• Member Since 20th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen May 23rd, 2013

Gearebitz303


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Courage of the heart lays the foundations for love, which creates a belief in hope. But hope can crumble into dust just as easily as it is gained. For those few with the heart to keep the fires of hope burning, can raise the light even in the darkest of times.

Four years ago the great country of Don Greath fell silent to the world, no pony knew what happened. Only that now its lands were consumed by an unending winter storm. Now a great darkness emerged out of the storms and had made its way into Equestria with the intent of bringing it down to its knees in fire and blood. But they are not to stand alone. For when an emotionally-quick tempered pony who once called Don Greath home shows up and takes up the mantle and helps defend Equestria. The Celestia and the Main six must find out whether or not he is really here to save them. Or save them, so he can destroy them himself.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )
Comment posted by Material Defender deleted Dec 29th, 2012
Comment posted by Party Poison deleted Dec 29th, 2012
Comment posted by Gearebitz303 deleted Dec 29th, 2012

Okay, I get it that I am not the greatest of writers. But don't put a thumbs down and not say what I can/could improve on. I can understand if its because I am taking my time with the story, but seriously! How can I improve to make my story better for you guys/gals to enjoy if you tell me it sucks, without telling me what is so bad about it. I will still continue to write my story, just let me know "IF" there is something bad about it in a comment and hopefully everyone can enjoy it.

I am sorry for the long delay in chapters. My charger for my laptop fried on me but I still have been working on the next chapter. I should have it out sometime next week, so for those who are still reading and waiting I thank-you.

Okay, the biggest problem I see is where your itilicizing spoken words. Don't do that, it makes it hard to know if the person is thinking or speaking, especially at the beginning.

Second is that you gave no information on the main character of the chapter (Celestia). I get that you were going for a dramatic reveal, but it was pretty obvious it was coming when you purposefully gave us no detail on the character. The purpose of a dramatic reveal is to keep the reader guessing, not leave him in the dark. All you had to do was tell us she was an alicorn, and we have at least a basic image in our mind. Writing is all about imagery, we need to be able to picture the character at least a little.

Last big one is that there is no sense of urgency or purpose at the beginning, no visible conflict to be resolved, and no mental struggle from Celestia. At the very least she could have thought, 'there's not much time,' or 'I need to hurry,' just... something other then admiring the scenery.

Other than that, just some grammer and spelling errors, and some poorly worded phrases. The idea behind the story might be a good one, but with nothing in this chapter to encourage us to read further (no discernable conflict) we'll never know.

Comment posted by Gearebitz303 deleted Feb 24th, 2013

2157955
Hey. Thanks for your critique, now I have atleast an idea of what to round out.

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