• Member Since 5th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 7th, 2014



Twilight has set upon herself to return to the castle of the regal sisters in search of it's library, however she discovers something more than ancient tomes.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 7 )

I didn't find it too bad, really. Not the best, as it's obvious you still need a little work on punctuation and grammar, but the story seems decent enough.

I very much liked how you got Zecora's rhymes down. The wording you have for her lines seems perfect!
Going to be watching this one!

looks good mate, keep up the good work and consider your story watched

Rhyming and all that kinda got forced into my head in English Literature, and sorry for grammar, just comment the quote and I'll fix it!

Hm. You've made such a jaded reader and reviewer as I smile!

This seems like it could be a first fic (not too bad, not too good), and if so, you've got potential!
I know, I know. Every author hates to hear that. But you don't want me to tell you you're perfect, do you? Exactly.
Anyways. On to the readover analysis.

Not bad here. Definitely no overly OOC ponies (although Twilight could've been a tad braver in her dreamsequence), and you seem to develop the "Runers" (there may have been a name for them, but I'll call them that because I'm lazy) nicely as the ambiguous, evil bad guys. However, Zecora was shoddily done. I mean, her rhyming wasn't bad, it's just not the thing that I'd imagine her saying.
For example:

. . .what a pleasant sight, to lighten my evening is a pleasant delight.

Unless I'm very much blind, you used the word "pleasant" twice. That just smacks of redundancy or superfluousness, which in turn smacks of poor effort on your part. Make me, the reader, feel like this is truly your best work. Perhaps "this lightening of my evening brings me delight" would be better. Though, I'd suggest scrapping "lighten" because it sounds pretentious and stilted (though who am I to argue against that?--hypocrisy.png) All in all, good job here, though.

Plot Development
Ach, my good author! Write! How many words was this? 1,000? Somewhere in the ballpark of 1K. While that's not against the rules per se, it certainly doesn't do your story any favors. Try to expand a little more on Twilight's reason for doing things--why is she going to the Castle of the Alicorn Sisters (to use the fanon name) now, of all times? When is this set? C'mon, add some more exposition.

Then, once you've done that, expand on things. SHOW, don't tell. Was Spike rubbing his eyes blearily, like he usually does? Was Twilight's mane ruffled? What about the sun, and a breeze, and all the other ponies trotting happily in the streets? You can't just assume we know exactly what you're thinking. You could easily make this 3K words, or more.

Eh, that's enough on your actual story for starters. I don't want to air all the dirty laundry, do I? That could draw readers away. . . and we can't have that. . . (whee! Justifications!). No, seriously. This is good. I just dissect everything

Cosmetic Issues
By Celestia's multicolored mane, you've got serious formatting issues. Put a little whitespace in there (skip lines), correctly tag all your dialogue, and proofread grammar. Judging by the fact that English Literature is an American High-school-level class, I'm assuming you at least know how to write proper English.

I'll put in a few examples:

. . . fortunately uneventful, once she arrived she. . .

Either put in a coordinating conjunction, a semicolon (though I'd suggest not using a semicolon), or make these two sentences.

. . . to get fro Zecora,. . .

Obvious error is obvious. I suggest you get an editor. (I can help if'n you don't have one)

. . . aware of,"Hey' she's awake,. . .

New paragraph for every change in speaker. At the point of speaking.

Yeah, get an editor/proofreader/pre-reader/any one of the above. I offer my services if necessary.

I liked it. Enough to watch you. Which should tell you right-off-the-bat that it wasn't horrible. (Yeah, I think my own word is law. What of it? lol.rar)

Plot is good, characterization is good, and I like where it's heading. Keep it up, my good author!

InfinityXanadu, founder of the Science Consultants, Incorporated and (co-) founder of The Conceited--Yet (Somehow) Constructive--Reviewers.
(Yes I just put that in there to subliminally attach more credence to myself. Consider yourself subliminally conquered :twilightsmile::raritywink:)

Anypony available for editing?
my editor has left (not entirely) fimfiction:fluttercry: so I need a new one!

Story is on HIATUS! I am lacking an editor and a proofreader and as you all know, my story-writing techniques aren't expert-level stuff, once I acquire one I'll be updating!

Ah, well what happen will happen. :ajsleepy:
I wish you the best of luck in this new endeavor!

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