• Member Since 24th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 5th, 2019

Jaelommiss


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Celestia sends Twilight a very special book that contains some of the oldest and most powerful magics known to ponykind. Included in the book is the way by which alicorns are created. Twilight visits her teacher in Canterlot to learn more, but gets much, much more than she bargained for.

I wasn't really sure what to tag this story. I chose the adventure tag because I see this story as an intellectual adventure for Twilight. Let me know if you think it should be something else and I'll change it.

Big thank you to GorisTheDeathclaw (my editor) for putting up with my typos and grammar fails, and for helping me in writing this. Also edited by my brother, but he's not worth mentioning.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 301 )

:pinkiehappy: Very Interesting!!
Will definitely be faving :raritystarry:
Good job so far!

1825078

Thanks! I'm glad you like it.

I'm always game for anything involving alicorns. downloaded to my nook, and I'll let you know What I think
btw Alternate-Artwork (just think this looks cool)

1825153

Wow. I wish I had seen that image before. Definitely awesome.

I hope you enjoy reading my story.

Great stuff. This will probably hit the featured chart within 70 minutes.

More like 12 minutes 13 seconds. Count on it.

Signed Leroy Hughes.

Any sequel?:pinkiehappy:
Will twilight become an alicorn?

1825362

Sorry, but there's no chance for a sequel. Tomorrow I'm heading away for a couple of years to volunteer and won't have my laptop on me until I get back.
I deliberately cut off there because I couldn't decide whether or not to have Twilight go all alicorn-y.

When I get back I might write a fic going into greater detail about Chrysalis' past. That still wouldn't be for at least two years, though.

I, what....woah. Quite the change in history you got going on here.

1825497 - Wow, well thanks for letting us know that there is no potential for a conclusion. I'd like to know more about the rules of this 'game'. They seem to be far more callous than I'd expect, almost to the point where I'd think Twilight would just gather the 5, snag the Elements and banish the lot of them. Then turn themselves into alicorns and create a new system of harmony...

Least that's what I'd do... to hell with these old mares, and playing with pony lives like toys.

I don't like it, good writing, but needs a dark tag.

1825751
... Why does this require a dark tag?? As far as I can tell there are no bad/grim events in this story, while every person is permitted to their own opinion I just have to ask why an awesome story like this would require a dark tag. :rainbowhuh:

A cliffhanger ending? NOOOOOOO!
All in all, I loved the fic Jaelonmiss.
The true history of Equestria was really interesting.
PLEASE CONTINUE THIS AT SOME POINT. PLEASE. :heart:

Okay, if I were Twilight, I'd beg off right now. To describe the alicorns as homicidal psychopaths is an understatement. Treating the whole world (and an incalculable number of mortals suffering and dying) as an entertainment? If I accepted this power, it would solely be to hunt them all down and destroy them so that no-one had to suffer through their sick, twisted idea of a game ever again.

Okay, Cadence is first on the "kill" list. Just for using Shining Armour, it gets to be personal, slow and bloody.

1825775 Just because you don't see anyone die doesn't mean it isn't dark. Everything about the game is very dark, and Crysalis' story is also damn dark even if she's fine in the end. I mean part of the story is the changeling genocide.

Great story, I've only read the first chapter, but I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

Eventually Twilight opened her eyes and looked into the faces of each of the alicorns around her in turn. She had made her decision.

Cadence would be first. Although Celestia knew her as a teacher, Cadence had helped raise her as a foal. That intimate association over years of her development meant that she knew Twilight's thinking processes simply too well. She had to be eliminated before she deduced precisely what her former charge was planning (Twilight wondered whether all all the love she showed was just a part of the Game). There were several poisons that might suit... it amused Twilight to speculate that she might be able to manipulate her brother to actually poison his dear wife during sex... maybe present the toxin as a 'lubricant' of some sort...?

Chrysalis had to be next. Treachery and deceit was in her nature and she could not be allowed to remain active to spin her plots. Celestia would be Twilight's instrument there. Her old teacher was, in the end, a profoundly paranoid and vain personality - it would be foal's play to poison her mind so that she decided it was time to eliminate the Alicorn of Concealment whilst she was weak and her forces scattered.

Celestia would doubtless be emboldened by her victory... that would be the time to set her on Luna. She suspected that the 'sisters' would be close to equal in power, cunning and determination. Twilight would have to be careful to play the two off without making either suspect that she was friend to neither and deadly foe to both. Only at the very end, when they were both at each other's throats, would Twilight swoop in to aid the winner in dispatching the loser.

Oh... the 'winner' would be shocked. For untold millennia no alicorn had been slain during the Game of Thrones. There would be anger and disappointment, especially if Celestia was the one Twilight aided to victory. However, by then, it would be too late: The remaining diarch would be too weak to fight effectively and would not realise until it was too late that Twilight had no intention to simply drive her into exile.

After that...? Well, she had all the time she needed to identify the remainder of this unnatural, evil race and obliterate them one-by-one. She would need troops and a support structure for that wider-scale pogrom, of course. Simultaneously, she would have to train the mortal ponies to rule themselves. Once, a priesthood of telekinetic unicorns raised the sun and moon - Rarity had that level of power and skill; Twilight liked the thought of her friend as a beautiful, elegant and eternally graceful High Priestess of the Heavenly Bodies. She also thought that General Applejack, General Rainbow Dash and General Trixie also sounded good. She wondered if the Pie sisters would enjoy being Master Artificers to the God-Empress of Equestria. How about Mistress Hospitallers Fluttershy and Zecora?

Ah, they would mourn when she decided to step down and retire into obscurity as an eternally wandering wizard and sage but she would have seen that they were ready to rule themselves and maintain the utopia she had built.

Twilight smiled around at the four alicorns and pictured each one's death. Celestia really needed to learn critical thinking. Why didn't she bother asking Twilight where she had put The Alicorn Amulet? Was it arrogance...? No, Twilight decided that the Alicorn of the Sun was simply too sure of the effectiveness of her programming Twilight to worship and revere her, never expecting that her apprentice would have the moral strength to reject their sociopathic 'game' in favour of something more to her liking.

"What are you smiling about Twilight?"

Twilight blinked in response to Celestia's words and looked at old teacher. Once again, she amused herself by visualising that long, powerful horn shattered, those beautiful, graceful wings broken, matted blood marring that wonderful white coat and final mortal terror twisting her perfect face. "Oh, I was just thinking that I like chess, the more able the opponent the better! I suppose I always have been that way!"

1826259

Yeah, it's kind of mean-spirited to have that in the story anyway. Twilight should be furious at her for it. Hell, I'm pissed at her (and the author) for it.

To everyone who read my fic: YOU'RE CRAZY! I went away for four hours and came back to 70 notifications and a PM.
I really didn't think it was that good of a story.

1826367

Feel free to write a fic like that if you want. I can't do it (see one of my older comments, or my most recent blog post), but you have my permission to try it.
Just include a link back to here so people have some understanding of why Twilight is an alicorn and why she is killing them all.

1826182

I'm not going to be able to continue this, and there's no point to it anyway. I wrote to tell my theory of where alicorns come from and what they do to pass time. I wasn't planning to make this a real story. Sorry.


Oh look, another two notifications. Gotta go

1826418

I didn't mean to make anyone mad, especially not at myself. I still think that Cadence has a decent excuse. I'd like to see YOU try to deal with 600 years of sexual tension.

I kid, I kid. I was kinda hoping to make people hate alicorns.

Celestia the unsubtle manipulator?

a3V

Cite the image source, yeah?

Takes all of fifteen seconds to do, you know.

1826572

Done. Thanks for giving me the original link. I found the image on my computer and couldn't remember where I found it.

Worth reading you provided some interesting insight on Celestia Cuna Cadence and Crissy.
~~~~~~~~SPOILERS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Luna is starswirl the bearded Bahahahahahaha.

I personally believe she wouldn't do it. She's an intelligent mare, and a few thoughts would carry all the weight in the cosmos, The Game.
She wouldn't hold it against any one of them, no, just The Game. I think she would decline for the simple fact that she would have to live with herself, and her actions in pursuit of The Game, for all eternity. I myself would make that decision, she and I share a very similar frame of mind, and outlook on life. And as tempting as time enough to learn all things is, I don't have it in heart or soul to participate in such a Game.

Beyond all that, loved it, amazing read, and a wonderfully unique look on Alicorn history, thank you for this.

This books is

Other than that line jarring me out of the story, you have my attention.

1826688

Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out. Somehow both of my editors and I missed it. :facehoof:

I wanna know her choice!!!!!

1826477

The problem is, they're all acting rather out of character, Twilight especially. She's way too calm, way too "meh". The revelation that the alicorns are dickish enough to toy with the very state and welfare of the country to amuse themselves should anger and shock her, and the revelation that her sister-in-law* married her brother just for sex should infuriate her. She's also not thinking deeply about her choice. She's just dealt with a huge, perspective-changing revelation and has a massive decision pushed on her, and we're only treated to her saying it's a really big choice and thinking about how her friends would react. There is a hell of a lot more to it than that and Twilight is, if anything, a committed over-thinker. Granted, I probably missed some bits where she did have a bit of a think, but it is still all rather lacklustre and not really Twilightish. Her reactions should all be much more panicked and over-thinking, as we've seen what the mere mention of a test can do to her. Something this important and big, with so many revelations, would warrant much more reaction and thinking on her part.

Another problem is that the story itself is rather unengaging. We're treated to the alicorns and their nature, and we're told a lot about their Game of Thrones they so love to play. But that's it really. We're not exactly offered much more to go on. It's less a story and more an infodump - quite literally a "Study on Alicorns". There's potential for Twilight to agonise over the decision, its consequences and go through mental and emotional trials and everything, but it's not explored as much as it should be. It's not meaty; it has the bare skeleton but none of the fatty, juicy bits that make a piece of writing so fun to read.

So the main problems are that there's not much of a story to go on here, as you've written it. There could be, but the potential isn't used. The characters are rather lacklustre and out of character; they could do with more emotion, reaction etc. There is potential also for the exploration of relationships: Luna being Celestia's mentor (and thus, her superior) before their immortal life and her "little sister" (and her inferior) during could make for a very interesting exploration of their relationship and the changes they went through and any bitterness that may arise from it. Cadence's revelation of her using of Shining Armour and lack of love for him would definitely change her and Twilight's relationship. Further developing that, you could enact a change in character for Cadence to make her change her outlook on love and life. This very Game has the potential for your exploration of characters and their relationships, but it doesn't really do so.

So, all in all, this piece has potential to be an excellent, enrapturing story, filled with a significant amount of character exploration and development, and the exploration and development of their relationships. Potential that is, as it is written, not used. What I'm seeing here is more of an expository piece; a worldbuilding exercise that doesn't really offer us anything more.

I've been trying to figure out why it left such a negative feeling in me after I read it, and it's not so much the bits that invoke an emotional response from me or that it's bad (it's not). It's that this really has the potential to be something I would love to read - giving me plenty of character and relationship development and lots of juicy, exciting bits that add up to a plot that is very engaging to read - and that potential isn't reached. The negative feeling is disappointment and lack of fulfilment.

So it's basically all right, but it could be much, much, much better. And so, I'll leave you with this:

i.imgur.com/hSYDF.gif

*: Who's love for her husband was so strong that it blew away someone powerful enough to defeat Celestia and her entire army. Canonically, she is very much deeply in love with Shining Armour, and painting her otherwise is out of character.


PS: I'm really hoping you'll take my advice to heart. You can make such great stories if you take care to develop your characters and really think about how they and their relationships would react and change and weave an overarching, engaging plot into this.

1826236
You're looking at it from a mortal viewpoint. From an immortal viewpoint, it really would be the only way to not go completely and totally insane.
Unfortunately for them, mortals suffer. Mortals die. Whether it happens due to influence of immortals or not, it still happens.

1826753
Well, I'm not convinced that's the only way to avoid going insane but that's besides the point. You see, you're forgetting that they aren't immortals: They're mortals playing with an unnatural immortality with all the flaws that implies. The only way for someone who has acquired unnatural immortality, the only real way to avoid insanity... is to give up the curse.

1826733

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for mentioning that. It's more or less what I was thinking about it, although I tend to hate on my own works quite often. I'm much better at writing essays and lab reports than fiction works. If there was a fimessays.net website I would have put it there instead.

Frankly, I can't understand most emotions in real life, and so I find it hard to get into a character's head for writing purposes. I did try the best I could to do this, but I know that it could be far better if a real author took a crack at it. I'd love to see someone make something out of this.

The biology student in me was screaming at me the whole time I was writing it and it was a struggle not to give up halfway through.

NOOOOOO Twilight will become an alicorn:fluttercry::raritycry:

Small typo, I think.

“Oh, not too bad. At least, not until I saw the mess that Spike made,” she glanced towards the dragon for a second before continuing. “The Princess sent me a new book and it seems to contain a bunch of new magical magic. I was just reading one of the spells.”

1826850

Thanks for mentioning it. Fixed.
Methinks that I need to speak with my editors...

1826777
You assume it's reversible.
And really, the game isn't about death. It isn't even about life. It's about having a CHALLENGE, something that's in short supply when you have phenomenal cosmic power.

1826868
Oh... I'm sure that Twilight will find a way. I don't think the others would find the experience... comfortable, though.

"When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die." ~ Circe "Celestia" Lannister.

1826868
1826777

Righto, I'm gonna end this right now.
Nah, not really. It's cool to see people discussing my story.
As far as I can tell, the root cause for their game is my massively messed up imagination, but I might be completely wrong on that.

1826879
Actually, I remember an old Heavy Metal comic that had a similar "game" mentioned. So I'm not unfamiliar with the idea.

1826367
I usually don't care for comments like this, but looking at the alicorns in this setting, I'm sad to say it made me smile a little.

1826733
This is more what I was thinking, reading through this. Twilight's reactions were dulled considerably, and there was much out of character action. Canon Twilight would be disgusted by the alicorns' actions, by the hypocracy of using the elements of harmony to toy with innocent lives, and deeply disturbed by the shattering of the images of two of her role models growing up.

1826865

Methinks that I need to speak with my editors...

Uhh... heheh... :twilightsheepish:

Hey, look over there!

i.imgur.com/jN3ue.gif

1826924

Ooh, look! It's a distraction! *stares at blank wall*

Goris, be glad I left Mr. 2x4 at home today. I don't care if you're a young deathclaw or the alpha deathclaw himself, I'll whip you naked through the streets of Aberdeen.

But seriously, good job. You caught most of the mistakes.

And of course there's another 4 notifications for me. Does the horror never end?

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