Epilogue
Clean Slate
By Alaborn
Standard disclaimer: This is a not for profit fan work. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is copyright Hasbro, Inc. I make no claim to any copyrighted material mentioned herein.
Epilogue
November 2, 1488 AC
(Ten Years Later)
North Fillydelphia, Principality of Equestria
I prowled the aisles of the newest Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. Row upon row of quality goods, all awaiting the store’s first customers. I frowned as I spotted plaster dust coating one of the racks holding winter jackets. I grabbed a rag and wiped it down.
Around me, ponies moved uncertainly in the tumult of a new store opening. I looked at one such group. “If you’re not otherwise engaged, grab a rag or broom and clean up! I don’t want any sawdust or scraps of paper littering this place when the customers arrive!”
I don’t know if they recognized me, but they recognized that tone of voice, the one saying “I’m in charge.”
Continuing my inspection, I spotted a display that looked off. I turned to the department manager. “This display of snow shovels needs to move. The model train display at the edge of the toy department is going to attract the attention of every colt and filly who steps in the store. I want a clean line of sight to it from all three of these angles!” I motioned with my hoof, and the department manager moved to correct the problem.
I finished my tour of the facility, pleased to find almost everything in order. I strode up to the front office, ready to give my motivational speech. I heard “All managers to the front” announced over the store’s public address system.
I paced back and forth as ponies assembled, ignoring the pain in my leg that was flaring up. I would not show weakness.
“In two hours, we will open this store, the first Rich’s Barnyard Bargains in the greater Fillydelphia area. It won’t be the last, if I have my way, and when the next store opens, I want that manager to say, ‘I know how this is done. The North Fillydelphia store showed us how.’
“This store is the first exposure for most of the ponies here to the Rich’s Barnyard Bargains traditions of friendly service, wide selection, and bargain prices. Remember these principles in every interaction you have with your customers.
“And speaking of selection, in this month, we anticipate stocking zap apple jam, rain drops, and cloud puffs. Each of these is one of the nearly thirty unique products that Rich’s has the exclusive right to distribute across Equestria. It is these products that bring new shoppers into the store. Make sure that everypony working here knows about the products and can describe them. That’s the best way to sell the unfamiliar and to win repeat customers. You’ll need to manage your supply of these products carefully, as once you run out, that’s it for the year.
“I think that’s enough of my blathering. I’ll leave you in the capable hooves of Silver Market, the store manager. Good luck, everypony.”
After accepting the polite applause, I headed outside.
I thought about the store, the first store I opened as president and chief executive officer of Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. Facts from the executive summary filled my mind. The store was standard size. It was established in a growing and prosperous neighborhood. The nearby streetcar stop enabled even more ponies to be able to reach the store. And all around, neighborhoods were filled with ponies with busy schedules, an eye for value, and a desire for quick service. Our target market.
And more importantly, we were located less than a mile from the border with Fillydelphia. I anticipated a lot of shoppers from the city would make the trip here.
The exterior of the store would tomorrow look much like every other Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. Today, though, it was a miniature fair. I saw food vendors, balloons, face painters, even a Ferris wheel. I could smell the Filly cheese-hay sandwiches, but the butterflies in my stomach told me to pass. Instead, I went to check on the entertainment I had recruited.
“I’m telling you, you don’t have anything to worry about!” Apple Bloom protested, pounding her hoof on a curved ramp. She carried her many tools in a workpony’s vest; I noted it was one of the brands carried by Barnyard Bargains.
“And I’m telling you, I’m going to go finish my dive, pick up my scooter hidden in the cloud, and then I’ll be coming down this ramp at a super speed! I can’t risk it splitting!” Scootaloo said. She was dressed in her form-fitting bodysuit, the reverse color scheme of blue-trimmed yellow identifying her as a Wonderbolts stunt flier. I often suspect Rainbow Dash led the charge for the Wonderbolts to recognize fliers whose talents were in something other than speed.
“I’m using a quadruple groove to join together the two pieces, and the whole thing is resin-coated for strength!” She pounded the ramp again. “I’d stake my right forehoof on this construction. That is, unless you’re planning on using my tree-bucket to launch yourself into the ramp.”
“Definitely not!” Scootaloo responded. “But that would be awesome!” She pounded on the ramp, determined to see for herself that it was sturdy enough.
“Would you two stop that?” a voice called out from behind the ramp. “I’m stressed enough as it is!”
“Why don’t you two talk elsewhere?” I told Scootaloo and Apple Bloom. “I’ll check up on her.”
On the side of the ramp, away from public view, was a makeshift door. I opened it and slipped inside.
Underneath the ramp was a small stage, with magical lights and amplifiers ready for a concert. After Scootaloo’s performance, this ramp would slide open, revealing the stage and leading into a surprise concert. This part of the festivities had not been announced to anypony, and I was confident we had managed to keep it secret.
The performer, Sweetie Belle, was seated in the corner, illuminated by the light of a single sungem. A cup of cold tea sat on a nearby table, untouched.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
“Nervous,” she replied. “And hearing those two talk about failure isn’t helping.”
“I’m nervous too. But I’m not nervous about your performance, or Scootaloo’s. You’ve both proven yourselves in countless other shows. Me? This is my first store opening, the first major project I’ve led as head of Barnyard Bargains. The success of this store will reflect on everything I do for the rest of my life. I’ve staked my reputation on winning this market.
“But there’s one thing I know about business, Sweetie Belle. Ponies like a bargain, and nothing’s better than getting something for free. Every pony out there is going to get a free concert from the greatest singer in Equestria, and I guarantee that as soon as you break into Mend This Crystal Heart, you will have the entire crowd cheering for you! And what’s better than making ponies happy?”
“You’re right. I just don’t know why I’m feeling so bothered right now,” Sweetie Belle said.
I think I had an idea. A failure here wouldn’t be letting down some concert promoter she’d never see again. It would mean letting down a friend.
“As long as you get out there and do your best, I’ll be happy,” I said. “If you still feel nervous, just pretend it’s just you showing me how to sing again.”
Sweetie Belle nodded and finally took a sip of her tea. “I’ll do that.”
Stepping out from the stage, I spotted a silvery gray mare, and walked over to her. Silver Spoon nodded as I approached. While she didn’t have any role in this grand opening, I wanted my best friend to be here with me.
“I bet this is nothing like those Canterlot parties,” I commented.
“You’re right. This party is actually enjoyable,” Silver Spoon replied.
I spent four years in Canterlot as Silver Spoon’s roommate while we both studied at Royal Canterlot University. I got dragged along to more than enough of those parties, so I knew what she was talking about.
“Let’s just say that we’re never planning on opening a store in High Canterlot,” I said. We both laughed. “Say, did you see Apple Bloom earlier?”
“No, I missed seeing her.”
“She was wearing a silver bracelet, a gift from her coltfriend. I do believe it was an Argentia design, bought from Barnyard Bargains.”
“Ah, yes, low class jewelry. Why, the kind of pony that would buy my hoofcrafted silverware and unique silver jewelry would never deign to associate themselves with the creator of such mass-market trash.”
Silver Spoon stared at me, nodding seriously. I stared back, mimicking her seriousness. We lasted about five seconds before we broke out laughing.
“You know, I hated being pressured by my parents to study at a top university, because that’s what I was supposed to do,” Silver Spoon said. “But it gave me the chance to study chemistry and alchemy, letting me learn ways of making silver alloys that were suitable for everyday wear and quick to produce. It gives my apprentices the opportunity to practice, and I certainly appreciate having a source of constant revenue.”
“I can imagine your cash flow is otherwise rather uneven,” I said.
“No doubt.”
“What about the real reason your parents sent you to college? You have a coltfriend?”
“Let’s see,” Silver Spoon said. “I’m looking for somepony in Canterlot that is of suitable station to make my parents happy, has a level head, and who is interested in a mare who works with her hooves and will get dirty every day.” She paused. “Yeah, I don’t see that happening.”
“You’re getting more involved in the supply side of your family’s business, right? Use those trips outside of Canterlot for something productive.”
“Not a bad idea. And how about you? Have your studies paid off?”
“No coltfriend, of course. The business degree didn’t really teach me anything I didn’t already know, but it helps me in talking with investors, giving them information in the format they want to hear it. But the cultural studies degree has really helped.”
“I’m guessing it doesn’t have anything to do with this store opening, right?”
“Correct,” I replied. “I don’t know if you’ve ever sold anything to a donkey before, but they’re really stubborn negotiators. They’ll haggle over the simplest purchase. With a set price for everything, Barnyard Bargains is not the place they want to shop.
“But now I have a better idea of why. They value that feeling of winning. And while I can’t change our set price policy, I have come up with an idea that will promote the store, will give them that feeling of victory, and can be used by all Equestrians.”
Silver Spoon leaned in, intrigued. “What is it?”
“A simple slip of paper, entitling its holder to an additional discount on an item we already sell. I call it a coupon.”
“Interesting,” Silver Spoon said.
“We’ll be rolling out the concept in Damver and Cheyjennet first, and I’ve instructed the stores to reach out to those cities’ large donkey populations. I’m hoping it will bring more donkeys into the store, but even if it doesn’t work, I think this promotion will be good for Rich’s Barnyard Bargains.”
I noticed the position of the sun, and then checked my pocket watch. “I’ve got to go kick this off,” I said. I embraced Silver Spoon. “Thanks for coming to support me.”
“And thank you for the invitation,” Silver Spoon replied.
“Good afternoon, citizens of North Fillydelphia and visitors. I’d like to thank you all for coming to the grand opening of the first Rich’s Barnyard Bargains to open in the greater Fillydelphia area. In one hour’s time, you will be able to see first-hoof the selection, service, and bargain prices that ponies across Equestria have come to love. But for now, please turn your eyes to the sky, and watch the amazing acrobatics of the Wonderbolts’ own Scootaloo!”
I did want to watch my friend perform, but I’ve seen her practice. Besides, there was one last detail to handle before the store opening, and somepony I wanted to see.
I found Applejack and Big McIntosh out in front of the store. The sapling apple tree they brought from Ponyville was resting on the ground. Applejack wiped her brow and set down her shovel, happy with the hole she had just dug.
The tiny pegasus filly perched on Big McIntosh’s head, cherry red with a pink mane, was the first to notice my approach. “Auntie Pinkie!” she squealed, bouncing on her father’s head. Big McIntosh flinched slightly, but he appeared to be used to this.
“I’m not Auntie Pinkie,” I said. “I’m Diamond Tiara.”
“Auntie Pinkie! Auntie Pinkie!” she continued
”I don’t think you’re going to win that argument with little Cinnamon,” Big McIntosh said.
“It’s good practice for the Fillydelphia city council,” I replied, smiling.
“So, is that why we’re in this North Fillydelphia place?” Applejack asked.
I nodded. Even though I was no longer living with the Apples, I found myself at Sweet Apple Acres several times a month. Rarely were the visits just to talk about a contract. I could rely on them for advice about both life and business. The more I learned about my family business, the more parallels I saw in the way the Apples ran their farm. And they possessed something truly rare.
Honesty.
I could talk to Legal Plan about a proposed business transaction, and know he’d keep it secret because of confidentiality rules. But that still didn’t feel as safe as talking with Applejack and Big McIntosh. I could ask them to keep mum about some unannounced deal, and I knew they would.
“I did make one attempt at building a store in Fillydelphia,” I said. “We have three good sites for a future store. But the mayor has been playing these games for twenty years. Negotiations go back and forth, sometimes looking like we’re close to agreement, but then something happens. Some citizens raise a ruckus, or they want some new study, or a law changes. I think the day my father died, he was heading to Fillydelphia to deal with one of these emergencies.”
“You must not like this mayor,” Applejack said.
“I won’t do anything but respect him as an adversary,” I replied. “The mayor is very good at talking about how he’s fighting for the citizens of Fillydelphia, even when all he’s doing is defending the interests of his cronies or political donors. And if that’s his motivation, then there’s no point in going back there until I have a stronger position to negotiate from.
“So that’s what this store is?” Big McIntosh asked.
“It’s a good place for a store, but it would have been even better about two miles south, within the Fillydelphia borders. But yes, there’s a strategy at work. The more ponies who shop at Barnyard Bargains, the more they’ll see the mayor’s fight for the politics it is. And the bits they spend here mean tax revenue for North Fillydelphia, not Fillydelphia. In a year’s time, I think the mayor will be ready to negotiate in earnest.”
“Then how did you get this store open?” Applejack wondered.
“I found the town council here to be more open to honest negotiation,” I said. “They shared a lot of the same attitudes at first. Fillydelphia is one of Equestria’s oldest cities, and they respect their home-grown institutions here. In that aspect, at least, the Fillydelphia mayor is being honest. But I won over the North Fillydelphia town council with a loaf of bread and jar of zap apple jam.”
“Now this sounds like a good story,” Applejack interjected.
“Indeed. The bread was a loaf of honey wheat bread from Golden Grain’s bakery in North Fillydelphia. It’s recognized as the town’s best bakery, but other bakeries in the area are just as good or better. Bringing in that bread symbolized several things. First, it showed I respected North Fillydelphia as its own town, not just an extension of Fillydelphia. Second, it pointed out the struggles the newer businesses in North Fillydelphia have experienced. Third, it was a product Barnyard Bargains didn’t sell, and reinforced the point I would make about how my store fit into the larger retail environment in cities across Equestria. And finally, it tastes really good with zap apple jam.”
“Maybe we could ask Pinkie Pie to make some of that bread,” Big McIntosh said.
“The zap apple jam was fresh from last year’s batch. As they savored one of the finest delicacies in the known world, I paced around the room and described how Rich’s Barnyard Bargains is the exclusive seller of dozens of unique products, and how one would have to cross Equestria seven times over the course of a year to buy them all direct.
“I talked about the history of zap apple jam, how it is what founded my great-grandfather’s company. And then I talked about my own, personal connection to zap apple jam. I described the magic, I described making it. And then I recounted the story of how one year, I walked into the Everfree Forest by myself, facing down timber wolves, just so we could produce the jam. At that moment, I turned around, and they could see this.”
I motioned to the jagged scar on my leg. The scar, my limp, and the pain I often felt would always be with me, a reminder of what I now understood to be one of my most foolish decisions, even though it worked.
“I like to think my message was clear,” I concluded. “If I was willing to put my own life on the line, would I really be worried about their decision? Well, they approved the store plan, and a little less than a year later, here we are.”
“I always knew this was your destiny,” Applejack said.
“I know. But sometimes, I worry what would have happened if nothing had happened, and I didn’t live with you.”
“Now, sugarcube, I’m sure you would have matured just fine. We all do. Well, most of us do,” Applejack said. I think we all immediately thought about Pinkie Pie.
“It’s not that. Living with Silver Spoon, I finally learned about my past, and why I acted the way I did.” This conversation is one I hadn’t had before, but at this moment, I wanted to talk about it. The new store, the sapling apple tree, all these new beginnings made it feel like the right time.
“It took nearly a year to get Silver Spoon to open up and be honest about who I was. And once we talked, I understood why she didn’t want to dredge up the past. She said she noticed a change in me after my mother passed. I started to become... I guess I’d describe it as self-focused. I began to see everything only as it related to myself. I don’t think my father noticed, and the way he helped me cope with the loss of my mother, by giving me anything I wanted, made matters worse.
“Do you remember the time I tried preparing the watering cans for the zap apple harvest, and freaked out?” Applejack and Big McIntosh nodded. “I think I was remembering a feeling from the time my father made me help you, before my accident. What I internalized from that experience was not the wonder at watching wild magic at work, nor the silliness of the whole situation. I think I recorded that as your attempt to humiliate me.”
“Now that doesn’t sound right,” Big McIntosh said.
“It wasn’t right,” I affirmed. “I regret that I still don’t remember all the good things from my past, but I’m glad my accident cured me of this negative thought cycle. And if that didn’t happen, in some way, I would be a terrible leader.”
“Is that why you were so hard on Apple Bloom? Because you thought her making friends at your cuteceañera was an attack on you?” Applejack asked.
“I think it made me ramp up my bullying, but it actually started with Silver Spoon.”
“What do you mean?” Applejack said.
“One of the things that was hardest for Silver Spoon to talk with me about was her own influence on me. She picked up some attitudes from her parents and passed them on to me. One of them was that having money made us better. Everypony I’ve talked to said that was the opposite of what my father believed.”
“That’s the truth,” Big McIntosh said.
“Silver Spoon’s parents wanted their money to give her a better life. They didn’t always do the best things. But she’s turned into a wonderful mare, and I’m glad she’s again my best friend.”
“What about Apple Bloom?” Applejack asked.
“She’s my friend, but much more like a sister,” I replied. “Now let’s get this tree planted.”
Big McIntosh lifted the sapling and placed it in the hole. “It’s not normal to put an apple tree in front of a store, is it?” he asked.
“It isn’t usually done. Just put a normal tree, and you don’t have to tend to it all year. All you do is make sure it gets water and sun, and clean up the leaves one day each fall. Simple. But it means so much to me that you’re willing to let me tie our families together like this.”
“My pleasure,” Applejack said as she packed dirt around the sapling’s root ball. “Now you remember Woodrow? Well, this sapling’s from one of his seeds.”
I placed a hoof gently on the sapling. “It’s nice to meet you,” I thought. “Let’s get you settled into the ground, and then you can grow big and strong, just like your father.” I felt the warmth as my magic connected with the tree and the soil.
“What are you going to do with the apples?” Big McIntosh asked. “I know you’re not going to sell them.”
“I’m not sure. Give them away to foals? Donate them to the needy? I think I’ll let the store manager decide. And that reminds me, the offer still stands. I’d love to sell packaged dried apples in my store.”
“Not going to happen, partner,” Applejack stated. “Sweet Apple Acres apples will be used fresh, or not at all.”
Overhead, I saw Scootaloo’s routine reaching its exciting conclusion. “Let’s get over there,” I said to the Apples. “There’s a special treat in store for everypony, and you don’t want to miss it!”
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A really interresting story overall.
Great story, I think you should make a sequel of DT's later years, as in maybe when she is starting to slow down
Without a doubt, this is the best DT fanfic I've seen. It's been a delightful journey, and if I was any good with words I'd say something epic about youth and growing up. As it is, I'll settle for 'I loved it, and thank you for writing and sharing it.'
I'd actually love to see Tiara and Silver's university days! It would be a fun prospect.
What I like about this fic is that it focused on Tiara trying to find her place in the world...with no shipping whatsoever. Many "Diamond Tiara lives with the Apples!!!" stories veer into her and Apple Bloom falling in love, or her and Sweetie Belle(Same thing happens with "Silver Spoon befriends the CMC!!" stories as well).
And I like how Tiara invented the coupon!
And Apple Bloom has a coltfriend. Cute touch.
It's my favorite "Diamond Tiara stops acting like a jerk" story out there, for sure.
Did she get her cutie mark back? Or did she get a different one?
3204013 She got her new cutie mark at the end of chapter 23.
Thus a long journey comes to an end.
I have to admit that I'm still a little bit confused on Applejack's issue with Crystal Crown. During Diamond's stay with her, I didn't really see anything that bore AJ's suspicions out...But at the same time, I got the impression that something was off about her, but couldn't really put my finger on it. Is there anything I'm missing?
3204095 From my earlier comment: "What Applejack sensed in Crystal Crown was a fundamental dishonesty, a mare who turned her back on her special talent to do something hip and trendy. If Applejack were at that art exhibit, she'd probably see it as just a bunch of ponies telling each other how awesome they all are. Whether Crystal Crown's decision was actually the right decision for her depends on the judgment of the art community decades from now."
It's been a long journey. A long road. We didn't take a bus or a plane to get down that road, either. It was all on foot. And since it has been such a long journey, I've already shared a few tidbits of my opinion regarding this story as a whole. I've even already said what food item I see this story as. So, in the interest of keeping things relevant, I won't bother with details I've already said at one time or another. For the purposes of this review, I'll keep my focus on aspects I haven't described yet.
There's no better place to start analyzing something than the very beginning. And as I'm sure some 200 readers will agree, the beginning of this story is fantastic. To help you fully understand just how potent the story's introduction is, the big twist was accidentally spoiled for me before I read the chapter and I still felt the tremors of a successful payoff when I hit that final line. It really is a great subversion to expectations, and its delivery is so tactfully executed with the use of only one sentence. The beginning of the story is the first stone thrown into the lake to make those ripples that will drive the story forward. You started this story with a boulder, and I'm pretty sure those ripples could be seen from space. Hands down the story's strongest moment.
A common trend for stories that begin with tragedy is to place little emphasis on the natural progression of physical, mental, social, and emotional recovery or just put too much emphasis on one of them and ignore the others. But who cares about common trends when you have this story? Not only are each and every one of those four aspects of recovery addressed, but they basically make up the forefront of the story during the first few chapters. Diamond's legs are broken, but she's not just put into a wheelchair for a few weeks. She has to slowly learn to be able to get her legs, getting progressively better as time moves along, and even after she recovers, there's still some lasting impact from it. The same goes for her mental state. She develops amnesia, and it's not just easy amnesia that spontaneously goes away for the sake of drama. It's treated as a serious case of memory loss that she struggles with even into her adulthood. That's the sort of realism this story has to offer. It takes itself seriously, and as an emotional story, that's a very important trait.
Diamond's growth is also interesting in the way that it essentially becomes her entire character. True to the title of the story, Diamond becomes a blank slate, completely losing all her memories and personality traits from before her accident. The result is Diamond becoming a malleable, passive, almost flawless character who doesn't contribute that much to the story outside of her character development. The only major mistake she really makes is at the very end, and the moral to her lesson threw me off a bit. Maybe it's just me, but I don't see how self-sacrifice = selfishness. The only trait Diamond seems to retain after losing her memories is her leadership, and even that seems to be pretty subjugated until the epilogue. It seems to go against the principle of nature vs. nurture. If Diamond loses her entire personality, flaws, talents, and all, and it stays gone, it implies that her entire self is a product of environmental factors. What part of her self is in her nature? I feel it's a question that needs asking.
In all honesty, I'm not the biggest fan of slice of life. It simply goes against everything I know about writing fiction. It captures the mundane, normalcy of everyday life, making it the focus of the story rather than a tool for providing atmosphere or establishing characters. Even worse, slice of life allows people to get away with making an entire story about "things happening", resulting in the creation of The Average Day. I understand that some people like vanilla ice cream. Some people like saltine crackers. Some people like plain bread. Actually, I like all three, but there's only so much of it you can eat before you want some more flavor. Slice of life is by no means an automatic "F" on my interest exam, but it's probably the easiest genre there is to sink into The Average Day. That being said, I've found that your story manages to avoid this trend in some ways and suffer from it in others.
The biggest problem with The Average Day is the one that you subvert the best. This story is not just a series of "things happening". There's a sense of growth, a sense of progress. Characters learn and change throughout the course of the story so that it makes a difference if the events were told in a different order. At first, this is apparent through Diamond's physical recovery and social recovery with Apple Bloom and the CMC. From there, it continues with Diamond's pursuit of her destiny and who she is, the central theme of the story. The story feels like a story, not a collection of information, and that's something I can get behind.
Where it falls into the trap of The Average Day is in the finer details of the story. The story has so much supplementary material pasted into it that I often times forget it's not the focus of the story. This story goes into great detail on how to make cider, how to make candy, how to make zap apple jam, how to ski, etc. "How does it work?" could easily be this story's subtitle with how much explanation there is, and often times it feels really unnecessary. Most of these explanations come across like game mechanics that appear once and then are never used again. It would be different if they were describing simple things that Diamond simply forgot how to do like brushing her hair or using a door. It would serve to emphasize her amnesia and just how much she's struggling in her recovery. However, the things they are describing are so niche that they could almost be entirely replaced with links to wikipedia. It's fine in small doses, but when every chapter comes with a new tutorial on something, it starts to become information overload. Similarly, I think we know a bit too much about the food the characters are eating and preparing. Again, it would be different if the food were relevant to the story, but often it feels that food is just being named for the sake of naming it. Like mirepoix.
In all seriousness, this is a pretty happy story. Don't get me wrong, the beginning has plenty of sad to earn the tag, but afterwards it really does become almost entirely slice of life. I think that can be primarily linked to the story's lack of conflict. It's another common trait of The Average Day and slice of life in general, again going against one of the fundamental principles of writing fiction. Fortunately, your story does have some conflict in it, which is another element in driving the plot forward. It's just that the amount of conflict is pretty sparse in comparison to the size of the story. From the way Applejack talked about Crystal Crown, I thought Crystal was going to cause some major conflict, but she ended up as gum on the mantelpiece. Naturally, I thought similar thoughts when Silver Spoon was to get involved, but everything worked out fine. The main conflict in this story at first is Diamond overcoming her past self and looking ahead toward her future. After she makes up with the CMC, she basically has overcome her past self. Sure, she has to patch things up with Babs later on, but that stops being an issue before it even starts. Therefore, the story's primary overarching conflict is Diamond struggling to understand where her future lies, and this is probably the best-handled conflict in the story. It's a serious question that takes a lot of time, thought, and experimentation to see what she enjoys, what she's good at, and what she's capable of doing. To me, the climax of this conflict was after she got back from visiting her aunt and had so many options in front of her. There was a fair amount of suspense built up regarding which one she would choose, and I thought it came across well.
If we're not counting any of the in-story tutorials, I think I might have to call this story's weakest moment the CMC getting their cutie marks. For being such momentous events in the story, they didn't really get much buildup. Scootaloo didn't really have a fear of contests or competition to overcome. All she had to overcome were some nameless other competitors, which she pulled off thanks to a strangely successful pep talk from Diamond that didn't seem to add anything more that the others hadn't said already. Sweetie Belle had to overcome her stage fright, but it was just so easy for her to do. It wasn't even the focus of the chapter. Apple Bloom's story was the most engaging because it was an arduous task she had to take, and it was causing her to miss out on time with her family, though I don't exactly see why Apple Bloom would need to make such a huge device to get her cutie mark if she thought that building things "felt right." If anything, I think the chapter could have benefited if she got her cutie mark before making the trebuchet. It would have made Apple Bloom's obsession with building things a sign of her future rather than something she'll only do once to obtain something she basically knows to be her talent, and the question of her obsession toward her work vs. spending time with her family could have been approached more fully.
That brings me to the last key point I want to bring up about the story: Diamond's cutie mark. Diamond losing her cutie mark at the beginning of the story works to drive the story forward in just about every way. She's lost her memory so she has no idea what her talent is anymore, therefore her cutie mark disappears. It makes sense within the context of the world, and it gives the title of the story both a figurative and literal meaning. Having the story end where it began with her receiving her cutie mark instead of losing it was very skillfully done, though the cutie mark itself is where I have mixed feelings. I like the significance of the mark and the way it fits in with the chapter title. Though not the reason for my mixed feelings, I feel I have to throw Diamond's own words back at her: "Have you ever heard of a pony with two cutie marks?" Half of it is her old one, half of it is a zap apple, and I guess there's a black T in there somewhere too. It's an interesting idea, and it reflects the progress and growth that the story has been working on this entire time. My only real issue with it is in the fact that she got it without being consciously aware. By my understanding, cutie marks are symbols that appear when a pony realizes their destiny/talent/true calling in life. What exactly did Diamond realize when she was running from the timberwolves and unconscious for three days that she didn't already know? Did she have a dream where she discovered her real talent? It just didn't feel like a cutie mark obtaining moment because the focus was on morals rather than talent and destiny. It was more of a letter to the princess moment.
There's nothing for me to really say about grammar/punctuation/spelling. It's all well done.The only thing I noticed you might want to work on in the technical area is your tense. The story's written in the past tense, but you occasionally slip into the present tense for a single word or two.
I've called it a candy apple with the candy rinsed off before, and I stand by that statement. The apple itself has no bruises, and it has all the makings of a quality product. It's all just a matter of how interesting you find the fruit to be on its own. I just don't get why it came with such a large instruction manual.
Make the most!
3204539 Holy shit. I was going to comment my thoughts, but... Well.. You did. That is a freaking monster comment!
Great story overall, it did kind of lose momentum in the middle and just sort of run around in circles while focusing on the minutia of EVERYTHING but it's still largely satisfying. Just one remaining question.
Was Applebloom ever actually put on some sort of watch list after she started building siege weapons?
3207213 I think Twilight Sparkle was joking about Apple Bloom, but you know, if the griffins ever try invading, her talents will definitely be put to use.
3207213 On the subject of minutiae, the problem is the alternative is worse. "Twist took us into her kitchen, and she taught us how to make basic sugar candy." It's just so blah to read something like that, and triggers the old show vs. tell debate.
I loved this story and im pretty sad that its over, but all good things have to come to an end i guess.
Oh and i was wondering, what the accident actually was. I might have simply missed that bit though.
3224855 Sure, maybe it would have made sense to mention her hypothesis that the absence of timber wolves was responsible for the zap apples not coming in, and maybe somepony else would have come up with a more sensible resolution, like, I don't know, asking Fluttershy to help.
Could you add an epilogue to this epilogue? I'd like to know how the party kicks off, how Scootaloo does with her tricks and Sweetie Belle does with her concert, and maybe a flash forward to a few years later to see how Diamond Tiara's ideas on marketing to donkeys and putting a spice rack on the shelves work out.
But, um, you know, only if you want to...
We need a picture of DT's new cutie mark.
OH SHIT HOLD THE PHONES, DIAMOND TIARA INVENTED THE COUPON!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRHGARHGARGH;ARGLRUrhalgrgshrghgarilgahrglaer;oghaergtheort.
([{Corpral Lyra.exe has stopped working. please call Larry the Cable guy for details.}])
I enjoyed this story. Beautiful ending.
Except no ship for AJ. Awwwwww
Loved it
3396525
Applebloom has amnesa too?
Well at least her and Diamond Tiara have something to talk about,
or wait....do they?
3396525 3396944 Two ponies with amnesia wouldn't have very interesting conversations!
Soft Shell, Deathprize88 is commenting on how the first chapter is set up to make the reader think the narrator is Apple Bloom, up until that last line.
3397433
Hey you!
*Points at you accusingly*
Yeah you!
Ive got something to say to you!
*Draws in a deep breath and pulls back his hoof*
Your an amazing author and i loved this story,
i hope you will keep writing stories of such incredible quality.
*Puts his hoof forward to hand you a like muffin*
This is a great story and a has a great fulfillment of Diamond Tiara's character growth. However, I was a little worried that in this chapter that you were trying to turn Rich's Barnyard Bargains into a stand in for Walmart and that you were criticizing anti-Walmart activists.
3410616 I tried very hard to avoid that appearance, though it was a difficult task, given how obvious a stand-in the show's creators made Barnyard Bargains. I come here for ponies and read blogs for politics.
Probably the best way to think about it is everything's better and nicer in Equestria, including business and government.
3413993
I just got to that part.
...
There's a serious issue here. None of the characters -particularly AJ- sound like themselves. And I don't mean the accent.
3414499 I'm not sure what chapter you're on as you write that. This is a sad and difficult experience for everypony involved, so expect things to be uncomfortable before they get back to normal.
3415452
Chapter two.
Here's what I'm referring to:
If it weren't for the fact that you're telling me so, I would find it very hard to believe that Applejack is saying that.
And it's not that she wouldn't say that; it's that she wouldn't say that in that way.
Each character has a specific way of speaking, and this isn't AJ's. This sounds more like Rarity.
I love DT redemption fics and this one works perfectly (though the vocabulary some characters use is a bit off, like in Dalek IX's comment). Overall I liked this story, even if I had to slog through a few parts, like when she was doing the summer internship. That didn't interest me greatly, but I still loved the idea and execution of the story. And when DT started referring to the apples as "my family" it made me happy
3535918 To be honest, I didn't think about having Diamond Tiara visit her parents' graves. So it's not that she's avoiding it, it's that I didn't think of writing it.
Ha ha DT invented the coupon! Brilliant
I loved the parts all her friends and sister played. I loved the scene with Silver Spoon and the story how they were roommates in Canterlot how SS was the one who corrupted DT in the first place and how Silver poked fun at herself for producing some junk jewelry for selling at her Bff's stores.
All in all this was the best DT redemption fic ever!
I had this story favorited for weeks, waiting for it to finish, planning on reading it then, but I put it away for several months. I just now got to reading it, and I finished the whole thing in two sittings.
I know you must have heard this countless times, but it's true... this story is truly one of a kind. I've personally read nothing like it, and DT was one of my most hated characters, and when I read that she was the one this story focused around, I debated not reading it, I hated her that much. But, you did something amazing and made her character lovable. It may have taken heavy amnesia to change who she was, but you not only made it believable, but you made it so clear and well-done that I could see it actually happening.
The portrayal of changing someone's character entirely can be a frightening task, but you pulled it off well enough to convince me. While I didn't quite agree with everything, it still made sense in the end, and it all melted together in a good way. Albeit far from perfect, but you did it well enough for it to feel real. The recovery process was heartwarming, and it felt good when she was able to start doing things on her own.
Love the way your portrayed Snowflake.
Big lovable gentle giant.
All in all, I had put off reading this story for the longest time, and now that I take a good read of it, I can see what I missed out on.
This story deserves its praise.
From the bottom of my heart, good job.
((Insert Incomprehensible Babbling Here.)) - Projected "Disembodied" Voice.
Well, I recently have read "Clean Slate". At last. It's not like "Clean Slate" is bad, it's actually a really good-crafted story with it's own charm, but... some things are just off. This whole story with amnesia seems very fishy to me: she just forgets everything and "that's all folks"? No recollections about who she was and what she used to be, eh? A completely new start as a "clean slate"? This idea seems to me just another way of running from your past and from yourself (and actually, not the right way to run). If everything would be that easy...
It's also doubtful weather or not Diamond Tiara remains herself, because after the accident she looses all of her manic mannerisms. Yes, she does save her tenacity and some other innate qualities, but still a very questionable transformation. I don't say that this is impossible... but at the same time much more less probable and less plausible. And anyway, Diamond Tiara without her main features, doesn't feel much like Diamond Tiara at all.
And the second one. The story has a view from the third face, which should help us to understand the inner world of the main character, his feelings, sorrows e.t.c. But it looks like Diamond doesn't have any strong emotions at all! Seriously, in her perception of the world everything seems to me grey and silver. It's like nothing can really touch her. Did she got her head mauled to hard or something? If you look closer to the text, you may notice that there are hardly any expressions and phrases, that shows us the character felt something DEEPER then she always did.
In any case you did really well. An amazing work.
So waiting for a feedback...
3765274 Obviously, amnesia is a plot device chosen for this story. And from there, one needs to decide if and how much of her memory she recovers. I decided at the beginning that she wasn't going to recover her memories. That experience with the first zap apple harvest, recounted in the epilogue, showed that all she ever recalled was a few intense feelings.
I would say that Diamond Tiara doesn't remain herself, but she does become the kind of pony she could have chosen to become. The reason for her attitude in the show is never explained. What she describes in the epilogue is the back story I imagined, her attitude stemming from bad interactions with Silver Spoon and the pain of losing her mother. I'd like to think the Diamond Tiara from the show will mature and become something like the mare portrayed in the epilogue.
So Diamond Tiara doesn't remember what she was like, but she has to live with ponies who do remember her and what she was like. It's an awkward feeling for everypony, and often leaves her feeling helpless, a parallel to her initial physical difficulties. And not remembering her past creates an additional problem. Imagine knowing intellectually that one should feel sad about the passing of one's parents, but also remembering nothing about them. She healed from her physical injuries fairly quickly, but it took most of those ten years to become comfortable with herself.
I thoroughly enjoyed this fic.
It keeps a beacon alive that diamond and silver will be redeemed in cannon. (Somehow)
To bad this fic is rated everyone, there could have been done extra dark parts, Like describing the actual crash.
Also coupons, LOVED IT!
Very nicely done, a well-constructed tale. I think there's room for improvement when it comes to how your characters emote. <Protagonist> feels aloof and cool at times, making it harder to connect and empathize with her.
4416121 You put it in a cardboard box first!
4417191
Of course!
I've read this story over the last few days... Today I spent from 9AM to well 2:44AM reading this (Yes, the next morning! I went thought around 25 chapters today XD)
It was well worth the ride! I'm totally tired but it was a fun story and I loved how TD got her new Cutie Mark and what it is... I also liked how she managed to get the CMC their cutiemarks... She did some amazing things and I enjoyed the ride! Thanks for writing such a compelling story...
That was pretty cool.
You are pretty cool.
Cool.
I don't think anyone likes canon Diamond Tiara because she is used as a simple school bully. There is no depth to her character, and no explanation as to why she and Silver Spoon act the way they do. You, however, have not only added the necessary depth to make her character come to life, but have engineered circumstances that allow her to be redeemed as a lovable character. I think Diamond's interactions with others could have been expanded just a little, because it seemed a little rushed to me. But maybe that's just me. Regardless, you still did a wonderful job, and I've had a lot of fun reading this. Thank you.
4776598 Thanks. I'll have to look that up.
I think that the only race that would be unable to use cards would be the earth ponies. I've read stories that suggest that Pegasus wings can be quite dexterous, and unicorns obviously have magic.
Sat it with me
Aaaaawwwwwwwwww
5548651
Heard about it. try to avoid it.
This was a really great story. I clicked on this not realizing it was about Diamond Tiara, and realizing it was almost caused me to leave, but I stuck through. I loved reading about her recovery and I would have loved to read about the ten years leading up to the store opening in Fillydelphia, but I understand you picked your stopping point. Very disappointed that it had to end, but you earned a comment from me, which is rare. And a thumbs up. Props to you!
5997446 The twist... is that there is no twist! Mwahahaha!
5999711
Happy to help.
Just finished this story. Great writing! I liked to see the side of DT that shows who she could be without the traumas and dramas of her past clouding her judgement.
6168111 Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. And I'd love to see her get some positive character development in the series.