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When you've lost your family, your history and even your humanity, what do you have left of who you were? Timmy and Fred are newfoal orphans placed under the care of Clean Slate. When Hearth's Warming Eve comes around and the little newfoals remember Christmas, how can anypony tell them that Santa Claus doesn't come to Equestria?
P.S. This story is partly based on real events that happened during the Great Irish Potato Famine of the late 1800's.
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Glad to see you were able to find some great cover art.
I ended up doing it myself using images from the show. Copy, paste, edit, re-color.
1808864
At least you didn't use Pony Creator.
It's actually preeeetty good.
Truly moving, I had a couple manly tears try to make a daring escape.
I would love to see a slice of life series from perspective of these kids I wonder if those two would ever see lyra and bonbon as their parents
1852459
I like these characters a lot and will consider doing more stories about their lives. Right now I have two longer stories I want to finish,but thanks for asking!
Dafaddah
Lyra just role-played that last bit. Oh, quotations, how you vex us.
1862204
Thanks! Fixed.
This was cute! I wish I had seen it sooner.
Your cover art was excellent.
2017071
Thanks! I can't draw so it was a copy paste edit job on existing show artwork. Your stuff is real art!
Regards,
Dafaddah
Ah, once again your stories warm and thaw the frozen lump this fellow calls a heart. You did a wonderful job.
A few typos, but everybody can make a few of those.
2239984
Thanks for the kind words. BTW if you remember any of the more outrageous typos please let me know.
Dafaddah
"Sometimes she could even feel the beat of their heart, and that was the best of all, because then she knew with a certainty that none of her other senses provided, that she was not alone."
I would personally rephrase this, as I needed to read it a few times before it sounded right. It is entirely up to you, however.
"Sometimes she could even feel the beat of their heart, and that was the best feeling of them all, because then she knew with absolute certainty, which none of her other senses could provide, that she was not alone."
"She started to breath hard and her tears fell."
My English is not perfect, far from it, but I never heard the phrase "Breath Hard". So I'll just ask if it's breathe hard?
"Up close, she could tell that the new sensation seemed to come from the ponk pony’s mouth."
Pink, I'm guessing.
Otherwise, this story is so...inspiring and beautiful. A manly tear was shed.
Jolly good job, sir. jolly good job.
"One day in class with Clean Slate, and they actually tried to behave."
Maybe a stylish re-phrasal might be in order.
"One day in class with Clean Slate, and they would actually try to behave."
"In Esquestria students usually call their teachers Mr. something or other."
"You’ll learn it soon enough, cause that’s what I’m here for."
Should be " 'cause".
"...and there was very little usages of magic or frantic flutters of half flight compared to a native class of the same age group. "
I believe it should be either "were very little usages of magic", or "was very little magic usage".
"Slate locked the school's door and turn to go home."
Again, I'm not a perfect English speaker, but shouldn't "turn" be "turned" ?
"Cause that idiot told him Santa don't come to Equestria,"
'Cause.
"It turned out the Equestrian alphabet was pretty easy to learn, and with their guardians’ diligent help could read Equestrian almost as well as they been able to read before becoming ponies."
"It turned out the Equestrian alphabet was pretty easy to learn, and, with their guardians’ diligent help, could read Equestrian almost as well as they been able to read before becoming ponies."
I think that qualifies as a non-defining relative clause.
"...a yellow colored mare with pink hair and a white bunny on sitting on her withers"
Extra "on", I'd say.
"After the choir finished singing “Oh tan-a-bomb” which was the same song as “Oh Christmas Tree”,..."
I honestly don't know how you call that song in North America, but here's a wikipedia link just in case http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O_Tannenbaum
"Lyra and BonBon laughed as the paper and ribbons flew!"
You usually put a space there. Although, different people spell Bon Bon differently.
“Fluttershy! Do the Equestrian version of Jingle Bells.”
I believe Rainbow Dash would refer to our Jingle Bells as the human version of their Jingle Bells, while they would refer to their version as the original. Or:
"Fluttershy! Play our Jingle Bells!"
Once again, wonderful story, Dafaddah! Truly heart-touching.
2265545
Thanks! Edits done
2265715
Thanks again (and mightily) for the edits. Even more thanks for the kind words!
Dafaddah
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society.
Story Title: A Newfoal Noel
Author: Dafaddah
Reviewed by: MrAlbum321
Summary: What happens when you take a standard, charming Christmas story and infuse a surprisingly original element into it? You get a conflicted story, where the original element fights to burst from the trappings of the standard Christmas story format, which it eventually does in the Prequel chapter. However, the execution of this strange mingling of originality and familiarity leaves a lot to be desired, which is a shame in more ways than one. And yet, the classic Christmas cheer manages to shine through, and for many readers, that's all that matters in a Christmas story. Then again, that original element is far more interesting than most any wholesome Christmas story, which leaves readers hungering for some expanding on that idea.
Full Review
Score: 6.5/10
Reviewer Recommendations: Clean up your dialogue paragraphs, work on incorporating descriptions of the surroundings of the characters, and make sure that the reader has a clear vision on what the characters do and why they do what they do, without resorting to saying "This is what X character does" within the story.
Also: Expand upon this "Newfoal" concept, maybe not in this story, but in future stories. The storytelling potential of this idea is VERY powerful, as seen in the Prequel chapter. Don't let that potential go to waste!
2391925
Thank you for your quite comprehensive review. The reason I started writing stories on FIMfiction was to get exactly this type of coaching, which I hope will help me grow as a writer. So, again, thank you!
From your comments I can see that you're not familiar with the Conversion Bureau storyline, which is always the risk of setting a story in a fan-generated setting. You are quite right that the Christmas aspect in the first story is not actually the central theme of the story. In fact it's merely a device that provides both an excuse to expose the protagonists inner conflict (their sense of a loss of identity) and the mechanism to resolve it (the family albums and certificates allowing them to keep their names).
This story was inspired by historical accounts of what Irish orphans experienced during the Great Potato Famine.
The prequel was an experiment to see if I could write a story from a three year old's PoV. I've have two kids and so I felt I had a reasonable chance at portraying the inner life of such a young person.
Both stories are about what really matters to people. I'm glad you like the basic idea, but these stories tend to take a lot out of me emotionally. Still I do intend to write more stories in this series. And maybe do some reworking of the first chapter based on your excellent advice!
Thanks again.
Dafaddah
So you wanted to know what did I like about this story?
Well, first of all, it's well written. I didn't see much mistakes.
Second, it's heart-warming. At first, I was reluctant to read it because of that "Sad" category tag, but then I said to myself "screw it, let's get it over with". And I'm not regretting my decision now. You have received a star on my personal fanfics list!
...and third, it's about TCB newfoals. I'm kinda into this...uh...stuff. Yeah.
So once again, good work with this story and thank you!
2671417
Thanks for the feedback. This is one of those stories on a knife's edge between tragedy and hope. I'm very glad you liked it.
Do they have a Santa Hooves?