• Published 20th Dec 2012
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Cultural Artifacts - Dan_s Comments



A little piece of Earth arrives in Equestria, a human and it's home. The citizens of Ponyville and Princess Luna struggle with this newcomer, as it struggles with them.

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13) The Fiddler's Fee

Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - The Fiddler's Fee

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Day 25

Derpy woke up first, she chuckled as she found herself wrapped around the Big Guy, with Lyra opposite, duplicating her all-encompassing grip. We'd better be careful or we might strangle him, she thought, then smelled something. In the dim light it was hard to make out, but she'd smelled them on Dinky too often not to recognize the scent of tears.

Derpy glanced around. Her Highness hadn't slipped back in during the night. I guess he really does care about her, Derpy thought, This isn't a hurt that'll be distracted by a muffin.

She considered the weird dream, and how happy he'd been. I should ask Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy if they had that dream too.

She looked around and found Sveti lying on the floor. She waved the griffon forward. There's plenty of room, in fact there's less room on the floor.

Sveti shook her head and rubbed a cheek on the carpet.

Okay, the beds aren't good, but the slight give of the carpet she likes. I understand, Derpy thought, and looked around, spotting the small horn peeking out from the covers. I need to ask Dinky what she finds so fascinating about keeping his feet warm. Maybe it's like Lyra and hands. Maybe it's something different.

Derpy settled back, careful not to wake him, or any of the others. She froze when his arms went around her and held her close. He wasn't making the happy sounds he often did. She snuggled close and held him, hoping somewhere she could feel that she and the others still loved him.


Discord could hardly believe it. He and Tom had been up the entire night discussing and unsuccessfully trying to find fault with their theory. It was so simple, it defied description. "Tell me I'm wrong," he pleaded with Tom.

"Sorry, it is what it is," the crystalline being said.

`"Okay, communication becomes our priority," Discord said quietly, "That means the amulet. And as you've pointed out, I've got to play it straight - er. He will keep me in fun, as long as I don't let him get too far a field."

"Good plan," Tom said without the faint condescension that usually accompanied such statements.

"It's so obvious, once you know what to look for," Discord said.

"What did you find?" Cadence asked as she trotted up behind him.

"When did you get here? How did you get here?" Discord asked.

"Tom, my lady Cadence," the crystal introduced himself, "Please to make the acquaintance of anyone who makes Discord so nervous."

Discord grimaced at his correlative.

"Aunt Luna was in a particularly bad mood tonight, and everyone was very formal around her. While Auntie Celestia seemed in high spirits. I thought that I'd ask someone who'd seen it from the inside. And please hurry, it's a strain to hold up over these distances."

"We discovered very simply that our host is intrinsically lazy," Tom explained, "And rather militantly so, except when something was important."

"Then he'll bend heaven and earth, bring all his formidable powers of computation and cunning to bear and directing them again whatever target there was," Discord said.

"Let me guess," Cadence said, "He hates that about himself."

Discord and Tom nodded quietly. "And hates even more when others invoke it," Discord added, "But especially when they invoke it for trivial reasons."

"It seems the Princesses never realized they invoke it by their mere presence," Tom said, "The ponies react to the Princesses as if the moon and the sun did rise on their whim."

"They do," Discord countered.

"You, I and a collection of unicorns can do it just as well," Tom pointed out, "But the ponies, and the princesses have nearly forgotten that. It's known, but it's ignored and treated as if it isn't true."

"And that was the problem," Cadence realized, "He's become the emergency that needs solving. The princesses' presence, near constant attention and intervention had reinforced that. It must be the reason he found Twilight so irritating, and found Applejack, Fluttershy and Derpy so comforting. After your little games with her, Twilight pulled the 'this is an emergency' switch when her once a week reports were going to be more than seven days apart, while the other three could let him coast being merely clever and pleasant without having to be brilliant and champion."

"Superbly succinct summation," Tom offered, getting an eye roll from Cadence and Discord.

"Those always come up snake-eyes?" Cadence asked as Discord retrieved his eyes.

"Yes. Now we've determined the real problem, how do we find the solution?" Discord asked.

"We could ask him," Tom offered.

"Just because you have a British accent doesn't make everything that comes out of your mouth brilliant."

"If you were British, you'd understand it's a lower East End accent, not known for brilliance around London," Tom replied.

"You could talk to him about it," Cadence offered as she faded away.

"Nice kid," Discord said, "Shame what happens to her."

"You got bootlegs of Season Two?" Tom asked.

"And Seasons Three and Four."

"How'd you get four, they haven't written it yet?!" Tom demanded.

"Hmm, that explains the Fluttershy-Cylon stare down contest in the Classic Galactica crossover," Discord said, "Good editing though."

"You were probably a fan of Galactica 1980," Tom accused.

"Yeeuk! And don't suggest that to him. He'll tie me down, strap my eyes open and run a marathon," Discord said disgustedly.

"Could be worse, he could run episodes of The Starlost," Tom said.

"That was a great show!" Discord said.

"You really are Canadian, aren't you?" Tom said.

"And what about you and your 'Lower East End' accent?" Discord accused.

"I'm from Georgia, I just don't speak the language very well," Tom said.

"Their Georgia or our Georgia?" Discord asked.


The ponies were not rising as early as he had, but his now-two guards could not be evaded. Trixie's arrival last night had been as sheepish as it had been late, and the griffon had been, if anything, more contrite. But out under the dark, predawn skies of Ponyville, they reasserted some of their authority. They questioned the heavy backpack and other accessories, including the carbine, but they let him proceed through the near dawn towards his goal. Although before proceeding, both of them had obtained supplies of their own for what promised to be an all day hike. As he and the mismatched pair headed toward the boundary between Equestria and the Everfree forest, he missed an extremely blue stallion slipping through the door after he'd left, but then so did most of the other ponies.

I don't know why none of them reacted to the ruins of a town in the middle of that forest, but I need to get out away from 'civilization' for a while, he thought. Discord was oddly silent, and had been since the trip to the ruined palace. Neither of them seem too eager to enter this place, he thought as he walked, Trixie I can almost understand. This is real wilderness, and outside their usual control, but Sveti is a natural predator, hunting in the wild is something she should have experience with.

The increasing light of the approaching dawn, as they approached the border between what ponies controlled, and what was as wild as Earth, seemed to keep their fears at a manageable level, since neither pony nor griffon tried the obvious trick of physically restraining him.

The trail to the palace was overgrown, but passable, and the map he had said it led closest to the ruins he was interested in. The path to Fluttershy's home, or the zebra's were more traveled, but would not lead him where he was going. And despite a compass, the maps here are too poor to allow real navigation, he thought, vaguely remembering the first time his land navigation skills had been really tested, Which is the other reason for all the ammo. A town ignored for even building material in the middle of nowhere worries me. The palace I can understand, a royal edict, until it was simply lost to time. Maybe the town was where the servants and staff lived. Need to find out.

Neither Trixie nor Sveti enjoyed the trek. They jumped at noises he categorized as harmless, and generally were. The larger predators could be avoided, and the smaller ones avoided them. Strange that Trixie has better woodcraft that the griffon. I guess the griffon really is a city-girl, he thought.


Celestia waited until she'd raised the sun and took care of a few morning governmental activities, before trekking back to Luna's bedroom. She openly frowned that her sister had not remained in Ponyville, and especially not in his home after the glares she'd been showering on him.

Celestia was not surprised to hear a little sniffle from the room before she entered unannounced. Sister, when are you going to learn? He isn't one of our ponies, he isn't Discord or Sombra, and he isn't going to change radically because we want him to. Only if he wants to. We have to let him want to.

"Hello, my sister," Celestia said cheerfully, knowing it would grate, "I missed you at breakfast, but I thought you'd be having breakfast elsewhere."

The miserable Lunar Diarch couldn't even muster a glare. She sniffled and then laid her head on her outstretched hooves.

"I would have thought you'd be pony-piling with him and the others. If you don't stake your claim strongly enough, he may see you as an interloper in his herd. Odd as his customs are, he may even drive you out," Celestia said teasingly, still keeping the cheerful tone. Her tone pried the lid off as quickly as she'd hoped.

"Oh sister!" Luna moaned, "I don't know what I did wrong!"

"What you did wrong, sister, was you chastened him in public, which is your right. Then you undoubtedly chastened him in private, and never forgave him. You made it clear he had hurt you, and gave him no way to make it up to you. While putting him on his back hoof might be fun. You should have allowed him to at least make a gesture of apology, and forgiven him. He'll punish you for that. Probably by giving you exactly what you claim to want."

"But my dignity," Luna said angrily, "And yours."

Celestia matched Luna's anger. "Your dignity kept you warm last night? Your dignity brightened your morning with a smile? Your dignity brushed out your fur, massaged out the kinks in your wings, and fed you breakfast in bed?"

Face with Celestia's irritation, Luna's anger cooled. "If you don't care about my dignity, what about your own?"

"The Ponyvillians are too frightened to worry about my dignity, or yours. And the noble ponies of Canterlot who would flutter about it? What do I care about the opinion of a pack of two-faced jackals who would praise me no matter what I did if they thought it would curry favor? When did the opinion of such malleable malcontents matter more than the possibility of a warm and loving person to share some time with? He didn't set out to make you a laughing stock. He set out to tear down the fear ordinary ponies have of you and your fully adult form. By making them laugh at it and around it. All the Ponyvillians would have remembered is the Pony-sisters played along with the crazy monster's shenanigans. It would have also eased their fears of him in their sight. They would not lose their respect for us, just their fear. Although they may now whisper that 'Luna has no sense of humor', they saw that very clearly. They and the nobles of Canterlot will give you all the dignity you wish, and I suspect he will as well. All laughter will cease at your approach. The fearful will stammer something vague about the night, while the smooth will gush endlessly about something they seethingly despise. Your night will receive endless praise, which the flatterers will mean precisely none of. And he'll respect you and guard your dignity, the way he respects a rattlesnake or a thunderstorm. As something to be feared, not befriended. He'll open doors for you. He'll smile and nod. And all you will have from him is your dignity. He won't even waste his hate on you. If he's anything like a stallion, he'd keep his heart out of your reach, and give it to some other mare. That he'll let you know."

"Wha, what do I do?" Luna asked in a small voice.

"Either let him go, or take some time then let him apologize. Then you will have to rebuild the trust you both have broken. He will likely do no flying with you for some time."

Celestia was mystified why that sent Luna into bawling tears.


The griffon backed away as if struck, as Glory glared at Mystery as she leaned on the broom. The building was coming along, but the bad news kept coming. "He came back, and slipped away in the night?" she asked the griffon.

"Early morning, and he took Sveti and Trixie with him," the griffon scholar said and backed up, until he encountered a wall that was not letting him go through. "Derpy also mentioned he took a large number of weapons. Although for the ponies around here, more than one would be a large number."

Glory sighed. "I'm not angry with you. It's just we are supposed to be keeping an eye on his, and he went off to Canterlot without us, now he's heading into the Everfree forest. With the head start he's got, we'll never catch him."

Hollyhock approached. "Why would he even go into that place? It doesn't sound like he's hunting for food. Maybe the critters would be a problem, but that's what Trixie and Sveti are there to deal with," the cook pointed out, "Did you hear about them seeing anything unusual when they flew out to the castle?"

"Nothing anyone mentioned. But what could have attracted his eye? Maybe he wanted to check out the castle," Mystery said and shrugged, "He can't exactly write elaborate notes to us."

Glory and Hollyhock exchanged glances and sighs, then returned to their chores.

Mystery took the opportunity to slip away. He had a few others he wanted to spread the 'good' news to.


The sounds of the wildlife had not deterred the group, although Sveti had twice stopped the group to sweep their trail for pursuers. There had been none. No one in Ponyville had followed, nor had any of the local wildlife.

It was midmorning when they entered the clearing that encompassed the town. Both Trixie and the griffon seemed incredulous that the town existed, and chattered happily amongst themselves.

"Disbelief," Discord said within his head, "Both that the town was here and you lead them unerringly. Neither has ever heard of this place."

Not unexpected, if the town was attached to the palace, and its ruins. Welcome back by the way. I was wondering if the purple songbird was too much, he thought back, but kept looking around. Wood buildings shouldn't still be here after a thousand years. Even stone buildings should be overgrown in a few years. This place looks like it was abandoned yesterday. He marched over towards what appeared to be a general store. The construction wasn't the Ponyville technique of wooden beams and plaster. It was closer to the American frontier method of milled lumber and shingle roofs.

So there's a sawmill somewhere, he thought, There have to have been forest fires just in the last decade, and these buildings should be tinder dry. The store had a bumper crop of cobwebs, but vermin hadn't eaten the flour bags. The pickle barrel was still sound, and full. He opened the till, and found that was empty.

"Okay they took the money," he said vaguely, more to hear the thought than to communicate it to the others, "But left all the goods, that makes no sense for a robbery, and an emergency evacuation would have cleared out some subset of the store, if only the preserved food," his voice echoed oddly in the place, and both his 'guards' jumped when he had started to speak. He pulled the camera from his pack, and took several photos. As a test, he attached the visible-light-blocking filter and took the photos in infrared, then ultraviolet. "Let's hear it for modified cameras," he said, and gestured the others near so they could look at the images on the small screen on the camera's back. The infrared didn't show anything special, but the ultraviolet showed a strange pattern on the wood work. "Weird, I originally bought the camera to see the UV patterns on flowers. Of course I bought it from a link I found on a ghost hunters' organization website." He looked at the pair, who seemed calmer now that he was talking. "You ponies are lucky. I was researching Argentine economic history, and typed in 'hyperinflation' one time. What has been seen cannot be unseen."

He gestured towards one of the houses, and the pair reluctantly followed. "Is anybody here?" he called as he looked around. Again making the pair jump, but both of them made their own calls after a moment's discussion. He repeated photographing the outside of the house in visible, UV, and IR. The outside showed none of the odd patterns in the UV, but the inside did.

"No clutter, no yards choked with weeds, it's like it happened in the past couple weeks and it didn't happen without a warning," he said, "And what's with the patterns in the wood?" He showed the small screen on the back of the camera to the pair, neither seemed to understand. He entered the house. It was neat and orderly, the dishes stacked and the bed made. He stopped and stepped out through the door, then back in again.

"I didn't have to stoop, like I do in most pony places." He gestured to the door and ceiling, and made a point of standing up straight. The pair understood.

This is a house made for humans. The store was pony-scaled with human ceilings, because it's easier for a human to accommodate pony-height counters than the other way around. But this building is for humans. He stepped outside and looked around. The other two rushed to follow. All the buildings designed for the public, the stores, town hall, and the school house all had human-height doors and floor-to-ceiling distances. A few pony-only buildings existed, but they were small. Private homes most likely, he thought, and took a few more photographs.

He headed back into the small home and into the small room that housed the bed and a chest of drawers. Three rooms: bedroom, kitchen/dining and small walk-in closet. Weird that, it doesn't have the facilities to be a bathroom.

"Ladies, I think we've wandered into The Twilight Zone, and not a lecture by the Princess' favorite student," he said, as he photographed the interior of the house. The strange pattern in the wood was everywhere. "At least I'm hoping for Rod Serling. His were generally learning experiences."


"Rarity, oh hello Derpy," Twilight said as she entered the Boutique, "Did either of you find out why our friend headed into the Everfree? I received a letter from Princess Luna."

"Probably to hide," Derpy mumbled, then looked around worriedly, "Princess Luna was pretty mad with him."

"Princess Luna was not the only one," Rarity said and nodded toward Twilight, "I think she would have come off her hanger and tried to strangle him." The two mares chuckled.

Twilight stared at them. "Would you care to explain that?" she asked sardonically.

"We both dreamed we were flying suits. Not like what the Wonderbolts wear, but suits to provide safe flight," Rarity said, and then hugged herself as did Derpy. Both mares giggled.

Twilight stared at them in disbelief. "You were flying clothes?" she asked, trying to understand, "That's just weird, and why would he wear such a thing? Wouldn't he think he, had skinned you and stole your magic?"

"Oh, Twilight, what a dark imagination," Rarity said, "We're talking about harmless fun, and you're acting like Nightmare sent those dreams herself. Nightmare is either gone or badly damaged."

"Considering how her Highness Princess Luna is disturbed, I'd almost expect the return of Nightmare," Twilight warned.

"Let her come, we'll take her together this time," Derpy said.

Twilight stared at the normally retiring mailmare. "What's gotten into you?"

"I'm willing to fight for my friends," Derpy said, "There's good ponies, there's bad ponies, and there are good ponies we disagree with, but that's no reason not to talk, or not to fight."

"Thank you Derpy," Rarity said, "I was beginning to think I was the only one who felt like that."

Twilight looked at her friends with some confusion.


The survey of four houses, three human-scaled and one pony-scaled, and extensive photography, had revealed the same condition. "They left willingly, and they weren't hurried," he told Trixie and Sveti as he entered the mayor's home. What he saw confirmed what had been a growing worry.

"Okay, we aren't on a scifi program, we're in a history program," he sighed as he approached the area on the wall that was different in color, less sun faded and less dirty. It was the size of a painting. "They took their treasures, and a few little comforts like food and bedding. I hope this was Roosevelt's U.S. 1942, with Manzanar in their future, not Hitler's Germany, Vichy France and Occupied Europe of 42-44, with Auschwitz, Bergen-Belsen and Buchenwald as their destination."

"But this doesn't make an ounce of sense. Celestia doesn't have the stomach for either plan, and I doubt either atrocity could be covered up effectively." He glanced over at Sveti.

The griffon was getting more and more nervous as she drew her own conclusions about her surroundings. Trixie stayed close to the point of staying in physical contact as often as possible. Like Sveti, she scanned the area, trying to look at everything around her.

As if she expected something to leap out to get her, he thought of the pair.

"Celestia seems to have an inordinate tolerance for the spies of other nations. Something like this could not be concealed."

The two natives had been getting more nervous about the place, and his placid acceptance of what he was finding. Even Discord seemed nervous about speaking to him.

He knelt to get to their eye level. "I'm not angry," he told them softly, "I'm confused. And I'm worried." Trixie turned to face him, and nuzzled him carefully as if he'd explode if pressed too hard. Once it was clear he wouldn't, Sveti approached and did the same. He scratched behind their ears as they all calmed down.

The data presented did not fall into any of the conclusions he could draw about Equestria, her peoples, and her rulers. Even Discord wouldn't countenance this kind of massacre, so what happened here? he wondered, Who did this, and why was I such a surprise? There had to be at least fifty humans living in this place. Living in the Equestrian ideal of peace and harmony better than I ever could. Someone should have known about this, the people here, and what happened. So, who did this? Why does it look recent? Did Celestia find this out too late and preserve it as a lesson? No, if she knew, she would never have let the flyover happen yesterday. Nor would Luna. So, another force? The dragons? Are they powerful enough? Someone like Nistag or Sombra? Did Nightmare do this, right on the doorstep of the Diarchs' castle, as a provocation against Celestia? Does this place predate the Discord-Alicorn war? And Discord discovered the atrocity and preserved it to rub it in the nose of the alicorns about the true nature of their charges?

Discord, care to comment? he asked.

"No, I never heard of this place, and I've been out of the loop for a millennium. Did any of the other villains have any memories of this place?" Discord asked. His delicate tone indicated his uncertainty about what they had found, and his reaction to it.

None of them remembered anything special about the place, he replied, So they never thought much of it, or they never knew.

"What's next?" Discord asked, "They want to know as well."

We continue looking, he replied, After lunch I think.


Glory and Forget Me Nots had walked to the edge of the Everfree. The two soldiers exchanged nervous glances.

"We should go after him," the small mare said, "I think that we get the weather team to do a flyover, and locate them. Then we fly him out of there."

"I wish it were that easy," Glory replied, "He isn't a prisoner. Just a 'person of interest'. So we're here as support staff, if needed."

"Dammit, Lieutenant, if he was our 'friend' we wouldn't be having this conversation. If Lyra, Derpy and Dinky didn't have things to do, they would have been on his tail. We don't have any other jobs. We aren't supposed to be invisible. We can make a spectacle of ourselves, if we need to."

Glory bowed her head. "I can't." She raised her head. "But I can't stop you from talking to the locals. After all, if they are worried about him, they might just get curious on their own."

"If you'll excuse me," she said and left.

Glory nodded and continued staring at the edge of the Everfree forest. "Good luck," she whispered as she continued staring into the forest. She shivered at the place that was a nightmare made solid. "Forgive me."


Trixie caught the odor of oatmeal, full of cinnamon and apples. He seemed almost immune to the horrible feeling that permeated the place. He had taught her how to retrieve the pictures on the camera. She was going through the photos he'd taken. "What are those patterns?" Trixie asked aloud, "They aren't letters, or any runes I recognize."

"I'm no expert, but I can't see a pattern in them either," Sveti said, "It could be there is no pattern. He doesn't recognize it." She lifted the mess tin full of oatmeal.

"How can you eat with all this going on?" Trixie asked.

"Being hungry when we do have to move won't help anypony," Sveti said, "Go get something to eat, and take a few minutes to relax. I would guess that the real problem won't be solved by us. I never even heard of this place, and there's no reason an old town would be here and not termite droppings. And some of the buildings are 'human' houses. Why hasn't Lyra or her coterie come out here and made the place a shrine?"

"Why are we even having lunch, instead of hightailing it back to Ponyville to tell the troops there what we found?" Trixie asked.

"Quit thinking like an amateur soldier, and start thinking like a professional performer. Why do you act like nothing's going on, when only a wet newborn would believe it?"

"To divert the attention of the audience," Trixie said and glanced around, "We're being watched? I can sniff out a bandit, anypony who ever traveled depending on her own hooves can. But there's nothing here."

"Right, no Timberwolves, no birds, no insects, no Parasprites, no hydras, Manticores, nothing. He's already figured it all out, which really frightens me that he could guess the whole thing after just a little look around. So we pull back to this very defensible position with good ability to observe any avenues of approach, and stone beneath us." Sveti scratched at the boulder they were perched on. "We rest, eat, and ponder the answer for the real question: this trap, do we spring it? Or leave it for somepony who hasn't figured out it's a trap? Because if this is a trap, there's something I bet he guessed real quick."

"What's that?" Trixie asked, and accepted a mess tin full of oatmeal and tried to swallow some, despite her lack of hunger and nervous stomach.

"All those stories of this or that monster 'that none have escaped from' yet the story got out," Sveti said, "No one has ever heard of this place. Which means it's been 100% effective. Pony magic from unicorns, pegasi or earth ponies didn't enable an escape. Griffons couldn't fly or fight their way out. It may even be too much for young dragons."

"So where does that leave us?" Trixie asked.

"One takes the message away, and he's taught you to use the camera, and one stays with him," Sveti said, "He's got a lot more faith in his weapons than he has in magic. That faith may be justified."

"If I was Sparkle, I might argue that. But I'm no combat mage," Trixie admitted,

"Getting the warning out is more important," Sveti said, "Just play up our heroic sacrifice, I'd like my family to have a medal or two to remember me by."

"Oh you'll have the most heroic last stand I can imagine," Trixie promised, "Shoulder to shoulder as you are overwhelmed by undead dragons, and fallen alicorns twisted by Discord's magic."

"Not bad," Sveti said, "As long as the dragons can fly. If I'm to die, I'll do it in the air."

"Death duel among the clouds," Trixie promised, "Consumed by lightning so you transfigured into your purest form."

"Oh, you have studied griffon religion," Sveti said.

"Of course I have. Griffons are much better tippers than ponies," Trixie admitted.


"You seem awfully quiet," Discord said.

Sveti was putting the last touches to the 15-foot pole he intended to use. Trixie was searching for glass bottles. His search for gasoline, lamp oil or high concentration alcohol was coming up empty. Just concentrating on what we need. I should have realized an ample supply of Molotov cocktails wouldn't be forthcoming. Still, you look and see what you can get, he thought and glance over at Trixie who was getting frustrated at the lack of anything small and throwable that would break on impact. There's not even enough rust on things to make good thermite, if they had the other ingredients. Whoever set this trap obviously didn't want incendiaries to be used. Makes me think more and more of a funnel cone spider afraid of its web getting torched.

"And you still intend to set it off?" Discord asked.

You suggest we wait for the Equestrian air force? he replied, The heaviest hitters in Equestria flew over this place yesterday, and only I saw it. Even if the Pony-Sisters knew where to bomb, they'd be firing blind. And I doubt they want to use even tiny atomics on a place as unstable as the Everfree. Let alone admitting she could have done it all the time. I think she doesn't want to admit that to herself.

"Would you?" Discord asked, "Even I don't want to wonder about doing things like that. And I'm the worst villain in Equestria!"

That can be taken two ways, both accurate, he replied, Better I do it and then deal with it.

"They'll help," Discord pointed out.

If this thing can prevent pegasi and griffons from escaping its clutches, it probably neutralizes Pony magic. That may work on them, but John Browning's and by Sergei Simonov's brainchildren aren't going to be affected. Although I'd rather have a flamethrower or another of Browning's children, the Ma Deuce, full of incendiary rounds.

"You really think that a gun will work where magic failed?" Discord asked.

Predators adapt to their environment, he replied, This one 'grew up' in a largely magical, rather than a technological world. Hence it's optimized against magic.

"Or it's just so fast and powerful that it can bypass all defenses," Discord pointed out.

And neither you, nor Celestia detected it? he replied, Battleships are marvelous pieces of war machinery, in their day, nothing could match them except another battleship. Problem is, with one out and about, the enemy concentrated everything they had on one. Being nearly-invincible means the other major powers start with their heaviest guns to deal with you. A pony-eating monster in this forest would have Celestia burn this place to the ground and replant. She reveres her first home, but she isn't going to let sentimentality stand in the way of protecting her ponies. You and I have seen that up close and personally.

"True, so you think it's designed against magic," Discord said, "Or are you just hoping it is?"

Both, he thought, It makes the most sense, and it's the only 'solution' that'll work. I could return to Ponyville, assemble what they laughingly call an army, and march them back here. And if I'm right, they'll get munched right alongside me. Or I let them go alone, and sit beside the defenders and fight the battle in the middle of Ponyville. Leading a lethal enemy back to a pack of civilians is not my modus operandi. This gives the best chance, and I can lead them away.

" 'Who Dares Wins' eh?" Discord chuckled.

More like: 'Any mission, any time, any place', he replied, This is useless, best to get to the meat of the problem while there' plenty of daylight to deal with it. He called Trixie away from her search and met with Sveti outside. He drew a picture of a trapdoor spider and gestured to indicate the town.

Sveti playfully pounced Trixie. He nodded. He drew a rather crude pegasus, unicorn and earth pony near the spider and struck a line through them. Trixie and Sveti nodded grimly. He then added more ponies at a distance and put little question marks over their heads.

Trixie made a confused noise and pointed to the marks. He touched his nose and pointed at Trixie. The mare rolled her eyes and mumbled something that made Sveti smile.

"She got it," Discord provided, "She doesn't like how she got it, but she got it."

She's going to like the next even less, he told Discord in his head. He took the camera off and put it around Trixie's neck. The mare started looking worried. He drew a picture of them heading away from the spider, while he remained. That set off a lot of angry squawking from both of them. He calmly pulled out a map and indicated they'd head straight back for Ponyville, and pointed at the camera for emphasis. That quieted Trixie, but Sveti became even more strident, her claw pointing at her figure on the paper and drawing a line back to him, indicating she'd stay with him. He shook his head, and pointed again to the camera. He set the map down and indicated the towns around the Everfree Forest: Ponyville, Dodge City and Appleloosa. And his target the Rambling Rock Ridge. He drew a quick and not very good picture of Celestia's and Luna's cutie marks, and indicated the ridge.

Sveti glared at him, but reluctantly nodded. Trixie looked near to tears. She hugged him, and Sveti joined in. After too short an interval, they backed off and dashed back into the forest the way they'd come only a few hours earlier.

He let them disappear from sight and hearing before he lifted the stick. "Now I know what I'm facing, I just need to find the trigger."

"Can I just say this is an extremely stupid plan?" Discord said.

It might even be suicidal, but I really want Applebloom or one of the others wandering in here, he replied, That might keep my skin intact, but what about Ponyville. Hell, what about Equestria?

"Celestia told you in the throne room you don't have to protect her ponies from everything," Discord pointed out.

That's why I sent those two along. I will save Equestria, and the full might of the Equestrian military and guardians will save me, he replied.

"Have you seen someone about this martyr-complex of yours?" Discord asked dryly.

No, it's just the burden I'll have to bear for being me, he replied, So if you were a hidden, pony-eating monster, how could I piss you off enough to chase just me?

Now Discord started laughing.


"Nothing," Rainbow Dash reported to Forget-me-Not in the restaurant, "I had a few of the weather team with me. We spotted Fluttershy's and Zecora's houses, the Pony-sisters' castle, but not them."

The small soldier sighed. "Thanks, I wish I could tell you more."

"No, you don't understand. We would have seen them. If they were there and not hiding from us, we would have seen them," Rainbow insisted, "That means something drove them into a cave or tree hollow to hide. Something not afraid of the Big Guy's weapons, yet too small for us to see from the air."

"Giant mechanical spiders!" Spike exclaimed as he entered.

"Spike, if they were giant, Rainbow Dash would have seen them," Twilight added as she entered.

"I mean giant for spiders," Spike said sulkily.

Twilight sighed. "They're probably just exploring the Pony-sisters' castle. We all know how curious he is."

"Griffon approaching, and Trixie's with her," Thunderlane reported, "Sorry Dash, we went over the whole castle. Nothing."

"I think this is bigger than the Ponyville Weather Team," Dash said.

"You could not be more right," Trixie said as she clambered off the panting Svetlana. A couple of pegasi saw to the exhausted griffon. Trixie set the camera on the table and pulled up the images. "There's a whole town out there."

"We would have seen a town," Dash insisted.

"We didn't see it when we flew over it yesterday. That's probably why he headed out. None of us saw it, but he did. He thought it was some kind of magic trapdoor spider or something."

"Told you it was a spider," Spike added.

"Do you recognize any of these?" Trixie asked as she manipulated the buttons.

"Does everything he own have a viewing plate?" Twilight grumbled. "What kind of pictures are those?" she asked.

"He changed the filters. The purplish ones are the only ones that those writings or whatever show up in," Trixie explained.

"I'd have to study them," Twilight admitted.

"Study later," Sveti gasped as she entered, "He's going to draw it/them off towards Rambling Rock Ridge, so none of the towns will be affected. He'll probably need a fair amount of back up there, once he's drawn it/them out of the forest and into the open."

"What is this it/them?" Spike asked.

"He didn't let us stay to see," Trixie admitted.


"It was Oradour-sur-Glane," he said as he stood outside the site. A short wall of stones, probably originally the building's foundation, dammed in the layer of ash and charcoal that was the remains of the building, and apparently of the inhabitants.

"Celestia would never have allowed this," Discord said, "I wouldn't have done this. Maybe Nightmare Moon, but Celestia wouldn't have kept this as a relic."

"I don't think Celestia even knows about this. And as sick as this sounds, I think this came from me."

"We haven't practiced with the Alicorn Amulet, and you don't have any magic for it to magnify, so how could you be part of this?" Discord asked.

"This takes part of the person who walks into its influence and adjusts itself to them," he explained, "A pony might see something different."

"Like one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders seeing people getting murdered for their Cutie Marks?" Discord asked, "What kind of twisted monster is this?"

"One we're going to drag out into the open, and see ended." He opened the large belt pouch and extracted the clips for the SKS, topping them up from the usual nine rounds, to ten each, he dumped some sixty loose rounds in the pouch. Then he topped off the eight for the .45, including the one in the pistol.

"Is there a reason to keep them partially loaded?" Discord asked.

Reduces the load on the spring, he thought, It probably makes no difference, but don't overstress the hardware if you don't have to.

"Now you have to," Discord said, "Have I told you what a bad plan this is and how you should just wait for Celestia and Luna to come here and glass the place over with sunbeams?"

If they can find it, and if they can affect it, he replied as he picked up the stick.

"Ah, two-hundred twenty rounds for the carbine, and one-forty-eight for the pistol might not be enough," Discord said carefully.

"It's what we got," he said, "But you have a point." He extended the bayonet on the SKS. "Better?" he said as he extended the stick towards a likely spot.

"Loads," Discord replied with enough sarcasm to cover the place to a depth of twenty feet.

He carefully dug through the ashes. When he pulled up the stick, there was a pony skull on the end of it. "I hate it when I'm right." He saw a glint of gold and probed in there, pulling a watch and chain from the ashes, and exposing a human skull.

An arm exploded out of the ashes and grabbed the stick. Rather than wrestle with it, he abandoned the tool and headed toward his exit. Creatures, both pony and human, skeletons and decaying corpses, began digging themselves out of the ash pit. He took the time to fire a single round from his pistol through the head of one of them. The skull shattered and the corpse collapsed into disconnected bones.

"Somebody knows how much I hate George Romero movies," he commented as he headed out of the village.


Celestia's chariot could be seen in the distance. Luna's was close behind it. The Wonderbolts were racing far ahead. Rainbow's expression of hero worship changed as she recognized two figures among the Wonderbolts. Twilight took up the mantle of enthused fan-girl as Celestia and Luna landed among the bodyguard of Wonderbolts.

"We received your letter, what is happening now," Celestia asked.

"Ah, we should listen," Fluttershy offered.

Celestia signaled for quiet. The Bearers and the Wonderbolts fell silent. Over the occasional sound from Ponyville, came the sharp noise none of them had heard more than twice. But it repeated. Often.

"That's what his weapon sounds like," Dinky offered, "We've been hearing it for a while."

"Why is it getting further away?" Luna asked, "What would have possessed him to move away from Ponyville?"

"That no one ever escaped that thing," Sveti offered, "So he's drawing it off to open ground away from the town."

"That's where we'll make our attack," Celestia said, "The chariots bear the Elements of Harmony. We will deploy them on the foothills of Rambling Rock Ridge. There it will face the full might of Equestria."

Twilight stared in awe at her mentor, no longer the endlessly-patient and tolerant. Something threatened her ponies, and she wanted it stopped.


"Forward Joe Soap's army, marching without fear, with our old commander, safely in the rear," he sang half-heartedly as he retreated. Aim and shoot, aim and shoot. A few steps back, then aim and shoot.

How many of these damned things are there? he wondered.

"He boasts and skites from morn till night, and thinks he's very brave, but the men who really did the job are dead and in their grave."

He pulled another clip from the pouch, and put the ten rounds into the carbine. There were none around him, so he jogged to a more open location, and began reloading the empty clips. He opened the last boxes of the carbine ammunition and dumped them into the pouch so he could reload on the move.

"Forward Joe Soap's army, marching without fear, with our old commander, safely in the rear. Amen."

He filled the clips he could and searched his pack for another box, or any rounds that had spilled into the pack. "What a time to discover I've been so good at inventory control."

He emptied the second and last box of .45 ammo and began retreating again as the creatures began creeping out of the forest.

"It seems you've taught them some caution," Discord commented, "As well as picking up the pieces of their fallen comrades." What had been the remains of ponies now looked more like spiders as extra limbs had been attached.

They are trying to disgust or disorient me, he replied, as he headed into denser woods, he switched to the pistol. He couldn't make out targets as far away, and he wanted to preserve the carbine's ammunition.

He fired at one of the modified human corpses, and had to fire again. They've learned I know about the head shots, he commented on the 'dying' corpse. Clever really, using the limbs of the fallen as spaced armor around their heads. Cuts them down to using viewslits between the bones, but makes me waste ammunition. Good tactic. That, and it's really gross.

"When this lousy war is over, no more soldiering for me, when I get my civvy clothes on, oh, how happy I shall be!" he sang to let them know where he was, and to encourage them to come after him.

"No more church parades on Sunday, no more putting in for leave, I shall kiss the sergeant-major, how I'll miss him, how he'll grieve! Amen."

The slide locked back, and another mag went in where the empty came out. He was firing again. Sometimes as little as ten feet. If these things developed tactics like encirclement, we could be in trouble, he told Discord, Well, I would be, you'd be back in Canterlot Gardens.

"If you really think this is Hell, and this latest discover shakes my assumption it's not," Discord replied, "Why are you fighting these things so hard?"

"The ponies are children, they've no need to see this, to know what this is like." He fired, and fired, and fired. Sometimes thirty feet from a fixed stance, sometimes ten on the move. But he kept moving, kept firing, mindful of when they'd 'wake up' and try to get a force behind or worse above him.

What time do you think it is? he asked, I haven't really had a chance to track the sun.

"Late afternoon. You've got a while to reach the edge of the forest, and even longer to reach the ridge," Discord told him.

As long as I'm still alive when I get there, he replied.

"I want to go home, I want to go home, I don't want to go in the trenches no more, where whizzbangs and shrapnel they whistle and roar," he sang, feeling more tired than he remembered being in years, "Take me over the sea, where the alleyman can't get at me; oh my, I don't want to die, I want to go home." But still he moved and fired, drawing them away from any of the pony towns and villages.


Rainbow Dash was furious, only Derpy's rage matched her own. "I've flown over that stupid forest, guided by the sound of his weapons," Dash reported through clenched teeth.

Derpy was furiously stomping her hoofs so fast she looked like she was dancing. She was too frustrated to even string a sentence together.

"And I saw nothing!" Rainbow reported to their Highnesses. "What kind of sick joke is this? I'm half expecting him to shoot one of us in the belly to 'get the attention' of the pegasi who keep flying over him without stooping to help."

"He wouldn't waste scarce ammunition that way," Luna said as she studied the map.

Rainbow's jaw dropped at Luna's callous tone. Celestia closed it, and made a placating gesture.

"She's trying to put herself in his mindset," Celestia said quietly, "To think like he is. There are, side-effects to thinking like that."

Rainbow shivered that anyone could think like that. "But we have to help," she replied quietly.

"Reminding him that we are here, and we are ready is good," Celestia said, "Derpy Hooves, is our trap ready?"

The wall-eyed pegasus took a deep, calming breath before answering. "It is, but I agree with Rainbow Dash, we should race in there and rescue him."

Celestia nodded sadly. "He specifically would not want that. Whatever he's facing, us trying to fight it in the confines of a forest would be a disaster. We must hope he can break into open ground. Then we can help him."

"It's not fair," Derpy complained.

"No," Celestia said and nuzzled her, "It isn't. Important things rarely are. But sometimes they aren't fair on our side. It was not fair this creature caught him, instead of some foalish pony wandering in."

"I still want him back," Derpy said quietly, "Safe and sound."

"He wouldn't be doing what he was doing, if he didn't feel the same about you," Celestia told her.


He broke through the treeline and jogged across the open plain. It was as dark in the open as it had been in the forest. He glanced up, and saw the clouds, the green sky. I might have been better off in the forest, he thought, remembering the severe thunderstorm had green skies.

The creatures seemed unwilling to pursue him out into the open. He stopped a short distance out from the treeline, knelt to insure accuracy and lined up on one of them. Aim, fire. Aim, fire. He stood and trotted further. He'd gone past exhaustion, acting as he'd once been painstakingly taught, acting on instincts he hoped never to draw on again. He was over two hundred yards out when he stopped on a small rise.

"The bells of hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling, for you but not for me, and the little devils how they sing-a-ling-a-ling, for you but not for me," he taunted them, sitting, an easy target, "Oh death, where is thy sting-a-ling-a-ling, oh grave, thy victory?"

Still they waited. He'd never seen them act with apprehension. Clumsy stupid, yes, apprehension, no, he thought as he watched them mill around at the edge of the forest. The skies above rumbled and grumbled, and seemed almost pregnant with lightning. I need you out here, he thought as the last clip went into the carbine.

"The bells of hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling, for you but not for me."

Still they didn't move.

All right. It's bait that is needed. Fresh meat that has toyed and played with them, he thought as he slowly walked back towards the edge of the forest. Watching as each step seemed to firm their resolve. But they waited now, not in fear, but anticipation.
" 'I know that I shall meet my fate somewhere among the clouds above;'"

He took another single step. He had their attention.
" 'Those that I fight I do not hate, those that I guard I do not love;'"

Another step, and some prepared to spring, but others waited, to time the rush all at once.
" 'My country is Kiltartan Cross, my countrymen Kiltartan's poor,'"
" 'No likely end could bring them loss or leave them happier than before.'"

Another step, this one to the right, and they seemed a moment from gathering themselves for a last mad rush.
" 'Nor law, nor duty bade me fight, nor public men, nor cheering crowds,'"

A step back to the center, and to the left. They watched. Just out of their reach, and the morsel had them hypnotized.
" 'A lonely impulse of delight drove to this tumult in the clouds;'"

Back to the center, and all eyes followed. I have them, he realized and felt the very clouds above him tense.
" 'I balanced all, brought all to mind,"

One step back, and the bravest or most foolish took a step out of the scattered trees.
" 'The years to come seemed waste of breath, a waste of breath the years behind."

He stopped and gave a theatrical bow.
" 'In balance with this life, this death.'"

He ran for the rock he'd rested on before, and the crowd boiled out of the forest after him.

He acted as his training had required. Large, steadily-moving targets at 200 yards were not as difficult as they'd been a first, before the training. He'd been out of practice, but during the walk/run he'd relearned all the old lessons. Exhaustion, impending weather, even his fate once his weapons ran dry didn't affect him. Aim, fire, run. Aim, fire, run. They were charging now, dozens. The carbine was empty, and he carried nothing more for it. The pistol came out. He still had two mags, plus the one in place.

'In balance with this life, this death.' He reached the rock and turned to face his pursuers with only his pistol. But it's only good at short range, he reminded himself as he knelt and the mismatched things came at him. Closing in with their shambling running on two legs, four legs, six, eight, more. He waited. Instinct told him which to take first, then the next. This time it'll come down to hand-to-hand. Are they poisonous, contagious, and just how strong? he wondered idly as he sighted the first and fastest as it managed a trot towards him. Patience. Don't get buck-fever, he reminded himself, letting it come to him.

The lightning lancing down through the mob surprised him more that the unseen ponies had done this, than that the trap had been sprung. The more massive bolts raining down at the approximate location of the town/trap surprised him more. The things didn't screech or scream as bolts blew them to pieces, set them afire, or vaporized them completely. He waited, updating which he would target as a few raced through the maelstrom of lightning. Others simply circled, for another bolt to hit them. The tremendous boom of the massive bolts attacking their core reached and shook him, but he concentrated. Aim and fire, aim and fire. Only a few were still up and around. Only a few had passed through unscathed. He took those down as the lightning sought out the merely damaged and tore them to pieces or burned them away. The slide locked back and he reloaded by reflex more than conscious thought.

Only a few left, he thought, I might make it. But it was a race. Fourteen rounds against six targets, some needed more than one shot. Thirteen against five, eleven against four, then the slide locked back partway. He pulled the slide back and spent case fell away.

"Stove pipe," he said numbly as he aimed and fired at the closest. The powder burns setting it alight. Then the third.

He looked around for the other two as he changed magazines. All he could see were small fires. Nothing moved on the field, although a lightning bolt would earth itself occasionally, illuminating the area, denying the things any pace to hide. They were gone. In the distance, the massive storm still hurled thunderbolts into the source, as if Zeus and Thor were contending with Indra and Thunderbird for the sole title of thunder god.

He didn't let it distract him. The damn things might have learned something at the last minute, he thought tiredly as he continued to scan, looking for movement, looking for the ambush he been expecting since the run began.

The blue-gray pegasus with the apple-green mane and tail landed a short distance away. He looked at her as she bowed her head and approached carefully, watching him the entire time. He pointed the pistol away from her and scanned the area around them. Derpy sat next to him. She touched him with a wing, and leaned against him.

They watched as lightning hunted down any fragments and burned them away. Then the heavy rains extinguished the grass fires. He folded the bayonet and slung the carbine, then cleared the pistol and returned it to the backpack. All the while, Derpy watched him closely. He slung the backpack on his stomach. Finally he stood. "Okay, let's go."

The pegasus grinned and flew behind him, hugging him tightly with her all her legs as her wings carried him into the air.


Celestia soared easily over the Everfree forest. She saw the thing in flames as she paused to hover over the ruins of the town that writhed as randomly as the thing that had generated it. The storm above still hurled lightning bolts into the heart of the thing.

"I told you it was a mechanical spider," came from the more sedate cloud that bore the Elements of Harmony.

Celestia grinned at that. And sighed that the Elements had no more effect on whatever this was than her and Luna's more gentle magics. At least we didn't call out the power he suggested, Celestia thought as Luna's powers still directed and channeled the storm's fury.

"What was it?" Applejack asked the one question no one present could answer.

"I have no idea," Celestia admitted as her path took her close to the cloud. "I don't know how long it has been here, or what triggered it after so long."

The others regarded her with a bit of fear. The lightning and the battle had given her a ferality she normally suppressed. The plasma nimbus that played over her and Luna's manes and tails gave them an even more fearsome aspect. She hovered over their cloud, spreading her wings to their furthest extent. "Boo!" she shouted.

Poor Twilight looks like she's a step away from a complete heart attack. Although Rarity and Pinky Pie seem to take it in stride, she thought.

"I rather like this look." She glanced over herself. "I must have it during the next budget meeting," Celestia said, "It would certainly speed up the proceedings."

"I think that's beyond my abilities, your Highness," Rarity said apologetically.

"Ooo! Ooo! I know how, we just rub her with a giant cat right before the meeting!" Pinkie offered. "Twilight can do to Opal what she did to Spike."

"What would prevent Opal from just eating everypony in Canterlot?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Pinkie considered. "Hmm, we could spray them all with lemon first," Pinkie told them.

"I think we'll go back to 'I can't do it'," Rarity said.

"But what was that thing?" Twilight asked as the rains came, extinguishing the many fires that burned among the ruins.

"A mechanical trapdoor spider," Spike provided.

Twilight sighed and grinned ruefully at him.

Oh! What a Lovely War from the radio play originated by Charles Chilton, and converted to the stage by Gerry Raffles in partnership with Joan Littlewood.
An Irish Airman Foresees His Death a poem by William Butler Yeats

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