• Member Since 10th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Tuesday

DJ-LUN3RDA5H


T

A new being appears in Equestria only one problem he wakes up in bed with Princess Luna, with no idea how he got there. How will everypony react to him? What will princess Celestia do to the first human to enter their world? Will he be banished when they find out his dark secret? Only time will tell.

This is my first fic so please be patient with me, also comments are appreciated.

Thank you

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 265 )

Not much to go off of at this point but from what I have read it's quite enjoyable. I didn't spot any blaring errors in grammar. Keep up the good work!:raritywink:

Hmmm. I'd recommend expanding. Don't just tell the story, show us. Show us what happens, the way it happens, background, personal thoughts! This is a good idea so far, but needs a little spit and polish. Go looking for a beta-reader, read some HiE fics to get a good idea of ways the human got to Equestria, good reactions, and other ideas such as a language barrier. Oh, and try to pace yourself. You don't need everything to happen in one paragraph. It's not just: Human lands -> Meets Ponies -> "I'm a human" -> Friendship all in one paragraph. Blow it up, details, length. I promise you'll like the end result. :twilightsmile:

It's a good idea, and I'd like to see it followed through.

Too short it seems... But it is way better than how i have started. Because I started the story like if it was a joke. I never thought i'd be writing another chapter, but i am currently in chapter 18. It gets better and better. The same will happen to you. Although your start is much better. Check my story if u like.

This good but to be honest seems short

1843716 :scootangel: I have no idea what you're talking about.

1844075

Well... I can only guess but there are many hints and discrepancies to that theory.
All I can understand is that you are going for "All werewolves are Lycans but not all Lycans are werewolves" approach

And your first 3 paragraphs were rather poorly written and had lots of errors but it really picked up in the end. I did something I have never done before and rewrote the first few paragraphs to be much more immersive/descriptive and made spelling/grammar corrections elsewhere. I hope you do not mind :)
Story Edit Google Doc
You can use it, copy it, be inspired by it, whatever. Though don't ask me to do more as I find this incredibly tedious to do.... There was a reason I got a D in High school English :D
Don't mind pre reading though.

1844785 Well I liked your rewrite a lot but I purposely didn't describe her room lets just say there might or might not be a revisit to it in a later chapter and I am definitely planing on using some of your ideas to help with the description of the room :twilightsmile: hope you don't mind. Also you where correct with the whole werewolf, Lycan theory glad someone caught on early. But I've made it a lot more obvious in the second chapter without actually stating it. Any ways thank you, you've given me a lot of good ideas and feedback
and I'd like to hear what you think about the second chapter but you don't have to rewrite it, simply telling me some ways to improve for the third chapter would be great.:pinkiehappy:
And hey I got D's in English all the way through high school too

P.s. I might rewrite the first chapter a bit and add in your ideas I really just kept the first chapter limited cause I wanted to see if any one would actually take interest in it

that doesn't mean were rich - we're*/we are*/we were*
I leaped over the railing and laded on the ground - landed*
seemed to have fallowed me - followed*
upon getting to the main hall saw a the man that was at the door - Erm...
to leave but we where being watched If - were watched.* (Don't forget the full stop)
but we where out gunned - were*
Then he walked in the leader of the other family - Then the leader of the other family walked in*
Next was my mother - Comma after mother
a special way he then... - Full stop and Captial letter after "special way"
I awoke face pale as - I awoke, my face as pale
recognized my surroundings - Full stop

"Keep our mouth shut." as the silver blade plunged into my bothers back and out through his chest and I saw the life leave his eyes as his crimson blood dripped of the end of the blade I did just that,

Rewrite to:

"Keep your mouth shut."
[New Paragraph] I did just that as the silver blade plunged into my bothers back and out through his chest and I watched the life leave his eyes as crimson blood dripped of the end of the blade, pooling around him.

You say he is the eldest brother yet the man "claims" he is the first-born son and your character seemingly intends to correct him. And later says "my brother died my death."
I don't get it.... You have confused me and I assume you mean for him to be your younger brother perhaps?

Also I would not mind being a beta reader.

1844948 Thank you for the help seems like I missed quite a bit.:twilightsheepish:
About the beta reader thing I would really appreciate it:pinkiehappy: I'll try to figure out a way to send you the chapters before I post them.
Until then looks like I got some editing to do.:twilightsmile:
Edit: also with the whole brother thing the main character is actually an only child but like his father calls his "uncles" brothers John refers to the children of the group as his brothers and sisters when in actuality they are the children of his "uncles" and adopted children not that are not even related to the family by blood sorry i guess i should clarify on that bit
and the thing with the eldest "brother" the leader of the group had a case of mistaken identity otherwise instead of surviving only slightly John would have had an insured death that's where the line "my brother died my death" came into play John's basically stating that he should have been the one dead not his "brother"

well, Celestia actitud is very uncall for, yes I understand, she was really mad, but in the end she was only racist, and bichie, I surprise this human does;t have a hang over,and he already say sorry, and other than appear in the room he hasn't done anything wrong, I think he deserve a little more respect and some mercy.

P.S: Doen't it be fair to Luna be there too? She is the one "supposedly" affected and yet we don't now nothing of her reaction, hell she could have being the one who bring him in the first place

1845347 :pinkiehappy: So much joy after reading that comment. I start writing chapter 3 tomorrow should be up in a couple of days.

Oh yea...
"bothers back and out through his chest and I watched" - Instead of a second "and" end the sentence there. Missed that the first time.

1846589 Thank you again, by the way in my last comment i explained the brother thing you were confused about just to let you know in case you didn't catch it.

keep going i like this story

If I did anything stupid point it out for me. I am not the best at this :)

1916917 better at it then me and I'm supposed to be the one writing it :twilightsheepish: again thank you for the help :pinkiehappy:

They are not all ponies. Maybe just in Equestria, but there are plenty of other races that are not ponies. Three of which are most likley carnivorous, so there is a chance that he will have meat. Of course someone will have to tell him that, or just wait o see a gryphon, or something.

Spacecowboy
Story Approver

Favorited to read at my leisure, the tags and premise have me somewhat curious as to what you're doing.

1917002
Okay then.
Looking forward to the next chapter.

He's a werewolf oh that is so totally tits!

1939766 Thank you but he is a Lycan (easy to mix up with werewolf) and with that come more perks then being just a werewolf but that will be explained later after..... whoops almost gave something away there:raritywink:

Great story. its different than the other fanfics i like. Good job.

Wats your fav character in mlp?

1940288 Thank you hmm that's a tough one to answer but if I had to pick I'd go with Luna but you can pretty much tell my top three favorite ponies just from my name :pinkiesmile: Who is your favorite?

I never really understood the difference between a lycan and a werewolf care to tell plz?

1940367 Actually it depends on who you ask some people say there is not difference but for my story the difference is that any one can become a werewolf but the only way to be a Lycan is to be born one its basically every Lycan is a werewolf but not all werewolves are Lycans other then that there are only a few differences but it will be explained more in depth later on in the story maybe in the 6th or 7th chapter but I don't know yet

1940367

Go watch the movie ´Rise of the Lycans´. Was made in 2009 or so.
Basicly Lycans have inhuman strenght and agility and are also immortals.
And ofcourse they grow twice/thrice the sice of their normal human form.

For ur picter u should hav a picter of an alicorn luna size raindows couler and dj stuff of playing music

1940469 If you can find it I'll gladly use it but so far I haven't really found anything

Wat pony do u think suits neerg nerrad?
I've got no clue.

1940513 I honestly don't know. Which one is our favorite?

Well I'm highly enjoying this story very much so far. Cannot wait for the next chapter, this is turning out very well

1948806 Thank you :twilightsmile: now if i could only focus long enough to write :twilightsheepish:

a Lycan being held by Rarity? That is a reeeeally low level you made him :0
For the rest it was nice to me:)

Don't he mention that he has a curse at full moon? At this point I thought he would ask the guards some help, like whwere is the dungeon, is there a very recluse one, where he can find some chains…that kind of stuff

And if the night can transformed him into a monster, I don't think dating a goddess of the moon without tell her will be a very good idea.

P.S: Did he eventually will be able to go out of the castle and be introduce to Equestria?

1980274 It was magic, plus if he broke free wouldn't that cause some suspicion? And thank you

1980340 Ehh guards with spears and magic he's kinda iffy about telling them he's a monster. Wouldn't you be?:twilightsmile:

:fluttershysad:Damn another thumbs down but no comment as to why

1980994
He will not actually tells them he is a monster, he can said that he only need a a place to meditated, and ask for the dungeons because he likes the darkness and prefer to be in the quiets place possible…if they ask him why a cell, he will just said that when meditated he can move and trash things and don't want to break anything in the palace, so a cell is a perfect place.

And in retrospective, he is kind of telling the true. As for the chains, well is a little tricky, but he can tell that his guilty pleasure involve play and swing them, that must certainly will cover for the noise when he transform. See? a white lie with some true and nobody get hurt

A lyny half pony half lycan and a bit of human

LunaXlycan dun. Dun. Duuuuuun!

Promising indeed, read later list is now at 1 :pinkiesmile:

2045525>>2045491 Thank you I look forward to any feedback

2045633 ok But please clarify you mean by 'set readers expectations'?

I love the fact that Celestia mentioned how Luna who's seen every sort of nightmare imaginable to their world was frightened out by our Lycan friend's memory dream. It makes them seem more approachable like they haven't "Seen it all" yet. (Which is a good thing when dealing with characters that are either immortal or extremely close to it.)

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