• Published 20th Dec 2012
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Cultural Artifacts - Dan_s Comments



A little piece of Earth arrives in Equestria, a human and it's home. The citizens of Ponyville and Princess Luna struggle with this newcomer, as it struggles with them.

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25) Friends In High Places

Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - Friends In High Places

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of has bro, Inc.

Day 42

Nurse Redheart looked at the collection of brochures and the immunization set-up. She'd neglected her duty of applying the final shots of the series with the events of the last few weeks. Now she had to do her job. Her eyes fell on the blanket that had been her introduction to 'the Ponyville Monster', it had been wrapped carefully around a wounded filly, as both padding and to keep her warm. At least I had rational reasons to be afraid, she thought, I just wish my fellow conspirators had such a good reason.

She collected the slew of children's brochures and the other equipment and headed out to call on her patient. Then she paused, and considered that Rarity's should really be her first stop.
------------------------------

Tom was overjoyed to see Celestia picking her way through the battered dreamscape. Whether she was here to accept a dressing down, or here to be charming, he knew she could help soothe his friend's battered psyche. No one believes in the power of friendship like she does, he thought.

Then he stopped, remaining concealed amid the rubble. That's not trepidation and care for having trespassed in another's mind, he realized, That's loathing and disgust at the surroundings. She's not trying not to disturb a wounded friend, she's swimming through a river of filth.

The erratic delicacy that Celestia picked her way forward enhanced Tom's suspicions. Then he focused on her horn and it all came clear.

When Celestia vanished, Tom retreated to seek Discord. That wasn't our Celestia. It seems someone has come looking for her missing horn, and we'd better deal with that.
------------------------------

"Coming!" Rarity's voice was heard from the depths of the shop as Redheart waited, the blanket draped over a foreleg. "Oh, Nurse Redheart, is something wrong?"

"Yes, but not with your family," the nurse pony said, "The effect on the Big Guy needs to be reversed. But those books on psychology open entire new realms that we'd never even considered."

"I am glad they will help, but I don't see the connection," Rarity admitted.

"The sense of smell is both weaker and more visceral in humans. Their own book calls them that, so Lyra was right. But what I can do is return this. All cleaned, except for a few additions." She showed the blanket to Rarity.

"This is what he wrapped Dinky in, when he took her to the hospital. I can understand returning it, but what additions?" Rarity took the proffered blanket and sniffed it. "Derpy's shampoo and conditioner. I'm missing how I can help. I'm not one of his inner circle, and I change my scents on a whim."

"What is Luna's perfume, shampoo and conditioner?" Redheart asked, "I think it's a way to bypass his normal defenses and go straight for his instincts. Scent, plus safety will become more interlinked."

"Luna has simple tastes," Rarity said, "She uses Mane and Tail number six, with Jasmine. And her scent, she doesn't use one, as far as I know. That's just how she smells."

"It's a start," Redheart said, "Thank you."

"Chemical warfare," Rarity said to the departing nurse, "I heartily approve."

"It's medical," Redheart said and grinned.
------------------------------

"Augh!" Discord shouted in frustration, then began pouting, "All that chaos she can cause in here, and I don't want it to happen!" He glared at Tom.

His counterpart soothed the draconequus. "There, there. I'm sure you can find a way to begin the chaos and keep it going as a roaring inferno," Tom said, "You just have to apply yourself."

"Stick my nose to the flaming grindstone," Discord replied, then sat up in his chair, "Nose to the flaming grind stone." Then sagged back down. "No, it couldn't be his exact world she was invading. That would be too easy. 'Hey I found your people and we can send you home, the movers will be here in five minutes. I just have to keep Madlestia from turning you into a pony first.'"

"What, you think he was brought from the world connected to an alternate Equestria to this one?" Tom asked, "That would be convoluted even for you."

"Yes. Well, I thought it, and it doesn't work." Discord sighed then Discord stretched out his feet and cracked his toes. "It seems someone has to deal with Missy Grimplot and her purple gak." He sighed. "I could just turn her into a pool toy with a built-in squeaker, and other appropriate features."

"And when Celestia finds out about your recreational activities?" Tom asked, "She's very strange about how she reacts to ponies who misbehave."

"Maybe, but there's nothing more satisfying than sticking a pin in a `god` and watching them deflate," Discord said.

"That wasn't a pin you were talking about, or was it?" Tom asked.

Discord just glowered at him.
------------------------------

Shining Armor looked at the cards he'd been dealt. Their highness' two chamberlains Emerald Light and Feather Stockings, and the griffon general, Glorious Sunrise enjoyed a late lunch card game as the various politicians of various nations argued over the fate of one alien the ponies of Equestria had 'fumbled the handling of'.

"At least the nobles have somehow come to their senses. I can't imagine where Blue Moon got the clout to rein in that pack of maniacs," Emerald Light said as he raised his cards and frowned.

"Fold," Armor said disgustedly. He held up the cards. An ace and a ten, value one. "You suppose with all the ancient and alien customs and ideas, that our friend has a card game where that's a winning hand?"

Feather Stockings snickered. "Raise three, anything is possible."

Emerald Light silently regarded his cards, before discarding one and the griffon sent another card across the table to him. "Raise six," the stallion said.

"Anything is possible," Glorious Sunrise said. He grinned and turned over an ace and an eight, nine. "There might even be a game where that's a bad hand." He grinned as he put the cards back in the discard pile and dealt two cards to each of the four players.

Armor looked at his cards and grimaced again. "General, if you'll forgive the question, you seem a good deal more amenable than your reputation."

"That isn't a question," Glorious said quietly as he stared at his cards.

"What happened?" Emerald Light said, "I believe that's the question."

The old griffon sighed. "You lad should be able to guess. The overly zealous lieutenant who has become a more even captain."

Armor stared at him. "Another griffon?" he asked.

The general scoffed, "One of those arrogant feather-dusters, or bits of down floating around. Please captain, give an old bird a little credit." He smiled. "A pony, but a brilliant mind. Like my Sunstriker. Not so stuck in wanting to know history or politics, but willing to talk about things I'm really interested in. I was even gladder that our investigation shows that her family is as solid as any in Equestria. I could enjoy a little ebullient joy, and a bit of intelligent conversation."

"Card," Armor said, and received one, "Well that's loads of help, two."

"How did you meet her?" Feather asked, "Pass, raise three."

"She was in Ponyville," the griffon said as he glanced at Emerald.

"Added card," Luna's chamberlain said and received a third card, "Call. Not the young captain's sister?"

Armor grimaced and stared at the griffon.

"No, but one of her friends," the griffon said.

Armor's brows knitted as the griffon took a card and raised three. Armor was deciding, when the griffon told him. "The Element of Laughter."
------------------------------

Nurse Redheart felt very much she was entering the lair of a monster. She steeled herself as the large dog seemed to be watching her with a good deal more interest and comprehension that a dog had any right to have.

"Just the inoculation set up," she said and opened the kit to let the very large dog see it, "Keeps him from getting any of our diseases."

The dog seemed to relax a trifle.

Redheart walked towards the closet where it had holed up. She felt a pang of guilt over her part in the affair. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, and touched a hoof to his shoulder.

He half turned to look at her. She showed him the blanket she was returning. He made a soft noise. She put it under his head to act as a pillow, and to get the scents close to his nose. Then she hooved over one of the brochures on immunization. He looked at it briefly, and pulled up his sleeve. Then he said something that made the dog gasp.

I'll investigate this later, she thought.

"Ah, it'll hurt less if you lie on your stomach and . . . and I doubt you'd be willing to do that with any mare right now. In the foreleg it is," she took the first of a series of fourteen shots that most ponies got over a six-month period early in life. "Sorry about this," she repeated, sterilized the needle and gave him the first shot.
------------------------------

Shining Armor wandered through the castle, he seemed only dimly aware of Mile Stone and Cadence worriedly following him. They couldn't make out his bewildered mutterings, but they realize it was the same set of sentences over and over again.

"Have you seen this before?" Cadence asked Mile Stone. She fretted as Armor slowly walked along the corridors.

"Not usually without some serious trauma," Mile Stone said, "Although his sister would occasionally get this way. When she encountered a problem that made no logical sense per her understanding of the universe."

"Understanding," Armor giggled, "Understanding, ah ha ha ha. I understand it completely." Armor wandered along, and kept giggling. An unsettling sound.

"Shining," Cadence said carefully, "What do you understand?"

She shied back as he stared at her, the grin was alien to his usual expression. "Everything. Discord has taken over the world, and he's just messing with us." He giggled. "The Colonel-General has found a soul mate, in Ponyville." Armor giggled again. "A mare his intellectual equal, who discusses what he's interested in. And I told him how to court her." The giggle was particularly dispiriting this time.

"The five-time winner of most stolid object in Equestria? Beating even the Canterhorn itself?" Cadence said, "Not your sister, is it?"

Armor's answering giggle concerned her and Mile Stone. "Three guesses, and the first two aren't pink," Armor giggled and kept meandering.

Cadence let out a similar giggle as she realized who they had to be referring to. She shook her head and said, "The griffon has to be playing a joke on us."

Mile Stone shrugged. "That would be more Sunstriker's forte," he said, and glanced at the two younger ponies, "Why is it the young never seem to understand that the old were young once too. And for this, I'm missing lunch: cream of asparagus on toast." He sighed and followed the pair as they laughed nervously at the thoughts racing through their minds.
------------------------------

Despite Tom's encounter, Discord had felt the probing of the dimensional barriers around Equestria for several days. But now I have to take action, he thought and grimly looked about this alternate Equestria for signs of similarity and differences. The first was truly shocking, his counterpart in this other reality was long-destroyed, so he was unnoticed as he made his way into the holy-of-holies with malice aforethought. I really should bring him to Celestia's version. It might be very interesting to see what happens. The spell was a bit too familiar, another warning he'd have to impress on Celestia, whose 'experts' were investigating in Nistag's lab even now. So, all of the plant master's secrets were found, and far too early for Celestia to deal with them. Tragic, he thought, damping his anger at this abomination as he used that anger to fuel the spell he sent against it. The Chaos magic that had protected it against everything else let his Chaos magic through. Professional courtesy, he explained.

The crystalline tree was slowly dying, the crystals blackening and dropping to the floor to shatter. Discord stepped back into the shadows of the room and waited. He was very surprised that it took so long for the clattering of hooves to announce the entire reason he was here.

She was as beautiful as his own Celestia, but the artificial horn that replaced the one sheered from her head reminded him of the difference.

Nothing can grow in that soil, it is too poisoned for anything, he thought, feeling the regrets that she had fallen so far, I had to see, before I pronounced sentence. Sorry, Celestia, but this is not something you should ever have to face. I can keep it from happening, he vowed silently as the white alicorn cast spell after spell to slow the rot that was swiftly disintegrating the focus of her power and madness.

"DISCORD!" she shouted, setting the very stone to shaking.

"Amazing that you'd see what I've done, and think of me," Discord said as he stepped into the light, and closed the trap on this threat to his home.

"What have you done?" the mad Solar Tyrant shouted, "How did you escape?"

"I didn't, I came from one of those other realities you threaten," Discord offered quietly, no jokes, only a sober reflection of pain over what could befall someone he loved. "As for what I did, I simply moved things to their logical conclusion."

The insane mirror of Celestia danced nervously. "Fix it!"

"I thought you wanted perfect order, I simply applied it to the stolen Chaos magic you were using. Harmony is not conformity," he explained, hoping to see the faintest glimmer of comprehension or contrition, "Harmony is accepting the differences, to contend ideas and beliefs against each other, and still end the argument loving and respecting the other." It tore his heart to see only a moment of confusion, then the arrogant surety.

"I am a goddess," she told him coldly as she pawed the ground and lowered her horn, "I destroyed you before, I can do so again." Her horn glowed briefly, before it blackened and the grafted crystal fell from her forehead and shattered, leaving only the blackened stump on Celestia.

"You've destroyed nothing, yet. You tore the other me to pieces, and stapled the bits to the floor. But it is not me whom you will destroy, but you were the one who you drove mad," he said. She ignored the implicit warning of his subdued manner and tone. He tried to explain, to give her one last chance, "You cannot base perfection on a flawed and chaos-riven foundation. And I will not allow you to destroy my Celestia's Equestria, and I will destroy the falsity you have foisted on all your victims."

"You are dead!" she shrieked as she shied and sunfished, "I am Queen, I am a goddess!"

"You are a lonely mare who never understood that people can oppose you out of love for you," Discord said, "You defeated the other me because as a confirmed narcissist himself, he could not see how deadly unbridled narcissism can become. That the greatest evil is 'the Greater Good', that allows you to ignore the very principles you would seek to champion. You never considered how many, if simply offered, would flock to your banner. Especially if it could be reversed. A vacation seeing what Harmony could do. Converts, not slaves. To teach and educate would have given you an army of advocates as enthusiastic and as evangelizing as those whose fanaticism was forged by force and distortions."

Celestia still twitched and sidestepped as the crystals of the tree continued to blacken and fall away. "I will destroy you." She suddenly shrieked and looked at the blackened spot on her foreleg. She cried in alarm as that spot grew, and another appeared on her other foreleg, then another on her flank. "What have you done!?" she faced Discord and screamed. She nearly spun around looking at the black spots appearing on her body. Spots that burned her like fire.

"You are correct, only one force in Equestria can destroy you. How fortunate it is so easily available. And how it hates you."

"You could never summon that force!" Celestia squealed from the throes of pain. She threw herself at him, but like a neutrino, he interacted only weakly with her. Instead she crashed into the walls. She turned and charged again, only to strike not Discord but the dying crystal tree. She gasped as her collision sheared off a major limb which fell and mouldered away.

"The force is yourself, Queen Celestia," Discord said and reined in the fury he felt at this sacrilegious blending of everything he and Celestia stood for that managed only to make a mockery of both, "You never realized that the thing in all the world you hated more than anything, was yourself." He looked at her sadly as the growing spots began to join together. "I simply eliminated the destruction of all those who 'failed' you, and went straight to the endgame, where your fire consumes itself. Where you consume yourself. Those that burn hottest, burn most briefly. That is the way of suns. You should have remembered that. I promise, my Celly will learn that lesson."

The smell of burning horseflesh filled the large room. Celestia's shrieks fell off even as she collapsed and kicked weakly. Soon all that was left was a piece of smoldering charcoal.

"I hope those left behind can undo what you have done," Discord said quietly as he left the chamber. In the palace, the guards and servants ran here and there in a chaos he would have once danced in joy on seeing.

But this is the death throes of madness, he thought as he rushed to the garden. The statue of Luna stood where his statue should have been. He stuck his finger against it, and the mare shuddered to life.

"Discord," Luna shouted in alarm and fear as she reared back, and shied away as far as the pedestal allowed. Then she looked at his expression more closely and settled on the ground beside the pedestal. "Discord?"

"Not yours," he replied. "The Barrier has fallen. You will have to stabilize things here, and prepare the articles of surrender. You will find them astoundingly generous to the fallen."

"Discord?" Luna said.

Discord took off Luna's ears and cleaned them out, dumping a trumpet, a live cat and several bushels of junk mail out of them. "Testing, testing, the Solar Tyrant is dead, and unless you take swift action, all of Equestria will follow." He stuffed the ears back on Luna. He was enjoying the restoration of his full power, as the local Discord was still slowly-reintegrating pieces, he could utilize that worthy's power for a little while. Once there was a contest, Discord could explain everything to Discord and let the events unfold without him.

"How?" Luna asked.

"The humans have ponies with them. Imagine that, your foes embrace everything Equestria supposedly stood for. Hammer on the anvil, and the dross shines brightest."

Luna shied at his tone and expression.

He reined in his anger and revulsion. "I can go explain it to them, but you must get a handle on the chaos inside. If you do not move swiftly, and give them something and someone to focus on, they will tear themselves apart."

Luna's eyes widened.

"Chaos is fun, but genocide will leave nothing to play with," Discord said peevishly, "There. Better, more understandable as the Discord you expect? It's been a long time, for both of us, people change," he said and sighed as Luna nodded. "Go," Discord said, "I've got work to do. I will try to buy both sides the time to come to their senses. After that, there will be all the chaos I can enjoy. But if you kill each other, nobody wins. Not even me."

He felt Luna's incredulous stare on him as he vanished.
------------------------------

Selene Dream slipped out of the door to the Princess' quarters, the small filly who followed her was a bit of an embarrassment. She didn't say anything, because to complain meant her mother would be full-sized as she accompanied her.

Her goal was easily found. She smirked inwardly as the four fillies followed 'Hotaru' and `barked` along with the happy song the former Nightmare was joyously singing.

I wonder if I translated 'Where There's a Whip, There's a Way' for them, if they'd appreciate it, Selene thought of the singing group.

"Hello," she said as she approached.

It took Dinky a few moments to recognize her. "Your Highness." Dinky started to bow.

"None of that, I haven't been formally recognized," Selene said, "And I need your help in an experiment."

Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked on expectantly. They noted the little princess' lack of a cutie mark. "Are you here to join the Crusaders?" Scootaloo asked eagerly. Instantly the other two chattered happily about the possibility of a princess being a member of the club. Dinky merely facehoofed at the prospect.

"Actually, I already know my destiny," Selene said, "And my special power."

"You do?" Applebloom asked. She and the others became instantly interested.

"I can sense destinies. And with the right spells, I can even give cutie marks," Selene said, and ignored her mother clearing her throat. "In fact I studied up on you three before I left Canterlot."

She suddenly had three fillies' faces nearly pressed up against hers. "You do? You can!"

"Certainly," Selene said, "Scootaloo, with your speed and agility, you'll get a book, and be the fastest and most skilled librarian in the world. Rivaling even the legendary Dust Jacket. You'll take over the library here from Twilight and eventually move to head librarian at Canterlot, ArchChancellor of the Royal Archives!"

The pinpoint pupils and saucer-sized eyes was well worth it.

"Applebloom, you will become the most famous and prolific seller of mangos in Equestria. You'll have to hire many of your relatives to work for you as you drive apples into a niche market, but you will be more famous than even your grandmother."

"Mangos?" Applebloom said in horror.

"And Sweetie Belle, you will be the most famous Wonderbolt in Equestrian history. Aren't those wonderful destinies, but I'll have to cast the spell fast, or they'll slip away?"

"You mean if we wait a bit, that cain't happen?" Applebloom said.

"Yes, tragic isn't it," Selene said and blocked out the strangled snorts from the other fillies with them, and Hotaru's.

"Oh yes, tragic," Sweetie Belle agreed, "But what are you here in Ponyville for? After all, it's taking you away from whipping up destinies."

"Yes, we'd really like to know, tell us everything and don't spare the details," Scootaloo added.

"I am here on a quest, for knowledge," Selene said.

"Ooo!" the Crusaders answered.

"The Big Guy has the most convoluted destiny I have ever seen," Selene continued, "And I was trying to figure out how to untangle it."

"And you need our help?" Dinky said, then grinned, "But must get the Crusaders' their Cutie Marks." Dinky smiled at the utter dread on the Crusaders' faces.

"Mustn't interrupt a princess, when she's trying to teach a lesson," Sweetie Belle said, then grinned back, "And you don't have a Cutie Mark either."

"My daddy doesn't have one, and neither do Celly nor Woona," Dinky said and shrugged, "So I can be patient about getting mine."

"Neither Celly nor Woona have their Cutie Marks yet?" the filly with Selene asked.

"Nope," Dinky said, "It's a little weird, but it's too complicated when they try to explain it."

The fillies nodded.
------------------------------

The situation room was deep under the city of Richmond, Virginia. Ponies and humans were staring at reports that were increasingly pointing to the salvation of the human race.

" 'When I looked at those ships, I didn't see just my death, I saw the death of the whole, damn human race'," they heard coming from everywhere and nowhere.

The guards tensed and scanned the room with their weapons.

" 'Then why did they surrender?' 'I don't know, maybe the universe blinked, maybe God changed His mind, all I know is we got a second chance,'" Discord said as he stepped into view of the assembled guards. "Good lines, just don't blow it. It was difficult and painful to arrange."

The guards raised their weapons as the ponies among the humans drew back.

"Discord!" Octavia gasped as she drew back.

"The three and only," the trio said together. "Hey anybody want to see the pencil trick?" They held up a pencil, a pen and a coat hanger.

"Who are you?" the soldier at the table said as he stood. While not the highest ranked, he was by force of personality, the leader.

"Discord, the spirit of chaos, trickster extraordinarie." He paused and considered. "Ah, in human terms, 'eh, what's up doc?'" Discord said and munched a carrot. " 'Eh, how you get so big eating food of this kind?' Ah, steak! That's better, and rosewood, the thorns are the best part." He munched the twisted collection of rose stems.

"What do you want?" the highest-ranking politician asked.

"The Solar Tyrant is dead, assisted suicide, Princess Luna is now trying to stabilize Equestria. I want you to hold back any of your attacks. I suspect you're going to have your hands full with the repercussions of that effect. The new foals are going to need leadership, without the influence of the Solar Tyrant, they are going to need a purpose. I think you'll find them a good deal more pliable. Although they may start acting more like regular ponies." Discord shuddered. "Boring."

"Can he be trusted?" the politician asked.

"I can be trusted as well as you can be," Discord said, "So count your fingers, toes and children when I shake your hand. And guard your wallet when I say I'm going to help you."

"Discord!" Lyra shouted as she entered with another sheaf of reports, "Guards! Guards!"

"Guards!" Discord shouted, "Free cheeseburgers for everyone! The pony ones are vegi-burgers or tofu!" The platter of cheeseburgers appeared on the table. The arriving guards were carrying additional platters of cheeseburgers, where they had been carrying rifles or grenade launchers. The buns were either shaped like a human head, or a pony silhouette.

The soldier had pulled up a file on his tablet computer. He looked over to see Discord's head floating over his shoulder reading along with him. "This behavior doesn't seem consistent with the description of you."

"Pick out the word in that sentence that explains it," Discord said as he reached over and grabbed his head. He dribbled his head while waiting.

The soldier grimaced. "So the Barrier is gone?" he asked.

"Correctamundo!" Discord said happily. "I tried to put the cities back the way they were, but I decided I could make some improvements."

Octavia gasped.

"The Leaning Tower, now it swings both ways, hmm, maybe I should have put it in San Francisco. I just had to put the casing blocks back on the pyramids, and library of Alexandria, it was supposed to be in Alexandria, Virginia, wasn't it?" Discord took a seat in midair and considered. "It was a rush job after all. Well, you are such an inventive people, I'm sure you can figure out a way to switch the Eiffel Tower and Big Ben. But I think the clocks and bells give it a certain je ne sais quaff. I'll certainly drink to that. Tea for preference. I only whine when hit by the Elements of Harmony."

"You put the clocks on the Eiffel Tower?" the politician asked.

"Oh, the clocks are supposed to go on Big Ben?" Discord asked, he shrugged, "Never mind."

"Oh, and to answer your question, why my behavior is so charming in an unexpected way. I've been taking lessons from a friend, a human. I realized if the Solar Tyrant wormed her way into Celly's Equestria, we'd violate the principle to keep the battle away from the folks at home. As for my tutor, to give you a thumbnail, oh, you already have one. Anyway, as a soldier, he survived Dieppe, Juno Beach, Bergen-Belsin, and the Pusan Perimeter. As an engineer, he strove to fire an Arrow into the air. Then with no Avro to call home, he worked with welders and inspectors to ensure the Aquarius' engine could get the Odyssey home."

"Failure is not an option," the soldier understood, "But chaos?"

"Thief!" a second Discord appeared and confronted the first. "You stole my powers! I'm here to take them back."

"Oh, I'll give them back, and something else," Discord told Discord, then grinned.

The other Discord glowed briefly. He laughed uproariously, then fell over and curled into a ball.

"It's all about 'life-affirming chaos'. The starving people being in the middle of a rain of herring. Chaotic, yes, weird, yes, and very fishy, but . . . " He gestured to the soldier.

"Life affirming," Octavia said as she approached the fallen Discord, who was crying and giggling.

"Oh, he'll be fine, well, coarse, but let him try to figure out Houdini's trick," Discord said, "That'll keep him occupied. That or let him have cable, all the legislature channels. He won't know if he should laugh or cry." Discord vanished.

Outside the boundaries of the normal reality, he looked at the hundreds of Discords, Celestia, Lunas and others waiting to attack. "Okay, break it up, nothing happening here, don't you ponies have homes?" Within moments, he was alone with himself. "I said go home!" All the other Discords vanished, except the one with the 'Team Jacob' T-shirt. "Wrong Twilight," he said and reordered that one.

"What a world, what a world," it squealed as it melted.

Okay, Celly, that's one fewer enemy for your Equestria, he thought, then grinned at the massive trolling he'd pulled off on himself.
------------------------------

The others looked around. Octavia glanced at the still fetal-curled Discord, who still laughed and cried. "Did anyone notice that he referred to 'The Solar Tyrant', and 'Celly's Equestria'?"

Several of the members of the group nodded.

"What was that all in reference too?" Lyra asked as she nibbled a tofu burger.

"Dieppe was a military disaster, and invasion where most everything went wrong," the soldier said, "Juno went much better because of the lessons of Dieppe. Bergen-Belsen was a concentration camp. The Pusan Perimeter was the result of a nightmare retreat. The Arrow was probably the CF-105, and the Aquarius was the Lunar Excursion Module for Apollo 13."

"So, smart, tough son of a gun," Lyra said, "And he wowed Discord. So add mean."

"I can't fault your analysis," the politician said, he said as he received another report. "Equestria has surrendered unconditionally, they are requesting peacekeepers to help restore order, in return for all research on the Ponification Potion, and previously-illegal research into a reversing potion. They also point out that short duration exposure to Equestria's high magic environment will have no long-term deleterious effects. Long-term exposure results in lethargy and euphoria. Sound like bipolar."

"Sound like Discord is going to having a real fun time," Octavia said, "When he wakes up."
------------------------------

Dinky had heard all the talk from Selene Dreamer about 'sharing the burden' and she understood a little of it. I'm glad the Crusaders didn't get it, she thought as she watched the mares slip into their sleeping arrangements. She headed towards the closet where the Big Guy had exiled himself from the world.

Trixie was already there, cuddled up against him. She spared Dinky a glance, then smiled. Dinky took her usual place, curled up around his feet, as if nothing had changed. She was surprised when Trixie pulled a jacket off the hanger and covered her with it.

Dinky waited. She'd heard the nightmares, little cries of fear that frightened and angered her when she'd heard them from the safety of her mother's embrace.

I'll be ready for them this time, she thought, Just like Selene suggested. She drifted off to sleep.
------------------------------

Celestia was enjoying an evening's sleep without any worries of distractions. The last thing she expected was Discord, even the tiny fragment that 'roomed' with the Big Guy's consciousness. In her dream, she jumped to her feet and took a defensive stance. "Discord, what do you want?"

He looked at her or rather in her direction, but made no smarmy quip or denigrating insult. He was as outwardly uninterested as ever, but there was something unnerving at the tone of his disinterest.

"Discord?" she asked again.

He seemed to center himself, but he never looked directly at her as he spoke. "There is something in Nistag's lab. I don't know if it is currently a seed, or a cutting to be grafted. It promises immense power, even to one such as you or I, but it also focuses the personality." Discord paused, then continued distractedly, as Twilight did when puzzling through a difficult passage. "No, it doesn't focus, it perfects both power and personality. Distills both good and bad to their purest, powers without contamination, personality without moderating influences. In fact, moderating influences would be looked upon as traitorous contamination." He looked at Celestia, as if seeing her for the first time. "There was no reasoning with her. There would be no reasoning with you. Anything that would distract you from your goal: ethics, morals, friendship, kinships, even what you might now consider common sense, they'd be swept aside." He looked away, ignoring the clues that she could strike him any of a hundred ways and was fully prepared to do exactly that.

"You needn't worry though. I took care of her. And most of her former victims are too busy trying to allocate resources and pick up the pieces to threaten anyone here." He was back to not looking at her, actively looking this way and that, but not really seeming to see anything.

" 'There was no reasoning with her' yet you 'took care of her'?" Celestia asked. She readied for the explosion, literal or figurative. That Discord merely looked at her with an utterly bland expression frightened her worse than anything he'd done before.

"I turned her own exaggerated hatred of her overvalued imperfections against her," Discord said. His soft, distant, and utterly clinical tone implied that he knew what would happen when he did it, and still went ahead with few qualms. "I tried to explain. Even after what she did to me, and her sister, and the Element Bearers. But there was nothing to reach. Nothing to touch. I bet you or the Big Guy could have done a better job of it. All I had was me."

Celestia nodded nervously. I can't imagine facing something like that, she thought, To turn against Luna, and Twilight, what could ever force me to become like that?

Discord sighed. "Anyway, after tracking it down to Nistag's device, I just thought you should know, and that you don't have to worry about 'the Solar Tyrant' invading with her army."

"Thank you," Celestia said.

Discord nodded and turned to leave.

"Discord?" Celestia asked.

The chaos spirit didn't turn. "Yes?"

"Please come here," she said.

The look of resignation on his face was physically painful to her. Is there anyone in Equestria who doesn't fear my wrath? she asked herself, Even Twilight and her friends fear me, my sister, but I never expected to see Discord afraid of me.

"Are you all right?" she asked as he approached. She folded her wings and forced her mane and tail to subside and fall into a tight line along her back, following Fluttershy's lessons of looking small and soft.

He blinked and glanced around, as if not understanding the question. "Yes," he gave a half-hearted answer then brightened, "Why wouldn't I be?" The smile didn't last. He looked away from her. "I could either let her continue threatening those people, and then our Equestria, and how many more. Or I could, finish it."

Celestia extended her wings and drew him to her. "Oh Discord, I'm sorry," she said, and felt him trembling at her touch. "I know you did everything you could."

She never thought she'd see Discord fall to his knees and begin weeping. I don't know if I should be furious or pleased at what the Big Guy did to him, she thought as she hugged the silently crying draconequus, I can't imagine what would drive me to actually kill Luna, I never thought he actually loved me, that it wasn't a trick or a delusion. Yet he killed a 'me' for me and for Equestria.
------------------------------
Day 43

This is very worrisome, Tom thought about Discord's atypical behavior, He's grinning like a mad thing, which usually means some light entertainment, except for the victim. Yet he's totally oblivious. Which doesn't bode well for anybody.

"Discord," Tom said, "Pinkie Pie has sworn off parties and decided to get herself transferred to Dilbert."

"That office will certainly be a better place to work" Discord said as he walked, rather aimlessly.

Tom waited for the inevitable mental explosion when that thought penetrated. When it did, Tom was more surprised than anything.

"Pinkie Pie can be depressed, but it isn't the deep depression the Big Guy is in right now," Discord said as he sat in the air and thought, "Imagine someone who needs that restraint to work out grief." He grinned wider and kept walking.

"Definitely a plan," Tom said, "But why is he so happy about it?"
------------------------------

Celestia looked over the arguing politicians who'd were slowly driving her mad with their incessant demands, counterdemands and countercounterdemands. I feel like a referee, rather than a leader. I just have to keep them from killing each other and all `progress` they eventually produce gets tabled or grounds itself on the details they can't agree on.

The appearance of Glorious Sunrise into the chamber promised a brief respite, until Celestia realized that the griffon delegation was as perplexed as she was about the reason for his arrival.

"Colonel-General, to what do I own the pleasure?" she asked, grateful for the delay, until she saw him pulling off his glove. He threw it at her hooves and proceeded to hand an envelope to the sergeant-at-arms. Then he walked out.

The griffons were silent. The only noise from the others was the rustle of movement with an occasion neck pop as they looked from the griffons, to Celestia, and back.

Celestia was well versed in griffon customs. The thrown glove reduced the number of things the letter could say to three, all of them regrettable. The least bad is that he's resigning from the diplomatic mission, from some insult I offered, she thought as the sergeant of arms stared at the letter, and didn't seem inclined to approach her with it, No, there's no chance it could be something else.

The sergeant roused himself and approached Celestia, carrying the letter as if it would turn and bite him at any moment. "Highness, I must be reading this wrong," he offered the letter to his liege.

Celestia scanned it, the first sentence confirmed her worst fears. The list of grievances afterwards was almost an afterthought. "It seems the Colonel-General believes I have been wasting everyone's time, and to bring the issue to a close, he has challenged me to single combat," Celestia was not alone in doubting the reality of the words on the page. "In three days time. He has left for Ponyville, to see to the preparation of weapons." Celestia paused as she read through the list of weapons being prepared, then reread them just to make sure. "Oh dear," she said, as much to send the diplomatic corps into a tizzy, as to hide her own reaction to the only form of combat those weapons could result in. "Oh dear, oh dear," she said, as the pain of not smiling began to grow.
------------------------------

Twilight was used to seeing Pinkie Pie in the library. She was not used to seeing her reading the books there, especially not one of the books that had been lent from the Big Guy's library. "Pinkie, aren't those the books Rainbow was supposed to be using to figure out the aerial maneuvers?" Twilight asked as she noted Pinkie paging through the book and doodling on a pad.

"She keeps forgetting they're here," Pinkie mumbled around the pencil in her mouth, "I think she's afraid of them."

Twilight briefly considered that, then noted what Pinkie was concentrating on. "Aren't those like your Pinkie flier?"

"We aren't calling them 'Dianes' in this story," Pinkie said, "This word appears over and over, it's pronounced, 'helocopter', maybe they thought it had something to do with the sun."

"It's helicopter, and I don't think it has anything to do with the sun," Twilight said, "What are you working on?"

"A helicopter," Pinkie replied.

Twilight blinked, and redirected the path along lines of an answer, "Why are you studying the Big Guy's books on helicopters."

"Because none of the books in the library gave me the answers I wanted," Pinkie replied as she continued sketching.

"These books have the latest on flying spells and all the research that's been done on them," Twilight said.

"Like I said," Pinkie replied as she flipped through another set of pages until she found an intriguing diagram.

"Pinkie, I want to know what you're doing," Twilight said.

Pinkie set the pencil on the desk and looked at Twilight. "You remember all the times you tried to tell me to leave you alone, without saying anything really insulting?" she asked.

"Yes," Twilight said.

"You're no better at getting the hint than I was," Pinkie said. "I'll come back when you're busy helping the Princess." Pinkie collected her pad and walked out.

It took Twilight a moment to focus. "Helping the Princess with what?"

She dashed outside, but Pinkie was nowhere to be seen.
------------------------------

Pinkie had spotted the griffon approaching Sugar Cube Corners she thought she recognized him from the party. As she dashed into the shop behind him, she knew she was correct.

"Hi!" she said, "Are you here for more pastries?" she asked as he looked at her and smiled, "You're different than that meanie-pants Gilda, all you griffons are."

"Most griffons, like most ponies, are different. People who've seen the chimera have changed," he said, then grinned again, "Actually, I was scouting kitchens. Maybe you can help. I need the two best in Ponyville."

"Sugar Cube Corners is the bestest kitchen in Ponyville. The second, well, Glory and her crew have a real good one. But the restaurant down the street is pretty good too." She grinned. "Why do you need a pair of kitchens?"

He glanced around. Only the Cakes were present, and about eight customers. "Oh, I challenged her Highness to a duel." He looked stunned as Pinkie dragged him outside.

"Don't even joke about things like that," Pinkie whispered. "She's a lot better than people think."

"It's necessary," he said, "If the other nations win, they'll put your friend from elsewhere in a cage and move him from kingdom to kingdom, like a trophy. If Celestia wins, the Canterlot nobles will do the same, moving him from estate, to estate, as a pawn in their schemes against each other and their Highnesses. If I win, I decide what happens. And I promise, my plans are to keep him right here. Your sovereign knows this."

Pinkie nodded. "Okay, you Pinkie Promise, and that you'll keep Princess Celestia on as an advisor, and I'll help."

"Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," he intoned.

The coldness and seriousness of his reply told her all she needed to know.

"I am curious, why include Celestia?" he asked.

"She comes up with good plans," Pinkie said.

I'm not betraying her, Pinkie thought, I'm trying to help her.

"But, they turn in her hooves," Pinkie said. "When someone else carries out her ideas, they work."

"So I let her plan, and I enact," the griffon said, "I accept your reasoning."

Pinkie nodded. "I think I know what her opening is going to be. If you can beat that, you'll have the advantage." Pinkie bowed her head. "Who are going to be the judges? If this is going to work, they have to be the right people."

"I have a few in mind," he said, "Would you like to help recruit them?"

Pinkie nodded solemnly. "Celestia understands all of this, doesn't she?"

"Does a parent understand a child testing her wings for the first time?" he asked.

"Not always," Pinkie replied. "You might actually tell her, all your plans. It will mean she understands, and might just throw her off a little."

"Wise, it will certainly be a shock that one so steeped in double-dealing is so forthright. She may be completely stunned."

Pinkie nodded again and hid her grin. "Who gets to face the winner?"

"You have a challenge in mind?" the griffon asked.

"Yes," she said and grinned.
------------------------------

Celestia walked down the corridor with a trepidation she couldn't fully understand. I'm ruler of Equestria, he's never denied me entrance, why do I feel like a suppliant who could be kicked in the teeth by a callous ruler? she wondered as she walked down the stairs to the door set midway through the corridor. She glanced at the door at the bottom of the stairs and again dismissed it as something that could be left for later. What's he going to do? Break in here? she thought and then laughed, He'd probably consider it impolite. She briefly considered the door again, and then again dismissed it as a needless complication.

She opened the door that led to another corridor. One way was Ponyville, the other was the one place in Equestria she honestly feared. My logic and all my experience fail when I try to welcome him into my world. My softest strokes turn and flay him like knifes in a wind storm. Why am I safe in his? she asked herself. It makes no sense. I actually cried for Discord. He saw something that wasn't even related to the Big Guy, and it frightened him to his core. But even he could come to me for comfort and protection. Why everyone, but the visitor from another world? Why can everyone else touch his life without turning it to ashes?

The Apples let her in the front door. Their makeshift bedroom was two of the living room couches pulled together. They bowed, another frustration that had begun to rankle Celestia lately.

I can't have friends, only servants, she thought, My sister is a friend, but she has her daughter to occupy her time as well as her royal duties. I guess I'm tired of being alone again. And while he fears me, he's the only one who doesn't worship me.

"How is he?" she asked.

"The same. Trixie left a little while ago, so," Jonathan caught himself from treating her as any other pony.

"Thank you," she said and walked towards the closet where he'd been keeping himself. She passed Lyra and Bonbon, tangled in the sheets and each others' embrace. The office where so many mysteries were held, and then finally the master bedroom.

She stepped over the gently snorting griffon.

I guess sleeping on a padded floor keeps them from snoring, she thought as she noted the ponypile in the middle of the bed. A twinge of envy at Celly cuddled with Woona, but Celestia walked silently on. 'Hotaru' was awake, and stared at her, yet made no sound, nor warned/woke the others.

Celestia walked by and stuck her head in the closet. As if sensing her, he woke suddenly and retreated into the corner, staring at her in terror.

Dinky was also instantly awake. "It's all right," the little filly soothed, but her expression told Celestia her heart was breaking.

This should be so simple, Celestia thought, then it hit her, That's the problem. I've been assuming that 'Princess Celestia' could accomplish such things. She looked at the pile of ponies sleeping together in his bed. But it was anypony who did it. Anyone who truly cared. But it wasn't enough to simply be, they had to do. I've been assuming that he knew, like all my ponies did, that I cared about them. But he 'knew' I only cared about my ponies.

She lay down just inside the door. The closet crowded by the three people in it. His panic seemed to be less focused on her, and more general, as if he'd woken from a nightmare and was slowly beginning to understand he was awake. That he had escaped from whatever had so frightened him. As he began responding to Dinky's quiet entreaties, Celesta gathered them both in.

Odd, the little one is more taken with her 'daddy's' ailment and health than with the Princess. Maybe that's what draws me, that I have to work, to earn, to actually have someone and something that isn't mine by right. she felt the trembling filly against her body, and the alien who was now trying to comfort his comforter. Have I gone so far that actually having to work at something is such an intoxicating idea? That someone wouldn't instantly love 'Princess Celestia'. I wonder if that's what has Luna so confused, and Celly so twisted in knots. To have to prove I'm worthy of what I've been simply given for so long. Can I be loved because I am lovable, or am I loved because I am some dream that others have and can fit me into? she wanted to asked.

As Dinky faded off into a fretful sleep, he also relaxed, encompassed and reassured by her wing. Soft yet strong. He glanced at Celesta for a moment. She nodded, and he lay against her, Dinky still in his arms. He slowly descended into sleep. Celestia let herself relax, and dream.

What would it be like, to be so alien? she thought, To have only the friends who truly loved you, rather than those who sought advantage and prestige. And to have them be willing to scold you, when you had done wrong, or hurt someone? Celestia smiled. And what is your dream? To go somewhere where you knew you were safe for a while, so you could recover? Or is there more to you than even Discord suspects?

Celestia knew she was safe, even here, even around him. She let the warmth of the two bodies and their quiet breathing lull her into a doze as she lowered her head and relaxed.
------------------------------
Day 44

Morning came, and a need to be up and around. The alicorn muzzily stared at the frazzled mane and tail, and felt that both expressed their relationship with the universe eloquently. The brush and comb, his brush and comb, hovered in the air in a nimbus of magic. The Imperial White alicorn grimaced at that, and with trepidation brought them forward to gingerly brush out the mane. The tail would wait. As the two implements moved smoothly through the long hair, the alicorn relaxed and took on a sardonic air. After a few strokes that managed to assert some order over the wild hair, the sight of the human cuddled with the filly drew attention.

Which is cuddling which? was the immediate reaction.

The royal hoof touched the human's mouth, bringing consciousness more peaceably than it had for the alicorn, as the intruding limb was pushed away. Then the realization dawned and full wakefulness followed.

Don't scream. But the human caught sight of the filly and silently checked for fingers and toes, then stepped up to the mirror and looked deeply into it. The human's expression of stunned amazement, followed by pointing a finger from human to alicorn and back.

The alicorn shrugged. The human tried to dash past, and was blocked by the alicorn's wing.

"What would you do?" came a question from the alicorn.

The utter incomprehension, then the dawning realization came. Then a cunning look, and a beckoning gesture.

"What would you do?" the alicorn repeated.

The human snapped fingers in the alicorn's face, then stared at the hand in amazement. The whispered explanation was pure gibberish. The human's hands covered the mouth, and the eyes widened.

The alicorn nodded. Then took mercy on the frantic counterpart. The brush and comb, along with several other items lifted and went through a short aerial dance. The human touched one covered by a nimbus of magic. He seemed shocked that all that was accomplished was changing its trajectory through the dance, and it soon righted itself.

The human collapsed and began quietly sobbing. The alicorn knelt and gathered the disoriented creature to her. The human hugged her tightly and was soon joined by Dinky and Hotaru, offering encouragements and reassurances.
------------------------------

Luna was walking with Selene when they spotted Celestia leaving her chambers. "Everything all right?" the Lunar Diarch asked, "I thought you'd planned to return in time to raise the sun."

"There were complications," Celestia said.

She seemed a tad colder that she usually was. "Some revelation that I should know about?" Luna teased, "Some dark and hidden knowledge that I should be a party to."

That Selene picked that moment to start laughing uproariously, told Luna she had missed something vitally important.

"You could say that," Celestia said and gestured with a wing back to their quarters. "Something you very much need to know." She scowled at Selene. "And you too ya little imp."

Her daughter ignored the royal pique and continued to giggle as she walked between her mother and aunt.

"If this is a prank you two have worked out . . ." Luna left the threat unspoken. But now both Celestia and Selene were laughing.
------------------------------

Celestia had Discord pinned against a wall and looked ready to drive her horn straight through him. "PUT US BACK!" she thundered and dimpled his hide ever so slightly to remind him how thin his margin of safety was.

"Celestia," Discord said carefully, "Much as I'd like to take credit for this, and therefore be able to reverse it, without the Alicorn Amulet boosting my powers, I'm effectively helpless. A voice in the wind as it were."

"Then who?" Celestia said as she backed up a step, "Who would do such a thing?"

"My dear Celestia, there's only one prankster in Equestria with the power and desire to carry this out," Discord said as he rubbed the spot where her horn had nearly gone through him.

"What is he, you mean me?!" Celestia shouted aghast.

"What? 'To have only the friends who truly love you, rather than those who seek advantage and prestige.' And, 'To go somewhere where you know you are safe for a while, so you can recover?' Don't tell me you didn't see this as the perfect chance. He will be acting very randomly, even for him. And you are in the middle of delicate battles on a dozen fronts. You just wanted to throw it all away. Well, you did." Discord started snickering.

"I would never steal someone's life!" Celestia said.

"You didn't 'steal', you traded. He gets your long-practiced stability and tranquility while he rebuilds his damaged sanity, and you get to go completely Librarian poo. To suffer the things you put aside because your ponies needed you to be strong. On this side, you'll feel things more strongly than you did as a pony. And nopony will think it unusual if you suddenly burst into tears, or hug one of your friends. Or both." Discord spun, releasing chocolate-covered pancakes in all directions. "Total chaos, and everypony will see it as completely normal. Imagine that!"

"I have to get back," Celestia said.

"Do you think Luna wanted to find her other sisters dead?" Discord asked, "Or that your daughter died of the frost the warring tribes brought with them."

"They didn't mean to," Celestia said desperately, "They didn't understand what they were doing."

"But how did you feel?" Discord asked in earnest tones, "Knowing you were powerless. And that such a hurt was delivered with no malice towards you?"
------------------------------

Celly heard the scream of pain and rage, and rushed to the bathroom where the Big Guy lay sprawled on the floor, shrieking and screaming by turns. Hotaru had trapped his hands, to keep him from injuring himself in his thrashing. Celly dragged him out into the bedroom with Hotaru's help. There the two of them wrapped him in sheets and blankets, half padding and half straitjacket. The two crowded in against him, reassuring and restraining.

"It's all right, it's all right," Celly told the mad thing in her friend's skin.

The cries devolved into sobs. Celly and Hotaru cuddled up against him.
------------------------------

"This is insane!" Luna insisted, and tried to ignore Selene, lying hooves up on Celestia's bed, laughing wildly.

"Any more insane than me being on your world in the first place," the Big Guy said, "Or is it just me being in your sister's body while she's in mine that was the tipping point? I stopped trying to make sense of this place with the color scheme. The fact you could fly with those tiny wings, or do magic was just icing on the cake." He looked around. "And Discord wonders why I think I'm dead. One day, an old man who became an adult on the beach at Dieppe is looking in the mirror at himself as late thirties, early forties, then the next day, he sees a female horned pegasus."

"Alicorn!" Selene managed between laughing.

"Alicorn?" he asked, "Your entire species is named after your horn? And people think I'm weird. Although some feminists do that with gender, and to a similar part."

"We have to get you back to Ponyville, and restore my sister," Luna said and stood before the door to Celestia's quarters.

"Excuse me, who do you think did this in the first place?" he asked.

Luna slowly turned to stare at him.

"I've got no magic, Hotaru is too cowed to try this, and it's beyond her imagination anyway. Discord doesn't have the power reserves, and if Twilight did it, she'd either be pestering everybody about a solution, or hung herself from a lamp post by now. That leaves you, and her as culprits."

"You think I might have had a hoof in this?" Luna asked.

"You or your sister," he replied. "Well, I think it's time to greet the Royal Court, don't you?" He approached the door.

"You can't go out like that!" Luna said.

"Oh?" He looked himself over, then changed. "Is this more what you'd like in your sister's bedroom?" the steel gray and blue-maned, male alicorn asked Luna. He reached over and closed her mouth. "Catching flies little one. I'm sure Cadence can foalsit for you, and I can help you reach those high notes," he whispered.

He transformed back into Celestia and walked out past her. "Quick study," he called over his shoulder. Then to the soldiers who fell in with 'her', "I think I'm going to need the highest-ranked members of the civil service, and all the nobles in Canterlot. A very important meeting about an hour before lunch. If the nobles can't attend, those who can will shape the plan."

The guard saluted and peeled off to carry out the order. Luna cantered up with Selene on her back.

"Are you sure you're feeling all right?" Luna asked, "Maybe you should go back to your room and lie down."

The white alicorn rubbed her cheek against Luna, causing her to blush. "My fever's much lower than yours. Perhaps I've been working you too hard. Maybe you should take a day off and spend with your daughter. Mustn't over do it. I'm sure a few hours rest will do you a world of good."

Luna opened her mouth to protest, then saw her 'sister's' expression. She shut it and said, "I think I'll stay with you and keep an eye on you."

"You're such a worry wart," 'Celestia' replied.

The tone and posture were exactly the one the real Celestia would have used. Affectionate, but amused.

Luna sighed and considered her alternative and what she could do.
------------------------------

Celestia hung in the air like a broken puppet. Discord conjured a circle labeled 'Celestia Wash' and slowly threaded her through it. Tom arranged the soft quilts like a nest for an alicorn. Soft sheets and a warm blanket waited to complete the ensemble.

She finished passing through the circle, and it vanished behind her. Celestia swirled it around, then added the used mouthwash to the half-full bucket of sick she'd disgorged several minutes earlier.

"I hate you," she told Discord as she bonelessly settled onto the quilts and accepted Tom tucking her in without comment.

"Of course you hate me. I'm hurting you, quite intentionally," he said. But the almost sympathetic tone confused Celestia.

"Why?" she managed. "Why make me remember all that? Why torture me like this?"

"Because the scars you assume are gone to dust are still infected and need treatment. They need to be lanced and drawn out into the sun, or you'll become like that thing." His hatred of the 'Celestia' he'd confronted, and destroyed, was plain. "All she was were scars. A mass like a tumor. And like a tumor, damaging all the healthy tissue around her. You wondered why every time you try and do something nice for him, in the areas you control, it turns into a disaster? Because you haven't dealt with your own problems and his presence brings them up. Your ponies may not consciously sense your unease, but they are affected by it."

"And they react to it," Celestia realized. She buried her face in the blankets.

He laid a gentle paw on her head. "You wanted to understand him. To help him somehow. You did, and yourself. Here, with his entire emotional equilibrium out of whack, you can feel: anger, fear, sorrow, more deeply than a pony ever could. He, on the other hand, gets your long ingrained serenity. Lets him put things in some order without his own endocrine system tearing him to pieces. A rare and wonderful gift. Plus, I think your ponies in Canterlot need a bit of this 'Life-Affirming Chaos' he keeps preaching about. Might do them a world of good at being the object of ridicule that only one pony knows is ridicule."

Celestia raised her head. "You're right. I need to go set this right." She glared at him. "Nothing I do with him around spins the way it should."

"Unless you do it in his house," Discord replied, "Oh, did you ever find out what happened to Grey Goose? Your extremely close friend back in the Alicorn village, who went off to investigate the Three Tribes' War? I understand nopony ever saw him again. But I wasn't interested in history back then, at least no history that wasn't my own. With the tempers and accusations flaring and flying, I can just imagine what any of the tribes would have done with a being who seemed to embody all the traits of all three tribes. They weren't polite to spies, traitors, or other inconvenient ponies." He heard Celestia sniffle a bit, and he watched her curl up into a ball in the soft, warm space he and Tom had created.

"It's all right, let it out," he said barely above a whisper, "It's been upsetting you for a long, long time."
------------------------------

Luna mingled among the nobles. Their aside comments made it clear they were not happy about being 'summoned' by the Princess. I should tell them she's not well, that she's not herself, she thought as she tried to find Cadence, Shining Armor, Emerald Light, Feather Stockings or Eagle Bell in the mix to tell them discretely.

"Welcome my little ponies," faux-Celestia said, then coughed, "I apologize for the summons, I'm not feeling well and thought I should share this idea before I return to my chambers. None of you will have to decide anything. It was just such a wonderful idea, I just had to share."

Luna stopped. Well, outmaneuvered on that one. Mother's Mercy! I never got out of her/him, them, whatever, what the idea was! she thought and began heading for the dias.

"I have decided that a power-sharing arrangement is long overdue," faux-Celestia announced.

The mood of the nobles brightened immensely. Luna accelerated to a trot before the other shoe fell.

"All of you are so helpful, offering ideas about how Equestria should best be run. There is new information about forms of government. One is a parliament. In this case, each noble house will send one representative. They will be able to hear complaints from their individual constituencies, come up with plans of action to change the laws or write new ones to enact new ones. I will have the right to veto them, but a 3/4th's majority of the parliament could overrule that."

Luna was galloping up the steps as she heard the agreement and even glee of the nobles at finally wresting government out of the hands of the Diarchy. "Sister!" Luna gasped.

"And since the ideas would come from your representatives, your house names would be prominent on each and every new law. Especially the ones where you overruled my veto."

Luna and conversation came to a dead halt throughout the hall. The nobles were exchanging looks of absolute dread as the realization set in, that they might actually be held personally accountable for their decisions and actions.

Blueblood's mother, Blue Moon, piped up, "What if so many of us participated? Surely that would force it to simply say 'the parliament'."

There were relieved smiles and nods from the assembled nobles.

"The credit must extend to all the houses who had a part in the proposal. To that end, all the votes for passage of such an act will also be public. Everyone will get full credit exactly as they deserve." Faux-Celestia's benevolent grin was as radiant as the sun. It cast its rays down on a field choked with icy hearts gripped in mute terror. While faux-Celestia had not said the dreaded 'R-word' out loud, she had implied it with the force of a charging Ursa Major, responsibility. Ponies would know who proposed what, and who supported it. Ponies could choose not to do business with them based on their actions. No more would they be able to badger Celestia into some scheme and hide within her mane and tail to avoid the repercussions.

"Oh," Celestia said as she senses their mood, "I'd still be allowed to propose legislation, but you'd still have to vote on it." She smiled again at the terrorized throng.

It was all Luna could do not to burst out laughing as she stepped up to stand beside faux-Celestia and add her smile and 'blessing' to the endeavor. "A cake against a doughnut they pin this on you, the inside you," Luna whispered.

"No bet," faux-Celestia replied and kept her benevolent and achingly hopeful grin aimed at the nobles.

The nobles circled, crowded, caucused so frantically it looked like a Hoofball scrum. Finally, they shoved one, low-pecking-order noble out to convey their decision, and risk the Solar wrath.

"Highness, this wasn't perhaps the idea of the Ponyville Monster, was it?" the noble asked, glancing back at the higher-ranked with venom at being forced to gainsay her Highness.

Faux-Celestia put a hoof to chin to consider. "Well, I amended it, to better fit Equestrian society. The version he had put a 'House of Commons', that is, a set of representatives elected by everypony in a certain region. They and I would have sole power to propose legislation. All you, my loyal ponies could do is debate the merits and say 'yay' or 'nay'. I though that was atrociously harsh to cast you all aside after generations of loyal service." She stopped and considered. "He did seem to think that the entire idea of a parliament was inappropriate for Equestria. That's why I brought it up to all of you." Now faux-Celestia looked utterly crestfallen. "I had so hoped you would like it."

The spokespony, clever politician that he was, saw the escape hatch and dove through it with titanic force. "I think you should accede to his alien wisdom in this, your Highness. As our communication with him improves, I'm certain he can steer us onto the proper course to make your marvelous idea the toast of everypony and another triumph for the Diarchy. But this day is not that day. We need to cogitate, to adjust the idea and make it palatable to ponies everywhere. Once it is known, and the true and correct details are put before the populace, then we can bring them to the idea. Now, it would look like we forced it upon you, and it might even meet resistance."

"You can't believe that," faux-Celestia gasped, "Ponies might not accept it? Might blame the nobles and treat it as an insurrection?"

The nobles hadn't considered the last, and were positively terrified of the possibilities.

"We must guard against that," the spokespony managed, still looking like someone had shoved a red-hot poker somewhere sensitive and was twisting it. "Your Majesty."

"I thank you." Celestia nodded to the nobles. "I shouldn't keep you any longer."

The dash for the door was far too elegant to call a stampede, and many in the retreating throng were too elderly for more than a trot. But the room was emptying faster than if a dragon had arrived with a drum of pony seasoning for barbeque.

"I think I understand why Discord wants your children," Luna said as the last of the nobles escaped. "They won't ever bring that up again, and Celestia can trot it out any time their demands get too great."

"Welcome to politics, kiddo," faux-Celestia said, "If you've got clout and a plan, use'em."
------------------------------

I'm having serious second thoughts about this, Discord thought as he looked up as Celestia's grinning face. Her eyes were huge, but her pupils had shrunk to pinpoints. She had him pinned to the ground as she crooned to him in a way that changed his dearest dream, into his darkest nightmare.

"Foals," she said, as her wings stroked him in a clearly seductive manner. The intensity of the mad gaze undid whatever charm she might have had. "My little filly, you're a god, a god of chaos." She nuzzled him very tenderly, which heightened his fears for his very survival. "Opposing the natural order, it's what you do. It's such a little thing," she said, the rictus was her attempt at a charming grin. "And I'd be so grateful."

Discord shivered at that, and marshaled his courage. "Celestia," he said with the utmost care, "I can't restore the dead. That's the reason I never killed a pony before. I never wanted to do something I couldn't undo."

"But." She sounded like a confused school filly. "But you're a god, a god of chaos. Isn't it chaotic enough? Isn't it crazy enough? It would shock the entire pony population, stun all of Equestria. I can give you what you've always wanted in return."

I never thought the hurt the Big Guy felt over losing his first child would resonate like this with Celestia, Discord thought as he sought an answer that wouldn't result on in one or the other being torn to pieces.

"Even if I did that, you are different, the world is different. There's no guarantee the newborn would be the same." He decided to tell the truth. "You're reacting this way, because the Big Guy too lost his first child, a miscarriage during the late second trimester. Your despairs are feeding on each other."

Celestia batted him playfully, but the madness of her expression hadn't changed. "Discord, Discord," she said, "You can do so much more than you think you can. It's only one little filly. My foal. Isn't that worth what I'm offering?"

"All right, when you switch back, you and I can go to Tartarus -"

"MY FOAL IS NOT IN TARTARUS!" Celestia thundered and shook Discord violently. All the seductive playfulness was gone. The mad fury of a mother separated from her child remained.

"Then if she's not," Discord said, "Do you really want to tear her out of there to return her to your side?" The tone was gentle and faintly chiding. Discord waited, disgusted with himself as he watched that idea worm its way into Celestia's thoughts.

I may as well have stabbed her, she's reacting like I'm slipping a knife into heart a finger width at a time, he thought as Celestia stepped off him shivering and shuddering as if her pain and helplessness grew and could do nothing about it.

"No," Celestia said as she tumbled and fell, "No." Rather than rise, she struck her forehoof on the ground. "No. No. No!" She began beating her rear hooves and wings against the ground.

Discord leapt forward and caught her before her head slammed into the ground.

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Celestia screamed as she stomped and bashed the ground around her while Discord cushioned her head as she raised and lowered that too.

Not one of my better ideas, he thought ruefully.
------------------------------

Luna stared in horrified fascination as the faux-Celestia sat on the throne, and managed to dispense Celestia-like wisdom, with Celestia-like patience. And a very Celestia-like sense of humor, Luna thought as she watched yet another set of petitioners squawk and flutter at each other like a pair of chickens, while `Celestia` pulled the kernel of the argument from their biased testimony.

"It's very simple," faux-Celestia told to two feuding teams. "Mr. Pomegranate, you will decide where the border is for the land division."

One side looked utterly crestfallen at the triumphant look on the others' faces.

"And Mrs. Apricot, you will decide which of the two halves you want," faux-Celestia added. And who was grinning and who was frowning instantly reversed. "I'm so glad I could help," faux-Celestia said, the chamberlain took the hint and ushered the two factions out of the throne room.

Luna looked around and vaguely wondered, Where are all the nobles and their petty complaints that clog Celestia's time? Then it hit her. Oh, if they complain about those trivialities, she'll just bring up the parliament idea. She, er he's brilliant, I'm a little slow.

Faux-Celestia walking down the steps to the throne caught Luna's attention.

"Well, there seems only one way to solve that," faux-Celestia said and walked to an empty table. The interloper alicorn sat behind the table and put a forehoof on it. "We'll hoofwrestle, and the winner of 'Strongest Stallion in Dodge Junction', will be the one who takes the longest to lose."

The two stallions looked at each other in abject horror. The braver, or quicker thinking of the pair bowed. "We wouldn't want to trouble her majesty any more, we thought a spell or something would answer the question." They started backing away.

"Oh guards," Celestia said, "Bring them over here." She grinned.

The guards just rolled their eyes. They could tell when her Highness was in a mood, today was going to go down in the unwritten annals of history. Passed from sergeant to sergeant as wisdom and cautions in handling the Solar Diarch.

The two terrified stallions arrived at the table. The gamest put his hoof up. Sir Eagle Bell had a watch and put his hoof on the clenched hooves.

"Go."

Clunk.

"Point eight," the chief bureaucrat said, "Are you feeling all right highness? Perhaps a break for lunch."

"After," faux-Celestia said and raised her forehoof for the next 'Strongest Stallion in Dodge Junction'.

"Go."

Clunk.

"Point six," the chief bureaucrat said, "I think we have a winner. Congratulations on a splendid display of physical prowess. Although most of the guard manages to last at least a second."

The stunned pair looked aghast as they were allowed to leave. They passed two ponies arguing about a cat.

"I'm not going to suggest they cut the cat in half," Faux-Celestia muttered as she headed towards the throne.

"Court is in recess," the chamberlain announced and the guards cleared the hall, while the royal cooks brought in literally tables filled with fine victuals.

Luna froze as she realized the entire game could be up in a moment.

"All right everyone, there's too much for me. Go ahead and dig in," faux-Celestia said and waved the guards over.

Luna sighed.

"What's got you so worried?" faux-Celestia whispered to Luna.

"I realized you'd never seen the custom, and it's not one she'd brief you on," Luna whispered back.

"Oh, she does that, good for her," faux-Celestia collected a plate and levitated it to collect a few dainties. She would share, but she certainly wouldn't wait in line.

Luna felt like fainting that the close escape had been pure happenstance.

"Sister, you seem tired come eat something, then maybe get a nap," faux-Celestia said.

I'm going to kill him, Luna thought as she trotted over, As soon as he's back in his own body, I'm gonna kill him.

She trotted over and selected a plate, and followed Celestia's habit of avoiding the line.

"Oh, everyone, I thought it would come out before now, but I'm not really Celestia. I'm the Big Guy, the Ponyville Monster, we switched minds."

Luna nearly dropped her plate and stared at faux-Celestia.

Feather Stockings and Eagle Belle exchanged looks, and frowns. "Sergeant," Belle addressed Mile Stone who was shaking his head. "Would you accompany us."

The gruff, no-nonsense sergeant handed his half-full plate to a corporal and followed the other two. Feather Stocking had taken a small chafing dish full of drawn butter with him as the trio approached. "Your tiara, please," Feather Stockings said.

Luna watched as faux-Celestia handed over the symbol of her office and knelt before them.

Sir Eagle Belle stood tall and spoke in a clear voice, "Do you solemnly swear to uphold the traditions and customs of Equestria, of the Unicorns, the Pegasi and the Earth Ponies, to the best of your abilities, save where necessity would contraindicate? And in those cases will you strive to preserve and defend Equestria and our true spirit with all your heart, soul and mind?"

"I shall," faux-Celestia intoned and bowed low.

Feather Stocking poured a generous spoonful of butter at the base of faux-Celestia's horn. "Then with this, the most sanctified oil, in the room, accept now the blessings and strength of all the ponies who have gone before and take up the burden of the dreams and fates of all the ponies here and yet to come."

"I shall," faux-Celestia said and rose, only bowing again to accept the tiara and Mile Stone wiping the excess butter off her face and muzzle.

"You are now vested with the full rights and responsibilities, the duties and the privileges of the Diarchy Solar for Equestria, General of Her Armies, Admiral of Her Navies, Conservator of Her Roads, Bridges, Forests and Towns, Inspector General of Her Exchequer, Postmaster General, and Keeper of the Keys," Feather Stocking and Sir Eagle Belle told faux-Celestia contrapuntally.

"My first Royal order is back to lunch," faux-Celestia said.

"Always good to start with an order everyone will follow," Mile Stone said as he returned to the table.

"Every pony here is crazy," Luna said, "Didn't you hear what she said?"

"If it were true, why haven't you and Cadence thrown her in chains?" Eagle Belle said, then whispered, "She's been in these moods before, when she thought she didn't have the right to rule after some decision or disaster. I hope you don't think we memorized that for the Hearths Warming Eve pageant."

Luna just blinked and stared. Faux-Celestia just shrugged at her and collected her plate of goodies.
------------------------------

Outside, Celestia was wrapped in a blanket and then in Celly and Woona. Inside, it was a quilt, with Discord holding her gently. Celestia felt empty, as if all the rage and fury she'd ever felt in her life had flowed through and out of her.

How does he stay sane, feeling like that? Celestia wondered inwardly.

She spoke aloud, and thought the words to Discord, "I apologize, that couldn't have been easy."

"It's all right Big Guy," Celly said.

"It was the purpose of the thing," Discord replied, "I apologize for not thinking how much it would hurt."

"Celly, have you ever thought about your daughter?" Celestia asked and heard her counterpart gasp.

"No, not for a long time. It hurts too much," Celly said, "How do you know about that?"

"When Celestia was in my mind, poking around without caring how I felt about it. I went poking around hers and found a strongbox as it were. Once I'd opened it, she learned to quit poking around in my head without more caution and a good deal more respect."

"I can imagine. It's one of my worst memories. I never told the ponies. Luna never told them. We lost so many. And we never told them. Please, don't you tell them," Celly said.

"I lost my own daughter," Celestia said, remembering what Discord had said while the madness had a solid grip on her. "About two months away from the birth, so you can imagine all the preparations. Then . . . "

Celly hugged the human form that housed Celestia. "I'm sorry. I've been through it myself, and I'm sorry you went through it too. Saying 'you can have more' only shows the ignorance of those who say it. It always hurts, doesn't it?"

Why? she thought, directing the thought at Discord.

"You keep ignoring hurts like that, they'll eventually overwhelm you. Probably at the worst possible time. I did not expect the feedback to magnify it to such a degree. I thought you'd exchanged minds, you only took your cognitive functions and copied your memories. The instincts remained where they were. So he can fly and do magic, and you'll react to his deepest, most ground-in experiences," Discord said.

So I could fight like he can, Celestia said and mentally raised her head in the shared mind, That might be something worth trying. Before Discord could respond she was overwhelmed by vertigo.

"Just rest for a bit," Discord told her. "You don't have to protect your ponies from everything. You have guards and the Elements to help you."

Inwardly, Celestia growled at that.
------------------------------

Luna caught up with faux-Celestia after high tea. "Are you going to lower the sun?" she asked.

"I'm comfortable doing little things in a Zen trance, but that's too complicated to just let happen. Besides I want to check up on something," faux-Celestia said and flared her wings, "I should be able to get there and back in a few hours."

"I'll call for the Royal Chariot," Luna said eagerly.

"To heck with that, I don't have time for those slowpokes, and no escort either. I don't want to spent time lollygagging," faux-Celestia said.

"The Wonderbolts are the best, fastest fliers in Equestria," Luna replied.

"Their best, can be only third," the Big Guy inside her sister said, "Somebody had to start the legend about the sonic rainboom, and I bet it wasn't Discord or Nistag."

Luna sat back on her haunches. Then she scrambled to stand and confront the intruder. "She has her dignity to maintain. Racing around like a filly is not what I will permit."

"What you'll permit?" faux-Celestia said. The tone was like ice. "I have had just about enough from you ponies, and especially you nobles, who have been treating me as a toy for your amusement. I'm speaking," he said to cut off her reply, "You're no better than the rest of that pack of idiots I dealt with at the meeting. You just think you're better because you've cast a wider net, but you're still dismissive, condescending and outright brutal to anything outside your purview. You think I like the fact that your sister just walked into my home and swapped bodies with me? Even Discord would ask permission before pulling a stunt like that. But you and your sister have the justification of 'it's for the good of the ponies'. I have a good mind to fly to the sun and let you work out the consequences for a few centuries."

"Discord keeps wondering why I think I'm in Hell. It's simple, I'm surrounded by arrogant children who can't control themselves, and then think they have the right to control everybody else. You are no different than Blue Moon and her pack of grabby sycophants, what you want, what you require. What you did, you did to yourself. No one else, and Nightmare didn't add anything that wasn't already there to begin with. You have the foal you always wanted, and suddenly I see neither hide nor hair of you. Not even a 'thank you'. That's you at the core. How is that different from Blue Moon or Princess Buttercup, or any of the other thousand greedy, grabby, little creatures worming around Canterlot with smiles on their faces, their noses in the air and their hands out to the royal treasury? You got what you want, and Nightmare take the hindmost. If you think one little flight is going to damage your sister's precious little image, then it really wasn't much to have in the first place."

Luna felt her ears pressed back against her skull. Not from the volume, which was barely above a whisper, but from the venom in the tone. "I apologize," she said.

"Don't apologize," faux-Celestia said, not changing her tone, "Grow up. Your kingdom doesn't need children who think they're acting like adults. They need real adults. Look to Emerald Light, Eagle Belle, Cadence or Shining Armor, if you can't find it within yourself." With that, she leapt from the balcony, caught the air and soared.

Luna watched several pegasi guards try to intercept/escort the Solar Diarch, but she outran even the Wonderbolts, accelerating in a sweep climb until she had vanished from even Luna's sight.
------------------------------

`The Big Guy` sat at the fountain in Ponyville and watched the fillies and colts playing. Within, Celestia still felt exhausted and empty, the anguish hidden a thousand years had scoured away any emotion like a volcano would scour away a forest.

The laughter she understood, but unless they faced her and she could read their lips, the words were lost to her. But I still sense their joy, she thought as she watched, aware of Hotaru nee Nightmare as her guard dog, and more distant, Celly watched with a wistful expression similar to Celestia's own. She'd purchased a cup of tea from a shop and sat down to watch the children play. She'd eavesdropped on a few comments, reading the lips of those who thought she didn't understand.

I am disappointed, she thought quietly, not caring if Discord heard, Is this what Equestria has become? Not orderly, but regimented and xenophobic? Not welcoming, unless you are the right type? I can't believe that.

"He is a more polarizing figure than say a griffon or a minotaur," Discord offered, "Ponies don't know what to make of him, or the strong impulses he engenders. Bonbon has secret fantasies about him chasing her over the landscape. Fluttershy thinks he's a bear with papa wolf tendencies. Oh good, the delight of your shared existence," Discord said with a voice dripping with disdain, "I'm going to my room and play something very loud. Enjoy Twilight Spackle and her death of a thousand note cards."

Celestia turned her head and saw Twilight practically galloping over. Hotaru tensed, then looked at Celestia/the Big Guy and with an utterly malevolent smile, lay back down to watch.

Twilight stepped right in front, cutting off most of the view of the foals playing. Which is the main reason I'm out here, Celestia thought and politely gestured for her to move to the side.

To her distaste, Twilight looked over her shoulder at the fillies, moved barely a third of the distance to clear the field of view, and launched into a lecture about the rules of the game. Does she not understand I wanted to watch the ponies just playing? Celestia wondered in her head, That I don't care about the rules, I just wanted to watch the activity? She'd also picked out, much to her chagrin, that she was referenced and possibly the reason for Twilight's bad behavior at least three times in the explanation. Twilight, have I done this to you? That you are so desperate to lay all the answers at my hooves, that you'd ignore simple courtesy? Celestia lamented, then considered, What makes you think, even with your diagrams, that I'd understand?

It was the arrival of Rarity that saved the situation. She laughed nervously at who she thought was the Big Guy. She nearly shoved Twilight out of `the Big Guy's` line of sight to the foals playing. "Twilight dear," Celestia gleaned from reading Rarity's lips, "The poor boy came out here to just watch the foals playing, not really the best environment for a lecture." She spoke in a singsong fashion, to disguise her intent from someone she thought couldn't understand the words.

"But Rarity," Twilight replied.

"But Rarity nothing," Rarity continued in singsong, then patted Twilight's head, "I know that Celestia will send you back to magic kindergarten if you don't plumb all his secrets by lunch."

Twilight grimaced at that.

"But do you really think that alienating the source of those secrets is the best way to accomplish that?" Rarity asked in a more normal tone. "Pinkie Pie has taken more interest in those flight books than you or Rainbow Dash, and that was supposed to be her assignment. Or did you forget that translating was to be your job, not interrogating."

"But we already found out that the languages are extremely similar," Twilight said. Then grinned sheepishly at Celestia, thinking she was dissembling with the Big Guy.

"Twilight, don't you think that Princess Luna might have had a reason to give you the job she did," Rarity said, trying earnestly to penetrate through Twilight's combination of anxiety and need to prove herself. It was all Celestia could do not to hug both of them. To at once calm Twilight's fears, and to thank Rarity for her dogged determination to drag Twilight away from the precipice she kept charging.

Too bad neither Lulu nor I had such a friend, Celestia thought, then had the horrifying remembrance of someone who had warned them recently, repeatedly, And someone who enjoyed our suffering at ignoring his good advice, and kept giving it because we'd ignore it and trip over our own manes. She snorted her disgust at being pointedly outmaneuvered by her old antagonist.

"You didn't understand he had changed," Tom's cultured voice reminded her.

I should have seen through the trick, Celestia mentally replied, Or at least seriously considered the value of the advice despite the source.

She left Rarity and Twilight to discuss while she watched the children play.
------------------------------

The ticket seller noted that the normally brisk ticket sales had suddenly dropped off. "One please," came the voice and the ticket seller froze as she looked at the grinning face, "One of the boxes, if you don't mind."

The poor ticket taker could only stammer as she accepted the ticket to the Solar Diarch.

"Thank you," she said, giggled, and walked into the theater. Only then did the rest of the ponies in line get to their feet and start demanding tickets before the performance began.

The ticket seller was soon too inundated to warn the manager that she'd sent someone to the nobles' box, which given the paucity of nobles in Dodge Junction, was used as a store room.
------------------------------

The Big Guy used Celestia's magic to rearrange the boxes as an ersatz curtain, so he could see the stage, but no one could see 'Celestia'. I think I'll stop in and see Trixie after the performance.

The mare and her assistant he instantly recognized put on an act that simultaneously amazed, and had the audience in stitches.

She's doing well, moving away from 'anything you can do I can do better' to comedy. Although poor Blueblood will have a fit when I stop by, he smirked at that as the production progressed through several examples of Trixie's Great and Powerful magic, and Igor butchering trick, or overreacting to things, and the put-upon and aggravated Trixie had to set things right.

There was a musical interlude and some variety-show, local acts before Trixie returned with Igor for more magic. Then the comedy finale.

"Why isn't the cabinet full of water?" Trixie asked.

"Uh, I forget?" Igor said, "Oh, I do forget, I use the instant water."

"Instant water?" Trixie asked, "The stuff we picked up from Ponyville?"

"Ja," 'Igor said and dropped a crystal on the stage. "Lots of water. Instant."

"Let me guess, to turn it back into water, you just add water, right?" Trixie asked and lowered her head.

"You saying Igor was bamboozled?" 'Igor' asked, his forelegs over his heart.

"Let's find out," Trixie said and produced an eyedropper.

He watched as that one tiny drop of water descended to the crystal of instant water.

The geyser that shot straight to the ceiling had Trixie reeling back in shock. "Turn it off!" she shouted.

"I forget those instructions," Igor shouted over the noise of the geyser.

"Everypony for themselves!" Trixie shouted and ran off the stage. The audience burst out laughing as the curtain came down and the house lights came up.

The Big Guy waited until the crowd had thinned out considerably, before he used Celestia's horn magic to unblock the exit to the box. He'd heard someone trying to force the door several times during the performance, and had blocked the entrance specifically to prevent interruptions. Now he pulled the cap and old coat from his saddle bags, and grabbed a broom and began sweeping the floors, on a steady advance towards the backstage.

The stage manager had seen the trick before. "Come on, what do you take me for," the graying mare said as she approached with several, burley stage hands.

"My loyal subjects," he told them as Celestia's magic removed the cap and coat.

The group prostrated themselves, and he returned the cap and coat disguise, and continued heading towards the dressing rooms. Rather than take the stairs, he flew up to the walkway leading to the dressing rooms. A few of the performers only stared, trying to put the evidence together that Celestia was here, wearing a shabby coat and hat, but no regalia or guards.

"Impersonations," the Big Guy told them, and left them in confusion. He raised a forehoof and knocked on Trixie's door.

"Just a moment," Trixie called, but Igor opened the door and looked like he'd seen the end of the world.

"Thank you for your time," the Big Guy said as he entered, and back hoofed the door closed. He walked past Blueblood/Igor and nuzzled the stunned Trixie. "The Big Guy is recovering, and I assure you, he wants you to keep performing. But there is a gap in your schedule of two weeks in a few weeks. I would urge you to visit, if you can make it."

Trixie nodded as she stared.

The Big Guy leaned close. "Can you keep a secret?"

Trixie nodded as she stared.

"I think your assistant is secretly Blueblood in disguise," he said. As he looked at the stricken stallion, he turned back to Trixie. "Look, the insanity hasn't abated. I don't know how she did it, but Celestia and I switched places. I don't envy her if my emotions are still the way they were for me, but I'm her and she's me, so your secret is still safe. Just don't tell anyone, of course, who'd believe you if you did tell?"

"Nobody," Trixie said, and she hugged him. "I promise, I'll come in when we get our break."

"Okay," he said, "Let's raise your reputation. Is there a fancy restaurant in town?"

"There is a tavern that has pretty good food," 'Igor' said, "But the clientele is rather rough."

"Celestia Most Solar Sublime in a bar-clearing brawl. After everything she's done to me, she deserves it," the Big Guy said.

"Ah, you'll be in her body getting pummeled," Blueblood said.

"If you think I can't defend myself from ponies, when Celestia isn't there to fry me alive for doing it, you've got another think coming."
------------------------------

A lone pony trudged towards the lights of town. Staying away from the few pools of light that offered shelter along the road, the pony advanced. Head down, one hoof in front of the other. Step-by-step, the pony walked under the starlit sky, finally entering the town. The pony advanced slowly towards the mayor's office. The few lights still burning at this hour showed her careworn, and travel-stained, but she continued her advance.
------------------------------

"I'm the meanest, toughest critter in these parts!" the rough stallion announced to the patrons, "I eat rattlesnakes and crap diamonds. Ain't no varmint can take me! I am the fightin'est pony in these parts, no pony in this town, no pony in this territory can lick me!"

The piano player had stopped and everyone was staring at the braggart.

SLURP! The very wet tongue pushed the stallion's hat over his eyes.

"No varmint gets away with that!" he shouted as he wound up a haymaker and whirled to face, Celestia. The pathetic little squeaks made the stallion seem even younger.

Celestia stood, her face screwed up in deep thought. "Well, if Yosemite Sam here says I'm no pony, who am I to argue?" she asked and grinned.

The tough guy seemed to remember his raised forehoof, which he dropped to the floor. Then the rest of him, which followed. "Yeber soober meeseebeedee," he managed.

Celestia patted the fallen stallion and stepped over him on her way to the bar. The pair of unicorns following had as stunned an expression as the rest of the patrons. Except they could still move. They were soon flanking Celestia at the counter.

"They have lasagna!" Celestia gasped in delight, "Three of the extra large." She turned to her two companions. "What'll you have?"

Trixie rolled her eyes, and 'Igor' just closed his. "A large salad with rhubarb dressing," Trixie said.

"Oatmeal," Igor said then waved a hoof in front of the bartender. Then Igor grabbed the mare's neck tie. "Do you know who that is?" Igor asked.

"Uh, huh," the mare answered.

"Then why aren't you getting her lasagna?" Igor asked and released the tie before the bartender strangled herself running for the kitchen. The trio approached a booth filled with some of the roughest characters Trixie had ever seen.

"I'll fight you for the booth," Celestia whispered in a husky voice. "That is the proper etiquette here isn't it?" she asked in innocent tones, and gave the group at a pool table a puppy dog eyes look when nopony answered her question.

When she turned back, the booth was not only empty, it was sparkling clean.

"Such nice ponies here," Celestia said.

I wonder what the weather in Tartarus is like this time of year, Trixie wondered as she took her seat. Nearly every patron was frozen in place and staring with saucer-sized eyes. The exceptions were those blinking, rubbing their eyes, or cleaning their glasses, only to resume staring like the others.

The appearance of the hornless unicorn through the swinging doors brought all mirth to an end.

"Princess Buttercup?" Trixie gasped.

The hornless unicorn looked up and smiled. "It didn't work," she said, "They caught all of us." The noble pony then collapsed as she broke down sobbing.

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