Luna's Chapter (7.5)
As they walked down the halls leading to her bedroom, Luna was trying to gather up her confidence and steel herself for what she was about to do.
'I haven't been in a relationship for so long I don't really know what to do. How much about that has changed since I left?' She glanced over to the human she was walking with and a little red light went off. 'Oh great, I forgot he's not even a pony what if he's not interested?'
She started to panic, though Luna was easily able to hide it due to years of experience from dealing with rude nobles. She was about to just give up telling him how she felt when an all too familiar voice called out to her from the back of her mind.
'What are you so worried about we are the princess of the night, goddess of the moon. If you want him then just take him MAKE him ours. Let your self indulge in the darkness that still resides in your heart.'
Luna stopped walking just a short distance from her room. The voice had made Luna lose her train of thought. 'Nightmare Moon... I thought that the elements of harmony had destroyed you and removed all of my dark powers. How is it your thoughts still poison my mind?'
The voice of Nightmare Moon responded with a laugh. 'While the elements may have been able to remove most of my dark power and left you in control most of the time know that I lay just below the surface and you'll never be rid of me. Plus I still have just enough power to take over when you lose concentration or are weak. So I can do things like this.'
Luna was unable to control her body as it leaned forward and kissed the human standing in front of her interrupting him mid-sentence. She quickly regained control over her body again but she simply stood there rooted in the spot, too scared to move. Her gaze fell to the floor and she was about to utter an apology before she was pulled into another kiss by the human.
She couldn't be any happier at the moment, even though she had momentarily lost control to Nightmare Moon it had turned out for the better. Though she knew she would have to tell Celestia about it tomorrow, this night will be hers to enjoy. Luna's eyes glanced over to her bedroom door and back to the human, he caught her glance and with a smile nodded. Luna felt her cheeks grow warm as a blush crept it's way to her face.
'Tonight is going to be interesting.' She thought to herself as she pushed him into the room. 'I wonder if he would like a full moon it isn't scheduled until next week but I could always fix that later.'
~{T}~{C}~{W}~{t}~{M}~
Luna lay in the bed confused and concerned as the human jumped off of her and set out at a sprint throwing open the doors to her balcony. She called out to him but gasped in shock when he turned around his glowing red eyes piercing the nights darkness. The princess felt a chill run up her spine from the raw emotion his eyes seemed to radiate.
The human jumped the railing causing Luna to run over to the balcony she just knew there was no way he could survive that fall he had no wings he couldn't fly. When she looked over the balcony he was running across the court yard headed away from the castle, far too fast for her to catch up with. Even if she tried to follow he would lose her quickly. She had to
let him go.
'Shame he was kinda cute for a... what did you call him? A human?' Nightmare Moon's voice echoed from the depths of Luna's mind.
'This. This is all your fault you did.... something what was it. What did you do?' Luna demanded.
'I did nothing I only helped you get you feelings out to him after I kissed him you where in complete control. I was just there for the show.' Nightmare replied with a laugh.
Luna started to blame herself for what happened. 'Did I do something wrong? He seemed like he was having a good time and then out of no where just freaked out... I will have to talk to Celestia about this, she'll notice he's missing.'
As she was mauling over her thoughts a howl cut through the night air causing all who heard it but Luna to go silent in fear, for Luna it only sparked a memory about something that she thought had long since been forgotten. It was something she hadn't heard since her banishment.
~{T}~{C}~{W}~{t}~{M}~
Flashback
It was the night of Nightmare Moon's release from her thousand years banishment to the moon. Every month like clock work for the last few years someone had kept her company if only for a night. They had sung her a song, one filled with rage and sorrow it greatly touched Nightmare Moon. The fact that someone could have feelings so similar to her own. She had fallen in love with the song and by extension it's singer. Before long she had decided she was going to meet them and thank them for keeping her company.
Nightmare Moon stood at full height and drew in as much power as she could muster her horn aglow with magic. The air around her began to swirl, her astral mane and tail grew in size and began to swirl around her forming a large cloud above her as her magic gathered. She put all the power she built up into one spell to summon the singer to her side she needed to see them to thank them. Her magic reached out in all directions as she sent out her spell to find the singer and bring them to her it might take some time but she would finally meet them. She put all the power she built up into a spell that would summon the singer to her side. She needed to see and thank them for keeping her company. She released her spell, it might take some time but she would finally meet them.
So she waited. And waited. All night she sat there but they never came. Nightmare was heartbroken once again. As she might never be able to meet the one she had come to care for and looked forward to meeting for so long. So she left. If she couldn't meet the singer that night, then she would make sure that night would never end.
~{T}~{C}~{W}~{t}~{M}~
The voice of Nightmare Moon echoed Luna's thoughts. 'That was... But when? When did he get here?
Luna shook her head to clear her thoughts, 'No I have to focus. I have to get him back to the castle we have to find him.'
She spent the rest of her night gathering trustworthy guards that would be capable of finding and bringing the human back to her. When the day started and the sun began to rise she knew there was only one thing left to do she had to tell Celestia. Everything.
Luna stood outside of her sisters door gathering up her thoughts and trying to think of a way to tell Celestia what had happened last night. With a sigh she knocked on the door three times and waited for an answer.
"Come in." A voice said through the door.
Luna opened the door and walked in the room closing it behind her with her magic. Celestia was sitting outside on her balcony, enjoying the sunrise. Luna walked forward slowly her hoof steps almost silent in her approach, as she reached her sister she slowly felt the wall she put up keeping her emotions in from the long night start to crumble and crack. She took a seat next to her sister just a bit closer then she normally would have. Celestia didn't even have to look away from the horizon to figure out something was bothering her younger sibling.
After the first time she ignored her sisters subtle hints to emotional stress she made a personal promise to herself to never let it happen again. Celestia knew that she had to address this problem soon.
"Sister is there something bothering you?" Celestia asked in a calm even tone that poorly hid her worry.
Luna felt her emotional wall start to crack under a nonexistent pressure, "I.... I have some news to inform you of the human." She said said nervous for no reason,
"Oh... how is he doing? Adjusting well I hope." Celestia said with a smile that started to falter when she noticed her sisters normally strong and regal facade break as she took on a look of sadness.
Another crack in Luna's imaginary wall quickly formed. "I..Uh...Well he was doing fine Up until last night that this."
'Because you drove him away just like how you did with everyone else way back when before you became me.' Nightmare Moon's cruel words rang from the back of Luna's mind.
The wall broke. Luna was silently crying as tear after tear rolled down her face. no one could destroy Luna's spirit as quickly and as thoroughly as herself. It was one of the things that allowed the darkness to take root and cause her transformation into Nightmare Moon. Celestia did the only thing she could and wrapped a wing around her sister pulling her close to try and comfort her. For the most part it worked, just being in a close embrace to her sister had allowed Luna to calm down. Enough to explain most of the previous nights events while leaving out certain details such as what they were intending to spend that night doing and Nightmare Moon's voice. Celestia had enough to worry about in Luna's opinion, she wouldn't bother her with that just yet.
"So..." Celestia began after letting it all sink in, "Well you said that the search party is already looking for him now?" Luna simply nodded. "Good, In that case I think it is time then for us to enact a little idea I've had lately." Celestia walked back into her room and levitated a quill and parchment in front of her and began writing.
"Sister what exactly is this 'idea' of your's?" Luna asked as she walked from the balcony to her sisters side.
Celestia smiled as she rolled up the scroll and threw it into her fireplace sending it off to her faithful student. "We are going to get the elements to release and try to reform Discord. We might need his power now to try and help the human to get home."
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THE UPDATE HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
The begining of the flashback was REALLY confusing. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to take place 1000 years ago and shortly before Luna/NMM's banishment, or after the series premiere and sometime prior to the story. It wasn't until the end of the flashback that I could solidly tell it was before she was banished.
Remember, Luna got a fairly cold reception into Ponyville on Nightmare Night, and other ponies could have avoided her between her return and Nightmare Night.
I think Luna would be a bit more worried that NMM is still there in her head and capable of brief moments of controlling her. Inaddition, Luna made a note of telling Celestia about it prior to the hot lycan on alicorn makeout session. I can see Luna leaving out that she was about to get tapped, but not leaving out that there is still a quasi-demonic presence still in her head wispering dark things to her.
There are also some formatting issues here and there.
Ok, so while Luna was Nightmare Moon before her banishment, she heard a song of hate and sorrow that turns out was the Lycans in our world howling to our moon and somehow reaching her?
Then she fell in love with however sing that and concentrate all her power to summon him…and just know the spell reach one of them? That explain why he appear in her room.
And to summon all up, Luna has fell in love with the human and Nightmare with the Lycan…and possible with the human part too (she said, he is kind of cute, and she was the one how actually kiss him)?
Oh men, I hoped he don't bite Discord next, a Lican god of chaos sounds very dangerous
2063477 I know it was kinda confusing but at the beginning of the flash back it does say
First sentence I guess you skipped over it?
The whole thing with NMM I get what you mean but I was going to play off the too scared to tell Celestia angle and make it so she tries to deal with it herself. But that will come about in a later chapter Since I have the next one all ready planned out and maybe a third of the way written.
Also I'm not really any good at formatting.
But I'm trying to get better.
2064207 Not really It was during the banishment basically the moon was acting as like a bridge between the worlds and the reason it took so long is because the magic was looking for the Lycan transformation of him and not the human half but I'll probably explain this in a later chapter.
And yes It was Nightmare Moon that kissed him but remember Luna and Nightmare Moon are linked so they share the same mind and mostly the same thoughts. I can picture it now Nightmare Moon wife if the Lycan King and Luna wife of the human that would be complicated relationship don't you think? Hooray for multiple personality's.
2064513
But the Lycan form doesn't have a personality in his own…the transformation is basically him going berserker, Luna has this deal of Jeckel and Hide, but the human (sorry forget the name) is still the human in his beast form, just incredible aggressive and I presume hungry for raw meet.
But I can imagine Nightmare returning his conscious but turning evil and giving the ability to change as he please. And Luna trying to either remove his curse or as Nightmare giving control over it the ability to transform as he please and have destroy or minimize his bestiality instincts.
You know, when you said Nightmare and Luna as his wife for a moment I imagine both of them wearing a apron and a blue flower on their right ear
2064622 Well the beast does have its own personality but it is heavily influenced with instinct as for the ability to change at will he already can do that but the beast takes control during a full moon kinda like how Nightmare Moon can take control of Luna for short periods of time, but the beast is limited to the full moon and their minds are separate so they can't communicate.
2064435
That line was actually the main reason I had all of the trouble figureing out when it was.
I read it to be the series premiere night but, the part with her being NMM for months had me thinking it may have been pre-banishment. Then again, others could have avoided her for months and still label her as NMM.
It wasn't until she resolved to make the night last forever that I knew it was prebanishment.
2068770 I set the flashback to be post-banishment, it was set for the day or night she got back from the moon and she heard the singing while she was on/in the moon itself. You got to remember when she came back from banishment she tried to make night eternal once again. But I was going at it from the angle that if she met the Lycan she would have been basically in Luna's current position as a co-ruler but I didn't write that into the story so I guess I have to re-write the chapter a bit so the story makes sense. I just got a little bit overzealous because I was writing the story in a different perspective and overlooked some important details.
Sorry
2070226 Yeah chapter one is kinda bad but it gets better as you go through the story. Just give it a chance
2069892
These things happen.
Sounds like you sped through the revision and editing phases of the writing process.Slow down and take your time when you write.
Post re-write, this chapter will be alot better and the overall story will improve beause of it.
2073377 Yeah I'm actually thinking about rewriting the first couple chapters too but I'm not sure yet because right now I'm working on the next chapter to this story as well as three other stories two of which are one shots that I just started writing a while ago but kinda got distracted so now they're just sitting there waiting for me to finish them.
2073575
A rewirte of the first few chapters would be good to retain new readers.
Did you ever find an editor?
2073633 No my old editor came though with the chapter but I am still looking for another having two to run my story though would give it better quality.
2073652
*nods* Its always best to have a second opinion.
There are few editor groups out there on the site. PenStroke (of "PastSins" fame) backs a peer review group called "Authors helping Authors"
Try that group or one of the others.
2073691 Thanks I'll check it out.
2073704
No problem!
Name of Story: To Change With the Moon
Grammar score out of 10: 5 (this is easily the weakest part of the story. For the first two chapters in particular, I noticed grammatical errors on an average of one per sentence. I would definitely recommend either rewriting it or seeking some help at a place like Proofreaders and People Willing to Proofread.
Pros
The lycan in Equestria gives the classic HiE formula a much needed twist.
Always up for some Luna lovin'.
Interesting backstory for the protagonist.
Cons
The romance feels rushed and awkward. Lycan or not, he jumps into the whole 'romantic-relationship-with-equine' a little too quickly, especially since he shares only a few scenes with her.
The characters feel a little flat and underdeveloped.
You have a tendency to tell rather than show.
Notes Section
First off, the lycan in Equestria gives the story an interesting twist, and the protagonist a tinge of darkness he wouldn't normally have. Pairing a dude who's mood is controlled by the moon with someone who controls the moon has all sorts of opportunities for hilarity to ensue, so thumbs up for that.
Now, like I said before, the romance moves bizarrely quickly. We see Luna and John sharing all of two or three scenes together before Luna invites him to her bed and he accepts. Slow down there, partner. Apparently immortal moon goddesses recently released from their crazy evil dominatrix halves are really easy. Who knew? Well, I guess night goddess...
The other complaints are pretty much the same, namely caused by your habit of speeding through the chapters. Don't tell us "they spent time together" or "and then he cooked", actually show us what happens, what the characters do. It'll help with the plot progression and give you a good opportunity to flesh out the characters. As it is, the world feels a little empty and undeveloped.
In conclusion; good premise, but your delivery needs some improvement. Fix up the grammar, and flesh out the scenes, and the story'll be a lot better.
I hope my review was helpful. If you get a chance, please take a look at my story: Paved With Good Intentions.
2092119 Thank you kind sir.
2092646 It was written kinda badly I could have done better writing it the first time but I didn't think anyone would like the story so I kinda didn't do my best plus I had no editor back then so it had some errors
2098459 I must admit you sir have just used one of my favorite quotes.
2107297 Thank you.