS!"

And that's why I downvoted this. Otherwise I would have just left. This is just terrible in every way.

Sorry, but I really can't give this a pass as much as I love Pink and Blue.

1876076

By pretty often you mean "just that one time" which no one would dare say anything about because their sovereign ruler personally came and handled it for them? Saying anything untoward about it would be an insult to their ruler at that point, since she took the responsibility onto herself by handling it first-hoof.

I still think even the slightest show of frustration was warranted. Even along the lines of "Jeez Pinkie you do some dumb things now and then." before moving on with the forgiveness. Feels like something's missing.

this should be an episode of the show:moustache:

Oh man, that Cupcakes reference, lol.
Great story, loved it. :pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss:

To her relief, neither of them stirred. She heard a grown from Twilight and Spike was mumbling to himself in his sleep but besides that, she was in the clear. Pinkie lowered her hooves and gave a sigh of relief, then picked the book up off of the floor and dropped it in a pouch on the side of her suit. She then turned around and started sneaking back to the door.

groan*?

Thanks for all of the feedback everyone! I'm honestly glad I have some criticism in there. Due to my school schedules over the last couple of years, I haven't had a writing course since fall of 2011 so yeah. It's been a while and my skills are a bit rough at the moment! Thank you for reading! :pinkiesmile:

1878288 terrible in every way? That seems a bit harsh. I mean yeah the opening was pretty much the "bad" example in the first chapter of "Writing for Dummies" and yeah the meme reference was sort of iffy, but it was all IC and there weren't any especially offensive passages. Furthermore the tone of the show was generally maintained and the plot structure and diction were solid. Maybe my standards have been permanently lowered by "Fluttershy Gets Gang Raped By Jews", but I'd give it a solid 6.5/10 and say good effort for a first time.

1880689
The quoted line is terrible in every way, not the whole story. Hence the evaluation being directly under the quote box.

On the whole, it's just a bland attempt to do something like this. Without the utterly unnecessary attempt to be funny with really terrible forth wall humor, it's merely there. If the old star ratings still existed and the 4th wall bit wasn't there, it's be a 2.5/5. The forth wall bit bumps it from "no real feelings one way or another" to active dislike. Especially since it wasn't subtle, funny, sensical, or integral to the story in any way. "Fluttershy gets gang raped by jews" would get a 0.5/5 and no comment, as there is absolutely nothing the author could do in that case to improve, so there's no need to explain why I downvoted.

I'ld give it a thumbs up even if it's not my style, but I don't like how rainbow dash just said it was okay, and blahblahblah. I dislike anything that takes something totally morally wrong, does it, and then just plays it off as no big deal. That said, the rest of it was good, and pinkie did have to listen to heard friend suffering, so I wont vote it down. I'm sure plenty of others with give you a thumbs up instead anyway.

Oh wow.... This looks like great idea for another episode of MLP:FIM :)

:pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2:
Poor Pinkie. Always leaping before she looks. Great story. Felt very in-character.

I gotta say, I've seen a lot of pictures of Rainbow Dash being all cute and stuff, but that's gotta be the cutest.

1880454 What Cupcakes reference? But anyway, I loved this.

Send this to Hasbro because this is episode material.

Haha. Maybe without the kiss. :rainbowlaugh:

1883124 "Is she going to take it? What is she waiting for? It’s not like I'm going to knock her out and torture her, why would I do a stupid thing like that anyways?"

1883224 yeah this would make an awsome episode,exept for the kiss we dont need another derpy argument,only this would be 20 times worse
anyway i saw a few punctuation mistakes and such,oh yeah and at the end you said quick instead of quit

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!