It's a bird, It's a lion, It's coming right at me(8)
The morning sun broke down through a clearing in the canopy above. The light shining down like pillars, illuminating the forest floor . As I sat up to rub the sleep from my eyes, I winced when the effects of sitting up too fast only worsened my headache. Giving myself a once over, I found I was completely covered in blood. From my face, to my hands and my chest.
A quick look at my surroundings showed me what my victim was. A short distance away from where I was laying, was what looked like the bloody torn up corpse of a lion. The remnants of what appeared to be pair of leathery wings at some point were protruding from it's back. I stood up to get a closer look at the beasts kill, but a searing pain in the back of my leg caused me to cry out and drop to the ground.
As I inspected my leg, I saw a stinger to what must have been extremely large scorpion tail protruding from it. Deeply Embedded into my left leg. The sight made me smile as I prepared to pull it out. Heh, Here the food can bite back. Clenching my teeth I gave the stinger a quick yank ripping out and causing a great deal of pain. After it was removed my leg started to heal up instantly. Though it would take about an hour or two before I would be completely healed but that didn't worry me much. While I was standing over the lion-thing I noticed that the scorpion stinger did in fact belong to it.
A cold breeze whistled through the trees, reminding me of another pressing issue I was going to have to deal with soon. I was completely naked and my only clothes where god knows how far away, in who knows which direction. I let out a disappointed groan and decided that I should probably climb to the top of one of the trees so I could get a sense of direction. Walking over to a tree that was fairly tall I flexed my fingers and extended them. A hot sensation ran from my palms to my finger tips. Looking down at the claws now protruding from my fingers, I deemed them worthy of the job at hand.
With a satisfied nod I looked up to the tree and jumped as high as I could, I dug my claws into the tree causing the bark to fall of the tree where I grabbed hold. I looked down noting I was about ten feet above the forest floor. In a quick motion I made my way to the top of the tree, laughing at a confused and scared looking squirrel on my way up . Breaching the tree top showed a wonderful view of my surroundings.
There... was Canterlot Castle, my destination, about twenty miles west from my position. The rising sun from behind me made the castle itself look beautiful. The way the reds, yellows, and oranges played off the sky behind its white walls.
Anyone watching the sunrise from the castle was probably looking right at me and didn't even know it. The thought was funny to me, causing me to laugh again at my predicament. It did not last, as my mood quickly turned sour. I was most likely never going to be allowed in those walls again. I laughed and jumped from my perch in the tree I felt the shock of landing vibrate up my bones as I started heading towards a nearby pond that I spotted. I was going to need to clean off all this blood if I were planing on going anywhere.
As I approached, I found the pond was quite large. Easily matching the length of two swimming pools. So it was perfect for me to get a drink of water on one end before walking around to the other to wash off. The water was clear and clean it tasted fresh. The blood and dirt cleaned off easily in the cool water, it didn't leave me smelling like flowers afterwards but it worked. Cleaned off completely I headed for my destination. I had to at least get my clothes, and having my knife and Zippo would be helpful too.
~{T}~{C}~{W}~{t}~{M}~
It wasn't the most pleasant walk back to the castle. I forced myself to hide from the guards that were regularly patrolling the area. There were groups of them going though or flying over the forest and It caused me a great delay as the day had already passed. I sat there couching behind a bush in the palace gardens, staring up at my balcony. Or what used to be my balcony. Checking around to make sure there were no guards present, I took my chance. Running to the wall below the balcony, I started my ascent. Climbing up the wall was the hard part, it had to be done quickly as the white walls would easily give away my shadow cast by nights quarter moon. Which still provided an ample amount of light to see by.
The room itself didn't change much since I was last there, though the enchantment on the ceiling was turned off expressing the room in it's more simple elegance. Walking over to the bed, I noticed a stack of clothes. Both my old ones and the new ones Rarity made me along with a note and the extra items I asked for. My new possessions included four tee-shirts, three long sleeve shirts, a hoodie, a pair of shoes, a pair of boots, four pairs of pants, five pairs of socks, a belt, my knife, and my Zippo.
Including a very special item that I had requested. A back pack that I would be able to wear during my transformations without it getting damaged or broken, due to some enchantments that had been placed onto it while Rarity was making it.
I stuffed everything into the backpack and put on a pair of black jeans and black tee-shirt. Though, after some thought made my way though the room stuffing whatever I thought would be useful into the bag some soap, toothpaste, and some of the unscented candles from around the room. Stuffing the sheets in my bag I headed for the balcony once again noticing that the night was drawing to a close and I would have to get out of there soon. I jumped, this time slowing my decent by trying to use the wall to slide.
It was unsuccessful to say the least. I ended up having my foot catch on something and landing on the ground with a loud painful thud. Face first, from a sixty foot drop, it hurt. Standing back up I rubbed my nose where most of the pain was emanating from, it was bleeding so I pinched it to make the bleeding stop. I started to head towards the forest. My new, temporary home. At least until I find a community that will accept me. Hopefully, that will not take too long. My first destination the Griffin Kingdom
~{T}~{C}~{W}~{t}~{M}~/~{T}~{L}~{a}~{T}~{G}~
It was now two weeks after I ran from Canterlot and Equestria. I couldn't go back there now, the ponies would be afraid of who and what I was. So I was on my journey to find a new place to live somewhere were I could be accepted I figured I had three tries before I abandon all hope and attempt live on my own. I had read up during my stay in Canterlot so I narrowed my list down to three spices that might accept me. They were all omnivorous so it would make things easier for my adjustment into their society. First I was going to try the Griffin kingdom, then if that didn't work out the dessert lands of the Minotaur, and lastly the Hive home of the Changelings. Most would call me crazy for trying the Changelings but I figured the shape shifters would have something in common with a Lycan so I added them to my list.
It was a cool morning the air was crisp and the sun was just making it's peak over the horizon, the light was shining dimly through the trees. However none of this was my focus I had all my senses tuned to the creature in front of me, today was a hunting day and I was planing on having a white rabbit with a black spot on it's back for breakfast. I had been observing my prey for a while now, he was fairly large and would be an excellent catch to start my day. Crouching behind a bush I prepared to go for the kill a burning sensation was felt in my finger tips and teeth as they both extended becoming sharper and more predatory. As a Lycan I could transform parts of my body separately from the others, so I wouldn't have to change completely if I got in a fight or was hunting. When I got into the optimal position I tensed up my legs and leaped into the air aiming to land on top of the rabbit, it didn't have a chance.
Or at least it wouldn't have a chance if when I jumped out of the bush I wasn't tackled to the ground mid air. The forest floor for was full of activity as I struggled with a ball of brown fur and white and brown feathers. Random punches were thrown landing in varied places on each of our bodies. Grapple holds were unable to hold ether of us for long as we would wiggle out of them quickly. The struggle ended with a golden claw on my throat and my hand on theirs, with my claws pointed at their neck.
After we stopped moving I looked up at my attacker and noticed it was a young griffin female with a white feathered head decorated with natural purple spots and a coat of golden brown fur that shined in the sunlight. I looked up into her golden eyes and smiled I knew that I wasn't going to die because she didn't have any of the proper items to do so. The worst she could do was injure me but that would heal completely in a day or two, I was happy I finally found a griffin this meant I was close to my goal. Then I remembered the rabbit I tore my gaze away from the griffin pinning me to the ground and looked in the direction I thought it went.
"Aww... breakfast." I said in a sad voice letting out a sigh. The griffin above me tightened her grip, reminding me she was still on top of me. I smiled at her as I realized we were in a rather inappropriate position "Wow, usually I go on a couple dates with a girl before she ends up straddling me like this." I stated rather casually.
A pink tinge shined through her white feathers, But only before she tightened her grip on my throat and growled out her reply. "Who, What are you and why did you attack me?"
I let out a small chuckle before I looking back up at her. "Actually, you tackled me. While I was trying to get my breakfast. So now you owe me a meal and an apology. You should probably do both quickly too, as I am kinda in the perfect position to kill you. Then you wont have to apologize and my meal problem would be solved." I ended with a toothy grin that showed my sharp teeth.
This time she was the one to laugh."Are you kidding me the way I see it, my hands around your neck. I could rip out your throat right now and make you my meal."
"Careful. keep talking dirty like that and I might get some wrong ideas." I punctuated my statement with a wink. She scoffed and tightened her grip on my neck causing her claws to dig into my neck, drawing some blood.
In an immense show of strength I flipped her onto her back and pinned her to the ground. My hands held her forelegs out to the side and my body was between her hind legs preventing her from kicking me off. My head was next to hers in the perfect position to bite clean into her neck for a kill or to simply whisper in her ear and scare her. I chose the latter.
I spoke softly causing her to start to shiver, "Now like I said. You owe me and apology, and a meal, otherwise..." I let the sentence hang as I kissed her on the neck right above her jugular causing her to start shaking out of fear. She got the message.
"I..I-I'm sorry! please don't. I-I'll do whatever you want."
"Good," I said getting off of her and reaching out a hand to help her up. She flinched at the gesture, most likely believing that I would hurt her. I gave her a reassuring smile, "Come on, I wont bite. Trust me."
She hesitantly took my hand and I pulled her up from the ground until she was back on all fours again. When she was standing she looked over to me and nervously thanked me. I pointed in the direction that the rabbit hopped off to, "Lets go get breakfast you do owe me after all. So today your going to help me with my hunting to make up for tackling me."
She looked at me and nodded starting to walk forward, glancing towards me nervously. She was obviously still scared of me. So I thought maybe some light conversation would make her more comfortable and the hunt go just a bit faster. "So tell me what is your name?"
"I..uh ,my name is Gilda Gryphon but my friend calls me G for short, or well she used too." she said with a sadly.
I stopped and held out my hand, "Well Gilda, my name is John. It's nice to meet you. Even though I wish we could have net under better circumstances."
She stopped and looked at my hand like she was looking for something in my palm, then she took my hand and returned the shake. The look she gave me made me curious like she was trying to look into my eyes and see if I had any ill-intentions at mind. The golden pools that made up her eyes seemed to find nothing about me that would give her cause to fear me at the moment. Her demeanor changed a little and I could tell she was more relaxed even if it was just a bit.
"You know, you remind me of a friend I used to have." she said as we turned around and began walking again.
"Oh. how is that?"
She looked up at me and then back down at the ground, "Well you're kinda a flip-flop. One second you're about to kill me the next you're being nice. It doesn't make sense."
"Well," I sighed, "That's just life you never know what's going to happen next, and hey a some one who's a 'Flip-flop' could be a great friend."
"Yeah I guess."
"So... What do you say?"
She gave me a confused look through her golden eyes, "What do you mean?"
I stopped and crouched a little, she was only about a head shorter then me but I wanted to say this at eye level with her so she knew I was serious. "Do you Gilda Gryphon want to be my friend?"
"I.. Uh Sure I guess."
"Good in that case shut up." I could smell something in the air and It was close. Gilda went to say something but I cut her off, "The hunt is on. See if you can keep up." I gave her a wink and ran following my nose in search of prey.
I heard her mumble something and take off into the air as I ran though the forest. I jumped over rocks in my path, dipped and dived around trees it was fun nothing could beat running through a forest. All to soon however it had to come to an end, I came to a clearing in the forest about 15 white-tail deer were grazing lazily. None of them had picked up on my presence. I looked up into the sky to see Gilda slow her decent from the skies and silently land in a tree to my right. When she spotted me I waved my hand in a gesture that told her to tell her to stay in place. I followed that by pointing to myself then her, letting her know I was heading to her. After making my way into the tree and sitting on the branch she was perched on I pointed to the deer.
"Ok, so here's the plan you fly around and get behind them over there and scare them forcing them in my direction. Then I will pick out one of them and we have breakfast. Whatda say?"
"Ok, I guess, but don't you think that a that's a little too large of a meal for one uh... whatever you are?"
I laughed in response, "Did you not listen or something. I said WE. We have breakfast remember I ruined your hunt too so we are going to be civilized and kill and eat this together. Like a team. Plus I can see the cave I slept in last night from here so I'll be able to get my stuff. We wouldn't want any of the kill to go to waste now would we?" The look she gave me was one of confusion, sighing I just said. "Go I'll show you later."
With two flaps of her wings she took to the skies flying around the clearing to avoid getting spotted before she had to. As she flew away I got a glimpse of her backside and my mind went straight to the gutter. I found my self thinking more about her physical features. I wondered if she was already seeing someone. My mind wandered off to thinking about other things I could do with her and if she would be up for it. My imagination played games with me thinking about Gilda in compromising situations and positions. I figured it would be worth a shot so I'd give it a try.
A lion's roar brought my focus back to reality. I saw Gilda sweeping down from the sky, sending the deer running in my direction as planed. I jumped down from the tree feeling the air rush past me as i fell. Landing on the ground below I made my way to the very edge of the clearing and prepared myself for my attack. I hid behind a large bush and observed my prey running towards me. I picked out one of the larger bucks and once he was close enough I sprung out of the bush. My body slammed up against it, bring us both to the ground. The action scared away the other deer, but I had my catch. There was a short struggle on the ground while I wrapped my arms around him. As the deer tried to break free of my grasp I felt it growing weaker and weaker while I suffocated it with a headlock. It's eyes clouded up as the last bit of life was snuffed out of it's body from my grasp.
A soft thud on the ground beside me and I knew that Gilda had landed. "Wow. That's a little cruel don't you think? Wouldn't there be a quicker way to do it?"
"Well yeah I could have always cut its throat that would be quicker and a little less painful, breaking its neck would have been the fastest way. But both of those could have damaged the hide and I want to skin this thing. Plus, think about it like this most wolves don't even kill there prey before they eat it. They bring it to the ground as a pack then start eating, the prey dies some time between the take down and the end of the meal. Usually it's dead about half way through though, so this guy is lucky I'm not most wolves."
Gilda had a shocked look on her face like she had just learned something new. "So.... your a wolf?"
"Really is that all you got out of that?"
"You didn't answer my question." she stated flatly.
I chewed on my lower lip. I didn't want to start lying, because once you start you can't stop and I had already made that mistake many times before, but I couldn't tell her just yet. "Lets, just save that conversation for later. Okay? Its a long story that I haven't told many about." I turned and started heading in the direction of my cave. "Yell if anything happens I'll be right back." I shouted over my shoulder before sprinting away.
Reaching my cave I walked in about ten feet before I spotted my back pack. I emptied it of anything unnecessary, leaving it mostly empty with nothing but my knife and a rope I had come across in the forest. I was heading back to the clearing when I heard an eagle's cry in the distance. I sprinted toward the source of the noise. My new friend was in trouble.
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How long are you seperating him from Luna :(
So the beast only come out once a mount when the moon is full and he kind of make peace with it? Also apparently he is a master of stealth if he manage to get in and out of the castle without being detected, no to mention that he is very patient. And also incredible strong if he was able to have an freaking manticore, a beast that most probably where the triple his side and was 3 times more armed than a simple wolf.
Also I don't know if that was instinct or just his personality but did he prefer to be a team hunter? And that is why he doesn't care and actually want to share his hunts when he can?
Two questions:
1) Because of his human side, did he has a hunting honor? You know, only hunt because you must, respect your prey and take only what you need
2) Because he is a Lycan, does that mean that he also have a extremely hight libido from time to time like the wolfs? and the fact that he has being along for 2 weeks without any kind of female companion was the reason he was more flirty with Gilda and his day dreams?
2125964 Don't worry not too long just long enough so that some events can unfold
2126060 Well to answer your question yes the beast only comes out once a month but he has a certain reaction for the entire full-moon cycle(which lasts three days) but that will be explained later. He only changes on the second night of the full moon cycle. another thing it was the beast that killed the manticore not him during his transformation he becomes larger stronger faster, so a manticore would put up a fight but the wolf inevitably wins out. Master of stealth? uhh didn't really think about it that much but he is a hunter and hunters have to me stealthy so that where he gets it from. As for the team hunter thing It is a little bit of both instinct plays a role in his personality shaping him to who he is at the core.
To answer your Two questions
1) Yes I gave a brief hint about how his father taught him to hunt earlier in the story but further explanation of his habits will come in another chapter.
2) Kinda but he is also a bit of a perve. But hey what can you do men will be men.
2126257
And very open minded, considered that they overcome the hole other species thing, I wonder if he or the beast have ever done the naughty huge with a regular wolf
dayum, i never thought about Gryphons in a sexual ways before. now i do. and they're kinda hot, and have some "useful" appendages.
I did not espect gilda
2126904 NOBODY EXPECTS THE GRIFFIN INQUISITION!!!
2126735 That has got to be my favorite comment so far.
Not sure if I like this direction
, but I'll wait for next chapter until judgement calls.
What about Luna?
You still have some punctuation, word choice, and capitalization issues.
"tough" needs to be "though"
I think "while I went to her." didn't quite make it to the cutting room floor when you were editing
"lions" should be "lion's"
Those are the ones I could pick out on a quick scan through. Others are still there.
There are also various places that could stand to get a comma.
Lets see whats giving Gilda trouble.
Man, Rarity really hooked him up!
I'll fav and keep an eye out for updates.
Disliked because the premise is a cliche, and it's executed poorly. It starts off with three cliches: human in Equestria, OC with a mysterious dark side, and OC shipped with a major character. I say it's executed poorly since the guy just appears in bed with Luna for no apparent reason.
2201788 Well you obviously didn't pay attention while reading, it's pretty cryptic but the explanation to how he got there is stated in one of the later chapters. Did you even read the entire story? Or is more like you read the first couple chapters then gave up completely and rushed the dislike? I'm sorry you didn't like how the story went with the Luna shipping but that's just a minor part of the story to lay ground for the story as a whole and for the sequel which I had mostly planed out around chapter six. To me it seems like you read it but you just read the words you never thought about what the words were saying. As for the 'cliche' it's my first fic of course I'm starting off with something I'm comfortable writing about. Not to mention the HiE is one of my favorite types of fics, but I did put a bit of my own spin on it by not making him entirely "Human". Dark past uhh yeah needed a back story and there's only few options when it comes to creating a characters past if you want to put it that way it's a happy every thing goes right one, a sad oh I had some hard times one, my choice of a "Dark" past, or one of the other few types that have all probably been thought of at least three times. As for the executed poorly well I kinda have to give you that one but how many fics have you seen start off with the main character waking up next to a goddess? Yeah so far in the fic no ones jumped out to explain how he got there but did you ever think that the story itself is no where near ended. I do want to thank you however I think you are one of the first if not the first person to acttuly give me a reason why you disliked my story even if you were just doing to bash of make fun of me it does help with future chapters and fics that I may write and I still hope to make you a fan of mine yet.
And with that I bid you ado.
2203948
Please do not mistake honest and legitimate criticism for bashing. The difference is that I provide reasons for my dislikes and back them up with supporting examples. I am sometimes harsh, but I never swear or resort to name calling; I try my best at all times to be fair, honest, and respectful.
I do not enjoy being harsh. It just comes out that way when I don't try hard enough to find nice things to say along with the criticism
. Thank you for reminding me that I need to try harder to sound polite and respectful.
You're right that I didn't read the whole thing. I think it's perfectly fair to dislike a story after reading only the beginning and the story summary. They are supposed to be an example of an author's best work because most people will use them to decide whether or not the rest is worth reading. Furthermore, most stories that start badly don't get better.
It is unfortunate that I cannot offer the most helpful criticism after reading only the beginning. Sometimes, I'll take a guess about the rest of the story, like I did with the significance of the Luna shipping, and I'll be wrong. You should be proud that your story is better than my impression of it, but you shouldn't blame people for not taking the time to finish reading a story they don't like.
I did not properly justify my claim that your story is poorly executed. The reason I gave, regarding the way he suddenly appeared in Luna's bed, is not evidence that your story is poorly executed; it is evidence that big, important things happen in your story for no apparent reason. Even if it's explained later on, it's still a bad thing to start with because it gives the impression of randomness. It is also evidence of cliché: I have seen several self-insert stories where the author avatar wakes up in bed with his favourite anime girl. I remember one was from Ranma, but they all start to blur together after a while.
You might want to take a look at the story by CardsLafter, which successfully executes an HiE Luna ship with an OC human with a mysterious past. He starts by dropping the OC in the middle of Ponyville for no reason, but the author is fully aware of the problems and is good enough to make it work. Feel free to study it and try to figure out why.
I just want to finish by saying that I'm happy that you're writing, and I'm happy that you take pride in your work. I might be interested in taking a look at your next story.
I'll get the plunger
I'LL GET THE ROPE
All right Pinkie.... COMMENCE OPERATION REMOVE HEAD FROM GUTTER