• Member Since 17th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 1st, 2018

LA Knight


T

Unease whispered over her coat, like the shadowy kiss of a dark spell just before it struck. There! Power. So faint she barely felt it, as if the heavy rain like a blanket of silver muffled its strength. Yet it felt astonishingly familiar in a way she couldn't describe. Who is the strange unicorn stallion that has come to Ponyville looking for Twilight Sparkle?

Chapters (6)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 33 )

Malachite is not named after the character from the Sailor Moon anime.

Actually, my first thought was the character from Suburban Knights.

Excellent start, though I'd avoid having too many alicorn OCs. And regarding them, whatever you do, do not give any of them a red and black color scheme. That's apparently a taboo with alicorn OCs. I don't really understand why, but I'm giving you a warning just to be safe.

I'm curious as to what role Shining Armor will play in this. I'll be honest, Shining Armor's one of my favorite characters, and I love reading fanfics about him. In fact, his presence in the character list is what drew me to it in the first place (as well as the short summary).

Also, I noticed a Romance tag... Please tell me that there's not going to be a romance between Twilight and this Peter fellow. That's apparently another taboo: Romancing OCs with canon characters, unless you can keep the canon characters as in-character as possible. Which doesn't happen often.

I mean, I personally don't have a problem with it, as long as it's written well.

As for a Mary Sue litmus test... well, red-and-black alicorn OCs tend to end up turning into Mary Sues, but it's not necessarily because they're red-and-black alicorns. Other than that, I've got nothing.

Let's see here... Grammar and spelling is pretty good. I didn't really notice any mistakes in that front.

All in all, I'm very intrigued.

...And this is the longest comment I've ever written on this site.

Hmmm...you've peaked my interest, I shall now be following this!

1836634
Actually, and LA will confirm this when she next logs in, Peter is actually a cannon character using a codename. But she has sworn me to secrecy on who it is or she will murderer me in my sleep. Considering that we share a bed, it would be suicide to break said promise.

1836634 5007 speaks the truth - Peter is a CC using a codename. =) Of course, my husband *would* know, wouldn't he? But thank you for commenting. And the alicorn characters are very secondary. Think... like the good fairies in Sleeping Beauty. =)

What's Suburban Knights?

1841193 Ever heard of That Guy With The Glasses? If not, they're a website where a bunch of people post video reviews of movies, tv shows, video games, and a bunch of other stuff. The stuff they review is usually pretty bad.

Suburban Knights was their third anniversary special, which parodied various fantasy franchises by having the reviewers dress up as characters and search for a magical glove.

In the words of the special itself, "So, it's like LARPing." "No, that's just a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a fake reward." "While we're a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a REAL reward."

Malachite was the villain of the special.

You may want to watch some of the reviewers' own shows before watching this, however. There are some jokes that will only make sense if you've watched at least some of them.

This pleases me...continue.

A slow smile gave her extreme déjà vu. The rich timbre of the voice, also familiar, had her backing up as her impromptu rescuer murmured, "Hello, Twilight Sparkle. It's been a long time."

o_o

"Long time, no see, Pete," said a deep voice from the barn.

Peter smiled and lifted a brow at the stallion that stepped out of the shadows. "Hey, there, Big Macintosh… or should I say, Toodles?"

O_O

This looks promising. :twilightsmile:

Well... THIS is shaping up to be a mind screw of epic proportions...

Is Peter a time-traveler or something? Because he speaks as if certain things have already happened.

This is great :twilightsmile:, can't wait to find out what is going on.

1961744 Um, Blueblood's not in this chapter or story. At all.

1966036th00.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2011/196/a/a/prince_blueblood_by_peachspices-d3rh86i.png
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/71124.jpg?1357869830
Yeah, I guess you're right, there's absolutely NO SIMILARITIES WHATSOEVER between prince Blueblood and the stallion on the cover pic...

...LOOK AT HIS DIVINE BODY

LOOK AT IT

THis is getting really interesting. Write more soon!!!!!:pinkiehappy:

1961744

You are too smart, mang.

But I will say this - what has happened to Peter/Bluey has altered his appearance.

1961744
1966090
First, IF that WAS Blueblood, then no, I didn't get his coloring wrong. I have a vector of him from the show on my computer - he has a white coat, blond mane, blue eyes, slate-gray hooves, and he's a unicorn. I have vectors of all the major (and many minor) characters, and screen shots from the first season, on my comp in my "Pwnies Fan Art" folder for reference when working on various MLP fanfiction. And while Blueblood's eyes are light blue, people's eyes change color depending on the lighting - why not ponies? And just as people get haircuts, I'm sure ponies do, too. Especially considering they get manicures and pedicures and massages and facials. So, there's that.

And saying I got any character "wrong" strictly because I didn't use the art style of the show is kind of insulting to the many brony and bronette artists who do such brilliant work in other styles (such as Nastylady's series of steampunk sketches, AeronJVL's beautiful Fluttershy paintings, Lionel23's world-building artwork, or Ziom05's epic masterpieces, to name a few - all found on DeviantArt). Though I doubt you meant it that way, it's really not a fair statement considering the wide variety of writing and artistic styles found in the MLP fandom.

Second, if you read the latest chapter, I do mention that Peter Pony (Peter Pan) is said to have a double-star compass-rose emblem on his flank (along with several other "fictional" characters - like Daring Do and Buck Sparrow - as well as many minor canon characters). And you gotta admit that 2 stars is kinda fitting, considering the whole "second star to the right" thing. But I wanted to avoid having his emblem look too much like Twilight's many-starred cutie mark. As for why Peter's blond... my favorite version of Peter Pan, the 2003 live-action film starring Jeremy Sumpter, Peter Pan is blond. And he's a blond in the filmed musical, where he's played by a woman.

Third, 5007 may be my husband, but he doesn't know everything. So don't look to him for spoilers. He gets very excited about guessing things in my fic-plots. =) Doesn't mean he's always right. Doesn't mean he's always wrong, either, but... well.

Fourth, what's with the shouty capitals? And are you being sarcastic about the "divine body?" I can't tell - I'm bad with nuance over the internet. Are you annoyed that I didn't do "Blueblood" on my cover in the vector style or what? I'm just trying to get a grasp of your state of mind. I like understanding things; I'm like Twilight in that regard.

Finally, I enjoy a good debate as much as the next bronette, but please (this is to everyone reading any of these comments), debate if you wish, but no contention, okay? Let's keep it friendly. =)

Have a nice day, everypony!

LA Knight

1982737

Third, 5007 may be my husband, but he doesn't know everything. So don't look to him for spoilers. He gets very excited about guessing things in my fic-plots. =) Doesn't mean he's always right. Doesn't mean he's always wrong, either, but... well.

Sometimes I'm left. :rainbowlaugh:

Comment posted by Mr Pones deleted Jan 19th, 2013

1982737 mlkshk.com/r/6XXK

Christ man calm down, I was obviously making a joke at how similar your character is to Blueblood physically, they almost look EXACTLY THE SAME in terms of species, body structure, hooves, cutie mark, and hair color. But of course the eye color and mane style are different.

If I wanted to offend a "bronette" then I could use a lot more vile words

1983273 I'm not upset, honest! I just wasn't sure if you were. Like I said, bad at the nuance-over-internet thing, and with the capitals, I thought you were angry about it... so I guess I was upset, but not angry-upset, just concerned-upset. I totally couldn't tell you were kidding. I thought you were one-hundred-percent serious, so I was like, "Oh, snaps. Shoot. Why is he/she mad?" *shrug*

And among other things, I'm a teacher. I tend to do a lot of explaining. A lengthy explanation from me in no way implies negative emotion. I just prefer to have things made as clear as possible to everyone involved. =)

1961733

Is that a good mind-screw or a bad mind-screw? :pinkiehappy:

1953110

o_o

O_O

What? What? What's with the faces?!?! :twilightoops: Now I'm nervous.

1998271 Nothing to worry about. Maybe those were the wrong emoticons to use for that reaction. It just... surprised me, that's all.

Finally got around to it, and I must admit your ability with the figurative pen and past experiences with prose really shine through.

I can see this story becoming rather big, you might want to try for an EqD submission, I'm almost certain you would pass with little difficulty.

2014919

Who, me? Equestria Daily? :rainbowderp: I don't know... maybe when I get further along. I wouldn't even know how to do that, lol. But thank you for the compliment! For all the compliments. :pinkiehappy: I love compliments.

"That’s because you've already had all that time to fall in love with her," Citron chirped, echoing Peter's thoughts. "Dummy. I've told ya and told ya, all the love in the world isn't going to stop the inevitable. You'll complete your mission and save Twilight from them, but after that, your job is to stand back and let Fate take its course. You know that."

After a long silence, Peter said, "And I'm supposed to just accept that in the end, Celestia will win and Twilight will die?" He was supposed to let Fate dictate how his world should end? Before he'd come back to Ponyville, before he'd seen Twilight, he might've been willing to play by the rules, but not now. Not after looking into her eyes for the first time in… by the Sun, how long had it truly been? He couldn't remember. Couldn't think back to that day, the last time he'd laid eyes on Twilight, without having to swallow back pain so bitter it was nearly poisonous. "You expect me to let Celestia and Luna win this time?"

Citron sighed. "It's not about winning or losing, Peter. It's just what is. Sorry. When this mission is over, you have to say goodbye to Twilight. Forever. You know that, and so do I."

...
...
...Wait, WHAT? What's this about Celestia and Luna "winning" and Twilight dying? And who are "they?"

And Peter apparently had amnesia at some point...

I am so bucking confused... but I HAVE to keep reading or these questions will never be answered.

2015261

You are like my favorite person right now. :pinkiehappy: I loved the little video you posted at the end of your comment.

Wait, WHAT? What's this about Celestia and Luna "winning" and Twilight dying? And who are "they?"

Hmmm, who are "they?" They could be anyone. Celestia and Luna, perhaps. Or someone else. Who knows? :twilightsmile:

I am so bucking confused... but I HAVE to keep reading or these questions will never be answered.

Ah-HA! You've fallen prey to my dastardly plan, hehehehe. :raritywink: I promise I will answer these questions, though. It may take some time, but I'll do it. Promise.

Only four people knew of it: Rarity's parents, her sister, and Twilight Sparkle, who kept the other unicorn mare well supplied with… product.

That should be "ponies."

Other than that, excellent chapter. I'm still rather curious as to why Shining Armor is listed on the character list, since he has yet to make an appearance...

2102591

Gasp! OMG, you're right about the ponies thing! My beta didn't catch and neither did I, gah. Thank you, will fix.

He is a major...behind the scenes person. Like, he had a big hand in a lot of this, and he's one of the reasons Peter is even there in the first place. It will be revealed slowly, but he is a major influential character, I promise. Real life has been taking its toll so I haven't updated as often as I'd like, sigh.

But thank you for commenting! :pinkiehappy:

Dear god, this was beautiful. The narration, the story, even the voice was...yes. Just yes.

More Peter Pan references, I see...

And I still am very, very confused about Peter. The only logical explanation I can think of is that he's from the future, or at least has precognitive abilities...

Good chapter, as usual. Though you know what surprises me? Usually, when there's a fanfic with romance between an OC and a canon character, it gets a LOT of downvotes. But this story still has absolutely none. ...Of course, now that I've said it, someone's going to downvote it...

Nice Job with a Peter Pan, pony story. I wonder what does Shinning have against him, when his father, and the princesses only say good things about him?

Wtf? How dare u leave me hanging next plz want to know what happens

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!