Lyra and Hands

Was the usual morning, Lyra and Bon-Bon were sitting on a bench and talking:

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 9 )

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Protestifications

Protestifications #1 · Dec 21st, 2012 · 12 · ·

just no

-Twilight

-Twilight #2 · Dec 21st, 2012 · 12 · ·

1 Too many grammar errors
2 Too many punctuation errors
3 you need to use "these" when making a character talk
4 Lear?
5 hyphens are not used to speak this is not a play, and even in a play that would be wrong (see 3)
hoped this helped

Comment posted by AceCombat101fan deleted May 13th, 2014

Pirate Jesus

Pirate Jesus #4 · May 12th, 2014 · 1 · ·

4242836
Could be the fact that you like his story, so some of the down votes from your story infected this one.

Pirate Jesus

Pirate Jesus #5 · May 12th, 2014 · · ·

So, I just read this, and the story didn't piss me off, which is a bigger compliment than it seems given how prone to grammar nazi and format communist behavior I can be.

That said, your grammar and punctuation is heavily skewed, which makes the whole story a bit of a slog to read through. However, the big problem I saw is after the first few sentences I cease to make any sense of what the hell is going on. I got so confused that I started watering my fish and feeding my plant. I'd say you should find an editor to help clear some of this up and go through another couple outlines of the plot to make it more coherent.

All in all, though, at least it looks like you tried an honest effort. You just need some assistance with grammar and making the story more streamlined.