Die Diamanten-Hunde on Third Base
You heard me, a Diamond Dog. Oswald lured a freaking Diamond Dog to our camp, thinking it was a meal for the two of us.
Both Soundspeed and I could only stare in shock at the dog, while it itself shifted its menacing glare between the two of us. It seemed unsure if it wanted to either attack us or just wait for us to run away.
Using this momentary pause to my advantage, I relaxed my stance ever so slightly and turned my head to my moronic feathered companion. "Hey, Oswald," I began with more than a little condescension in my voice, "may I ask why you brought a Diamond Dog into our camp? Surely you can't think it's prey."
The phoenix cocked his head and shifted his gaze to the Diamond Dog, which had, by this point, taken a menacing step in my direction; presumably, he saw me as the weaker of the two. I shifted my gaze to Soundspeed, who was glancing at the saddlebag on the ground next to him, where he likely had some sort of weapon that could thwart the dog from attacking if the pony managed to get it out in time.
That was unlikely and we both knew it.
I looked back to the dog and shifted to a more aggressive stance. "Okay, here's the deal: the three of us go our separate ways, and this situation doesn't get more volatile than it already is. Neither of us wants a fight, I’m sure."
The dog's face split into a wide, feral grin, and he let out an unsettling cackle. "Oh, but we do want a fight, Strange Thing," he said in a voice that reminded me of gravel being crushed. "You brought the Mad Pony into our grounds. Me and my clan don’t like that."
I scoffed. "So what? We were just passing through. There's no real issue unless you make one out of it."
Soundspeed glanced over at me for a half second, before shifting ever-so-slightly towards his saddlebag. We had a little unspoken plan between us now: I couldn’t outright intimidate the Diamond Dog, but I could buy the pony time until he got whatever it was he needed out of his luggage. It seemed we weren't getting out of there until he did.
Cracking my neck, I tightened my grip on Reginald. "Why would you even want a fight, huh? What would come of it?"
The dog growled and moved his paw into the pocket of a jacket he was wearing. "If we fight, then we get rid of both you and the Mad Pony. Our glorious leader has offered twice the normal amount of gems if we bring him proof of his death."
Soundspeed snorted. "That little runt should come out and face me like a stallion, or whatever it is you tick infested furballs call a manly male." He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, you wouldn't have any reason to have a word for that, would you?"
The dog snarled at Soundspeed and pulled his paw out of his jacket, and I saw that wrapped in his grip was what appeared to be a small whistle. He brought it to his mouth and blew into it before either of us could react, and almost instantly the ground beneath us began to shake. More dogs tunneling underneath us to get to us, for sure.
Both Soundspeed and Oswald took to the air, leaving me stranded to deal with the dog that had literally blown the whistle on us. I charged at him, catching him off guard, and got him with an overhead blow that sent him to the ground with a howl of pain. He’d been way too busy smiling smugly at my flying companions to notice I was about to introduce Reginald to his skull.
I looked up at Oswald and Soundspeed, the latter of which was frantically rifling through his saddlebag. I was about to call out for him to hurry up when I felt a powerful pair of hands wrap around my chest, and with a yelp, I was thrown backwards, landing with a thud on the ground. I looked up to see a trio of Diamond Dogs standing over me, while a fourth crawled out of a freshly made hole in the ground.
Before I could react, two of the dogs grabbed me by the arms and began dragging me towards the hole. I came to my senses in time to struggle against them, but the third grabbed my legs. The fourth snatched Reginald out of my grasp and swung away.
What happened starts with a ‘K’ and ends with an ‘O’, and it’s a two-letter word. You have one guess.
~~~
I absentmindedly rub the back of my head at the spot where the dog hit me. "It kind of hurt, to be honest."
"Kind of?” Rarity snorts somewhat derisively. It doesn’t hide her concern very well. “Darling, I hardly imagine the splitting headache you must have had when you woke up. Even I didn't go through that when they kidnapped me."
I shrug. "Well, about that, Soundspeed did say the Diamond Dogs on the outskirts were nastier than the wussies that took you," I explain. "But maybe they would have done it to you if you had struggled more."
Her worried expression turned to one of mild anger. "I wouldn't want to be them if they did try something like that to me," she growls. "I can do far more than just whine and complain."
Oswald snorts, causing Rarity to shoot him her best glare, and he hides his face behind one of his wings. I shake my head with a smirk. "I’m sure, Rarity, I’m sure. Well, anyway, I really doubt whining and complaining would have helped me very much. If they were willing to go less-lethal just for a little struggling… I’d be really afraid of pissing them off.” My smirk widens by a few more teeth. “Of course, that would only stand if I hadn’t witnessed what happened some time later.”
~~~
For the second time that day, I was woken up by a splash of cold water to the face. I sputtered and sat up, which made my head feel like it was being split open by a jackhammer. I lay back down with a groan, which earned me a kick in the gut.
"Get up, Strange Thing!" commanded the voice of a dog. "Our leader has demanded your presence."
"Tell him to stick Reginald where the sun don’t shine," I groaned.
The dog snarled and used his foot to roll me on my back, letting me see that I was surrounded by the same quartet that had kidnapped me in the first place, one of whom was holding Reginald in his dirty paws. Said dog smirked at me. "Oh, you mean your precious little stick?" he snickered, raising it high in the air, and brought it down on his knee in an attempt to snap it in half.
We all heard a crack all right, but it wasn't Reginald. In fact, the staff didn’t have a single scratch on it.
The sound actually came from the leg of the dog, who was now writhing and screaming on the floor while clutching his knee. The other three looked on at him uneasily. "That wasn't supposed to happen," one of them mumbled to his fellows. The other two nodded solemnly, and the dog who just talked sighed. "One of us should take him to the infirmary."
"Yeah," the other two said in unison.
However, all three dogs all continued to stare at their injured comrade, who whimpered profusely, almost in tears. The one who had spoken up originally frowned at his two companions. "Well don't everydog move at once now!" he snapped sarcastically.
"Okay," the other two agreed.
Another pause fell over the group, and the first dog growled angrily. He walked up to the injured dog and grabbed his arms. "Get the Strange Thing to our leader," he ordered as he lifted his comrade, "then come help me with this moron."
The two others nodded and turned back to me, one kicking me to get me to stand up while the other grabbed Reginald off of the ground. Slowly, I got to my feet and allowed myself to be led to whoever this leader was. If I didn't have the opportunity to escape then, I figured I might as well play along until the opportunity did arise. You know, make things easier for myself.
Having said that, if their leader wanted me dead, then I'd fight even if there was no opportunity.
The forced march to the leader's room only took a few minutes or so, and soon enough we found ourselves in front of two armored dogs, each of whom grabbed one of my arms and dragged me inside. I was dumped pretty unceremoniously on the ground in front of the paws of a truly massive Diamond Dog, who scrutinized me with a hardened glare.
He looked pretty intimidating, I’ll give him that, and that’s saying something when compared to his minions. Still that was no reason for me to not give him a hard time if I could. I looked him dead in the eye. "So, you're the shot caller."
The dog opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by a very high pitched voice. "What?! Of course he's not! Don't you be widiculous!"
A confused look spread across my face as I looked around the room to see who had spoken, but I found no one. I looked back up at the gigantic dog in front of me, who seemed surprisingly nervous, but before I could ask another question, a pair of tiny paws came down on his thigh and gave him a sharp push. "What have I said about moving if fwont of me?! I am the weader, and nodog moves in fwont of me!"
The massive dog whimpered ever so slightly but moved aside to reveal the real leader. My jaw dropped when I saw him.
The fearsome and revered leader of the Diamond Dog pack… was a Chihuahua. And he was absolutely freaking adorable.
He was probably only reached up to my thigh, so you shouldn’t be surprised when I tell you, his attempts to look regal in front of me almost made me burst out laughing right then and there. His collar had a tiny heart-shaped gemstone fixed to the front of it, and his ears were flattened behind his head. I suppose an amused smile must have crossed my face right then, because he deepened his frown. "What is so funny about me, Stwange Thing?"
Oh man, the lisp… that lisp completed the whole thing. This creature had seriously become the leader of a clan of Diamond Dogs that even Soundspeed was a little nervous around? How do you figure that? I shook my head to clear it, all the time having to suppress another chuckle. "So you're the pack leader of the Diamond Dogs in this area, huh?"
“Wha-“ he gasped and began jumping up and down and pointing at me, exactly like I would expect a four-year-old kid to do. "Swtike him! Stwike him! Why doesn't he know the wule that he can only answer qwestions I ask?!"
I was about to retort with something clever, but was cut off when a massive paw smacked me across the head, something that only served to worsen the ache.
Okay, maybe I shouldn't piss this guy off while he has a brick outhouse nearby to do his bidding.
The head dog snickered at my pain, sticking his nose up in the air. "Now, pwease state your name and species, weird cweature."
I pushed myself back to my knees and rubbed the ground zero to dull the pain. "My name is TD, and I'm a human."
"A human?" he asked, confused.
"Let me guess: never heard of them?"
He shook his head. "I have not," he replied snootily. "But it stands to weason that you are a far weaker being than us dogs if we were able to capture you so easiwy."
"Tell that to the two of you I put on medical leave," I snarked. "Not to mention it's kind of cowardly when you attack one person with four dogs, and from behind at that."
The head dog giggled like a schoolgirl. "You give excuses for the natuwe of your defeat, eh? That's only to be expected fwom a lesser wace."
I bit my tongue to prevent myself from blurting out that humans keep dogs as pets where I come from and he would more than likely be some fat socialite’s lap adornment back there, opting for remaining silent. Little mister big cheese, on the other hand, took my silence as a victory and came a few steps closer to me for a more detailed examination. "So, you're called a human, eh?" He reached out with his paw and touched one of my arms. "You do not look vewy stwong, but maybe we can fix that with some good manual labor."
My eyes narrowed at the thought of being one of their 'student athletes'. I leaned my head in close. "Look here, buster, I was just passing through here, and I'm not in the mood for providing you with free labor, mister... uh, whatever your name is."
The dog glared at me. "Huo."
"Your name," I repeated. "I want to know your name.”
"Huo!" the dog said again, a little louder than before.
"You!"
"Huo!"
I scoffed, incredulously shaking my head. "Look, I just want to know what your name is! Just because I'm a prisoner down here doesn't mean that I don't get to know something as simple as that!"
"HUO!" he practically screamed.
I groaned. "Is this some kind of joke or what?"
"Need something?" one of the dogs spoke behind me.
I turned around and shot him a bewildered look. "What?"
"Yes?"
I put my hands on my head, ready to rub my temples. "Why are you responding? Unless you're willing to tell me his name."
"Huo," the dog said with a nod.
I pointed to the lead cur behind me, who, if the bulging vein in his neck was any indication, was about two seconds from blowing a gasket. "HIS NAME!"
"Huo."
"Watt, what are you doing messing awound with the human?!" Huo growled. Oh, wait, didn’t I mention I’d long since figured the whole gag out? That was just a prank I couldn’t help pulling. It was just too priceless and convenient for me not to do it.
"Why did you say 'what' twice?" I asked confusedly.
"I didn't!" yelled Huo. "I only said ‘what’ once!"
I shook my head patiently. "No, you said 'what what are you doing messing around with the human?'"
"He said my name in there," the guard dog responded.
I turned back to him with my face contorted in frustration. "What's your name?"
"Exactly," said a second guard with a nod.
"Exactly is your name?"
"No, Watt."
"I'm asking you!" I shouted, then sighed, massaging my head. "Ugh, this could have all been avoided if you just told me his name in the first place."
"HUO!!" yelled every dog in the room almost in unison.
"HIM!" I barked right back, pointing at the angry shot caller.
Both guards opened their mouths, but Huo let out a piercing shriek that sounded vaguely like an ‘ENOUGH!!!’ “Watt, I'm changing your name to Wye!" he said between ragged breaths, pointing at the dog in question.
He cocked his head. "Why?"
"That's wight," Huo said back.
"What?" asked the confused guard.
Huo snarled, ready to pop his cork off again. "No, your name is not Watt, it's Wye!"
"But why? Watt–"
"NO NONONONONONO I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMOWE!" Hou screeched, spitting out a little bit of foam. Whee, look at the champagne fly!
By that point I'd nearly keeled over from lack of breath. I just couldn’t suck in any more air; everything came out in the laughs I’d exploded into a while back. "THAT'S IT!" Huo screamed. "Take him away! I want him working the mines until he dies!"
"Oh come on,” I giggled, “don't be like that, Napoleon."
"Shut up!" he shouted, turning to his minions. "Now you take him away and get him stawted on pulling those gem carts! Consider yourself vewy lucky if you're not dead by the end of the week!"
I shrugged and stood up. In truth, I was expecting Soundspeed and Oswald any minute now, which was why I wasn't too worried about this whole thing. Worst case scenario, I'm in their custody for a day or two, and Soundspeed comes to get me.
Even if not, those flea bags were way too stupid for me not to give them the slip sooner or later.
Stats
Page generated in 0.112 seconds
Total duration
878 users online
619,557 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Die diamanthunden, toll, Deutsch
lol, perfect situation here
Oh man the name part cracked me up!
Chris tucker would've lost it also.
That was just crazy and funny
Who's on first, classic.
Celestia dammit!!!!!!! Why do you ponies insit on updating while I'm at work!?!?!?
I've got 9 hours before I can read this! A story this good deserves to be read on a full screen, not a 5 inch phone!
Fuck!
Oh, wow. That was awesome.
Who's on first!
omfg this is SO AWESOME!!
2256374
Heh, I remember the reference in a Jackie Chan movie
Dude, if I hadn't fav'd this story before, it sure as hell would have it now.
Teeheee a lesser race.
I would yell at the fictional fiction character, but I am tired.
And I just realized that our protagonist sounds like some sort of paraller universe Wall-e.
S'gon call 'Im Powells.
I believe my thoughts on this chapter can be expressed by the following icon.
*Activate Grammar-Nazi mode* It's "Die Diamanten-Hunde", not "Die Diamant-Hunden"
(I'm from Germany)
This is the best chapter I have ever read!
Are you still doing TD and the Mirror Pool?
Now we just need a Diamond Dog named Aye Dunte Gnoe.
what's with the german in the title?
Hahahahahah!!!!
TD: Troll.
Hou's on first Watt's on second and I don't know is on third it seems
2256521 Danke. I'm not fluent in German and Google translate isn't always the best at this kind of thing.
2256610 'cause I can.
2256842 du sprichst deutsch?
he should have just punted him.
2256374
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ekLO8BwxwE]
2256849 "ja"
"Then droppen sie dead!"
MAJOR bonus points if you get the reference.
Joking aside, I know a little.
I take it TD wasn't going to become a history teacher.
2256893 yeah more german speakers, even if only a little..
sadly i don't get it.. or not til i look it up
That name thing a refrence to one of jackie's movies?
Another great chapter. Thankfully free of backwards text. Loving the humor as always, can't wait to see how TD makes a bunch of Diamond Dogs look like total buffoons.
Fucking wordplay man.
No wonder English is the hardest language to learn.
2257140 Wat.. hardest? And the half of the world speak in it.... yes definetly hardest. Try to learn polish one day ;]
Besides. Chapter was a good laugh. Great Diamond Dogs Leader and all stuff with names, TD almost caused brain damage of the poor doggy boss.
Who is on First Reference is Hilarious
LOL, I love that joke
The ENTIRE chapter, was a name joke. Wow.
Two letter word, starts with "K" and ends with "O".... Hmm. 'ko' is japanese for child, I believe, so..... he turned him into a child?
I musta missed that part of the story...
2257437 After Breaking of a Non-Brony, we needed something lighter and silly.
I'm guessing all he needs is a spare newspaper to put them dogs back in line.
I see what Huo did there
Abbot and Costello would have been very proud.
Jetzt bin ich absolut sicher, dass TD für Troll Geck steht.
TRANSLATION:
Now I'm perfectly sure that TD stands for Troll Dude.
2258445 Oh really Mr. High and Mighty. Can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't do the EXACT same thing in his position?
2258483
Nope!
Classic Who's On First style comedy. Gets me every time. I love you in a totally heterosexual way.
Oh my god it's perfect... XD
Can't... Breathe.... MY SIDES!!!!
2257140
Try Portuguese sometime...
2257140>>2257173>>2258973 You're all wrong! The language that the voices in my head that told me to write The Breaking of a Non-Brony is the hardest one to learn! I mean, fadlkfd dasfpdfoiuad nadsfdui!!!! Try translating that! And I have to speak it so that my dark overlords can... uh...
Did I type this out loud?
*slinks away quietly*
2259028 This wasn't something like I'ia, I'ia Chthulhu f'tghanh?